Broken & Damaged Love (4 page)

“Tina. I need you to know you can tell me anything,” her voice started to crack.

She reached out to take the girl’s hand, but it was snatched back away. Her teacher crouched down so she could look into Tina’s reddened eyes.

“Tina. It’s your dad isn’t it?”

Tina exploded in the most gut wrenching, heart breaking howl Mrs Strauss would ever hear. “Yeeees,” she wailed.

Mrs Strauss stood up.

“Tina. We need to go to see the Head Mistress. We need to tell her so we can get some help. OK? ”

Tina launched herself into her teacher’s arms. It was like she was standing in a burning building fifty floors up, and had to jump across to another building for safety.

Mrs Strauss stood there, with Tina’s arms wrapped tightly around her. She felt awkward; there were rules about physical contact, and given this girl’s situation this was doubly wrong. But she couldn’t abandon her. Not now.

“Shhh….it’s OK, it’s OK. We’ll make this right. You’re safe now. I promise.”

She rubbed Tina’s shoulder. They stood there until Tina had cried herself out. She walked to the sinks and splashed her face with cold water to revive herself.

Mrs Strauss led her to the school office and sat her down in the waiting chair. She fetched a glass of water and went into the Head Mistress’ Office.

Having prepared the head teacher with the news, Mrs Strauss fetched Tina. She sat there with two pairs of eyes looking at her.

“Tina,” the Head Mistress (Mrs Jones), began, “we’re here to help you. I need you to tell me what’s been happening.”

Tina closed her lips firmly together.

“Tina. I know this is difficult, and I’m sorry. But we can’t help if you don’t tell us.”

“But I don’t want to get into trouble.”

“I promise you’re not going to be in trouble. I just need to know if your dad’s been harming you.”

She shook her head. “He’d never hurt me.”

“But has he touched you?”

Tina nodded. “But only because he loves me.”

“Where, Tina?”

Tina pointed to the places.

“Brave girl. Thank you for telling me. Is he due to collect you from school today?

Another nod.

“OK. Tina, I’m going to have to make a phone call. Mrs Strauss will take you to the counsellor along the corridor. Are you happy to go with her?”

Tina nodded. Mrs Jones’ heart broke for this poor young girl. She glanced at Mrs Strauss who had the same pained expression she knew was on her own face. She tilted her head in a nod and took Tina away.

Mrs Jones had to take some deep steadying breaths before she picked up the phone.

“Hello, Social Services,” came the greeting through the receiver.

Social Services in turn phoned the police. Mrs Jones’ office was getting crowded.

Two police officers had turned up, but only the female one went into the office.

Once they were all assembled and briefed on the process, Mrs Strauss brought Tina back into the office too. She turned to leave, but Tina grabbed hold of her hand. She had seen the police officer and was terrified she was going to be arrested. She’d been breaking the law.

The policewoman saw Tina’s fear and approached gently, slowly and not too close.

“Hi. Do you know something funny?”

Tina shook her head.

“My name’s Tina too. You’re not in any trouble, Tina. I’m just here to listen to what you have to say. I’m only here to help you. Understand?”

Tina nodded slowly, but not fully believing this woman.

“Come and sit down. We can just have a chat.”

Tina obeyed, and at first they started talking about everyday things, things of no consequence, so Tina felt comfortable talking.

Slowly but surely Tina told them her story. She cried the whole time. She felt like she was betraying her dad. She’d never meant to tell anyone.

But the teacher had said this was illegal, and suddenly she’d realised what he’d been doing all these years. The floodgates had opened and the words blurted out of her mouth.

The policewoman went out of the room to meet her colleague. She confirmed the girl had told her about her abuse, and they got ready to arrest Dean when he turned up.

“Is there a friend or relative you want to go home with today, Tina?”

The lady from Social Services asked. Tina shook her head and told them she just wanted to go home.

“Your mum’s been called and she’s on her way, but we’re going to have to talk with her for a while. It might be best for you to stay with a friend tonight.”

