Breathe Me In (4 page)

So when I went back into the other room, I asked if I could borrow Chloe’s phone. “I accidentally left my purse on the bus. Phone, wallet, it’s all gone. I want to text my friend Kane though and let him know I made it here okay.”

Chloe handed me her phone and I dug into the diaper bag I’d set down to find Kane the Cop’s phone number.

Maybe he would prove useful again.

I was helping my mom in the kitchen, ignoring my two middle sisters squabbling over some sweater that Keely had borrowed from Kami without asking, when my phone buzzed in my pocket. I didn’t always get to come back home to Mom’s for Sunday dinner because of my work schedule, but since I had a day off, after dropping off Kasey I’d come back over for some lasagna. I didn’t want to spend the night glancing at my phone- my sisters did that enough for all of us- so I set down my knife to fish in my pocket and turn it off altogether. If I were really needed at work, they would call my mom’s house.

But being a beat cop, it wasn’t really that likely, so I popped a cherry tomato in my mouth and glanced at the screen.

Text from an unknown number. I frowned.

It’s Anya. This is my sister’s number. I lost my phone when I left my purse on the bus by accident. Thanks again for the money and for not arresting me. (

Anya.

The girl from the bus station had been on my mind the entire time since I’d left her. I couldn’t figure out what her story was, or why I cared. Sure, she was attractive, but it was more the desperate fierceness in her eyes that had prevented me from being able to forget about her.

The smiley face was weird. She didn’t seem like an emoji kind of chick. I was surprised to even hear from her. She had acted like she wanted to get as far away from me as she possibly could. I didn’t understand why she was choosing to reach out when she didn’t have to.

“Everything okay?” Mom asked as she pulled the lasagna out of the oven.

“Yeah,” I said absently as I read the message again. “Fine.”

I started typing.

You’re welcome. I’m glad you got there safe. Let me know if I can do anything else.

Find me a job? Haha

I paused. I wasn’t going to claim to be an expert on women but I did think I was able to read people. This was not the same attitude she’d displayed at the bus station at all. Though maybe she was just relieved to be at her sister’s so now she was loosening up. Maybe she’d eaten and was more herself. Curious, I decided to feel her out and see when she might get prickly again on me.

Sorry, no job unless you want to clean my apartment.

That was guaranteed to piss her off. I wasn’t serious, of course. Sure, my apartment was a bachelor place, but it wasn’t totally disgusting. Most of the time.

But her response caught me totally off guard.

I can do that.

I don’t expect you to clean my house. I was kidding.

I want to repay you.

That did seem to fit what little I’d seen of her. She wouldn’t want to owe anyone anything.

Just eat something. That would make me happy.

Are you offering me dinner?

Again, not what I was expecting her to say. Why did that sound flirty to me? It was like she wanted to see me. But that couldn’t be it. I had to be misreading. The whole text problem in that I couldn’t really hear her intent.

You want me to take you to dinner?

How about you cook me dinner while I clean?

Okay, this was just getting weirder and weirder. It almost sounded like a date, yet I wasn’t sure if she meant clean up the dishes after dinner or actually clean my apartment, which would be all sorts of fucked up. The idea of having a woman come over and do domestic chores for me was a foreign and uncomfortable concept, and there was no way I could chop vegetables while she vacuumed. That was way too domestic for two strangers. It had to be a flirtation, nothing more. Yet that seemed off too because Anya was not a chick who was flirty. She was an iguana. Scaly and unblinking.

There was a more logical explanation. This had the makings of a con. Was she planning to rob me? Who the hell was stupid enough to rob a cop, especially while he was in the house? Maybe she planned to drug me. But again, there were way easier marks than me. I carried a gun. None of it made any sense.

“Who are you talking to?” my mother asked, suddenly appearing behind me and peeking over my shoulder.

I dropped my phone so she couldn’t see it. “No one.” Because that didn’t sound obvious. At all.

Mom grinned at me. “It’s a girl, isn’t it? I knew you’d find someone eventually.”

Jesus. “Mom. I talk to girls all the time. I just don’t tell you about it. This isn’t a someone. This is just a random girl.” That sounded wrong. Rude. But I wasn’t going to dig myself a deeper hole so I just left it at that.

