Breach: The Boxset (39 page)

“How long were you with them?”

“After seeing the healthy changes in me, the judge separated me from my family and put me in the custody of Teresa and Armando. My family was not to contact me at all; a restraining order was placed on them.”

I stared down at the floor, thinking about that time in my life, tears falling from my eyes, when I felt Nathan’s hands on me. His strong arms pulled me into his lap and wrapped around me, his head buried in my neck. His body shook, and I ran my hands through his hair in an attempt to soothe him back.

“I’m not much, but I’m all yours,” Nathan said, breaking the silence. “Everything that I am. I know I’ll fuck up, but I promise you will never feel unloved or unwanted ever again.”

“You can’t promise that. Not after what you’ve put me through all week.” I tried not to start bawling again, my bottom lip trembling.

His lips brushed against my neck. “Maybe not, but I will work damn hard to make it the truth.”

We stayed in our little bubble, connecting for the first time in days, and I almost felt…whole.

“I must say, Lila, I’m quite impressed by how much you just opened up. I’m also quite proud because that is something you’d only hinted at in our past sessions.” Darren’s words pulled our attention away from one another and put it back on him.

“We’re going to do a little experiment. I’m going to leave the room. Nathan, you’re going to kiss her and show her with your body how much you worship and adore her. And when she feels safe, you tell her something she doesn’t already know about you. Something about Grace, or the baby, or about your fears.” Darren turned to me. “After he’s done that, I want you think about how you feel. If it feels right, share something with him. If it doesn’t, then show him with your body how you feel about him, and don’t worry about your past for a few moments. He needs to know you love him.”

Nathan nodded. “I do need to know that, so much.” His tone was heartbreaking, and I felt on the verge of a yet another crying jag.

“And, Nathan, Lila needs your reassurance and your affections.”

He left the room, and I waited, unsure of how to proceed. Was it going to be awkward to kiss and hug under our therapist’s direction?

“Lila, I’ll say it again. I will do anything to have you trust me again.”

My breath stuck in my throat. He wasn’t doing what Darren asked. He wasn’t kissing me or hugging me. But it was what I needed to hear before I could allow him to touch me. What Darren didn’t know was Nathan could read me. He knew what I had to have to feel secure in him.

“I’m beyond sorry for making you feel even the slightest bit as if I didn’t want you this past week. It was never my intention. I got caught up inside my own head. I love you, so much. I want to make this all work, but I’m also so scared of what could happen to you by being with me. I don’t want it to rule my life’s decisions and feelings any longer. I want us together; I want us happy and healthy. No more masks, just Lila and Nathan.”

Darren may have been wrong about how he instructed Nathan, but he was absolutely right about me. I didn’t have the words, but my mouth needed to show him what he meant to me. So, I kissed him for all I was worth.

He responded, moaning into the kiss. The invisible wall we had put between us was gone for the moment.

No one seemed embarrassed when Darren returned, and he didn’t ask for details. “Feel better?”

Nathan smiled. “Much.”

“Emotionally we all feel like children at times. I have a little trick I do with families who come to me with kids. I tell the child when they feel sick inside or hurt to say a few simple words to their parents. Want to know what it is?”

“Yes.” I was sitting on the edge of my seat like he held the magic answer to my problems.

“I tell them to say to their parent, ‘I need lovey hugs’ and then their parent has to give it to them no questions asked. It’s a safe zone where they can get love before they figure out what the problem is. You can’t open up to each other if you’re scared. Trust has to be established first.” He smiled with a kindness that made me feel reverent and almost idolize Dr. Morgenson in that moment.

“You don’t have to use those particular words since they’re very simple and childlike, but maybe you could find your own keywords together, to let the other person know it’s important they drop what they’re doing and give you some physical affection. But afterward, like with sex, you have to share something about why you needed it. Otherwise the person who gave it will feel rejected. Make sense?”

It seemed a steep price to pay, but I was willing to try it, so I agreed.

We ended the session by talking about what we needed to tackle on our next couple’s session. Nathan seemed calmed, relaxed. I felt a little torn; I wanted to believe we’d made progress, but anxious and worried this wouldn’t work.

But I was willing to try.

For him.

For
us
.

CHAPTER 11

W
hen we returned home that evening, it was with held hands and tiny caresses. We were reconnecting. It seemed as if the pieces of our puzzle were locking into place. Each day, each session, was a struggle, but one we came out of a little bit stronger and closer.

After our talk with Dr. Morgenson, things improved between us. Nathan’s affections retuned and he was talking to me, and in doing so I began to talk to him. Deep conversations, the façades stripped away, leaving us exposed.

