Break Away (19 page)

My stomach remained in knots during my shift at the aquarium and I felt… unsettled. Every time I remembered the pain I saw on Dex’s face, I wanted to throw up.

I thought he’d be relieved with my decision to pretend it never happened. I’d let him off the hook. Dex was only interested in having a good time. If I let myself believe it could be more, he would only end up destroying me. Sure, he had seemed into it at the time, but he had also been drunk, and I’d been blatantly throwing myself at him. If I was going to salvage our friendship, I needed to play it off like it was no big deal… just sex. If I acted like a typical girl and got all attached and all “so what does this mean?”, then it would only chase him away. He would end up being yet another person that I lost.

I couldn’t handle losing Dex. I cared for him too much. I wanted him in my life. The feelings that were clouding my judgment were simply a result of the incredibly satisfying night we had, and I couldn’t let that get in the way. Dex must have felt that on some level too, because—let’s not forget—he turned me down! Dex, who had sex with any woman with a pulse, turned me down when I told him I wanted him inside me. The reminder made my cheeks redden with embarrassment. Forgetting the whole night was definitely the right decision.

So then why did Dex seem upset? He acted like he was genuinely hurt when I told him it was a mistake, but it wasn’t as though he tried to correct me.

“
You have me, don’t worry… I’m going to take good care of you, sweet Liv.”

His words from last night echoed in my head, making me question everything. Was it possible that Dex had real feelings for me? What would that even mean?

I couldn’t get into a new relationship. I needed to gain my independence. Not to mention that I still practically had a tan line from my engagement ring! I had
just
gotten out of a long-term relationship with a man that I’d planned to marry. I couldn’t consider starting another one so soon. What kind of person would that make me? It’s not like I had feelings left for Steven—the guy was a cheating pig—but I wasn’t someone who jumped from one relationship to the next.

One thing I did know was that I wasn’t ready to put myself out there and risk getting hurt, and as amazing as Dex was, he had “heartbreak” written all over him. I couldn’t handle that kind of pain. He had an endless supply of willing woman everywhere he went. How—and why—would he ever settle for just one? Dex didn’t do relationships, and I didn’t do random hookups. It was that simple.

“
You have me.”

I shook his words from my head. They only confused me more. It didn’t help that the entire night kept replaying in my mind, over and over again. The words he’d whispered and the way he’d touched me… it got me so worked up that I had to step into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face to calm myself down. Somehow, I’d managed to have the best sex of my entire life without even
having
sex.

I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to look at him without thinking about last night and wanting him that way again. Part of me would always be wishing that we could be more. I knew I couldn’t handle losing Dex’s friendship, but could I handle
not
being with him?

My mind was running in circles. These were the times that I wished that my mother were still alive. She had always known the right thing to say to help me through my internal struggles. I missed having her to talk to. I missed having someone who would be there for me, and love me, no matter what. Through all my mistakes, and doubts, and fears. Through everything. There were times when I felt that I didn’t have anyone, and I hated feeling so alone.

All the more reason to keep my friendships intact, I thought with a sigh, firming my resolve.

I’d crossed a line with Dex that I never intended to cross, and I needed to find a way back. I only hoped that our friendship wasn’t beyond repair.

I stared at the crumbling plaster around the fist-size hole I’d punched in the wall after Olivia left. It was fitting, considering I felt like my entire life was crumbling around the edges, leaving a gaping hole that I couldn’t seem to fill.

It had been a while since I took my anger out with this kind of destruction, but then again, I’d never experienced rejection like this before. It was an entirely new feeling for me, this combination of anger, hurt and confusion. I didn’t know how to deal with it.

I threw on my gym shorts and sneakers, and went out to the beach for a run. Dealing with my emotions the only way that I knew how. Six miles later, my anger had taken a backseat but I was still as confused as ever.

I thought that Olivia and I were finally on the right track, finally where we were supposed to be. But now we were even farther away than before. If anything, it was like we’d gone backwards. One step forward and two steps back. It was a discouraging pattern that I didn’t know how to break.

Since running and destroying things didn’t seem to help, I decided that I needed a distraction. There was nothing like working on a car engine to occupy the mind, so I went into work early, beating everyone there, even Nate.

I was elbow-deep in the engine of old Dodge Charger when Nate came into the garage, whistling cheerfully and holding a cup of coffee.

“Getting an early start?” he asked.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“Considering the way you and Olivia were dancing last night and then ran off on us, I’m not surprised you didn’t sleep! Did you two finally hook up?”

I didn’t bother lying about it, and he took my silence as confirmation.

“No shit, really?” he said, surprised. “It’s about time. Good for you, bro.”

