Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (14 page)

The church should be a veritable beauty parlour, because it encourages its women members to adorn themselves with good deeds. Women need to remember that if nature has made them plain, grace can make them beautiful, and if nature has made them beautiful, good deeds can add to their beauty.

Grace will make you beautiful and will attract truly godly men to you. Make godliness and inward beauty your priority.

A Matter of Attitude

Earlier, I quoted Elisabeth Elliot for the men. Let me share another quote from her for the ladies. "A real woman," she writes, "understands that man was created to be the initiator, and she operate on that premise. This is primarily a matter of attitude. I am convinced that the woman who understands and accepts with gladness the difference between masculine and feminine will be, without pretense or self-consciousness, womanly"

My prayer is that you'll be this kind of woman-
a
woman who uses her gifts, develops her mind, and is passionate about God, and yet who is, without question, womanly. I realize that the attitude Elisabeth Elliot describes runs against the grain of our culture. In many ways women today are encouraged to be anything and everything they can dream of-except feminine and womanly.

But don't take your cues from our culture. Don't base your

For Him and His Story

If you're like me, you're aware that you desperately need God's help to be who He has called you to be as a man or woman. It's true. We can't do it in our own strength. We need His grace.

Being faithful to His plan will require faith, great courage, and the constant awareness that God, not you, is the central figure of the plot-the story of human history is all about Him.

God is the center of the universe.

He created you for Himself.

If you're a man, God made you a man for His glory.

If you're a woman, God made you a woman for His glory.

He gave each of you a sexual identity so that you could express your manhood or womanhood for Him, His way-and in so doing, point to His greatness and reflect His goodness. This is what it means to glorify God as a man or woman.

If boys would be men, would girls be ladies?

We can answer that question only if we strike out together on the adventure of obeying God's Word.

How to Gain Guidance, Support, and Strength from Your Church and Family

(peered out my window into the cloudless sky and smiled. It wasn't going to rain. Friends of Kerrin Russell and Megan Kauflin had been petitioning heaven's "weather department" for months that the sun would shine today. Their prayers had been answered. It was one o'clock, an hour before the ceremony was to begin, and the weather was perfect for an outdoor wedding.

All morning and afternoon scores of volunteers had worked feverishly to get everything "just so." It seemed that half of our church's congregation was helping in some way. If you had flown over in a plane, the church grounds would have looked like an anthill just after a child had stirred it with a stick. People scurried here, there, and everywhere. Ladies put the finishing touches on the decorations; a team of men tested the sound equipment; dozens of high school students under Mr. Drier's direction prepared food for the reception.

Sharing Joy

The decorations were beautiful and the weather was perfect; but when I look back on Kerrin and Megan's wedding, I think the most wonderful part was the amazing sense of Christian community that reverberated from it. Each moment of the day, from the preparations beforehand to the ceremony and reception, was a
shared
celebration.

The moment that captured it best was when Julie Kauflin, Megan's mother and her matron of honor, walked down the aisle. As she looked into the faces of her gathered friends, her eyes said, "Thank you for being here.. .thank you for standing by us over the years...thank you for celebrating with us." In turn, the message on the countenances of the guests was: "We rejoice with you.. .your joy is ours."

We were more than just witnesses; we were participants. We were the friends, teachers, grandparents, mentors, uncles, aunts, and pastors who had taught, counseled, cried with, laughed with, and prayed for Kerrin and Megan from their infancy through adulthood. They were part of us-we each carried a special piece of their story We had come to mark this moment in their life, to share it with them, and in sharing it, to multiply its joy.

Empty Chapel

While most of us can appreciate the importance of community at a wedding, what I want to show in this chapter is that community is just as important during the season of courtship. If a wedding is a community event, courtship should be a community project.

What made Kerrin and Megan's wedding day so beautiful was that it was the culmination of a relationship that embraced the church community at every stage. Their friendship grew while they were serving with others in the youth ministry. When Kerrin began to like Megan, he sought counsel from his parents, pastor, and trusted friends; before he expressed his interest to her, he met with Megan's father, Bob, and asked for his permission to begin a courtship. Megan agreed to the courtship only after getting advice from her parents and close girlfriends from church. During their courtship and subsequent engagement, they both were accountable to their parents and pastors.