Dr. Morgenson was right; Nathan opening up caused me to open up naturally. It was painful, exposing the deepest parts of our fears and past heartaches, but at the end of the conversations we both agreed we felt a bit lighter, even though Nathan was feeling hostile toward my former family.

I told Nathan more about my father and Cheryl and how, all the way up until I was taken from their custody, I had hoped, a foolish hope, that somewhere inside his darkened soul, my father did love me. It’s the want of any child, to be loved by their parents. I always told myself he was my father, and there had to be some part of him that cared about me.

That went out the window on the day the ruling came down and he tried to smack me, screaming hateful words and causing the bailiff to intervene.

I clutched onto Joan’s suit as she formed a wall between my father and I, while the bailiffs attempted to restrain him.

“You ungrateful little bitch! This is how you repay me for being a burden? Look at what you’ve done! I never wanted you! I wish you’d never been born!”

“Mr. Palmer, you will get a hold of yourself!” the judge yelled, but my dad continued to come at me, nothing but anger and contempt in his features.

“You are nothing. You hear me? Nothing! You will always be nothing, just like she was. No one will ever want you!”

“I want you,” Nathan’s soothing voice called to me. “Come back to me, baby.”

I blinked and took a moment to shake off the memory that had taken over. It felt so real; I was trembling and a little cold.

That was the last time I’d seen either of them. They were out of my life, but I wondered if I would ever be rid of them emotionally. At times it didn’t seem they’d ever go away forever.

I took a deep breath; it helped to clear my head. When I looked up, Dr. Morgenson gave me an affectionate smile. “I must say, I’m very pleased at the progress you’re making. Over the last few weeks you’ve opened up, told us about your family. You’re learning how to express your traumatic past in a positive manner. This would indicate a real healing step in the right direction to your long-term emotional well-being.”

Nathan leaned down to place a kiss on my forehead. “Good job, Honeybear.”

Darren smiled at us and then continued on, “You may have more memories triggered similar to what you just experienced after you’ve been through a heavy session like today. However, after seeing the way Nathan handled it a few moments ago – I’m confident you’ll be fine if it happens outside my office, or make-shift office as the case may be. This is a huge hurdle you’ve both jumped over. You’re obviously in very good, capable hands.”

What did that mean? If things hadn’t gone well in his presence I’d be hospitalized again or put on more medication? I held my breath for a second and looked at Nathan beside me.

He stroked across my back and shoulders, his eyes soft.

“It’s made Nathan angry though,” I said. “The more I tell him, the more things he destroys. Soon there won’t be any walls left in his condo. I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“Because if I ever see any of them again, they
will
be checking into the fucking hospital.” Nathan fumed, his hands leaving me and forming into fists, clenching at his sides.

I reached for his hand to soothe him, but he pulled away, jumping up from his position on the couch. His agitation vibrated from his whole being; it was almost a palpable force in the room.

Even though his anger was intimidating and almost frightening with the speed in which he moved from sympathetic to livid, it made me love him all the more, because it was all for me. He was angry
for
me. I’d never had anyone that passionate about protecting and keeping me happy and safe. Even Teresa wasn’t that intense about it, and she actually met and saw how awful my father treated me.

“No, Lila! You never did anything wrong! You were a child! It was his responsibility to take care of you. I can’t fucking stand that they did all that to you. Especially that sack of shit you once called a brother.”

“I think what Lila is saying is you need an outlet for your anger,” Dr. Morgenson said. “It’s not wrong to be upset about what happened and have harsh feelings toward her family, but I have to agree with her. It would do you good, so it doesn’t stay pent up and you end up lashing out in harmful ways.”

“If he does, then all the drywall manufacturers would be out of business.” I smiled and let out a little chuckle.

When I looked up, Darren and Nathan were staring at me. Darren blinked and Nathan tilted his head, while I became self-aware and embarrassed. I was receiving that extra head look again.

Their strange looks melted into smiles and both were having trouble holding back their laughter.

It was a good laugh, and I found myself joining in.

To add to all the therapy, we now had special assignments. Nathan was enrolled in boxing and mixed martial arts to have a positive outlet for his anger and was to go twice a week. Darren said he needed to learn how to channel his explosiveness.

My assignment was to find a hobby. He suggested I try the local arts institute that held classes for adults. I needed a focus besides work and Nathan. It also forced me to be social and meet new people. Though I wouldn’t be able to start for a couple weeks due to my limited mobility, I went online and signed up for the next round of painting.

I didn’t know if I’d be any good at it, but at that point I needed something else to focus on. Not to mention it was a positive way for me to become more…normal.

