Breathless - Jesse Book 1 (12 page)

Niki

“You look nice, babe.” Jason closed my apartment door behind him as he stepped into the living room. It had been almost two weeks since that Sunday night, when he returned from his grandmother’s birthday, the night I was on the beach with Jesse

“Come in Jason. I have to get my purse and I’ll be ready.”

“I hope you’re hungry. I’ve picked out a good place for us to eat.”

I wrung my hands, under my little white sweater I had draped over my arm. “Sure Jason. Just give me a moment.”

Jason stood stiffly in khaki pants and a white polo shirt near the entryway. He found it difficult to sit, waiting was not his forte. He preferred to pace and reorganize my knickknacks on the bookshelves, or straighten the already level pictures hanging on the walls. Just like my dad. A neat freak.

“They serve organic and vegan.”

“I’m not really into vegan. Don’t they have beef?” I said as I headed down the short hall to my bedroom to locate my little peach colored purse. I don’t know why he chose to forget. We’d had this conversation before. I popped back into the living room and he was on a rant.

“Ugh. You never eat beef. How can you even say that, Niki? Don’t you realize how bad beef is for you? Didn’t we read “The China Study” by Collin Campbell together?” He reached for the doorknob and allowed me to exit first.

“Well, yeah but...”

“Maybe you need to read it again.” The acid in my stomach rose up in my esophagus. I stared at the ground as he pulled the door shut behind us. We walked to the car and I opened my mouth to say what a lovely evening it was, but he continued.

“Collins’ findings about the link between dietary habits and health have been published in the most reputable scientific journals and now in this book. Collins is a research scientist and his scientific studies have demonstrated that a good diet is the most powerful weapon against disease. And eating beef, or having a steak dinner with a baked potato and all the toppings, is a big “no, no”, why it’s just a heart attack waiting to happen. It’s not good for you Niki. You need to eat healthier. I don’t want to become a widower at forty”

“Well, we are not exactly married yet.” I withered a little inside. I wanted to have an enjoyable evening out, but as usual Jason’s cheerless personality cloaked the entire evening with his need to control.

We had been spending our usual three nights a week together, nights scheduled by Jason. He insisted on scheduling the time according to his calendar of events. It had been nearly a week since the bonfire and every time I was with Jason I turned red with guilt, as if I wore Jesse’s kiss, like a scarlet letter, burned onto my lips. I was sure Jason could see it.

I chastised myself, it was merely a kiss. No big deal. Yet my stomach swirled with anxiety. And I didn’t even know why. Sure, I saw Jesse again but that was because he stalked me at the sandwich shop. And we had casually texted back and forth a bit during the week. But it was really nothing.

 
I re-checked the zipper on my peach purse to make sure it was shut tightly. I didn’t want to chance it, that my cell phone might fall out and Jason might accidentally see the messages. Though I didn’t exactly know how that could happen.
Damn it.
Jason had me all on edge, feeling too much shame, judgment, and mistrust.

All week I asked myself, why had I let Jesse into my life? In every private moment I had to myself, thoughts of him would invade my mind, like the chirping of crickets on a warm summer night. And I caught myself lost in a daydream of being in Jesse’s arms instead of Jason’s. It happened, all by itself, without thinking. What is it that Jesse and I have to experience together? Why have we been brought into each other’s lives? Who is moving the strings and for what reason? Will I be able to understand all this -- ever?

The waiter sat us at our table. The restaurant had modern sleek wooden and chrome decor. Very bland, like the food -- like Jason.

“I really wish you would have gone with me to the birthday. Everyone was asking about you and why you weren’t there.” He rearranged the water glass and silverware on the table in front of him to his satisfaction.

“I’m sorry Jason, I never met your grandmother and I felt it was too soon in our relationship for that kind of thing. That’s why I decided not to go with you. And besides, I had an assignment to finish.”

Jason frowned, placed his elbows on the table and laced his fingers together under his chin. “I can’t believe you’re wasting your time with this designer thing. You seem to be making a lot of bad choices lately. It’s such an illogical idea to take classes in fashion design. I mean seriously, aren’t you going to be a lawyer like me and your father? Are you going to waste your life designing clothes for no-brain teenagers? You were at the top of your class, Niki. You’re about to waste your four year degree. You need to think about the future and which one is the most logical and profitable career choice.”

“You sound like my fucking father.” Jason’s face paled in surprise of my choice of words. “You don’t understand. I need to do this because it’s
my
choice. All my life I’ve done what my dad wants. My entire life’s been a fraud, afraid to be myself, like being me somehow wasn’t enough. I walked around on pins and needles, living in that house with him, convinced that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, lovable enough... ha, I even believed that in order to be happy and please him, I had to become better, smarter, and even more lovable. I walked around like a fucking robot, tucked my real feelings away. I wasn’t allowed to be sad when mom died. Good girls aren’t sad. And I got angry when dad sent me away to boarding school because he couldn’t deal with me and my emotions. But good girls aren’t supposed to be angry. Good girls don’t act that way, right? They just get called “bitch” for showing their emotions. I hid from my feelings too long, Jason. I hid a very important part of me. My creative part, and I’m scared to death that if I don't start living my life the way I want, it’ll be harder and harder to hear myself, my authentic self...and a part of me will be lost forever.”

