BROKEN (9 page)

It was almost as if he felt it made him look weak to show so much affection in front of other people
,
and though it had hurt, eventually she
had
accepted it as a part of who he was.
 
Now all that had changed.
 
She’d fallen in love with him, with the
Kincaid
he
had
become over the past several weeks, and she was terrified she
would
wake up one morning to find he’d reverted back to his old self.

And he still hadn’t told her about the mission, at least nothing that revealed why she saw that haunted look in his eyes when she came into the room unexpectedly and caught him unaware.
 
He told her they
had
been sent to rescue a journalist and his wife and that the poor woman had been brutalized repeatedly in front of her husband.
 

He’d been genuinely horrified to find the woman so out of her mind that she fought him as he carried her out of the facility.
 
Kincaid was guilt-stricken b
ecause
he and his team had
spent a week planning the rescue
,
even knowing what was probably happening to the couple.
 
He’d refused to say anything more, telling her once again that he needed more time.
 

But it wasn’t just his evasiveness about the mission that bothered Jessie.
 
He was hiding something else, she was sure of it.
 
The absentmindedness, the things he should have known but didn’t, certain mannerisms that he
had
never displayed before; all of it added up to something, but what?
 
And there were other things too, like the frequent phone calls to his parents, and the lack of calls to his brother.
 

Kincaid
never had a problem with her being in the room when he called his parents,
al
though she usually made an excuse to leave out of courtesy.
 
As for calls to his brother, he’d always wandered outside to make those
.  S
he understood it was because they often discussed the missions they’d been on
,
or the one that was coming up.
 
But he hadn’t done that the entire time he’d been here and there were only two conclusions she could draw from that.
 
Either he and Mitch had a falling out and weren’t speaking
,
or worse
;
Mitch had been killed.
 
She prayed it was simply a disagreement between the brothers because she just couldn’t bear the thought of him not only losing Mitch, but trying to cope with it on his own.

Feeling helpless and frustrated, Jessie
seriously
considered
coming right out and demanding that he tell her. 
No, she
quickly
dismissed the idea.
 
She couldn’t do it
,
no matter how much she wanted to know what was really going on with
Kincaid
, especially
since she'd promised to be patient and wait until he was ready to confide in her.
 
Still, he didn’t seem to be in any hurry to do that
,
and in spite of how well they got along and how happy she was with the way their relationship seemed to be growing stronger, Jessie couldn’t help feeling it would never be quite right as long as he kept shutting her out.
 

As she stood there contemplating how to get him to open up, her eyes strayed to the closet.
 
A memory stirred, and before she knew it she was standing inside peering guiltily at his duffle bag.
 
The day she’d come into the bedroom and found him standing in the closet,
Kincaid
told her he was looking for the pocket watch his brother had given him.
 
She hadn’t given it much thought at the time because she’d been too concerned that he didn’t remember it was always kept in the top dresser drawer.
 
But now she was certain he
had
been putting something inside the bag and had to wonder if he’d only been trying to distract her by saying he was looking for the watch.
 

Casting a quick glance at the bedroom door, Jessie knelt down beside the bag and slowly pulled back on the zipper.
 
Empty
.
 
With a disappointed sigh, she started to close
 
it back up again when something caught her eye.
 
Leaning closer, she could see the bottom lining of the bag seemed to be uneven
,
as if something was tucked beneath it.
 

She hesitated for several minutes before curiosity won over the rush of guilt.
 
Jessie carefully pried the corner up and reached beneath, pulling out a hard bound journal.
 
Her hands shook as she opened it up and started to read.
 
The first entry was dated three months before she and
Kincaid
 
met.

This journal was presented to me by my mother who says I internalize too much and insists it will be therapeutic to write down the things I
can’t or won’t
talk about.
 
So, where do I begin?
 
Do I start by admitting I’m a total mess, that the drawbacks of being a Special Ops agent are now battling the rewards?
 
I tell myself I can handle it, but it gets harder with
each mission.
 

My men and I are damn good at what we do, but being the best doesn’t always mean we’re successful.
 
