Breaking Hammer (Motorcycle Club Romance) (Inferno Motorcycle Club Book 3) (29 page)

“Do you want to come back?” I asked, my heart racing.
 I thought she was loving being in Puerto Rico.  My biggest fear was that she wouldn’t want to come home.

“Yeah,” she said.
 “I mean, when school starts again, you know?”

“Okay,” I said, barely able to contain the feeling of joy at her desire to come home.
 “I promise we’ll think about getting a horse.”

“Do you mean it?”
 She squealed with delight, a sound I hadn’t heard in a long time.

“Are you going to take care of a horse?”

“Dad, I promise,” she said, her voice suddenly solemn.  “You aren’t going to go back on your word, right?”

“I won’t go back on my word,” I said.
 On the horse issue or any of my promises.  Like finding out where Ben was.  Even as the thought went through my head, I felt a wave of nausea at the idea of someone taking my child from me.  Or harming her the way Meia was hurt.  “And Mac-”

“What’s up, dad?”

“I’m really, really happy you want to come home.”

“Well, like, I couldn’t stay here forever, dad.”
 She said it as if it was the most self-evident thing in the world.

“I thought you wanted to stay with grandma permanently,” I said.
 

“I mean, Puerto Rico is really fun and everything,” she said.
 “But you’re my dad.”

“Are you just saying that to get a horse?”
 I asked, my voice teasing.  Shit, I didn’t care even if she was.  It was enough to hear that she wanted to come home.

“Dad.”
 She sighed loudly.  She was quiet for a minute, and I almost thought she’d hung up.  Then she finally spoke.  “I want to go see mom’s grave.”

"What made you bring up seeing mom's grave?"

"The counselor, the one I'm talking to," she said.  "We were talking about it."

“Okay,” I said.
 “We can do that.”  And I meant it.  For the first time, I felt ready to confront the past.

A WEEK LATER

"Holy fuck."  Skunk
stood inside the living room, staring at the wall.  "What the fuck is all this shit?  You've fucking lost it."

"I told you not to come here," I said through gritted teet
h.  The only reason I tolerated Skunk was because of our history.  We'd been friends for a long time, and yeah, he'd been checking on me when things were shitty.  I knew he thought all of this meant I'd finally gone over the edge.

What he didn't understand was that this was the most clarity I'd felt in a long time.
 I could see what I had to do.  I had purpose - one that didn't involve beating the shit out of someone.

"Seriously, Hammer," Skunk
said, walking along the wall, in the empty space where I'd moved the sofa to the other side of the room.  His fingers traced the length of the huge map that covered the expanse of the wall.  "If you tell me that all these pins and shit have to do with some kind of government conspiracy or something, I swear to God, I will fucking bring you to the looney bin right now."

"It's not," I said.
 "It's something private."  I hadn't told the club anything, despite what I'd told Meia about the club backing me.  Fuck, I didn't know if they would.  I was only just out of retirement; sure, there was some kind of tie to them, because I was a brother, but not the kind of tie that would bring them into some of my personal shit.  Especially when that personal shit involved a guy like Aston.

And my paranoia had started taking over.
 I guess I was jaded from all the shit that went down with Mad Dog, but I sure as shit didn't blindly trust the club.  The club worked for Benicio, and Benicio was a smuggler, plain and simple.  It wasn't exactly far-fetched to think he might be smuggling people, not just things.  And if he was, he could have any kind of tie to Aston.

This was the kind of shit I thought about, the kind of shit that had been keeping me up at night all week, as I tried to work through what I could do to help Meia.

But I was grateful for it.  It was a hell of a lot better than thinking about what a shit father I had been and how it was my fault my wife was dead.

"Hammer,"
Skunk said.  "We've been friends a long time.  I've seen you crazy before.  What the fuck kind of private shit is this?"

"It's nothing," I said.

"Don't look like nothing,"
Skunk said.  "Definitely looks like something."

"I'm looking for someone, okay?
 Christ, leave it the fuck alone."

Skunk
peered closer at one of the pins on the wall.  One of twenty-three.  Each pin marked a possible location where Meia's son might be held, based on what I'd gathered on Aston.
 Possible, shit.  
There were an infinite number of possible locations.  I didn't know why I'd thought hacking Aston would magically give me a location for Ben.

I'd promised something to Meia, and I was severely doubting my ability to deliver on that promise.
 And if I couldn't....I didn't want to think about what she was going through, knowing her son was in Aston's hands.  What she had been going through for years, being forced to be with the monster who had taken him.  If Ben was killed...well, fuck, I knew how it felt to have the one thing you loved taken from you, and to feel like it was your own damn fault.

