Broken (Broken #1) (20 page)

We rush up the stairs and
quickly pull on our coats. He holds an umbrella up before taking me
out into the harsh rain and helps me into his car. I rub my hands
together in front of the heater as soon as he turns the key in the
ignition, grateful he has a decent car that takes only seconds to
heat up rather than the fifteen minutes it took in Caleb’s.

“
Movie or
food?” He asks and carefully reverses before setting the car
straight and heading down the narrow drive.

“
Movie?” I
ask and another thought comes to mind. “Where’s
blondie?”

“
Her car has
gone. She left while we were in the basement.”

“
Oh. You were
mean to her.”

His face gets tight and his
eyes narrow, “It’s none of your business. Don’t try and make it
so.”

“
Sorry,” I
mumble because he’s right. Still it doesn’t feel great knowing how
rude he was and not being able to say anything about it.

“
Accepted.”

Christ he’s such an arsehole
sometimes.

The cinema is empty when we
arrive, I’m shocked it’s even open. We had to drive for nearly an
hour to get here and the rain is still pelting it down. We argue
for a while over seeing an action movie versus a psychological
thriller. He wins and we have to watch the thriller because he
can’t stand action movies. Whatever. It does look good to be
fair.

Apparently popcorn is a big no,
no. Who goes to the cinema and doesn’t have popcorn? The only thing
I’m allowed is a bottle of water. He’s paying so it’s not like I
can complain. It’s awkward enough that I can’t afford things for
myself and I feel guilty because of that. I do have some money in
my account but I’m scared to spend it, I might need it. Who knows
how long his generosity will last?

We don’t speak throughout the
movie for obvious reasons, we also don’t speak as we leave for not
so obvious reasons. When we get outside I’m relieved to see the
lack of rain. Nathan seems to think it’ll be okay to go back home,
I hope he’s correct in his assumptions because blondie was right,
the house is freaky in the dark. I’ll never look at it the same way
again and I’ll be damned if I ever walk around at night after
this.

“
You’re a
good cook,” his voice startles me.

“
Thanks.” I
think.

“
I have to
say though, the spaghetti was my favourite. Very rich.”

“
It’s sort of
my speciality I guess.”

He glances at me out of the
corner of his eye, “Where’d you learn to cook like that?”

Does he genuinely not know?
“It’s what I studied in University. I want to open up my own
restaurant and bakery one day.”

He seems surprised and I’m
wondering why, “That’s a good endeavour. I’m guessing you’ve had to
drop out due to the recent events?”

“
Yes. Caleb
was going to drop out and stay at home with the baby.”

I see him shake his head as he
mutters, “I bet he was.”

“
What’s that
supposed to mean?” I notice his gloved hands twisting on the
steering wheel, the leather squeaks against the rubber. “If you
have something to say then by all means say it.”

“
I don’t.” I
wait for him to explain his strange muttered outburst further but
he doesn’t. “Will you be cooking this evening?”

“
If you
like,” I shrug and stare at the passing trees. “It’s beautiful out
here. I wish I could enjoy it more.”

“
Meaning?”

“
Meaning I
wish Caleb were still alive and then everything wouldn’t seem so
bland and tasteless, and I’m not just talking about
food.”

He lets out a sigh and chews on
his lower lip for a moment, “Caleb hated the countryside.”

“
He
did?”

“
Yes. He
preferred the beach.”

“
Oh,” I
didn’t know this. My eyes burn slightly, I’m not sure why. Maybe
it’s because I’ve just realised I’m never going to know a lot of
things about him now. Only what I already know and what I’m told by
others.

The rain starts up again but
it’s only a light drizzle in comparison to how it was before. I
seek refuge in the kitchen, surrounding by bubbling pots and a
warming oven, as Nathan left me as soon as we arrived home. I’m
grateful for this, the darkness that I’ve tried so hard to keep
away has come back again and right now I just need to be left to my
thoughts.