There are things that are simply out of our control, and that’s what eats at me.
 
Those missions that failed, the men who
have
lost their lives trying to save someone else, the innocent victims who paid the price because we couldn’t reach them in time
.
 

Sometimes it feels like my head is going to explode because I can’t get the images out.
 
So I drink.
 
I t
old Mitch and my parents that I
discovered this quiet little island and that it helps me regroup to be off by myself.
 
But the truth is, I hide out in sleazy hotels and drink until the images disappear.
 

I drink until I can’t remember anything; day and night have no distinction.
 
Mitch tells me he loses himself in the first small town he comes to and that the peace and quiet heals him.
 
But I wonder…is he drinking too?

Jessie blinked back the tears.
 
God, he sounded so lost, so lonely.
 
She’d had no idea about the drinking binges.
 
Kincaid
never had anything stronger than an occasional beer while he was staying with her
,
and he’d certainly never gotten drunk.
 
Her heart ached for all the pain he
had
suffered, for the sacrifices he’d made for the sake of others.
 
And she forgave him.
 
She forgave him for all the times he seemed so distant and for using her to forget.
 
She forgave him for leaving her, for all the lonely nights, for all the tears.

Jessie drew in a deep breath and turned the page.
 
There was more of the same; more missions, more drinking binges, women he didn’t bother to name.
 
But there were also passages about the men he worked with and his brother.
 
Not about the missions they went on, but the friendship they shared and the closeness that came from watching out for each other.
 

He lost himself during those dark times between missions, but always in those last few days before
Kincaid
returned to the team, it was his love for Mitch that drew him back out.
 
His brother needed him, he wrote, and he couldn’t bear to disappoint Mitch by letting him know how far down he’d sunk.
 
So he sobered up and came back pretending that he was ready to take on the next assignment.

I was on a downward spiral with no way to stop myself.
 
I couldn’t leave Special Ops because it was too much a part of me.
 
How ironic that being an agent was both my saving grace and the source of my destruction.
 
Then I met Jessie.
 
Halfway through my second whiskey sour of the night, I looked up and spotted her across the little bar.
 

Blond hair, blue eyes, and a set of killer legs that practically had me drooling on the bar.
 
Jessie was surrounded by four or five men who all
looked like they’d beat the hell out of anyone who even dared to approach her.
 
But she was by far the most beautiful woman I
had
ever seen
,
and the thought crossed my mind that it might be worth taking a punch or two if I got to dance with her just once
.

A soft smile formed on
Jessie’s
lips when she remembered the night they met.
 
It was hard not to notice to him, he was so incredibly handsome.
 
Dressed in army fatigues, he looked out of place in the little bar
,
and the boys had started in on the jeering remarks almost as soon as they arrived.
 

Kincaid
was less than subtle; his eyes following her when Del asked her to dance, raking over her as if he was picturing her without any clothes.
 
It excited her in a way she’d never known before
,
and when the dance was over, she excused herself and walked boldly up to the bar.
 

With her hands on her hips, she looked
Kincaid
straight in the eye and shocked herself by saying, “Well?
 
Are you
just
going to
sit there gawking at me all night or are you going to
ask me to dance?”

The sexy grin he
gave
her had Jessie mentally undressing him
,
just as he’d done to her.
 
Without a word he
took
her hand and led her out onto the dance floor and pulled her into his arms.
 
She wasn’t sure how she managed to stay on her feet because the minute she was pressed up against his lean, muscular body, her knees nearly buckled beneath her.
 
             

The chemistry between them was overpowering, his masculinity so potent she could barely breathe.
 
It felt good to be his arms
,
and Jessie was elated when the slow dance ended and the band moved right into another.
 
Kincaid
looked past her, nodding his head towards her ranch hands.
 

“What are the chances of me making it out of here alive?”

Jessie smiled up at him.
 
“With or without me?”

“Sweetheart, I have no intention of leaving here without you.
 
It would help to know my odds though.”

A soft blush worked its way up her neck at what he was suggesting.
 
“I don’t even know you
.  W
hat makes you think I
would
leave with you?”
 