It would fucking destroy her.

"Does this have to do with April?" Skunk asked.

I felt my fists clenched by my side.
 "Not a fucking thing," I said.  "I'm trying to help someone."

Skunk
looked at me, disbelief etched on his face.  He thought I was close to putting tin foil on the windows and ranting about how I'd figured out who was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.   I could see it in his eyes.  "Fuck, man, I don't know," he said, shaking his head.

"
Why the hell are you here, Skunk?"

"Want to see if you want to get in a fight next Saturday,"
Skunk said.  "If you're feeling up to it."  He nodded at me, referring to whether or not I'd healed from the last fight, but I saw him glance at the wall and knew he was really talking about whether I was a paranoid wing nut who needed a straightjacket.

"Yeah," I said.
 "What the hell?  I'll do it."  I agreed, but I wasn't sure I was feeling it.  I was starting to feel like I'd lost the drive to fight, at least in that sense.

I looked past
Skunk to the map on the wall.  Especially since I was going to need a lot of fight in me to find Ben.

I opened the door, and her eyes lit up, brightening her face.
 It was so different from the first few times I'd seen her.  There was a glimmer of something there now.  Happiness?  Hope?  I wasn't sure.

"You were careful, coming here?" she asked, walking straight toward me and collapsing against my chest.
 I felt my pulse start to slow as I held her her, calming down from the fear she wouldn't show up.  All week, she'd been walking at night while she talked to me on her throwaway cell phone, while she stole moments away from the reach of Aston.  She thought I was at home, and I didn't disabuse her of that notion.  But I wasn't.  I was following her, keeping my distance, making sure she wasn't being tracked by Aston's men.  Once, I saw them, tailing her for a few minutes, but they turned back as she walked in her workout clothes, assuming that's all she was doing.  Aston seemed fairly unconcerned about Meia's whereabouts, I supposed since he had the ultimate form of coercion in her son.

He hadn't called for Meia since we'd met.
 Since before we'd met.  I assumed the last time had been the time he left the bruise under her eye, the one that was nearly completely faded now, entirely covered by the makeup she wore.

I knew he would call for her again, and the thought of it made my blood boil.
 I knew she had no choice in the matter.  I knew she hated him.  But the thought of his hands on her, touching her like he owned her...I couldn't fucking tolerate the thought of it.

"I was careful," I said.
 "Aston hasn't asked for you?"

She shook her head.
 "Hammer," she said.  "You know he will.  And there's nothing I can do to change that fact."

"The thought of him touching you..." I was too angry to speak, my voice trailing off into nothing.

"Hey.  You're hurting me."  Meia wriggled under my grasp, and I became aware of how tightly I was holding onto her shoulders.

"Shit, Meia."
 I immediately let go of her, and she stepped back.  "Fuck, I wasn't paying attention.  I'm sorry."

"I don't know, Hammer," she said, glancing at the door.
 "I don't think this is such a good idea, you and I."

"Fuck.
 Meia, I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.  It's not who I am."

She smiled, but the expression was grim.
 "You forget, I've seen you lose control before.  I've seen you beat a man into the ground."

"It was a fight.
 In the ring," I protested, a gnawing feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.

"Yes, but you weren't in control then," she said.
 "Do you think you're in control now?"

"I'm in control, Meia," I said.
 But did I really believe that, or was that just another lie I was telling myself, deluding myself with the thought that I could stay in control when it came to her?  How could I think I was in control when I was following Meia to make sure she was safe, spending every waking moment sifting through Aston's internet footprint, my living room covered in the clues to Ben's whereabouts?

I hadn’t told her any of that.
 She didn’t know.  So some part of me knew it was too much, suspected she would think I was crazy.  A reasonable person would think that.

I just couldn’t stop.

So what the hell made me think that I was no longer preoccupied by my dark impulses?  Maybe I
was
just an unpredictable shithead, someone who might hurt her.

I shook my head, as if I could shake away the thoughts.
 “I am in control.”  I repeated the words slowly, not sure if I was trying to convince her or myself.

“Hammer,” she said.
 “If you are not in control, if you can’t handle the fact that Aston owns me, you could cost me everything.”

“I know that, Meia,” I said.
 “Don’t you think I know that?  I just…don’t want to think about him laying a hand on you.”

Her eyes flashed anger, and she stepped closer to me now, this tiny bundle of fire.
 “He doesn’t own me, not really, not where it matters.  And you shouldn’t talk like you own me, either, Hammer.”  She pointed her finger at my chest, and I grabbed her wrist, pulled her against my growing hardness.

“I’m more worried that
you’re
going to be the one who owns
me
,” I said.