A week later we were lying in bed, and watching some crap movie Nathan had put on. Even he was complaining. He kept repeating “movie bad” over and over.

This was out new ritual since I was still pretty much bed bound. I was getting a lot better, my lungs were healed up, and my bruises had faded away. We would eat dinner, something his mom or Teresa left, so all Nathan needed to do was heat it up, and then retire to the bedroom. After dinner we would surf the On Demand from my cage…I mean bedroom…and pick out a movie or two.

I couldn’t wait to be free and mobile again, rid of my damn cast.

That night’s pick was by far the worst. Some alien invasion in L.A. I’d never seen so much drama in what looked like an action movie.

After a while I snapped, and couldn’t take anymore. “All right, that’s it. Give me the remote. I’m tired of Movie Bad.” I gave a little inward chuckle at the appropriate name I’d given it.

“There’s only thirty minutes left.” His eyes were still glued to the screen, watching the train wreck.

“Yes, and I’ve already lost over an hour of my life and countless brain cells. I’d like to keep from losing any more of either. I never got that lobotomy, remember? I want to keep my brain intact.” I switched to demanding, holding my hand out. “Remote.”

He smirked and held it out. I reached to grab it, but he pulled it away.

“Nathan.”

“Delilah.” He rolled his eyes and moved the remote in my direction. When my fingers touched the plastic, he pulled it from me again.

“Really?” I said with a huff.

He gave me his best sexy smirk. I figured out I was going to need a distraction to get what I wanted.

My eyes flickered to the TV and grew wide. “Oh, my God, what is that thing doing to her?”

It was enough. Nathans’s eyes snapped back to the screen to see whatever it was I seemed so curious about.

“Ah ha! Mine!” I cried out in victory as I snatched the remote from beside him.

“No! I need to know what happens!” He whined, his attention turned back to me.

“I need my brain cells! Thinking good. Movie bad. Remote mine,” I said like a cavewoman, and stuck my tongue out at him.

He lunged for the remote, landing across my body as I stretched it as far away as I could.

“Give me!”

“Never!”

We were laughing like maniacs as we played our game of keep away. He cheated and began tickling my sides. I was writhing beneath him, doing my best to get away from his fingers, as well as keep the remote from his grasp.

Our eyes locked, and our laughter died down. With the position we were in, him nestled between my thighs, the sparks between us ignited. All at once his lips crashed to mine, his tongue seeking, lapping at my lips, begging for entrance that I readily gave. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, pulling him closer.

It was frantic and needy, composed of almost two months of repressed desire. His hands slid down to my ass, grabbing hard. He pulled my hips to his while he pushed his hard cock against my clit. I moaned against his mouth, my hands tangling in his hair, nails scratching at his neck. His lips moved down my jaw, kissing and nipping until he reached my neck. Teeth scraped against my skin, and I rocked my hips against his. He growled in appreciation before his teeth dug into the flesh of my neck, sending a fire roaring straight between my thighs.

My back arched off the bed and a loud, throaty moan escaped my lips. He was driving me wild, and I was in desperate need of him.

My moan had unfortunate consequences, cutting through the lust fog of Nathan’s brain and all movement stopped.

He released me and jumped off the bed, pacing as he pulled at his neck. Never a good sign.

“Shit, shit, fuck! I’m sorry. I…I said I wouldn’t until you said yes. I just got caught up in the moment.”

My voice was soft as I reassured him. “It’s okay.”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not.”

“Yes, it is.”

“I’m sorry, I…I need a moment,” he said, heading to the bedroom door. “I’ll be on the balcony. Yell if you need something.” He gave me a reassuring smile. “I’ve been bad, I need a time out.”

He headed out the door, and an ache in my chest began to grow. I tried to wave it off since I knew he was still in my condo and close by. He hadn’t headed back to his place where he could smash his fist through walls again. Progress, it seemed, was finally happening.

My attention moved back to the TV, and I grabbed the remote, moving away from movie bad. I flipped through channels for about a half hour when he returned.

He smelled of cigarettes as he climbed onto the bed. It’d been a while since he’d smoked, but I knew he did it when stressed and upset. The smell had me craving for one.

Strange how different our lives were from a few months ago. It was Friday night, and usually we were at the bar, drinking, smoking, and trying to forget everything that was wrong with us, taking comfort in each other’s bodies.

We didn’t talk about what happened; we were both there, we knew.

We didn’t touch the rest of the night; though I did see his fingers twitch toward me more than once.

Nathan’s normal casual caresses and kisses had died down a bit in the days to follow, but picked up once he felt he was safe, in control of himself again.