She frowned and gave me a censorious look. “Kane. Don’t be disrespectful. I hope you’re not sleeping around.”

Keely rushed past me on her way to the fridge. “Man whore,” she taunted in my direction.

That turned Mom’s attention from me, thank God, as Mom reprimanded Keely for her language, though I didn’t appreciate my seventeen year old sister calling me a whore either. Given that our father had left basically the minute he’d found out my mother was pregnant with their sixth child, my sister, Faith, I had always been the man of the house. My sisters and my brother Kurt, who was living in Connecticut, knew they could tease me but only to a certain point. I couldn’t let a man whore comment just ride.

“Hey. Respect your elders or I’ll never let you borrow my car again.”

Keely made a face. “By the way,” she said, “I think it’s creepy that your hair is longer than Mom’s.”

I couldn’t argue with that. My hair had gotten a little out of control. Our mother had a pixie haircut. She still dyed it a deep red and personally I thought she was looking damn good. Me? I was a little scruffy, I had to admit. But I’d been busy working and not dating. Without a woman in the picture, I didn’t feel inclined to keep up with the grooming.

“At least I don’t have a mullet.” I put the salad bowl on the table. The kitchen was small and Faith was already wedged into the corner behind the table.

“What’s a mullet?” Faith asked.

“Only the best haircut ever,” my mother said with a grin.

“By the way, how’s your love life?” I asked Mom, seeing the perfect opportunity to fully deflect attention from me.

She made a face. “What love life? Go back to your phone. We’re done with this conversation.”

That made me laugh. I pulled my phone back out. It was rude not to answer Anya though I still wasn’t sure what to say. So I pushed a little more.

I don’t cook but I can feed you. But be honest… are you hitting on me?

So what if I am? Is that a yes?

Is this because I said I didn’t want a blowjob? I was lying, you know. You don’t have to prove anything. Unless you want to.

I regretted instantly adding the last bit. Such a guy thing to say. But hey, it was in my DNA to encourage any freely given blowjob.

Haha. No, I don’t have to prove anything. But you said I pay back my debt and I do.

There was no mention of money, unless she’d borrowed some from her sister. I didn’t like the idea of her paying me back with sex. I wasn’t into using a woman like that.

With your company? Or two twenties? Because it isn’t necessary seriously.

With whatever you want.

Damn. I suddenly went hard. I didn’t know what game she was playing, but I was in. I wouldn’t have sex with her, but I could do a whole lot of other things. Let her wash the dishes, then her so-called debt to me would be repaid and I could tear her clothes off and make her come for me.

I should feel bad for being turned on. She was broke, down on her luck. A mother to a young child. I shouldn’t be picturing all the things that sharp tongue of hers could do to me. Or imagining her defiant eyes meeting mine as she sucked my dick.

But I was.

Getting a woman like Anya to let go and beg for me would be far sexier than a random hook up with a flirty girl out dancing Friday night. Hands down.

Unless you don’t want to have dinner with me.

Oh, I did. I most definitely did. She had me seriously curious.

I do. Trust me.

Then I’ll see you tomorrow night?

Sounds good. Seven. Are you bringing your son?

Of course not. WTF? My sister will watch him.

That was good to know. I like kids a whole lot but that would be weird. I couldn’t have dinner with Anya and be thinking about her naked while her baby was in the room.

Cool. Do you like wine?

I like whatever you like.

She didn’t want to know what I liked because it would probably scare the shit out of her. Then again, Anya didn’t look like she scared easily.

Perfect.

My week had just gotten a whole hell of a lot more interesting.

Being at Chloe and Ethan’s was like fucking nirvana. It was quiet, the right temperature, there was constantly food being presented to me, and the pull out sofa was remarkably comfortable. I slept for eight hours solid that first night and so did Asher. It seemed Chloe went to college online because of the whole unable to talk thing, so she was around the next day. Her boyfriend wasn’t starting law school until the following semester but he worked as a bartender at night and studied in preparation for upcoming classes during the day. But that Monday he went to the coffee shop to study so he wasn’t around, which was a relief. His suspicious eyes made me feel guilty.