I gulped and tried to calm myself. There wasn’t enough air in the room, the heat gathered inside of it was like a sudden, awful hand over my mouth. I hurried to
si
p my water
, before I had
a meltdown. I took a deep breath. “I like designing. When I woke up this morning I had an idea in my head, and at the end of the day, there was a design on the table. My creation, a piece of me, now existed, and didn’t earlier. Can you do
that
as a lawyer?”

He sat like stone, not breathing a word while I poured my emotions out all over the table. He calmly took his hands down to his lap and cleared his throat.

“Niki, that kind of career isn’t a profession, like lawyer. It won’t make you any money. In order to have a profitable career in fashion design, you would have to make it really big as a designer. And what are the chances of that? Who says you’re really good at it? The fashion school you are attending tells all the applicants how talented they are. This school is in the business of making money. It’s a
career school
, Niki, not a university. They’ll gladly take the money of every starry eyed girl who is willing to pay the tuition. At the most, you might make a decent living for a few years but then, as with any artistic endeavor, another young fresh artist/designer will come along and “bam” --- you’re out of business. Honestly, Niki, you’re wasting your time with this silly idea of yours.”

“You arrogant asshole. You have no idea, Jason. Did you even listen to me? You don’t even know me. And what the hell do you know about fashion design anyway? It’s my passion. Don’t judge me. You don’t know shit.”

“Whoa, whoa, easy now, tiger. I didn’t mean it that way. You’re probably great at “fashion design” and really, it’s not that important to be creative. Look. Here’s what you can do, Niki. Be a lawyer, have a good income and career and you can do something with your design stuff in your spare time...as a hobby. That’s it. There you go. That’s what you will do. That is what you
need
to do. It’ll make your father proud.”

If I had something to throw at him I would have. Jason hadn’t heard a word I’d said. How dare he criticize my life choices? I was about to explode in his face, but thankfully, the waiter came to our table.

“Ah, the food has arrived. Let’s eat,” Jason said with a smug face.

 
A young waiter with a long low ponytail, wearing very “I love Earth Day” attire, placed a plate of a vegan entree in front of me. Between the lackluster food and Jason’s attack on my ability to run my own life, I wished I had a big, fat juicy steak to cut into, with blood oozing onto the plate from the first cut.

I picked up my fork and held it in my fist with the force of a death grip. I stared at the food not sure I could eat right now. My blood boiled. I was more than pissed.

“What’s wrong? You look mad.” He said evenly and cut into his food.

I shoved a forkful of the pasty-white shit into my mouth and chewed viciously. I swallowed hard before it was completely chewed.

“What’s wrong?” My indignation rose to suicidal heights. “You don’t even see it, do you? You don’t see what a selfish controlling prick you are.”

Jason lowered his knife and fork and leaned forward. “Maybe we should talk about this later.”

I dropped my fork on the table. I was done with him and his control issues.

“No, we are going to fucking talk about it right now. Who are you to tell me what to do? Seriously. You’re not my dad. I know what I want and I know I have the talent. It’s all clear to me now, you don’t support my dreams. How do you think that will work in a fucking relationship?”

“I really wish you would calm down and stop swearing like a sailor--” He started to speak, but I was on a roll and I ploughed ahead.

“Do you suffocate everything that comes your way? You can’t put me in a box, Jason, like you always do in your super organized, super clean world, so things won’t get messy. I’m sorry Jason, that’s just not me. Maybe I want to be messy, maybe sometimes I am unorganized. Just let me be myself.”

“Niki, Niki. Life is not always about doing what you want. Grownups must take responsibility for their actions. You can’t do whatever you please.”

Oh great, now he was placating me. I rolled my eyes and sat back in my chair.

“Niki, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately. And on another issue, what were you thinking moving in with Kat? She’s the most irresponsible person. You know what, you should move in with me. I have more to offer you than a cheap apartment with a crazy out of control boy toy. I have a good job and ...”

I pushed my plate away.

“I’m done here. I can’t eat this.” I wiped my mouth with the napkin. “I see it now, Jason. You’re always going to argue, get things go the way you plan. You are a lawyer and you will argue until you die. I’ll never win. You will always put yourself first. Well, damn it, I refuse to live that way.”

“Niki, what do you mean?”

“Jason, I used to think we could make it as a couple, but now I know that we’re not meant for each other.” I looked up to the ceiling, as if the answer had been hanging over me all along. “I refused to see it before, but it's so clear. You are my dad, exactly like my dad, and the last thing in the world I want, is to marry my dad.”

“Hold on. Now you’re just being silly. I don’t know why you would compare me to your father. I’m nothing like him.” He finished his meal and leaned in again. “You’ve had a long week and so have I. You’re tired and I have an early meeting. Let me drive you home. Once you’ve calmed down, I’m sure you will think differently in the morning. Sleep on it and we will talk about you moving in with me tomorrow.”

Oh my God. This guy was a brick wall. I folded my arms across my chest.

“There’s nothing to talk about. I’m done with this. There’s a girl for you who is just your type, but I’m not that girl. I want the opposite of you. I want to experience life, and live it. I don’t care about status, or money. I care about joy, passion, dreams and fulfillment.” I flung my hands up in the air. Jason stared at me blankly. For once he was speechless.