In truth, she was concerned the mother may have been ‘in on it’ and needed to investigate.

“Hermione might be OK, but daddy doesn’t like me going round there.”

The lady from Social Services thought this sounded like the perfect choice then, but kept her opinion to herself. She looked up at Mrs Jones.

“Can her parents be contacted?”

“Of course,” the Head Mistress replied. “I’ll see to it right away.”

So it was arranged, Tina went home with Hermione. She didn’t speak a word all night, and she barely touched her food.

She got dressed in one of Hermione’s spare nighties and curled up in bed, with her mind racing through her life. She was looking with fresh eyes. It was as if a veil had been lifted, and she started to see through all the lies. She was horrified.

Deborah on the other hand had received the shock of her life.

“But I’m a bloody nurse! Surely I’d know if something like this were going on in my own home?”

“It’s not always obvious,” the lady from Social Services tried to reassure her.

She was relieved that at least this mother was genuinely shocked.

“No. She must be lying. One of her friends must have put her up to it. Dean would never do anything like that.”

She felt sick to her stomach, she couldn’t begin to imagine it.

She felt like she’d been in that school office for hours.

She drove home still feeling in shock, and went into their empty house. Her husband was in the local police station.

Phew! That was heavy going! Are you still with me? That’s the worst bits over and done with. If you’ve got this far, well done.

Now some of you may be thinking ‘hoorah, now she’s safe’ and be celebrating the arrest of dastardly Dean. And yes, it was a victory but it was far from the end of Tina’s problems. In fact, you could consider it merely the beginning.

Before, Tina had been in a state of ignorance, or at least denial. But the truth she learned that day in school hit her as surely as a dagger driving into her gut. Her pain, now realised, began haemorrhaging out of Tina like a waterfall of blood. The full realisation had hit hard indeed.

The next morning Hermione’s mum dropped Tina off at home. Deborah managed a smile and thanked the other mother for looking after Tina, and shut the door quickly. Then her tirade began.

“What the hell were you thinking, Tina? What did you have to tell the police for? Why didn’t you speak to me? How are we supposed to pay for the house with him in prison? We could have handled this ourselves.”

These, and many other reprimands were shouted at Tina, who could only look stunned at her mother.

She was shocked at the outburst, adding to her already shocked state. Where she had been expecting comfort she found venom and coldness.

Feeling alone and unloved she stood in the hallway and cried. She tried to apologise, but no matter how hard she tried to explain she hadn’t meant to tell tales, that it “just sort of came out, and it was out of my control,” her mother remained furious.

Scared her mum may actually lash out she ran to the sanctuary of her own room. But there staring at her was the scene of her crimes (as she thought of them). Her bed loomed large, as a ghastly reminder of all that had occurred. Another place of safety had turned into her enemy.

Unable to bring herself to sit on the place of sin, she sank to the floor instead. She reached for a teddy bear from her bed to cuddle, desperate for something to hold, for anything that could console her. But the teddy had born witness to the evil doings, and she found the thing repulsive.

She had nothing and no one. She sorely wanted her dad to hold her. He had supposedly been her support, but she felt sick as she realised how wrong it was to want him.

He was not her comforter and never had been.

She let her shoulders fall forwards onto the floor, and wailed into the carpet. She cried out in pain, in distress, and in utter confusion. Her whole body shuddered with sobs, and she could barely draw breath. Snot poured from her nose, but she didn’t care.

Her screams continued with each tiny intake of breath.

She blamed herself entirely; she hadn’t stopped her dad when she ‘should’ have, she had told the teachers, she had got him arrested, and now her mum hated her.

She had no real friends at school. She was utterly alone.

The darkness whirled around her and closed in. There was nothing but black in her world, with not one slither of light or hope. What had she done?

“Why God, why?” came her cry. But nobody answered.

Eventually, with the realisation it wouldn’t change anything, Tina managed to calm her breathing and finally stopped crying. She sat up and hugged her knees to her, her head resting on them.