I refuse to go to bed and
wallow this time, I’m going to cook. I need to do something. I
don’t want Caleb shouting at me from up there, telling me to get a
hold of myself. Which I know he’s probably doing.

Or maybe he’s stood right
beside me, brushing the hair from my shoulder in preparation for
his lips. Maybe he’s whispering in my ear, telling me it’s all
going to be okay.

“
It’s not,
Caleb,” I respond to nobody, my bottom lip quivering as I try to
swallow the lump in my throat and relieve the burning behind my
eyes. “It’s never going to be okay again.”

There’s no response, not like I
was hoping, so I knuckle down and continue making dinner.

It must be the smell that has
drawn Nathan from his room because he’s sat at the dining table
right as I finish serving. He inhales deeply and looks at me, “This
looks amazing.”

Sitting beside him I sip on my
water and take a bite of my own. It tastes like ash again.
“Thanks.”

“
It tastes
amazing too.”

“
I would’ve
made something different but there isn’t much in,” I explain my
reasons for making spaghetti again and take another
bite.

“
Is
everything okay?” he asks, his eyes concerned rather than their
usual irritation.

I shrug, “Fine.”

He opens his mouth to speak but
shuts it again and shakes his head. I’m grateful he doesn’t ask but
part of me also wants him to. I want to spill everything that’s in
my soul.

Although even if he did ask I
doubt I’d tell.

I continue picking at my food
until he finishes his and then set about clearing up. He helps me
carry things from the dining area and into the kitchen.

“
I won’t be
available tomorrow, I have to go to the city. I doubt I’ll be back
until Tuesday morning,” he licks his lower lip and dries the pots
as I pass them to him. His gloves still firmly on his
hands.

“
Okay.”
Great, another lonely day.

“
I’ve
arranged for a laptop for you. It should arrive in the morning
after I’ve left. I’ll write down the password for the WI-FI and pin
it to the fridge before I leave.”

Oh. Well I wasn’t expecting
that. “That’s brilliant, thank you.”

“
No problem,”
I pass him a small bowl and gasp when it shatters on the ground
after our fingers connect ever so slightly. “I’m so sorry, I
should’ve been more careful with my hand.” I immediately crouch and
start picking up the shards.

Nathan whips off his gloves and
immediately goes to the sink to wash his hands. He does realise I
didn’t actually touch his skin right? “It just shocked me, I should
have been more careful,” he says calmly but I can see the stress in
his eyes. “Leave that. You’ll cut yourself, I’ll get the sweeping
brush.”

I stand and search for the
dustpan and brush as he sweeps the entire area into one small pile.
After scooping them up I tip them in the bin and watch him wash his
hands again.

Placing a napkin over his
fingertips he opens a nearby drawer and pulls out another pair of
the same style gloves. He really has a problem.

“
We good?” I
ask, tilting my head to the side.

He nods, flexing his fingers
inside the leather, “I apologize for startling you.”

I’m shocked, he sounds
genuinely apologetic. I go to place my hand on his arm as a way to
comfort him but think better of it and take a step back. “It was an
accident, could happen to anyone.”

His eyes linger on my face for
a long while, I look away not willing to decipher the emotion in
them.

“
Gwen…” He
lets out a breath and stalks from the room.

What was he going to say?
Probably apologize again or maybe a thank you.

My thoughts don’t linger on
this as I get back to the cleaning, my stomach rolls and turns as
the baby tries to get comfortable. I pat my swollen tum
affectionately and retire for the night.

******

Nathan has left before
breakfast, leaving me to deal with the delivery of my new laptop. I
set it up immediately, eager to play. It’s a very good laptop I
have to admit and obviously didn’t cost a small amount. This makes
me feel even worse about my opinions on Nathan. Sure he may be
moody and a bit of an introvert and sometimes rude, not to mention
the fact he can be mean and tactless. But he’s trying to help,
whether that’s due to guilt or loyalty to his brother, I don’t
know. Either way he’s still helping and he’s still providing me
with anything I require.