I lounged on the couch with a cup of coffee and a blueberry muffin while Chloe played on the floor with Asher. I realized it was the most relaxed I had felt in a year. More than a year. When I changed Asher into his last clean diaper and gave him the last bag of baby food, Chloe was watching me carefully. She started typing on her iPad and handed it to me.

If your purse was lost you don’t have any money for diapers or food, do you?

I shook my head. “No. Not that I had a whole lot to begin with, but I had a few hundred bucks. I could call the bus station but I’m sure someone stole the money even if my purse was recovered.”

Toying with the idea of calling the cops in New York and reporting myself missing, anonymously of course, I dismissed the idea. Who would I say that I was or where Anya had last been? I could say I’d been last seen with Diego but with my luck he wouldn’t end up arrested, just pissed off and even more determined to kill me.

“I need to find a job,” I told Chloe. “I’m really sorry for being such a pain in the ass.”

Not that I would be a burden for long, but I still felt guilty. She had no ties to me, not really. Just ancient and vague memories.

I want to help. Let me take you to the store and you can get some things for the baby.

There really wasn’t a choice. I had to accept her help. My throat tightened as I nodded. “Thanks, Chloe, seriously.”

She set her iPad on the floor and Asher smacked at the screen. She laughed. Then she swiped through and found something where bubbles floated onto the screen and popped when touched. Asher’s eyes lit up curiously. The guilt rose in me painfully. Familiarly. I couldn’t provide a good life for Asher. Who the fuck was I kidding? I couldn’t even buy food or diapers or clothes for him. I sure in the hell couldn’t buy him an iPad. I got his vaccinations at the free clinic. He slept with me because I didn’t have a crib. There was a guy who wanted me if not dead, at least roughed up, and there were people who wanted to take my child, sell him to the top bidder on the adoption black market. Asher was white gold- blonde, young.

I couldn’t keep him safe and I couldn’t feed and shelter him.

I was the loser my adopted father had said I was. An awful waste of space. Not worthy of the very air I breathed and certainly not worth the adoption fee they had paid for me.

Self-loathing cut off my breath, made me bite my tongue hard, so I could taste the blood. Poverty wasn’t my fault. I worked hard. New York was an expensive place to live. And Sam had shot up all the money I had saved for the baby’s needs. I wasn’t a bad mother.

I was fixing it, getting back on my feet. Making a life for Asher and me.

I had dinner plans with Kane the Cop and if all went well, I’d be securing his interest. I had no desire to have sex with him, or any man for that matter, but I would if it would serve my purpose and keep my child safe. Kane was hot enough, but I was pretty sure that my vagina had dried up and crumbled into dust at this point. I was too busy surviving to worry about getting my freak on. It was like taking care of Asher and the aftermath of Sam’s death had destroyed any ounce of sexual desire I’d ever had and now I was about as turned on by men as a ladybug would be.

But that was irrelevant. What mattered was using what I knew made men bend, give in, allow themselves to be distracted- sex. I might not be the hottest woman Kane had ever encountered, but I was probably the most desperate one. Which I despised. It made me want to rage at the world or conversely, hide in a corner.

Watching my sister with my son, I knew that I could be strong for just a little while longer. I could do this. I could do Kane. But I needed to know something, needed to put my deepest fear to rest. “Hey, Chloe?”

She looked over at me in question.

“If anything happens to me, will you take care of Asher? I don’t want him to end up in foster care.” I widened my eyes against the tears that were threatening. God, what the hell was wrong with me? I’d been on the verge of crying five times in the last twenty-four hours. It was stupid.

Chloe nodded. She leaned over from where she was on the floor and squeezed my knee through my not-so-clean jeans. I put my hand over hers and squeezed back. I didn’t trust easily and I wasn’t one to warm up to people overnight, but it was different with Chloe. I could tell that there was nothing cruel or manipulative about her. She was pure of heart and trustworthy. I could see into her eyes and believe that she would care for my son as well as I could. Shit, she’d probably be better at it than me. Maybe there was something to this twin business because even though I barely remembered Chloe, it was like I knew her. I looked at her, and I felt the odd sensation of connection. A mysterious bond that didn’t require we really talk or know anything about each other than that we shared blood. Hell, we’d shared a uterus as our first hang out and what could be closer than that?