Bradley, Marion Zimmer - Novel 19 (21 page)

 
          
She
flung her head back.

 
          
"All
right, damn you, Dal! Do anything you please. Raise your voice. Yell. Rave.
Storm.
Carry on like one of your greatgrandfathers on
Pioneer threatening to beat his woman and show her that her proper place is in
his bed! See what it gets you! Once already today I put my credibility on the
line and risked everything I've accomplished here, to keep them from beating
you to rags! We're not on Pioneer. We're not even on University! We're in the
Matriarchate on
Isis
, and do you realize that if I raise my voice,
I can have you put outside in the male kennels to sleep there? If you lay a
hand on me, Dal, I will call for help, and you have already had a taste today
of how they treat a male who misbehaves!" She was shaking. "I am
tired of this, Dal! I'm doing my best for both of us, and every night, every
night I have to face this, and I'm sick of it, Dal, sick of it!" Dal
lowered his hands. His face was dead white. "You've just been waiting for
a chance to do this to me, haven't you, Cendri?"

 
          
She
shook her head. "I've been bending over backward not to do it, Dal. But
I've reached my limit! I can't take any more!" She bit her lip hard,
trying not to cry. "It's not my fault things are the way they are on
Isis
! But you're blaming me for it! You wanted
me to come here, you forced me into this position, into this impossible
position, and now you are making it impossible for me—" her voice broke
and she sobbed.

 
          
White-faced,
Dal reached for her; she flinched, and his jaw dropped in consternation. He
whispered, "You're really
afraid
of me, Cendri? Love, what's
happening to us?"

 
          
She
fell against his shoulder, weeping. "You begged me to come here, you
begged me, you promised me it wouldn't make any difference who got the credit
for it, you said it would be the two of us sharing our work, and now you're
treating me as if I were your enemy—" She couldn't go on.

 
          
He
held her gently, trying to soothe her. "It's this damnable place," he
said, "You're beginning to act like these accursed women here. I can't
understand you any more, Cendri! Would you really have turned me over to
them?"

 
          
She
shook her head, her eyes blurring with tears. But when he
 
would have carried her to the padded
corner, she began to cry again.
 
Not this, not that he should soothe his
hurt pride again with
 
lovemaking___ He tried to coax her, calm
.her, but she continued to shake her head, sobbing, and at last, angrily, he
let her go and went wrathfully off to his corner.

 
          
"So
now you're going to use sex to discipline the wild animal?" he flung at
her in a rage. She did not trouble to reply, though she knew that was not how
it was at all; rather, he had been using his sex as a weapon to impose his will
on her, and when she refused to be manipulated that way, turned the accusation
back on her. Silently, she went and climbed into her high solitary bed. It was
just as narrow, just as cold and uncomfortable, as it looked. She thought
longingly of the warmth of Dai's body, but she knew she could not give in now.
In the end she cried herself to sleep.

 
          
He
woke still sullen, and did not speak to Cendri as he moved around the luxurious
bath. But when she came back after a long hot bath he was standing at the
window, looking down at the ruins, shrouded in thin morning fog. He could not
keep back a smile as he turned to her:

 
          
"Today's
the day, Cendri! Somehow I never thought we'd actually get inside them, I
thought they'd keep stalling and stalling us-"

 
          
"I'm
glad, Dal," she said, and he came to her, contritely pulling her into his
arms.
"Cendri.
I'm sorry I bullied you last
night. I won't do it again. It just got to be too much for me,
that's
all."

 
          
"I'm
sorry too, Dal." She leaned her head against the warmth of him. "I
just—exploded, that was all. The waiting makes me nervous, too."

 
          
"And
then when you wouldn't sleep with me afterward—it was just the breaking point,
that's all. But it's over. Let's try never to get out of synch with each other
again, shall we?"

 
          
"I'll
try, I promise."

 
          
"I
still think we could have made it up, if you'd been willing—"

 
          
Softened
and warmed by his touch, Cendri still found a small core of anger remaining.
Did he really think that things could have been settled by coming together
sexually, when nothing of the basic conflict had been dealt with? Was that
really a universal male failing? Gently, she freed herself from Dai's arms.
"We mustn't get off to a late start, Dal. It's going to be a long day.
Have you the recording equipment ready?"