I rolled out from under the car and sat up, grabbing a rag to wipe my hands off. “Don’t get too excited. It was a mistake, according to Olivia. She wants to pretend it never happened.”

“What about you? Did you think it was a mistake?”

“I didn’t before, but now I don’t know what the fuck to think,” I shrugged. “I thought she was on the same page as me. Clearly, I was wrong.”

“She’s probably confused about the whole thing. I mean, she just got out of a relationship and totally uprooted her life. Maybe she’s scared to make another big change. It’s obvious that she has feelings for you though—anyone with eyes could see that. It’s a matter of getting her to admit it… which won’t be easy because she’s determined to be on her own.”

I considered what he was saying, and, surprisingly, he actually made a lot of sense. “When did you get so damn smart?”

“Some of that may have come from Amy,” he grinned. “We’ve spent some time discussing your situation.”

“Figures,” I chuckled. My sister was notorious for sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. She did have pretty good advice, though. I’d give her that.

“So the real question is how you feel about
her
… are you ready to give up all the casual sex and random woman, and be there for Olivia the way she would need you to be? Cause, if you can’t do that, then the rest of this shit doesn’t matter.”

I hadn’t thought about any other women in a long time, but that wasn’t the part that I was worried about. The problem was whether or not I could get past my own problems and be the kind of man she needed.

“Olivia’s different from anyone I’ve ever met. She makes me want to be different… better,” I answered truthfully. “No one compares to her. I know that she deserves better than me, but the idea of her being with anyone else rips me apart. I would do anything for her.”

“Well… there ya go. I guess you are ready.”

“How do I get her to admit that she has feelings for me?”

“Give it time. She’ll come around.”

Sitting around and waiting was not my style. I was a man of action, making things happen. I’d been waiting my whole life for someone like Olivia. I couldn’t just sit around and do nothing while she slipped through my fingers.

“What if you’re wrong and she doesn’t have feelings for me?” I asked.

“That’s a risk you’re going to have to take. Is it worth the risk?”

Without a doubt.

***

It was busy at the bar that night. I went straight from waitressing the dinner shift to bartending for the remainder of the night. It was crowded for a weekday, but apparently that was the norm now that we had entered the hectic summer months. Despite my exhaustion, I was glad to be occupied. It was a welcome distraction from the thoughts that had been eating away at me all day.

I hadn’t heard anything from Dex since I left that morning, which wasn’t surprising considering how we’d left things. Still, I found myself missing the random, goofy messages he usually sent me. No matter how bad my day was, I could always count on him to put a smile on my face.

As my mind drifted back to more sexy images from last night, I looked up to see Dex walk into the bar, looking like my every fantasy come to life. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks, as if my naughty thoughts were written all over my face.

He greeted a few people before nonchalantly strolling over to the bar, wearing a big smile and appearing as though he didn’t have a care in the world.

“Hey, Liv. What’s up?” he said, plopping down on a stool in front of me.

“I’m good… um, how are you?” I stammered, totally thrown off by how casual he was acting.

“Can’t complain.”

We talked briefly, completely avoiding the elephant in the room and the fact that his head had been between my legs less than twenty-four hours ago. I was desperately trying to appear as normal as possible despite the butterflies in my stomach and the tension that was radiating throughout my body. Everything about it felt off. Our conversation was forced, and Dex was far more standoffish than usual. There were no flirtatious comments, coy smiles, or excuses to touch me… and I missed it. I didn’t like it this way. Maybe what had happened between us was too significant to pretend that it hadn’t happened. Maybe we needed to talk about it if we were ever going to get past it.

Before I had a chance to say something to Dex, I got called over by a group on the other side of the bar. After making what seemed like a dozen drinks, I returned to find a busty brunette perched on the stool beside him. The dress she was wearing left little to the imagination, and she was leaning as close to him as possible, arching her chest out and practically shoving her boobs in his face.

I glared at her while I walked over to where they were sitting, annoyed that I couldn’t step away for five minutes without the slut parade swooping in for him. I mistakenly assumed that Dex would send her packing when I came back, because that’s what he normally did. I hated the fact that it hurt me so badly when he didn’t.

“Brandy, this is Olivia,” he introduced me. “She’s a good
friend
of mine… right, Liv?”

He looked at me purposefully as he emphasized the word “friend,” as if daring me to correct him.

“Yup, that’s right,” I snapped, wondering what kind of game he was playing. I didn’t know if he was trying to prove a point or if he had just regressed back to his asshole self. The insecure part of me wondered if all I’d ever been to him was some kind of challenge.

Brandy and I continued to exchange bitchy looks until she finally excused herself to go use the restroom. Dex continued to sit there, cool as a cucumber, pretending as though nothing out of the ordinary was happening. Which only irritated me more.