Boy Nobody (27 page)

“I did say that.”

“I’d like to see you and Dad.”

“We’d like to see you, too. But with the move going on, it’s not the right time.”

“You’re moving?” I say.

“In a manner of speaking.”

“Could you make some time for me?”

“I’m sorry, honey. Our hands are tied,” she says.

Tied.

I think of myself taped to a chair in a dark warehouse, Mike looming over me.

Sent by Mother.

I think of my father taped to a chair in our living room, a trickle of blood running down his face. Mike stands over him.

Sent by Mother.

“There’s a lot more we need to talk about,” I say.

“Oh, yes,” Mother says. “We will.”

I hear her typing on a keyboard in the background. Is she writing a report about what happened here? Putting everything in neat boxes?

Maybe this was just another assignment to her, another task checked off the list. An operative deviated slightly from the plan, but he’s back now.

Zach Abram is back in the family.

Mission accomplished.

She says, “By the way, keep your eye out for an e-mail. Your father is sending you something.”

“I’ll look forward to it,” I say. “I have to go now, Mom. There’s a lot to do before I leave.”

“Love you,” she says.

I start to speak, but I cannot. My throat is dry.

I take a breath. I swallow. And I stick to the script.

“Love you. Talk to you soon,” I say.

I end the call.

I stand in his bedroom doorway.

The apartment is empty, his parents gone. That will only make my job easier.

On the desk monitors behind him, windows are open to dozens of different news sources. Sam’s death and the aftermath from every angle and perspective.

“Were you there when Sam…

His voice trails off.

“I didn’t see her,” I lie. “But I know she didn’t suffer.”

That part is the truth.

Howard starts to cry. “Did I have anything to do with it?”

“You tried to prevent it. We both did.”

“Is that what we were doing?”

“Yes.”

That seems to calm him.

“She was always nice to me,” he says.

“She wasn’t who she seemed to be,” I say.

“Are any of us?”

The monitors behind him go to screen saver. Goji’s avatar floats in a starry sky, her eyes massive and glowing bright. Her face travels on a journey from one monitor to the next.

Howard says, “Some columnist at the
Daily News
said the mayor should run for president in the next election. Can you believe it? They’re already using this for politics.”

“I imagine there will be a lot of that in the days to come.”

Howard sniffles, wiping his nose with his sleeve. After a minute, he pulls himself together.

“I want to show you something,” he says. “I did some more work for you.”

He flicks the mouse, and one of his screens turns on. Long lists of numbers that I can’t understand.

“What am I looking at?”

“When I was working for you, I kept running across trails. Everywhere I went—the blog, the mayor’s schedule—someone had already been there.”

“The Israelis were involved. Was it them?”

“I don’t think so. These were hackers. This one kid in particular. Infinite is his name.”

“Infinite?”

“That’s his handle. Infinite L∞P. With an infinity sign instead of letters, like that means something.”

“How do you know about him?”

“He’s a twelve-year-old dickwad, that’s how. He thinks he’s a genius, and I can’t totally disagree with him, given the things he can do. But he’s arrogant, so he doesn’t clean up after himself.
There’s a vapor trail that I followed to Spotify. He listens to Katy Perry. Does that sound like a genius to you?”

“You’re saying there’s a little kid who’s a hacker?”

“Not just one. A whole bunch of them, all in different cities. I thought you’d know about them. Because of your job.”

“I don’t know.”

But maybe The Program does. I imagine kids implanted all over the country, doing the tech work for The Program while I do the wet work.

“So you’ve been looking around online,” I say.

“I was trying to help you,” he says.

There are seven steps between us. I use two of them.

“I covered my tracks,” Howard says, fear creeping into his voice.

“You did your best. I’m not saying you didn’t.”

I take another step.

“I know I’m a loose end,” he says.

A loose end. He’s right. That’s why I’ve come. To clean up loose ends.

I take another step toward him. He lowers his head and stares at the ground.

“Kill me if you want,” he says. “You’d be doing me a favor.”

“I don’t want to kill you,” I say.

The problem is Mother.

My rebellion was tolerated, at least for the time being. But she knows only part of it. It’s one thing to breach protocol myself, but if she knew I’d potentially revealed The Program to an outsider—

I don’t want to kill Howard, but I can’t leave any evidence.

Howard is evidence. Even though we’ve maintained anonymity to this point, there’s no telling what will happen going forward.

Howard might not be able to keep his mouth shut. He’ll brag to someone at school. He’ll tell Goji. And he can link me back to the mayor and Sam.

Kill only when necessary. This is my training.

I’ve thought it through and decided that Howard is a risk I cannot take.

It will look like suicide.

Howard was obsessed with Sam. Everyone in school knew it. He’s mentally unstable, with medical records that prove as much.

People will say that Sam’s death sent Howard over the edge. The biggest loser in school lost his secret crush, and the grief was too much for him.

The pieces of the story are already in place. I need only to write the ending.

“Could I send a good-bye e-mail to Goji?” Howard says. “At least you can give me that before you do it.”

“Stop saying that, Howard.”

I look at him squeezed into the corner of his room. It seems he’s always in a corner. Corner of his room, corner of the cafeteria, corner of the hall.

In a corner being hit. The story of Howard’s life.

No matter now.

I can’t take him with me, and I can’t leave him here knowing what he knows.

But what if I could use him in some way? What if his skills could still be helpful to me?

There’s always a choice.
That’s what Sam said.

Which means I can choose differently.

“You found the hackers,” I say.

“Yes.”

“Could you find out who they work for?”

“Very possible,” Howard says.

Could you find The Program?

That’s the real question.

I sit on the edge of Howard’s bed. It’s the only part not covered in dirty clothes.

“What’s happening?” Howard says.