Kincaid
’s head dipped down, his lips capturing hers in long, sensuous kiss that left her heart pounding wildly and her breath nonexistent.
 
“Oh,” was all she managed to say before he drew her closer and kissed her again.
 
“Fifty-fifty,” she whispered hoarsely when he lifted his head.

Kincaid
grinned.
 
“I’ve had worse odds and come out alive.”

Jessie couldn’t believe she was even contemplating leaving with a complete stranger, especially knowing full well what it was they were going to do once they left.
 
She looked up at him timidly.
 

“I don’t usually…”

“I didn’t think that you did.”

“Maybe we should get to know each other first.”

Kincaid
’s eyes darkened.
 
“Oh, believe me, sweetheart, I plan on getting to know you very, very well.”

She blushed again, her cheeks burning.
 
“Do you…have some place we could go?
 
You see, the boys…I mean
,
the men at my table are my ranch hands and they live in the bunkhouse.”

“And you wouldn’t feel comfortable taking me back to your place with them so close by?”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

The song ended and
Kincaid
guided her back to his spot at the bar.
 
“What’s your name?”

“Jessie.”

“Jessie,” he repeated.
 
“A beautiful na
me for a beautiful woman.
 
Kincaid,” he introduced himself, “
Adam
 
Kincaid.”

“It’s nice to meet you
Kincaid
.”
 

She glanced
back at the table, a little unnerved to find how closely they were being watched.
 
Turning back to Adam, she could see why they all seemed so concerned.
 
He was a big man, at least six foot three, with broad shoulders and arm muscles that rippled with every movement he made.
 
And he was looking at her as if he wanted to devour her.
 
Her body trembled in response
,
and for a moment the insanity of what she was about to do made her falter.

“Listen,
Kincaid
, I’ve never done this before and I have to confess I’m a little scared.”

“I won’t hurt you, Jess,” he said softly, “and if it’s any consolation, I’m a little scared myself.”

“I highly doubt that,”
Jessie laughed.
 
The idea of this man being scared of anything was

“Well
,
it’s true.”
 
He reached out and took her hand.
 
“I’ve never had a long term relationship, Jess, but I can promise you this; if you leave this bar with me, it won’t be a one night stand.”

She had no reason to believe him, but she did.
 
No man had ever made her feel this way, as if her entire body was on fire, and it stirred a passion in her she never even knew existed before that night.
 
She wanted him, wanted to feel his hands on her skin, wanted
Kincaid
to kiss her as he’d done on the dance floor and to feel the heat of him deep inside where no man had ever touched her before.
 
She slipped her hand from his and asked him to wait there.

None of the men were happy with her decision and Del had been quite vocal about how dangerous it was to leave with a man she’d only just met.
 
But Jessie held her ground.
 
It was none of his business what she did or who she spent her time with,
and
she told him
so
.
 
With a defiant
toss
of her head, she left them and returned to
Kincaid
.
 
He rose from his stool and looped his arm around her waist.
 

“If looks could kill, I’d be dead about five times over by now.”

“They’ll get over it,” she said flippantly as they emerged from the bar.
 
Inside, however, her stomach was busy performing a series of acrobatic routines.
 
“I rode into town with one of the boys so you’ll need to give me a lift in the morning.”

Kincaid
pulled her closer to his side.
 
“I’ll make sure you get home safe, but I doubt it will still be morning when we finally roll out of bed.”
 
He stopped beside a black pick up and opened the passenger door, then lifted her effortlessly onto the seat.
 
“The place I’m staying at is in a less than desirable part of town.
 
I’d like to take you some place nice, some place fitting a
lady
like you.”

“There
are
some inexpensive hotels in mid-town,” she suggested.
 

Kincaid
shook his head.
 
“No, Jess, I want the best for you.
 
What’s the most expensive hotel in town?”

“The Palace, but you really don’t…”

“Yes
,
I do,” he said firmly.
 
He shut the door and hurried to the driver’s side and climbed in.
 
“Point the way.”

Jessie gave him directions then sat back in the seat with her hands clasped in her lap.
 
