Boys Beware (15 page)

Ali is
such
a puzzle! There is simply no understanding her.

Wednesday

Me and Tash are really angry. Really
really
angry. Ali has absolutely gone and done it! Yesterday, we felt fond of her. Today we are
seething.
We’d like to lock her in her cupboard and leave her there. She is not fit to be let out!

It just so happened that we both stayed late after school, me for the drama club and Tash for tennis practice. We didn’t get back till half-past five, by which time …

Suffice it to say that Ali has been up to her old tricks.
Talking
to people. People she finds on the street. People that drink, and stink, and probably take drugs. People you wouldn’t want to be within a million miles of! And there was one of them, sitting in
our room,
at
our table,
eating
our food.

Me and Tash nearly went ballistic! I really thought that Ali had grown out of that disgusting habit. It is so unwholesome, and she is just so
totally indiscriminate.
She sees these people sitting there, in shop doorways, and she starts up these mad conversations, and next thing you know she’s claiming they’re her friend, and bringing them back home to stink the place out. Cos this one did stink! We could smell it as soon as we opened
the door. I don’t mean to be unsympathetic, but it was just, like, completely and utterly DISGUSTING. Only of course you can’t actually say anything, since you don’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

Ali, as usual, remained blissfully unaware. She has this ability, things just wash over her. All bright and happy she tells us that this is Patricia, who’s just popped in for a bite to eat. Patricia looks like a pickled walnut, and I can’t decide whether it’s dirt or suntan. She’s also raving bonkers. Mum wouldn’t like me saying that as she is all for tolerance, but it just happens to be
true.
We got rid of her double quick and immediately scrubbed the table with Dettol. We are just so furious! We have both laid into Ali, telling her it will be all her fault if we go down with some dread disease or get eaten alive by fleas.

I said, “You can’t do things like that! It’s irresponsible.”

“It’s dangerous,” said Tash. “You could have got us all
murdered.”

Well, she could! Patricia was definitely certifiable. We said this – well, shouted it, actually – and Ali just sat there, like completely unmoved. She wasn’t bottling: we just weren’t getting through to her. She waited till we’d finished yelling, then calmly stood up and said, “She can’t help the way she is, she’s had a very hard life.” And that was that! End of conversation.

Oh, God, Ali is so so weird! Did she do this thing to pay us back for upsetting her yesterday? Saying about Auntie Jay being a lesbian? Or did it just suddenly come over her, that she had to bring this stinking old woman back home? Mum once said that Ali has a “good heart”, and I know – I know! – that people like Patricia are lost souls and cannot help the way they are, I know that Ali is right and I am wrong, but it is very difficult to bear!

Thursday

Tash says she has been bitten by a flea. It could have come off Fat Man – or it could have come off Patricia. We are still
very cross
with Ali. We have told her, it is good to have compassion, but there is a limit. Unfortunately, I don’t think Ali knows what limits are. It’s like she has to watch
Star Trek
every day. I mean,
every single day.
We think she is probably a lost cause.

Gran rang up this evening to tell us that the photographs are on the way. Hurrah! I am longing to see them.

Friday

The photographs have come and they are great of Wackeen but not so good of me. Well, I don’t think they are. I think they make me look lumpy. I said this to Tash and she told me that I was talking rubbish. She said, “Nothing could make you look lumpy, you’re far too slim.”

I said, “But my face looks fat! Look at it!”

Tash looked and said she couldn’t see anything wrong with my face, and she took the photographs to school with her and insisted on showing them to everyone.

I kept trying to stop her. I screeched, “No, don’t! They’re horrible!” But people just kept snatching and grabbing and passing them round.

Actually, I don’t think they’re
too
bad. Of me, I mean. It’s only one that makes me look lumpy. The rest are quite good, I might even take them into Boots and get them blown up, except maybe that would be a bit show-offy. It’s not like I’m a movie star, or anything! But there is one of me and Wackeen together that I specially like. Everyone was going “Ooh” and “Aah” as they looked at it. I wonder if he will ever write to me???

Avril said it was a pity I couldn’t bring him along tomorrow as we are going to be very short of boys, so then we had to break the bad news about Gus not coming. Everyone was hugely disappointed, it made us feel like we had let them down. Kim said, “Well! I thought by now you’d have managed to get somewhere.” We found this remark somewhat irritating. Like she thought
she
would have got anywhere!

