Brains for the Zombie Soul (a parody) (22 page)

The four oldest princesses brought back gifts
and stories from the other kingdoms they visited. While waiting her
turn, the youngest princess, Erica, became obsessed with everything
from the outside world. Along with the trinkets and spices she
received from her sisters, she also got souvenirs from travelers
passing through their lands. She gathered together a whole
collection of kitsch and longed for the day she could travel.

In addition to her collection, her other hobby
was singing. Although all the sisters we beautiful singers, Erica
had the most beautiful voice in the land.

On her fifteenth birthday, a page took her to
the borders of the nearest kingdom. She gazed upon the beautiful
white towers of their castle and asked to go further.

“Not this time,” said the page. “The humans in
the distant lands are afraid of the undead. To go inside their
lands, you must be covered and masked, and you will need the
protection of our knights.”

While they were talking, a group of hunters had
gathered on their horses in the trees below. Erica watched in
wonder. One seemed to sit taller than the others on the most
beautiful horse, and the other men seemed to have great respect for
him. He had beautiful long dark hair and a handsome face.

“Who is that?” the princess asked. She had
fallen in love with the man at first sight.

“That is the prince,” explained the page.

“When a knight is with me and I am in disguise,
can I go meet him?”

“Probably not,” the page admitted. “He lives in
the castle and is very important. If they found out that you were a
zombie that close to the prince, they would kill you
immediately.”

It was with great sadness when the time came to
ride back to their own castle. Later that night, the princess asked
her mother about the humans that she saw.

“Humans are very fragile,” the queen explained.
“They can easily be killed. But they also heal from their wounds,
and their skin is bright and full of life.”

“Why don’t they like us?”

“They don’t know us and they are scared. Humans
are afraid of things they don’t understand how to kill. But
sometimes, they come over to us. Many of our knights were humans at
one point.”

The princess’s eyes lit up. “If humans can be
zombies, then can zombies be humans?”

“I’m sorry,” the queen shook her head. “It
doesn’t work that way.”

That night, the princess couldn’t sleep. All she
could think about was the prince and becoming a human. The next day
she asked to go into the neighboring kingdom in disguise, but
sensing her over-excitement, the king refused to let her go.

Instead, she went to the voodoo priestess and
told her of her dilemma. The priestess said that she could turn the
princess into a human, but only under certain conditions. First,
she must give up her greatest asset, her beautiful voice. Also, she
must remember that she will get all the qualities of a human, which
means she could easily be killed, by sword or disease. And finally,
if the prince marries another woman, the princess in her human form
will surely die of heartbreak the next morning.

After considering all of this, the princess
still agreed. The voodoo priestess traveled with her to the borders
of the two kingdoms. There, she has the princess sing her final
beautiful song, and she captures the voice in a crystal vial mixed
with a red liquid. As the vapor from the princesses lips mixes in
the vial, all of Erica’s wounds heal, life comes to her skin, and
she becomes fully human. The voodoo priestess gives her a beautiful
gown, and Erica walks into the other kingdom.

Meanwhile, the prince was riding alone through
the forest to visit the temple. A pack of wolves surrounded him and
cornered his horse. His horse bucked and threw him off its back,
and the prince’s head hit the trunk of the tree behind him,
knocking him out cold. Erica saw this and ran down to scare the
wolves away. A girl who had also visited the temple ran down at the
same time and tried to wake the prince. He regained consciousness
temporarily, enough to see the girl’s face. A wolf broke away from
the pack that the zombie princess scared away and chased the girl
from the temple away.

The prince is soon awakened by his horse.
Although his head hurts, he seems to be well. He found the zombie
princess on the ground nearby, and she is hurt by bites from the
wolves. He takes pity on her injuries and lack of voice, admires
her beauty, and takes her back to his castle.