Kerrin and Megan didn't just invite other people to share their wedding day Much earlier they had invited them to participate in their love story. The health and success of their courtship and subsequent marriage was integrally linked to the support, love,

A courtship devoid of community is like a wedding without guests. Can you imagine that? Try to picture a ceremony where only the bride and groom are present. There are no bridesmaids or groomsmen, best man, maid of honor, flower girl, or even a pastor to officiate. The chapel is empty and silent. The groom in his tuxedo stands at the altar alone; the bride walks unaccompanied down the aisle. She wears a stunning white dress, but there's no one to admire it, no one to rise as she walks by, no one to give her away to her groom.

Why is there something deeply troubling about this idea? Because a wedding with no one to share it with is no wedding at all! A wedding is the sacred exchange of vows before witnesses. In the same way, a courtship is more than just one man and one woman joining their lives together. It involves the physical and spiritual family to which they're connected-the community of people who witness, affirm, protect, and celebrate their love.

What Community Doesn't Mean

At this point you might be scratching your head. Maybe the idea of community in relationships sounds strange. Maybe your experience of church life looks nothing like this. I understand how you feel. Many of us are accustomed to shutting others out of our lives. What I hope you'll consider is that when we do this, we shut out the joy, wisdom, and encouragement that God wants us to have.

The place of community in Christian romance is both bibli-

But before we go any further, I want to make sure that you're clear on what I'm
not
saying. First, I'm
not
saying that you should sacrifice all privacy in your relationship. Having time alone as a couple is very important. Second, I'm not saying that you should have someone else (your parents or pastor) make the decision about whom you marry Only you can make that final choice.

Our problem today is that we've allowed the importance of privacy and personal choice to cause us to neglect what the Bible teaches us about our need for fellow Christians in the local church. While it's true that no one else should decide whom we marry, how arrogant it is to think that we can make this important decision on our own without counsel and advice from others! And while a couple needs time alone, how shortsighted and foolish it is to cut ourselves off from the wisdom and support of the people who know us best.

Throughout Scripture, God reminds us that we weren't meant to live the Christian life on our own in any part of life- we need others in order to be holy, strong, and faithful. God has adopted us into a
new family.
Together we're called to be a holy people, not merely holy individuals (Ephesians 5:3).

While people in the secular world grow increasingly isolated, God tells us that He's building us together as His church to become a dwelling in which he lives by His spirit (Ephesians 2:22). "You are no longer foreigners and aliens," says Paul, "but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household" (Ephesians 2:19). "And let us consider," the author of Hebrews writes, "how we may spur one another on toward love

What Community Provides

The Bible points us back to the priority of the local church and our need for encouragement and strength from other Christians in every part of life-including romance. Our approach to romance should reflect the
radically different
relationships we have as Christians in the community of the redeemed. We weren't called to make it alone-we really do need each other.

How do we need others during courtship? Here are three important things community provides.

I.
Community reminds us of reality.

There's nothing like romance to cloud a person's view of reality.

When our emotions and feelings are in gear, it's difficult to be

objective-to see ourselves, the other person, and our situation

accurately.

Community provides reality checks in several different ways.

For example, it provides another perspective of our relationship. If it hadn't been for the reality check of a friends advice, Kerrin and Megan might never have started their courtship. You see, when Megan found out from her dad that Kerrin was interested in her, she almost turned him down. He just wasn't her type. But a conversation over lunch with her friend Claire (the same Claire you read about in chapter 4) helped her see what qualities really mattered in a husband, and it changed her perspective.

On Wednesday, I went out with Claire. At that point I was in total confusion about Kerrin. My mind and heart were playing games. I spilled it all out to her and expressed the pros and cons and confusion.

She listened and laughed at me. She told me about her experience with David and how he too was different than other guys she'd liked. Then she explained how it was his qualities, his humility, and servanthood that drew her heart. As I listened, I realized that all my life I've based my relationships on feeling and attraction. Claire emphasized that this decision of courtship and marriage
can't
be based on feelings. We are fickle people. Julie had told me the same thing: "You can't trust your affections, but you can rely on love and character.

Their advice shook up my romantic ideals and started me thinking about character. Then Claire asked if other peoples opinions factored into my decision. I realize just how much this played into my initial decision to say no to Kerrin. I guess I thought I deserved better. It's just foolish pride. The more Claire described her experience with David, the more I saw that my ideals were all wrong. I left determined to reevaluate what formed my opinions.

Claire didn't convince me that I should court Kerrin; she helped me evaluate what played into my decision and why I thought and felt the way I did. I talked to Mom and Dad that night, still very much unclear and lacking faith, but determined to search my heart.