When collecting the password
from the fridge I notice Nathan’s mobile number underneath the pin.
I set up the WI-FI and contemplate for a while on whether or not I
should text him.

I decide yes.

Gwen
:
Thank
you for the laptop. It’s great. G x

He doesn’t respond, I don’t
expect him to or need him to.

I sit and have a cup of tea
with Jeanine before she leaves and watch videos on YouTube. Funny
videos that would crack even the coldest of souls yet none of them
even draw a smile from me.

I wonder if I’ll ever feel the
same but then I realise I don’t think I ever want to. Gone is
bubbly girl who smiled ate everything and in her place is the girl
who found her fiancée dead beside her only five months before the
arrival of their baby.

I keep reminding myself that it
has hardly been any time at all and grief takes time to settle.
It’ll always be there but it will settle eventually. I’m still
grieving… aren’t I?

Sure I get sad when I think
about him but other than that I don’t feel anything at all. Just
this constant state of numbness.

******

“
I don’t
agree,” I add to the conversation between myself, Paula and her
friend Daisy who has met us for lunch. “The best unscripted
ingredients are a dash of cinnamon and a spoonful of
mayonnaise.”

“
Codswallop,”
Paula waves me off. “Everybody knows if you warm the batter first
and add nutmeg it tastes divine.”

Jeanine chuckles, “Let’s agree
to disagree.”

It feels good to be talking
about food again, it feels like it’s been years since I last
attended University. In reality it has been a little over four
weeks. It’s only been a little over five weeks since the love of my
life died and I’m feeling something other than numb.

It’s not happiness nor
contentedness but it’s something above the darkness that I’ve
succumbed to as of late.

That’s not good… I think.

It makes me feel guilty.

I was happy over food. Out of
everything I could feel about after his death, food would be it.
Food has always been my passion. Cooking, baking, frying, stewing,
the list is endless.

Caleb used to love how excited
I became when I successfully made a dish. Any kind. As soon as it
was done I’d practically jump for joy, force it down his throat and
pant at his feet until he told me how good it was. Sometimes I
wondered if he just told me it was good so I wouldn’t get
disappointed.

Caleb wouldn’t do that.

“
What do you
think?” Daisy asks me.

I blink a few times and shake
my head, “Sorry, I was miles away.”

“
We were
talking about Nathan. Paula was just informing me of his rude
behaviour towards her the other day. Is he like that with you?”
Daisy asks.

I shake my head, “He mostly
just keeps to himself.”

“
It’s nice
that he’s taken you in after Caleb’s unfortunate demise,” she says
quietly and I want to walk away from this conversation. Like now.
“It’s almost unheard of in this day and age. It’s very gallant of
him.”

“
Especially
considering his parents. Ugh. I had the pleasure of meeting his
mother once. Foul woman, absolutely foul.” Paula adds with a cluck
of disgust. “She used to be awful to those boys. They weren’t
allowed to do no wrong.”

“
They grew up
in the city,” I say but it’s more of a question than anything else.
“How’d you know this?”

Daisy leans in, eager to tell
the gossip, “They did but Nathan also spent a lot of time here. The
house you’re in now is the family home. It’s Caleb’s grandfather’s
home. They came back and forth quite a bit. She usually dropped
Nathan off when she’d had enough, which was more often than
not.”

“
Yes,” Paula
agrees, also leaning forward. “Nathan was unruly. He was a menace.
Always causing trouble, always speaking badly to his grandfather.
Caleb however, now he was the happy one although we didn’t see too
much of him growing up. Always daydreaming, always smiling and
playing. Such a lovely boy, he didn’t spend nearly as much time
with his grandfather as Nathan did though.”

“
If Nathan
hated his grandfather so much, why’d he claim his house?” Daisy
asks the question I was thinking but wasn’t going to
ask.

Paula shrugs, “I’ve no idea.
What’s it like inside? Are there still portraits on the walls?” I
think about it for a moment, now that I am I realise I haven’t seen
a single picture anywhere. How odd.