When they get back to the castle, the kind king
and queen have her wounds cleaned and let her stay in a guest room.
She promptly catches a cold, and then the flu, and was not able to
explore the kingdom for the first few weeks after she arrived.
During this time, while she was in bed, the prince attended to her
every need and they became best friends.

Once she was finally well enough to venture out,
the prince took her on a tour across his lands. As they rode, he
told her about his upcoming marriage to another princess from a
kingdom to the north. “But I don’t want to marry her,” he said. “I
don’t love her. I only want to marry the girl who saved me from the
wolves.”

As much as she tried, Erica could not convey to
him that she is the one who saved him. Every coming day, she
attempted to explain it to him through pictures and gestures, but
he always misinterpreted her messages.

Finally, the wedding day came, and the bride
lifted her veil to reveal the girl from the temple. Upon
recognizing her, the prince had no objection to marrying her.

While she lay in bed that night, Erica thought
about the prince and his new bride in his chamber, and her heart
broke. The life slowly drained from her during the night, and she
would have been dead by morning.

While the zombie princess had been gone from her
kingdom, there was great unrest in the neighboring countries. The
king from the north was unkind, and he wanted to take over all the
other kingdoms. His plan was to have his daughter marry the prince
then kill him on their wedding night.

The zombie king learned of the plot while
searching for his missing daughter and sent his knights out to
intercept the vindictive princess. As Erica slowly passed away in
her chamber, she was awoken by commotion in the castle. “Zombies!”
someone cried.

The princess ran out of her room and was found
by the very page that had escorted her on her birthday. The page
told her of the plot to kill the prince, and she ran to his
chamber.

Unfortunately, she was too late, the knife was
plunged into his chest as soon as she opened the door. When the
voodoo priestess entered the room, she found the princess sobbing
over her forbidden love. The priestess makes them both into
zombies.

Now that his son is a zombie, the human king
makes amends with the zombie king, and their two kingdoms form an
alliance. Zombies and humans alike are welcome all across the two
lands.

The prince and Erica marry. One day, while
riding through the forest, they came upon the spot in the forest
where the prince was attacked by the wolves. Reliving the day, he
realizes that it was Princess Erica who had rescued him, and the
one he had loved all along.

(back to
TOC)

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Fairy Zombie

Once
upon a time, there was a zombie who wanted to become a fairy. From
her first day at fairy school, all the other fairies made fun of
her.

“You can’t be fairy,” they said. “You’re too
ugly.”

The budding zombie fairy persevered. She studied
hard, and at the end of her first year, she was at the top of her
class.

Before the second year started, her guidance
counselor said, “Are you sure you want to be a fairy? Trolls serve
mankind nobly as well.”

“I’m at the top of my class,” said the zombie.
“I’ve always wanted to be a fairy.”

“You see,” said the counselor, “what concerns me
is that many people are afraid of zombies and won’t think you are
there to help.”

“That’s exactly why I want to be a fairy,” she
said. “I want to show people that we aren’t scary. I want to help
people.”

The guidance counselor let her take her second
year of fairy school, and again she finished at the top of her
class.

But the counselor was right. When the zombie
started her fairy internship, she struggled because so many people
were afraid of her.

First she tried being a fairy godmother, but her
subjects just ran away.

Perhaps I can be a fairy gnome, she thought. But
people wouldn’t let her into their yards.

Finally, she attempted life as a fairy princess,
but she was too ugly to get any prince to look at her.

Then one day an army of evil witches came to the
town. They captured all the fairies and imprisoned them. But the
zombie put on a pointed hat and grabbed a broom, and they thought
she was a witch too.

She led the witches to a large mountain and
threw them a party. With the magic she learned from fairy school,
she made music and a grand banquet.

The witches were having so much fun, they didn’t
realize that the zombie fairy had sneaked out and sealed all the
exits. They were trapped in the mountain forever.

She went back into town and set all the fairies
and townsfolk free. Everyone wanted her to be their fairy
godmother, and every prince asked for her hand in marriage.

