Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (24 page)
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The Tortoise and the Hare
“Zombies are better!” the zombies
yelled.
“Zombies are just walking bones!” said the
humans.
“We’ll prove it,” said the zombies. “We
challenge you to a race. One human, randomly picked, against one
zombie, randomly picked.”
“You’ve got a deal,” said the humans, with their
fingers crossed behind their backs.
The zombies organized a lottery. Every zombie
that was interested put his name in. A week before the race, they
pulled a name out of the hat. Franklin Atherton, an elderly
shuffling zombie, was randomly picked to be their representative in
the race.
On the human side, they let people submit their
names. Out of all the names submitted, they picked the best
athlete, Keith Jacobs, to compete against the zombies.
On the day of the race, the humans and zombies
assembled at the starting line. The zombies brought signs and wore
t-shirts to root Franklin Atherton on. Keith Jacobs’ clothing was
covered with sponsorship logos.
The zombies brought handheld video cameras, the
humans brought news crews. Zombies stationed people along the
route, humans had blimps and planes and helicopters and high speed
cameras so they wouldn’t miss a second of the action.
The green flag was waved, and the racers were
off. Keith Jacobs started off at a sprint for the first two miles.
Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
Keith Jacobs stopped to film a commercial.
Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
Keith Jacobs stopped to sign autographs.
Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
Keith Jacobs wooed one of his female fans, and
they went off to spend a romantic time together. Franklin Atherton
shuffled on.
The media found out that Keith Jacobs was
married, and the televised the scandal. Franklin Atherton shuffled
on.
The woman that Keith Jacobs had been with sued
for sexual harassment. Franklin Atherton shuffled on.
Then, Keith Jacobs was informed by his agent
that Franklin Atherton was nearing the finish line. He ran to the
track as fast as he could, but he got there seconds after the
zombie crossed the finish line.
Shuffling, undead, and steady wins the race.
****
The Three Little Zombies
Three zombies were building their
houses next door to each other.
The first zombie ordered drywall and siding from
Home Depot and made himself a suburban ranch house. He hired
contractors to do all his building so he could sing and dance in
the sun all day.
The second zombie cut down trees from the nearby
forest and made himself a log cabin. He stacked and mudded the logs
so his house was done in no time, so he could sing and dance in the
sun all day.
The third zombie got limestone from the local
quarry and made himself a stone house. It was hard, heavy work.
While the other two zombies were singing and dancing in the sun, he
was still stacking the limestone bricks. Finally his house was done
when winter came, so he could keep warm by the fire.
Then the zombie hunters came. They went to the
first zombie’s ranch house and said, “Come out, come out you evil
brain eating zombie. Or else we’ll get our gas, and we’ll get our
torches, and we’ll burn your house down.”
“Not by brains in my noggy nogg noggin,” the
zombie called out.
So the zombie hunters got their gas, and they
got their torches, and they burned the first zombie’s house down.
But the zombie got out in time and ran to the second zombie’s
house.
Then the zombie hunters were outside the second
zombie’s log cabin. “Come out, come out, you evil brain eating
zombies. Or else we’ll get our gas and we’ll get our torches, and
we’ll burn your house down.”
“Not by the brains in my noggy nogg noggin,” the
zombies called out.
So the zombie hunters got their gas, and they
got their torches, and they burned the log house down. But the
zombies got out and ran to the third zombie’s house.
Finally, the zombie hunters stood outside the
third zombie’s limestone house and said, “Come out, come out, you
evil brain eating zombies. Or else we’ll get our gas, and we’ll get
our torches, and we’ll burn your house down.”
“Not by the brains in my noggy nogg noggin,” the
zombies called out.
So the zombie hunters got their gas, and they
got their torches, and they tried as hard as they could, but they
couldn’t burn the limestone house down.
They dressed up as a religious group and knocked
on the limestone house’s door. But the zombies just yelled, “We’re
zombies, we aren’t worried about the afterlife,” and wouldn’t open
the door.