Tash, with great dignity, said, “It just so happens that he’s not into girls.”

There was this sort of silence, then Ishara, who is still quite babyish, said, “How can you tell?”

Tash said, “You just can.”

“Like if he doesn’t fancy
Tash
,” I said.

“And he doesn’t fancy Em—”

“He could still come along,” said Kim.

But we cannot face another brush off! It would be too humiliating. We quickly changed the subject and told them instead about Ali and how she had brought this old woman all covered in fleas back home with her. Everyone immediately screeched out in horror: “Ugh! Fleas!”

I said, “Yes, it was foul, but that’s Ali for you.”

Kim said, “Gross!”

Zoella wanted to know if Ali had got herself a boyfriend yet, and me and Tash gave these hollow laughs, like ho-ho-ho, but without any chuckle in the middle. I said this was what worried us. “How will she
ever
get one? She never goes anywhere, she never does anything!”

Zoella then said that she had this great idea. She said her cousin William is staying with them over the weekend. She said he’s fifteen and “quite nice” and “hugely clever” but kind of “not very good-looking, if you know what I mean?” She says he finds it difficult to get girlfriends, being a bit shy as well as not very good-looking. She said, “He’d be just right for Ali!”

Tash and I agreed that he sounded like Ali’s sort of person, and Avril has said it’s OK if they both come along, so now we are really hopeful that we may have found a boyfriend for her. Tash says they will be able to sit together and be as clever as they like.

I said, “Yes, they can spend all evening talking to each other about red midgets and exploding holes and black whatever they ares.” And it won’t matter if Ali refuses to get dressed up or let us fix her hair, cos William won’t be fashion conscious and he probably won’t even notice that she chews her nails, and she won’t mind that he’s not good-looking cos they’ll both be far too busy talking boffin talk.

It will be such a relief if we can get Ali set up! It will be a weight off our minds. It will mean that we can concentrate all our energies on ourselves, for a change. I think Mum will be pleased too, cos I know she worries about Ali. Tash says we should have done it ages ago. “Found a boy for Ali.” She says Ali will be so much happier being
normal.
I agree! It can’t be nice to always feel that you are an outsider.

She is not here at the moment, but as soon as she comes in we are going to tell her. She has a date!

MATCHMAKERS UNITED!!!

Week 7, Saturday

Well.
So much for trying to help people. Talk about ingratitude! Ali rolled up at six o’clock and we immediately told her about the invitation – the very
kind and thoughtful
invitation, considering she isn’t even one of us – and she said, “Oh, but I can’t, I’m doing things.”

Quite frankly, we were staggered. When does Ali ever do things? I mean,
real
things. Going-out-in-a-group-and-having-fun-type things. She doesn’t! Not ever.

Tash said, “When you say
things—”

Ali said, “I’ve got stuff arranged.”

I said, “What
stuff?”

“Stuff,” said Ali.

She is always so vague! She is for ever drifting in and out and not saying where she has been or who she has been there with. It’s useless to ask her as she will never tell you. I guess she’s going round to see Louise; she is the only friend we’ve ever heard her talk about. Goodness only knows what they get up to! Me and Tash grew quite impatient. Tash said, “If it’s Louise, you see her all the time. Surely just for once you could do something different?”

I told her that Avril had invited her specially. “Zoella’s cousin is coming. He’s a real egghead!” (Dad’s way of saying boffin.) “He’s desperate to meet you.” Tash added that they would find “so much to talk
about.” But Ali just dug in her heels and said again that she had “stuff arranged”. She is a truly maddening person! She is just
so
stubborn.

We spent half the evening lecturing her. We said, “It’s for your own good.” We came straight out with it, we told her: “You’ll never get a boyfriend if you carry on like this!” We told her that she didn’t know how to speak to boys, or how to behave with boys. We told her how she didn’t take enough care about the way she dressed or the way she looked. We said, “You have to make an effort. These things don’t happen all on their own.” We may have seemed a bit brutal, but sometimes I do believe you have to be cruel to be kind. She cannot go on the way she is!!!