She refused. Instead, she became a teacher at
the fairy school. Since she did such a good job, soon she got
promoted to the headmistress.

She loved her job, especially the part where she
could encourage anyone, living or undead, that if they worked hard
they could be anything they wanted to be.

(back to
TOC)

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The Two Princes

In the kingdom of Stickney, there lived two
princes. They were the twin boys of the king and queen, but one had
been turned into a zombie many years before.

The living prince, Bernard, asked his mother,
“Can I go into the woods and play?”

“Yes,” she said, “but be careful and come home
before dark.”

A short time later, Leonard, the zombie prince,
asked his mother, “Can I go into the woods and play?”

“Yes,” she said, “but be careful and come home
before dark.”

Bernard played his trumpet as he skipped down
the path. He happened upon a woman lying in the grass on a blanket
with a towel draped over her eyes. “Do you like my music?” he asked
her.

“I’m sure it’s lovely,” she said, “but I have a
headache and it hurts my ears. Can you wait until you get farther
down the path to play?”

Bernard responded, “But this is my favorite
song!” Then he played louder. She covered her ears, and finally he
continued down the path.

Leonard was singing as he walked down the path.
Soon, he also approached the lady lying in the grass. “Hello,” he
said.

She screamed and sat up, ready to run away from
the zombie.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I won’t hurt you. I’m
just going on a walk through the woods singing my song.”

“If you don’t mind, would you wait until you get
down the path to continue your song? I’m sure it’s lovely, but I
have a headache and it hurts my ears.”

“Okay,” he whispered, and tiptoed away while she
lay back down.

Bernard was running through the woods when he
knocked over a painter’s easel and canvas. “What are you doing?” he
asked as the painter picked the canvas up.

“I’m painting,” he said. “Would you please go
around so as not to block the scene?”

Bernard stood in front of the painter and looked
through the gap in the trees. “Ooh, it’s so pretty!” he said. Then
he looked over the top of the painting. “Is that supposed to be
this?” he asked.

“Yes,” said the man grumpily. “Now move so I can
finish it.”

“What’s that?” said the prince, pointing to a
shape on the canvas.

“It’s trees,” said the man.

“It doesn’t look like trees.”

The painter yelled, “If you don’t like it, then
paint your own painting!”

Bernard huffed and walked away.

Soon Leonard happened upon the painter. He was
looking out at the view and accidentally bumped into him. “Oh, I’m
so sorry,” he said.

“Zombie!” the painter yelled, picking up the
easel to use as a weapon.

“It’s okay,” said the prince. “I just want to
see what you’re painting.”

“Please do not block the scene,” the painter
grumbled when he realized he was in no danger.

Leonard went around behind the painter and
looked at the painting. “It’s beautiful,” he said.

“Thank you,” said the painter, his mood
improving a bit.

“It really captures the serenity of the
landscape,” said the prince.

“I really appreciate that,” the man replied,
then went back to his painting. Leonard watching him silently,
behind him and out of the way, before continuing on his way.

Bernard continued down the path, minding his own
business, when a voice said, “Hey, watch where you’re walking!” He
looked down to find a young man putting a large jigsaw puzzle
together in the middle of the road.

“What a terrible place to put a puzzle
together,” said Bernard, and kicked some pieces into the bushes as
he walked on.

Before long, Leonard approached the spot in the
road where the young man was working on the jigsaw puzzle. The man
saw him and started to run away.

“No, wait!” Leonard called. “Let me help you
with your puzzle.”

Cautiously, the young man came back. Together,
they finished the puzzle. It was a beautiful painting of the woods.
“I just saw a painting that looked a lot like this,” said the
prince.

“You mean the painter? He’s my uncle. He makes
me these puzzles.”

“How nice of him!” said the zombie.

While Leonard was finishing up the puzzle,
Bernard had stayed from the path and sneaked up behind a young lady
watching a butterfly. When he was right behind her, he said, “Boo!”
really loudly.