Then zombie hunters disguised themselves as Avon
ladies and knocked on the limestone house’s door. “Avon calling!”
they called out, but the zombies said, “We’re zombies, we don’t
wear makeup,” and wouldn’t open the door.
Finally the zombie hunters dressed up as funeral
plot salesmen and knocked on the limestone house’s door. The
zombies looked through the window and said, “We’re zombies, we
don’t need gravestones,” and wouldn’t open the door.
But the zombie hunters wouldn’t give up there.
They climbed on top of the roof and tried to climb down the
chimney. But the zombies lit a fire in the fireplace, and the
zombie hunters couldn’t get in.
While the zombie hunters were trying to get in
the house, the zombies called the police. As the hunters were
climbing down from the roof, the police pulled up and arrested them
for disturbing the zombies.
The zombies filed a restraining order against
the zombie hunters, and they lived happily ever after.
****
Sleeping Beauty
Justin and Hailey Bowlin wanted nothing more
in the world than to have a child.
They tried everything. Hailey had her biological
schedule down to the minute and it seemed that their life was
dictated by what her body demanded, but they were unsuccessful.
They went to a fertility expert and had every test done, yet every
attempt to conceive was met with failure.
When they tried to adopt, they kept getting
caught up in red tape. Documents were lost and misfiled, and they
were rejected for reasons unknown.
Finally, on a cold October’s night, they went to
see a psychic. Although they were skeptical, if someone could give
them any hope, they would take it.
“You chose the perfect time of year to consult
the oracle,” said Lady Mariani when Justin called to make an
appointment. “Come tonight at 11:30, which is just before the
spirits are the most active.”
In their anxiety, they arrived at Lady Mariani’s
small house in an old part of town at a quarter after eleven. She
got them settled in soft chairs in a warm smoky room, seated around
a low round table. They made small talk as the clock crept closer
to midnight.
At five minutes till, Lady Mariani said, “Now we
must get down to business. Am I correct in assuming that you are
here to find out when you may have a child?”
“Yes, we are,” said Hailey, surprised.
“Let us all join hands and meditate. Keep that
question at the forefront of your mind.”
Justin and Hailey were already holding hands, so
they took them out of Hailey’s lap and set their clasped hands on
the table. Lady Mariani reached across the table for their free
hands, then they all lapsed into silence.
Lady Mariani began to hum, then sing a wordless
song. Justin and Hailey instinctively closed their eyes. When she
went back to humming, they opened their eyes, but realized that the
humming wasn’t coming from her.
Finally she opened her eyes and let go of their
hands, and the humming stopped. “I was successful at speaking to
the oracle. Almost too successful.”
“So, what did, uh, it?, say?” asked Hailey.
“First, that you are trying too hard. Stop the
fertility treatments and marking calendars. Release the worry and
let joy into your hearts.” They nodded.
“But there is one thing you must do. At midnight
on All Hallows Eve,” Justin rolled his eyes, but she continued,
“you must drink a concoction of lemon balm, rose water, mugwort,
and ground seashells, mixed in a halved watermelon with holed
stones, and warmed over smoldering sandlewood.”
Hailey and Justin’s shoulders sank, but she
said, “No wait, don’t get discouraged.” She reached into a basket
and pulled out a business card. “Go to Gwendolyn Welty, she is an
expert alchemist, and she will make this for you.”
Justin sighed and said, “And how much will that
cost?”
“You’ve already paid for it,” she said, “when
you paid my fee this evening. It is included in my services.”
“Oh,” he said. “Thank you.”
The psychic looked ready to say something else,
but stopped. “Is that everything you found out?” asked Hailey.
“It’s enough for now,” said the Lady
Mariani.
They followed her directions and arrived at
Gwendolyn Welty’s house on the evening of Halloween. They weren’t
the only people there. As they conversed with the room, they found
out that everyone had potions that they needed on the night of
Halloween.
“Good evening everyone,” said an older lady in a
large sweater. “I’m Gwenie. This is my busiest night of the year,
so I’ll do what I can to make everything go smoothly. Just stay
where you are and I’ll come around.”