 
          
Instantly
diverted by the memory of his long-awaited work, he went off to assemble it,
while Cendri thought, surprised and shocked at herself,
How
devious
I
am! That's a female way of handling
it, and
I
despise it.' She had
always despised such elusive female maneuverings. Yet how quickly the technique
had come to her hand when she wished to make use of it!

 
          
She
had known all along that this place was damaging Dal. Now, uneasily, she
explored the possibility that it might be having an effect on her too—or was it
simply making her
see
, with her surface consciousness,
things she had done unconsciously all her life? Damning the whole Matriarchate
under her
breath,
and Dal along with them, she started
gathering together the materials they would need.

 
          
They
made a considerable assembly stacked on the floor of their suite, and Dal
surveyed them with a frown. "We'll never be able to carry all this. Do you
suppose Vaniya will lend us a couple of people, or servomechs if they have
them? I'd prefer
servos,
it goes against the grain to
have other people carry things for me. If Rhu's bound and determined to come,
maybe I can talk him into carrying some of this stuff!"

 
          
"That
might be useful. Anyway, some of the woman students from the
College
of
Ariadne
were supposed to be showing up to assist
us."

 
          
"To
assist you, you mean," he grumbled, then deliberately made himself grin.
"Well, at least it will be only young women flocking around to share your
prestige and admire you! I often thought that if the Scholar Dame di Velo had
had a jealous husband she could never have had the kind of career she had!
Funny thing," he mused. "She's not good-looking, she seems as old as
the Windic Ruins, and as for sex appeal, my grandfather might have thought her
a fine-looking woman, but certainly no younger man ever did! And yet, when she
started talking, nobody ever noticed any younger woman, no matter how beautiful
she might have been. I was often surprised that you weren't jealous of her,
Cendri."

 
          
She
slipped her hand within his arm and murmured, "I was, a little. Didn't you
know?" And privately she thought: Vaniya has something of that quality.
It's the quality of power, of force of personality, which has nothing at all to
do with personal attraction.

           
"Poor woman," Dal said,
"I wonder how the Scholar Dame is getting on? I can't forget that I got my
chance through her misfortune!"

 
          
"She'd
want you to do your best by it, and enjoy it," Cendri comforted him, and
he sighed, "I know," as they went down toward the huge dining-hall
and its morning component of frisky children and Vaniya's assembled family and
hangers-on, trying for a word with the Pro-Matriarch before her duties took her
away for the day. As they went to the places now reserved for them by custom,
Dal muttered, "Actually, I wish we could eat a bit informally in our rooms
and be on our way without all this fuss, but I suppose Vaniya would be mortally
offended!"

 
          
"Yes,
I'm afraid so."

 
          
"Why
can't they just give us what help we ask for, and leave us to get on with the
job? After all, it's what they brought us here to do!"

 
          
"Dal,
you're thinking in terms of the Unity and of University again," she
chided, trying not to sound as if she were lecturing him. "That special
idea—that time is a limited commodity and wasting it is somehow morally
wrong—belongs only to a very few cultures in the Unity."

 
          
"Well,
they're the cultures that get things done," he argued. "They sent for
an expert from the Unity, why don't they just let you do what they sent for you
to do?"

 
          
She
shrugged. There was no way to convince Dal; he was in essence the male from
Pioneer who valued attention to business and strict efficiency and a regulated
approach to time, and she had long since accepted it. Her own world was
time-oriented—although perhaps not so compulsively as Dal's—but at least she
now regarded it as a preference, not a moral absolute!

 
          
Vaniya,
at the low table where she sat, with Miranda and Rhu and one or two other
favored members of her household, such as the guests from the Unity, was
listening to petitions, as she did every morning at breakfast. Cendri listened
as she let Miranda fill her plate with small, crisply-fried shellfish. The
petitioner just now was a man, in a brief tunic outfit, and Vaniya listened,
frowning, as he presented a petition from the Men's House of—Cendri did not
know what the area represented, or whether it was a single household, a
district, a village or a whole city—to organize a hunt.

 
          
"Are
your rations really so inadequate?" Vaniya asked. "I do not like to
think of anyone suffering from hunger. At the same time, I am most reluctant to
grant this permission just now. Our reports from the seismic equipment warn of
continuing quakes in that district, and it is unwise to expose yourselves to
danger until the conditions are a little more settled. During one of the last
quake seasons, almost a hundred men were killed in the inland Land Reclamation
district, which is why the project has been cancelled. If we cannot allow any
of our subjects to go inland for anything as vital as Land Reclamation—although
I have asked for some woman volunteers next season—certainly we cannot allow it
for the frivolous purpose of a hunt!"