Choices.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” I say.

“You mean you’re going to take me with you?”

“I can’t do that. But I have another idea for how we can work together.”

“Like what?” he says, getting excited.

“Go back to school, go back to your life, but it’s not your life anymore. It’s your cover story. Because you’re working for me now.”

“Like a spy,” he says.

“That’s right. And if you have problems in school—”

“They’re not really problems. They’re part of my cover story.”

“You got it,” I say.

“This is incredible, Ben.”

“We’ll put a system in place. Encoded communications. You may not hear from me for long periods of time.”

“I understand.”

“Then I’ll call on you. For your expertise.”

“Anytime.”

“Howard, you have to cover your tracks.”

“Triple and quadruple cover,” he says.

“Not like—what’s his name?”

“Infinite L∞P. No. I’m better than him.”

“It’s not about better or worse. It’s about what happens if you get found out. What happens to both of us.”

He nods. “I understand the risks.”

“Okay, then,” I say. “You’ve got yourself a job.”

He rushes over to the bed and throws his arms around me tightly.

“We won’t be doing that,” I say.

“Just one hug,” he says. “Then it’s all professional from here on out.”

He finishes the hug, then steps back, a smile on his face.

“Thank you, Ben. Thanks for giving me a chance.”

He watches Goji’s face float on his computer monitor. He reaches out and touches the screen.

“Thanks for both of us,” he says.

I glance at the screen. “She can’t know anything,” I say.

“Never,” he says.

I step toward the door.

“What will you do now?” he says.

I look at my watch.

“Time for school,” I say. “It’s my last day.”

There are counselors in the gym to assist us. There are clergy in the cafeteria to pray with us. There are teachers everywhere to support us.

Not us.

Them.

Students wander the halls, clumping in small groups. Those who knew Sam are falling apart. Those who didn’t know her pretend to be.

I pass by Sam’s locker. The floor is strewn with flowers, candles, and photos. Cards are tucked into bouquets, propped up on the floor, taped onto the locker itself.

Darius stands against the wall keeping silent vigil.

I clear my throat. He notices me standing there.

“I tried to protect her,” he says. “You know I did.”

I nod.

He says, “You want to know the part that really gets me? I never told her how I felt about her.”

He kicks at an empty locker, his face a mask of pain.

“She knew,” I say.

He looks up. “How can you be sure?”

“She told me.”

His face relaxes, and he smiles just a little.

A girl with black hair walks up and collapses into his arms. I recognize her as one of Sam’s posse that first day.

“What happened?” he asks her.

“What happened?” she says back to him.

It’s the echo of the day.
What happened?
Followed by
I can’t believe it.

My e-mail chimes, and I check my phone.

Father sent me something. I follow the links as I’ve been taught to do.

It’s not my next assignment. It’s instructions. How to leave, which train to take. And a hotel in another city, where I will wait.

I look back at Darius. He is distracted talking to the girl, so I keep walking, letting my presence fade by degrees.

Sadness helps. It is distracting.

I help, pulling my energy back little by little until I am nearly gone from this place.

“I see you,” Erica says.

Nearly.

“What do you see?” I say.

“Suffering.”

I give her a half smile, like it might be true.

It’s not true. I am not suffering.

I do not suffer.

“You loved her,” Erica says.

“I hardly knew her,” I say.

“You were falling in love. That’s what I should have said. You were in the process.”

I shake my head.

“I think you were. Maybe you didn’t know it.”

I feel a tug deep in my stomach.

I get still for a moment, explore the sensation.

Not a sensation.

A feeling.

I remember this feeling from a long time ago. It is like sadness, only worse. Much worse.

It’s grief.

A deep chasm of grief. I’m standing on the edge looking into endless depths.

I cannot stay in this place. It’s unbearable.

I step back from the edge.

I take the feeling and file it away along with the other things from this assignment. The things I’ve seen and the people I’ve met. Images flash through my mind.

Standing arm in arm with the mayor, singing together while Sam looks on with a cake in her hands.

Sam in my apartment in front of the fire.

Sam in the park. At my feet, unmoving.

Sam and the mayor, and all the memories that accompany them.

I do not need these things, only the lesson they have taught me.

What is the lesson?

“Are you okay, Ben?”

What is the lesson?

Survive.

No matter what happens to you, no matter the circumstances, no matter what life tosses at you—the losses, the pain.

You must survive.

“I’m fine,” I tell Erica.

She looks at me. I make my face neutral.

“How are you doing, Erica?”

“I’m not fine. I want a drink so badly I can’t stand it.”

“You shouldn’t drink when you’re feeling like this.”

“Thanks for the public service announcement,” she says.

She puts a hand on my forearm.

“Sorry. I’m being a bitch. I know you care. It’s just that I kind of hate you. You turned me down three times. Nobody does that and lives.”

“Yet here I am, alive and well.”

“I let you live,” she says. “For Sam’s sake. Maybe I’m getting cheesy in my old age.”

“How old are you?”

“Nearly eighteen.”

“That is old.”

“Shut up,” she says.

She punches me in the arm.

A challenge.

No.

Something else.

People are acting strangely today. Crying one minute, laughing the next. Flirting and hugging and falling apart.

Grief. This is what it does to people. It makes them strangers to themselves.

It’s good that I’ve put it away.

“What am I going to do without her?” Erica says.

She groans and hugs herself.

This is not part of my training, grieving people and aftermath. I do not stay for aftermath. Not usually.

When in doubt, emulate.

“What are any of us going to do?” I say to Erica.

This seems to comfort her.

“Call me if you need anything,” she says.

“I will.”

“Promise me?”

I don’t promise. I drift away.

I have instructions from Father now, and it’s time to go.

I continue through the halls, my energy receding.