Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (21 page)
****
Football Team
“Come on, we’re going to miss kickoff,” called
the guys to the girls talking in the back of the car. The girls
rolled their eyes and climbed out of the car.
They joined hands and walked into the football
stadium. They took seats right behind the band. The cheerleaders
were dancing in front of the crowd, accompanied by the band. One of
the boys whistled at the cheerleaders, and his girlfriend smacked
him on the arm and said, “Larry!”
“Oh, I love you too Sue!” he said and gave her a
huge kiss.
Finally, the game kicked off. Their star player,
the quarterback named Earley, got the ball and lobbed a perfect
touchdown pass to one of his receivers on the first play from
scrimmage.
The home team dominated throughout the whole
game. The two couples barely paid attention. Larry spent his time
watching the cheerleaders or talking to his friends in the band,
and his girlfriend was pissed.
So she stormed down the bleachers and watched
the game from the sidelines. Earley took a seat on the bench and
drank a bottle of Gatorade while the defense was on the field. Sue
waved to him through the fence.
“You’re playing great tonight,” she said,
flirting.
“Thanks!” he replied. “At least I didn’t break a
leg this time.”
She laughed nervously, not sure if she got the
joke. He took off his helmet, and she saw blood dripping down his
forehead. “Oh no, you’re hurt,” she said.
He wiped his forehead and looked at the back of
his hand. “Oh no, that’s normal.”
“Normal?” she asked.
“Yeah, when I was turned into a zombie, I got
this wound. Sometimes, especially when I sweat, it bleeds.”
She was shocked. “You’re... You’re a
zombie?”
“Yep,” he said and put his helmet back on.
He went back to win the game almost single
handedly. The whole time, Sue stood on the sidelines cheering him
on.
At the end of the game, he pulled her to his
side and gave her a huge kiss. As they walked off the field
together, her now ex-boyfriend called out, “Zombie lover!”
She yelled back, “You bet! He’s better than you
ever were! I love zombies!”
****
Super Zombie!
A
woman and her five year old son were walking through the mall on a
busy Saturday afternoon.
“Toys, Mama!” the boy said as they walked by the
toy store. The storefront was filled with little electronic toys. A
train ran constantly around a track surrounding the display. Kids
with controllers ran remote control cars around in a box. Little
monkeys would climb up a tree, slide down a slide, and then climb
back up. A puppy would walk five steps forward, bark, do a
backflip, and start it all over again. “Puppy, mama!”
“Come on honey,” she said, held his hand, and
guided him along.
They walked by the pet store with the dogs and
cats in the windows. “Kitty, mama!”
“Come on honey,” she said again, a bit less
patiently this time, and took him into the shoe store.
She put him on a bench in the section she wanted
to look in and told him, “Stay right there.”
Although anxious to go play with the toys, he
sat on the bench and fidgeted waiting for him mom to finish. A man
walked by with a dog. “Puppy, Mama!” the little boy said.
“That’s nice honey,” she replied and went back
to talking with the sales lady.
The man heard him and stopped. The dog sat down.
“Come on over,” the man beckoned.
The little boy slid off of the bench and walked
over to the dog, just outside the front of the store. “It’s okay,
you can pet him,” said the man.
People walked around them as he petted the dog,
and some gave them dirty looks for being in their way. “Here, let’s
go over there where it’s less busy,” said the man, leading him away
from the store.
The little boy followed him and the dog through
the mall and outside. Before they got to the van parked on the
curb, a zombie in a cape and an S on his shirt said, “Stop right
there kidnapper!”
The zombie threw his arm down the sidewalk, and
the dog ran after it. He grabbed the kidnapper’s hands, forced them
behind his back, and pinned him to the ground. Super Zombie told
the boy, “Wait right there, and your mom will come get you.”
As soon as he said that, mall security came out
and took over the kidnapper and the dog. The kid’s mom was right
behind them. She was crying, and she picked up her little boy and
hugged him, saying, “Oh my boy! I was so worried about you!”