 
          
"Respect,
Mother," said the man, stammering, "but our hunt is not—not
frivolous. The Inland area produces nothing and cannot even be reclaimed. The
meat that grows there of its free will is a valuable addition to the protein
reserve."

 
          
Vaniya
made a wry face. "A most uneconomical use of land reserves," she
said, "and I am personally not inclined to substitute use of slaughtered
creatures for the crops the land might grow if it were reclaimed. Even when one
understands the additional need for protein in the male's food system, it seems
to me irrational. It is not particularly reasonable, to rationalize your love
of hunting by such arguments. I am sorry to deny your people a pleasure, but I
am afraid I must refuse, for the present. I will give orders to supplement your
protein rations by one-fifth, which should suffice in such a season as this,
with extra allowance for athletes and manual laborers and growing youths. Will
that content you?"

 
          
"Respect,
Mother Pro-Matriarch, but I have here a letter from our Supervisor stating that
the crops this season will not support an increase in the protein
allowance." He bowed and handed it to her, and Vaniya frowned over it,
letting the food on her plate turn cold. Finally she said "I am sorry: I
am so accustomed to men who rationalize the desire for hunting with specious
arguments, that I had not been prepared to see a genuine need." For her,
Cendri knew, that was a gracious apology. "Well, I suppose you must
organize your hunt, then, but be sure to consult the City Mothers before your
route is fully planned, and make certain to avoid known eruption areas."

 
          
The
man bowed. He said, "In gratitude, may we invite the Pro-Matriarch's
Companion to be our honored guest on this hunt?"

 
          
Vaniya
glanced at Rhu, and said, "No, I think not, he is not really strong enough
for the journey. He would burden you. You didn't really want to go, did you,
Rhu?"

 
          
Rhu
lowered his eyes to his plate and murmured, "I am at your command,
Vaniya."

 
          
"Then
I think not,"
said
Vaniya, "But we have an
honored guest of the City of
Ariadne
at our table. Perhaps, Scholar Dame, your
Companion would enjoy the diversion of a hunt after being cooped up in the city
like this since his arrival?"

 
          
Dai's
glance at Cendri said plainly, a command,
"
Get
me out of this.'" The first day in the Ruins—and some point of
protocol might send him off on a Hunt? She could see that in his face as
clearly as if she were reading his mind.

 
          
She
said coolly, not looking at the man, "I am sorry to refuse, but I thought
it had been made clear that my Companion is my trained assistant. I cannot by
any means dispense with its presence as we are beginning our work."

 
          
Dal
looked grim. Well he might, Cendri thought, when it was taken so completely for
granted that Cendri had the right to give him orders like this. She tried to
catch his eye, give him a reassuring smile—after all, when all was said and
done they
had
to make a joke of it—but his eyes were resolutely averted.

 
          
Misunderstanding—fortunately—the
frown on his face, Vaniya said cheerfully to Cendri, "I hate saying no to
men, don't you? They sulk so. Perhaps another time a hunt can be organized
especially for your Companion, when the land is safer."

 
          
The
man bowed and withdrew. Cendri saw him gesture surreptitiously, unobserved by
Vaniya, who was applying herself heartily to her breakfast. After a moment she
saw Rhu return the gesture, below the rim of the table. His lips moved; Cendri
could not hear what he said—in fact, she thought, he had probably not spoken
aloud—but she was perfectly sure that what he said was, "We were not born
in chains."

 
          
The
light was growing, and the sun clear of the horizon. Vaniya firmly stamped one
or two more papers and handed them to her private secretary, a childlike young
woman, fair-haired, and well advanced in pregnancy. "We have heard nothing
of the promised students from the Women's College. At what hour did they commit
themselves to be here, Calissa?"

 
          
Calissa
said, "Laurina, who teaches history at the college, is already here. I
believe she brought a message—"

 
          
Laurina
came into the dining-room. She was wearing a wide sunhat and, Cendri was glad
to see, stout shoes. She bowed to the Pro-Matriarch and said clearly, "I
am ashamed for my colleagues.
And for your colleague,
Vaniya."

 
          
Vaniya
said, looking as if she were bracing herself against bad news, "What has
Mahala done now, child?"