She had to figure out what to do. Where did she go from here? But she couldn’t think. Her mind was full of flashbacks, her memories of what she’d believed to be love and affection were poisoned with hate and evil.

Each memory passed through her mind like a parade of despicable acts. She felt dirty and unclean. She took herself into the bathroom and turned on the shower.

At first the water felt refreshing, but the effect soon wore off, and she turned the temperature up. She got a bar of soap and a scrubber and tried to scrub off the uncleanliness of what had happened.

She scrubbed and scrubbed until her skin was red raw and started bleeding, but still the filth seemed to cling to her. She even tried putting the soap inside of her, as if that could clean her. But that too failed.

She felt like a vessel of grime that nothing could ever make clean again. She gave up and towelled herself off.

She went back to her room and put on the baggiest jumper and jogging bottoms she could find.

Tina’s mum knocked on her door at lunchtime. Receiving no answer she left the plate of sandwiches and cup of tea outside the room, and called through the door so Tina knew her lunch was there.

It remained untouched. Tina wasn’t hungry. She didn’t want food. She wanted nothing that would sustain this hateful existence.

Her mum replaced the untouched lunch with dinner in the evening. But that too went untouched.

In truth, Deborah had no idea what to say to her daughter. She felt disgusted at both of them. She had questions, like how long it had been going on, but she didn’t feel like she could ask.

She had no words of comfort. She needed some of her own. She felt the betrayal of her husband and felt guilty that she hadn’t known.

She hated that she’d not been there for her daughter, despised her job, and loathed herself.

She felt angry at Dean for what he’d done. No, there were no words she could find to speak to the girl.

The next day was a Sunday, but she had to go to work. She called through the door to Tina that she was being left alone.

“Bye,” was the abrupt yet quiet answer.

Tina spent all weekend in her room, not eating. She managed to drink some water. She brought a cup of tea straight back up when she’d tried to drink it.

Monday morning came, and Deborah dragged Tina off the floor. She hadn’t slept in her bed still.

“You’ve got to go to school,” Deborah barked, when Tina tried to refuse.

“I can’t. They’ll know. They’ll hate me. They’ll tease me.”

“Well you should have thought of that before opening your big mouth. Come on, get dressed.”

Tina reluctantly shoved on her school uniform. She looked a mess. Her eyes were red and swollen. Her hair had barely been brushed. Her clothes were untidy.

She shuffled her way out of her mum’s car and up the path into school. She felt all eyes turn to her as she walked that path of shame.

Her head was hung low, as she tried to avoid making eye contact. She went straight to her form room, and tried to hide herself away at her desk in the corner.

A few other students were already in the room. They stared, but nobody spoke to her.

“Are you alright?” her form tutor asked.

Tina nodded and drew her arms around her middle.

“I think Mrs Jones wanted to see you. Have you spoken to her?”

Tina shook her head ‘no’. She made her way to the Head Teacher’s office.

The secretary smiled encouragingly and pointed to the chair where she was to wait.

A couple of minutes later Mrs Jones popped her head around her door and beckoned Tina to go in.

Tina’s eyes went wide, as she was faced with yet more horrific memories. This is where she had revealed the hideous truth. Why hadn’t she just been able to remain quiet?

Mrs Jones explained that the school counsellor was coming to collect Tina. She didn’t have to attend any lessons that morning.

She walked along in silence at the side of Miss Nodin, the counsellor. Tina was terrified she was going to say something that was going to make this whole situation worse.

Tina sat down on the low, soft, brown chair in the counsellor’s room. Having shut the door, Miss Nodin took her place opposite Tina. There was a glass of water and tissues on the table.

“Welcome Tina. I just want to let you know that you can tell me anything in this room. I won’t tell anyone else. This session is just for you, so you can talk about anything you want. The only time I would need to tell anyone else is if you are at risk of harm to yourself or others, but I would talk to you before I do that.

“You’re safe here. My number one rule is that it’s absolutely OK to cry, and there’s tissues if you need them. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, and nothing you can say that will shock me. I’ve been doing this a long time. I am here to listen, not judge. I understand you’re going through a really difficult time, but it might help if you talk about it.”