“I’m not on the pill or anything,” she told him, cringing at the way her voice shook.

“I’ve had a vasectomy so you don’t need to worry about getting pregnant.”
 
He glanced over at her.
 
“We don’t need to use condoms unless you
would
feel more comfortable if we did.”

Jessie looked down at her hands.
 
Never in her life had she talked about birth control or whether to use condoms or not.
 
“Do you normally use them?
 
I mean…well, it’s not really any of my business how many women you’ve slept with, but if there’s a chance…”

“I’m clean,” he chuckled, obviously amused by her embarrassment.
 
 
“Listen, Jess, I’m going to be straight with you.
 
I’ve never had sex without using a condom, not even after the vasectomy a year ago.
 
Even so, I get a physical twice a year.
 
My last one was less than two weeks ago and I got a clean bill of health.
 
I haven’t been with a woman since.”

Confused, Jessie asked, “Why did you tell me we didn’t need to use one then?”

Kincaid
reached across the seat and squeezed her hand.
 
“Because I don’t want to.
 
When I get inside of you, I don’t anything between us.”

Jessie let out a surprised gasp when the muscles deep in her abdomen clenched.
 
With a smile, he lifted her hand to his lips and pressed a feathery kiss to her fingertips.
 
Again her muscles contracted, leaving a throbbing ache in its place.
 
She didn’t say anything the rest of the way to the hotel, didn’t utter a single sound as he walked her inside and registered.
 
Her voice seemed locked in her throat as
Kincaid
guided her to the elevators and then to their room.
 
Only when the door closed behind them and he’d taken her hand and pulled her towards the bed did she manage to speak.

“
Kincaid
, I…I have to tell you something first.”

He reached for her shirt and start undoing the buttons.
 
“I’m listening.”

She licked her lips nervously, distracted for a moment by the movement of his hands as they slid from one button to another.
 
“I…I’ve never done this before.”

“That’s pretty obvious; you’re trembling like a leaf.”
 
He undid the last button then gave her a soft kiss.
 
“Easy, sweetheart, I’ll take care of you.
 
Trust me,” he whispered, “I
would
never do anything to hurt you.”
 
 

Kincaid
slipped the blouse off her shoulders then put his arms around her back to unhook her bra.
 
She stared up at him, her heart hammering so hard she could feel it pulsing in her throat.
 
Her bra was tossed aside and a low moan pushed its way from her mouth when he cupped both her breasts.

“So beautiful,” he whispered.
 

His hands lingered for a while, his eyes growing darker at her intense response.
 
Jessie sucked in a breath of air when he turned his attention to the zipper on her skirt.
 

“
Kincaid
, you’re not listening
. 
I said I’ve never…”

“I believe you, sweetheart, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of.
 
We were attracted to each other and acted on it
.  I
t’s as simple as that.”

Her skirt dropped to the floor, leaving her in nothing but a pair of low heeled sandals and black lace panties.
 
She tried to tell him again, but her train of thought was totally derailed when he kicked his boots off then yanked his shirt over his head.
 
When he shoved his jeans and boxers down, Jessie let out a small, frightened squeak and took a few steps back.
 

She’d seen pictures in Sex Education when she was in high school, of course, but the drawings in the book certainly hadn’t prepared her for the real thing.
 
He was fully aroused and extremely well endowed
,
and Jessie backed away with the inane thought that death by impalement was definitely not the way she wanted to go.

“Wait, wait,” she croaked when he moved towards her, “I can’t…do this…”

Kincaid
continued his advance and gently drew her into his arms.
 
H
is kisses were soft,
as if he was afraid she
would
break if he pressed too hard.
 

“I won’t hurt you,” he whispered against her lips.

She pulled her head back, her eyes wide and frightened.
 
“I’m scared,
Kincaid
.”

"Why
,
sweetheart?"
 
He stroked her hair, gathered her closer, and kissed her again.
 
 
His eyes
moved over her face
for a moment before suddenly narrowing in anger.
 
“Did someone hurt you, a boyfriend maybe?
 
Is that why you’re scared, someone got too rough with you?”