When she got to Justin and Hailey, after
greeting them, she said, “Are you sure you still want to do
this?”
Hailey said, “What do you mean?”
“Lady Mariani didn’t tell you?” They shook their
heads. “This will in fact help you conceive. But the fates have
foretold that your daughter--”
“We’re going to have a girl?!” interrupted
Hailey. She beamed at her husband.
Gwenie put her hand on her shoulder. “Yes, but
you will lose her 16 months after her 16th birthday.” They looked
at her in disbelief. “I’m sorry. I’ll give you a few extra minutes
to think about it. You might try back next year, it might be a
better time for you.”
“Will it work next year?”
“I don’t know.” Gwenie walked on to meet with
the next person.
Justin said, “I don’t believe her. We probably
don’t even need this stupid potion. The best advice that kook
probably gave us was to stop stressing about it.”
“You’re right. And what’s with the ‘16 months
after her 16th birthday’ thing? Why didn’t she just say 4 months
after her 17th birthday? But we’re here, what harm will it do to go
ahead and drink whatever it is she gives us? I don’t think she’d
poison us.”
“Okay honey, if that’s what you want.”
Nine months later, the Bowlins had a beautiful
baby girl. Justin was a successful lawyer and on the city council,
and one of his constituents put some stocks in a trust for baby
Julia to have when she graduated. Hailey was a day care teacher,
and the mother of one of her students took some pictures of the
baby and submitted them to a cutest baby contest that baby Julia
won. Their next door neighbor was a piano teacher and promised to
give Julia free lessons.
Julia grew up to be a bright, beautiful girl. By
the time she turned 16, she was the daughter of the mayor, at the
top of her class, and had even modeled for some local business’
ads. The stocks in the trust had matured so well that they were
able to take out money to buy her a brand new car, yet there was
still plenty to put her through college.
But over the next year, things began to turn bad
for Julia. Her new boyfriend was addicted to drugs, and she was
getting sucked into the world of heroin as well. She didn’t even
celebrate her 17th birthday.
On the night of November 30th, she didn’t even
come home from being out with her boyfriend. Justin and Hailey
stayed up all night waiting for her to come home. As they lay awake
at 4 the next morning, Hailey said, “Oh my god Justin, do you know
what day it is?”
“Huh?”
“It’s sixteen months after Julia’s sixteenth
birthday.”
On cue, the telephone rang. “Mr. and Mrs.
Bowlin, I have bad news. Julia’s had an accident.” Their worst
fears had come true. Their daughter had overdosed on drugs and
fulfilled the prediction.
In their grief, the Bowlins closed up and sealed
their garage and sat in their running car together, holding hands
until the end.
When the town heard about the demise of their
beloved mayor, it set off a rash of suicides, which also made the
murder rates raise drastically. Soon, everyone in the town was
either deceased or had moved away, leaving the town deserted. It
was literally a ghost town.
Months later, a young man named Damien came upon
the town. He was running away from home. His parents didn’t
understand him and blamed him for things he didn’t do.
Curious about the town and its lack of
residents, he walked into the hospital through the emergency room
entrance, what should have been the busiest place in town. There,
on a stretcher, lay the prettiest young lady he had ever seen. She
was apparently dead, but even in death, he thought she was
gorgeous. Overcome by emotion, he leaned down and gave her a
kiss.
To his surprise, she opened her eyes. They fell
in love at first sight. With her encouragement, he went to another
body and touched it. The woman instantly sprang to life. Together,
they went from person to person, house to house, reviving everyone
they found. Soon, the city was back to life.
Justin and Hailey Bowin were so happy that their
daughter was back, that they didn’t care that the whole town were
now zombies. Damien moved in with them, and sixteen months after
Julia’s death day, they were married.
****
The Three Zombies
Once upon a time, three zombies lived in the
forest: Papa Zombie, Mama Zombie, and Baby Zombie. It was a
beautiful spring day, so they decided to go on a walk in the
woods.