Then she turned to the zombie and said, “Super
Zombie, thank you so much! How can I ever repay you?”
“Just doing my duty, ma’am,” he said, and walked
away.
Meanwhile, on the other side of town, a bank was
getting ready to close for the day. They were taking care of the
last few customers before they locked their doors.
The last customer was wearing a baggy hooded
sweatshirt, with the hood pulled up over his baseball cap, which
was pulled low over his face. The brim was touching his dark
sunglasses. Before he got up to the counter, he pulled out a gun
and yelled, “Everybody to the floor!”
He pointed the gun at the tellers and screamed,
“If one of you even thinks about pushing a button, I’ll blow your
brains out so you’ll never think again.”
He picked out one teller and said, “You. Go to
the safe and fill these bags.” He threw her a couple duffel bags.
“I will be checking it for any ink packs or trackers before I
leave, and if I find any, your ass is grass. Now go!”
She scurried into the back, and he made his way
around the counter. Before she could come back, a zombie ran in
through the front doors. “Stop bank robber!” he yelled.
The robber shot the zombie in the chest. The
zombie just yelled, put on a bike helmet with an S imprinted on the
top, and charged at the robber. The man shot several more times,
but the bullets didn’t stop Super Zombie.
Super Zombie disarmed and detained the robber
until the cops arrived. “Thank you Super Zombie,” they said.
“You are welcome,” said Super Zombie. “I am just
doing my service to this wonderful town.”
****
Scrooged
“Get that
report on my desk by the end of the day,” yelled Mr. Harvey into
the phone before slamming it back into the receiver.
He sat back in his leather upholstered office
chair, picked up the remote, and turned on the baseball game. He
paged his secretary and ordered her to bring him a cup of coffee.
Then he called his bookie and made a bet on the game.
His secretary came in his office carrying a
fresh pot of coffee and his cup. “What the hell took so long?” he
asked.
She just said, “Sorry,” and placed the tray on
his desk.
“Your outfit doesn’t conform to the dress code,”
he said as she turned to leave. “All women are required to wear
skirts.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Would you like me to go
home and change?”
“No need,” he said, and went over to his closet.
He pulled out a short black skirt and threw it to her.
“I’ll be right back,” she said, taking the
skirt.
“No need,” he said. “You can change right here.”
Then he sat in his chair and made himself comfortable, facing in
her direction.
“Thank you for the offer,” she said, “but I need
to go get some panty hose.”
“That’s not required,” he said.
Uncomfortably, under his watchful eye, she took
off her slacks and pulled on the skirt, trying to pull it down over
her legs as much as possible. He nodded his approval, and she
left.
He picked up his phone again. “Mrs. Edson, can I
see you in my office please?”
A few minutes later, a woman in her early
thirties, looking haggard and tired, came through the door. Mr.
Harvey leaned forward in his chair and said, “You’ve called in sick
the past three days.”
“Little Johnny, my son, has been sick. In fact,
he actually succumbed to his illness, but the doctors were able to
revive him as a zombie.”
“And how did that make YOU not able to work?” he
asked.
She stared at him open-mouthed for a second
before she said, “I brought in a doctor’s note.”
“But you were not sick. That is not a valid
excuse for missing work. You’re fired.” He leaned back in his
chair.
“Please,” she begged, “give me another chance.
Johnny’s dad is gone, and we’re behind on the rent, and it’s just
me to support the both of us, and...”
“We’re done here,” he said. “Please leave.”
Around three-o-clock, he turned off his computer
and TV, picked up his briefcase, and left the office. “I’m going to
be gone for the rest of the day. Send all of my calls to
voicemail,” he said to his secretary.
It was raining hard on his drive home and
visibility was low. He did see kids walking home from school in
raincoats and huddled under umbrellas. He made a special effort to
go full speed through every muddle puddle next to them that he
could.