Tina looked the woman up and down, and narrowed her eyes. How did she know she could trust her? What if she accidentally said something wrong?

So many what ifs went through that poor girl’s mind. She sat there in silence, going through all the possibilities.

Miss Nodin just sat there quietly and patiently. She could see Tina’s inner struggle.

Finally Tina found the courage to open her mouth.

“I can tell you anything?”

“Yes.”

“And you won’t tell the police?”

“No. Not unless you’re in danger.”

“But my dad’s already been arrested so I’m not in danger.”

“Right.”

“So, how does this work? What do you want to know?”

“This is your space, Tina. You can talk about what you want and need to talk about. You don’t have to amuse me. Just talk.”

“I don’t really know where to start. I mean, you already know what my dad’s done.”

“I do.”

“So, what’s there to talk about?”

“How are you feeling, Tina?”

And with that one simple question Tina’s counselling journey began.

Over the course of time she opened up, but there was always something left unsaid, that Tina wasn’t ready to admit to, even to herself.

At school, Tina had withdrawn even more into herself. She tried to be inconspicuous, it was as if she were a shadow or a ghost, just on the periphery of what the other kids were doing.

One boy had yelled at her in the playground one day, “Look, it’s the whore! Hey Tina, how much do you charge?”

His friends had joined in and laughed at her. She had run away, tears streaming down her face, cheeks burning with shame at what the other kids thought of her.

She barely spoke to anyone. And although she could have a civil conversation with her mum, the relationship was very strained.

The counselling helped her to function academically, but socially she couldn’t talk to anyone. She wanted to move away, to escape from everyone that knew her ugly truth, to start again somewhere, but her mum refused.

Deborah was exhausting herself, trying to take on extra shifts at work to make ends meet, so they wouldn’t lose the house.

The house itself demanded to be kept clean, and then she had to cope with a girl she no longer knew. She would often give Tina money so she could buy food on her walk home from school.

Tina would often end up cooking said food and doing the washing up. She desperately wanted to please her mum, to win back her love. But nothing she did seemed good enough.

Tina was tidying up one day, and returned a pair of her mum’s shoes that she’d left lying around to her wardrobe. A bag fell down and as she picked it up she saw it was opened halfway.

She recognised it as one of her dad’s bags. Curious, she peeked inside. It was stuffed with money. She gasped in surprise. There was hundreds, no thousands of pounds in there.

She showed her mum as soon as she returned home from work.

Instead of being pleased, her mum berated her for snooping. She was angry at yet another obvious betrayal of her husband. He’d obviously been hiding this money from her.

Was there no end to this nightmare? Who had she married? What was this monster? Well, she’d jolly well use the money to keep her house.

She counted the money when she was alone; it really was quite a hoard. It would mean she didn’t have to do extra shifts at least. The financial burden was eased. She hid it somewhere safe.

The police had already been in the house and confiscated the computer. Goodness knows how they missed this. She was just glad they had. And she certainly didn’t want them to discover it if they had to come back for a full search.

It took a very long time, but at last her dad’s trial date arrived. Her father had pleaded ‘not guilty’ in the hopes of staying out of prison.

He’d denied the accusations, thinking there was no physical evidence and this may help clear his name.

Part of him was ashamed of what he’d done, but he couldn’t bear the thought of incarceration.

The police had brought in Victim Support to help Tina deal with the court process. They help victims of many types of crime, and are well versed in the reporting of childhood abuse cases.

Deborah had refused their offered assistance for herself, feeling she didn’t deserve their help.

Tina was to go into a video link room, so she didn’t have to face her tormentor in the actual courtroom. This was supposed to make her feel better, but she was still terribly nervous as she was led into the Live Link room on trembling legs.

She sat down with the person from Victim Support and was indeed well supported, but it was still an ordeal.

Tina had to give an account of all that had happened to her. She broke down in tears as she divulged the details.

She thanked the heavens that she didn’t have to look at her father as she denounced him.