While he was focusing on drenching the last
group of kids with his car, he missed the stop sign and barreled
right through. A delivery truck was passing through at the same
time, and it hit his car straight on the driver’s side door. The
bumper crashed through the side window and directly hit Mr.
Harvey’s head.
He awoke the next day in a hospital room. “Ah,
Mr. Harvey, it’s good to see you up,” said the doctor when he
walked into the room. “I’ve got some good news and bad news for
you.”
“What happened?” the CEO asked.
“You were in a car crash,” the doctor replied.
“Your injuries were too extensive, and we weren’t able to save
you.”
He looked at the doctor, perplexed.
The doctor continued. “But we were able to
reanimate you. You’ll have a few special accommodations you’ll need
to make in your daily life, but eventually you’ll get used to them
and be able to go about your business as you used to.”
“You mean I’m a zombie?” Mr. Harvey asked. The
doctor nodded.
While recovering, the businessman had time to
reflect on his life. He was sad that he was technically dead, but
grateful that he was given a second chance.
While in the hospital, he saw Mrs. Edson and her
son. He stopped her in the hallway. “When you have all your affairs
in order,” he said, “your job is still available and waiting for
your return. Take as long as you need.”
Tearfully, she thanked him.
Finally, the doctor released him from the
hospital. He went back into his office the next day. “Thank you for
taking care of the office while I was away,” he told his secretary.
“You’ve done such a great job. Take the rest of the day off, with
pay.”
“Thank you Mr. Harvey,” she said, and prepared
to leave after filling him in with the current state of affairs in
the business.
“By the way,” he caught her before she walked
out the door. “I’m going to make changes to the dress code.” She
looked worried. “Slacks are now okay.”
She nodded her thanks and left to enjoy the rest
of the day with her family.
After all of the employees got over the shock of
their CEO’s change in attitude, they nominated him for CEO of the
year, and he won. He made great strides in getting zombies accepted
in the workplace, showing that a zombie could be an effective CEO
of a major company, even better than his living counterpart.
****
Marathon
“Get a load
of that guy,” one of the weightlifters said.
Another set down his weights with a clang.
“What’s he doing here?”
“I can’t believe they let him in the pool,” said
the girl who was on a muscleman’s arm.
“That’s disgusting,” said the first man.
As they were talking about him, the zombie in a
tank top and track shorts ran past the weight room next to the
track. He saw them looking, smiled, and gave a friendly wave.
The girl shuddered and said, “Don’t zombies
breed disease? Will we get infected using the same showers as
him?”
“Well you won’t, you’ll be in different
showers.”
“It’s the same water, duh,” she said.
A middle aged woman was walking through the
weight room from her yoga class and said, “I think it’s a brave
thing that zombie is doing. He’s training for a marathon.”
“No way,” said a runner who had just stopped to
rest from jogging around the track. “That’s what he’s been doing?
How in the world does he think he could win?”
“He seems to be in pretty good shape. You know,
for being dead and all,” said the yoga lady.
Over the next few months, everyone in the gym
was talking about the zombie. When the day of the marathon finally
arrived, it was the biggest turnout that the organizers had ever
seen.
The participants lined up at the starting line,
giving the zombie a big berth. The starting gun was fired, and the
runners took off. Since they gave the zombie so much room, he had
the space to gain on the other runners.
Before long, he was in second place. He ran
faster, careful not to break a leg or strain something that
wouldn’t heal. When the first place runner got tired, he started to
slow down. The zombie didn’t get tired, and that gave him the
chance to pull ahead.
Everyone was surprised when the zombie ran
through the ribbon at the finish line. They raised him on their
shoulders and cheered for him and carried him to the first place
stand.
****
Classics
The
Little Zombie
In the kingdom of the zombies, the king and
queen had five daughters. The princesses were forced to stay inside
the boundaries of the kingdom until their 15th birthdays when they
could travel to distant lands.
