Brothers (71 page)

After this incident Baldy Li viewed the medical record of his vasec-tomy operation as a great treasure and thought it was truly fortunate that he had decided, in a fit of anger, to have the operation. He had never imagined that it would save him so much trouble. He carefully tore the page documenting his vasectomy out of the booklet, had a framer mount it, then hung it right between his masterpieces by Qi Baishi and Zhang Daqian.

The townspeople agreed that Baldy Li's decision to have a vasectomy had been a stroke of genius. Just think, if he hadn't had the vasectomy, then who knows how many little Baldy Lis might be running
around in every street and alley, including perhaps a few big-nosed, blond-haired, and blue-eyed ones?

Then everyone let their imaginations go wild as they invented a prehistory for Baldy Li's operation, transforming into something truly legendary the tale of his decision to have the vasectomy after having had his heart broken. They told how he had taken a rope and tied it around his neck and tried to hang himself from a tree branch, but how neither the rope nor the branch held, and consequently he fell to the ground and ended up with a mouthful of mud. Next they described how he tried to drown himself in the river, but after jumping in, he remembered that he actually
did
know how to swim and therefore wasn't able to drown himself. They imagined him climbing out of the river and cursing, "I can't seem to fucking kill myself!" So he returned home and removed his pants, took out his penis and placed it on the cutting board, picked up the cleaver, and was about to lop it off when he suddenly had to take a piss. When he returned from the bathroom, he discovered that he couldn't bear to part with his penis after all. Therefore, he went to look for a razor blade to slice off his balls, but he discovered that they were so terrified they had shrunken up. Baldy Li therefore felt sorry for them and couldn't bring himself to slice them off. It was only then that he went to the hospital to have the vasectomy.

Now that Baldy Li's vasectomy from a decade earlier was brought to light, the people of Liu once again started paying attention to Lin Hong. Many would point, feeling sorry for her, shaking their heads at her fate. Some of the women of Liu liked to gloat over other people's misfortunes, and they sniffed that Lin Hong might appear clever but was actually quite stupid, while others sighed that this was just another instance
of beauty being often cursed with a harsh fate.
But some of the men of Liu Town tried to defend her, saying that no one could have anticipated what would happen, and even a fortune-teller can only predict other people's futures but not his own. They said that if everyone could predict the future, the emperors of the past would never have lost their mandate of power, and Lin Hong would never have given up Baldy Li.

CHAPTER 57

W
RITER LIU
, one of Liu Towns two Men of Talent, had attended the hearing at the courthouse, where he saw firsthand that hilarious scene and heard with his own ears Baldy Li's heartfelt speech. Writer Liu was so excited that night that he couldn't sleep, feeling that he had stumbled across a once-in-a-lifetime story. Therefore, he climbed out of bed, got dressed, and proceeded to spend the entire night writing a lengthy article entitled "Millionaire Crying Out for Love." In his article, Writer Liu deployed the Lofty, Expansive, and Thorough rhetorical precepts to embellish Baldy Li's story. He prettified Baldy Li's having slept with hundreds of women into his having had his heart broken by hundreds of women. He wrote that Baldy Li had fervently sought his romantic ideal in each of these encounters, but each time he found himself entangled not with a virgin but, rather, with a slut.

Writer Liu also sought to trace the source of Baldy Li's woes to his traumatic childhood—transforming the adventures of a fourteen-year-old Baldy Li peeping at bare bottoms in the public toilet into a tale of tragic victimhood. He recounted how the young Baldy Li had entered the latrine, squatted down, and grunted a couple of times; and how, before he had even started to defecate, his key accidentally slid out of his pants pocket and fell into the cesspool below. As he was leaning down to look for it, a certain Mr. Zhao came in and, ignoring Baldy Li's protests, grabbed him and accused him of being a Peeping Tom, then paraded him up and down the streets and alleys of Liu. Under Writer Liu's pen, Liu Town's other Man of Talent, Poet Zhao, was transformed into an anonymous Mr. Zhao, a hopelessly confused fellow who couldn't tell his ass from a hole in the ground. Writer Liu movingly described how a pure youth thereby became besmirched by false accusations, and how that youth unexpectedly didn't fall into depravity but, rather, from an early age simply bit his lip, endured the unjust humiliation, and grew up to exert himself for the sake of others, finally succeeding in building a vast business empire.

This article was initially published in the city's evening paper. When
Baldy Li read it, he was very satisfied, especially with the part describing how his key had fallen out of his pocket and how he had leaned over to try to fish it out of the cesspool. Baldy Li repeatedly praised the article, pounding the table with his left hand as he waved the newspaper with his right hand and shouting, "That bastard Writer Liu is truly talented. With this key, he has single-handedly redressed Liu Towns most notorious false accusation!" Grinning, Baldy Li proclaimed, "When it comes to history, the truth will always win out."

Baldy Li did have one small complaint about the title of the article. He held up five fingers and said that he had at least fifty million yuan in personal assets, so how was it that Writer Liu described him as being a mere
millionaire?
However, he didn't make a big deal about this and reasoned to one of his underlings, "For someone who has never seen much money, its impressive that he should even be able to write the word
million."

Within two months Writer Liu's article had been reprinted in several hundred local papers and tabloids throughout the country. With each reprinting it continued to evolve, and the title was changed to "Multimillionaire Crying Out for Love." When Baldy Li read this, from a small town hundreds of
li
away from Liu, he was even more pleased with the new title and declared, "This article was written with an attention to pursuing truth from facts."

After Writer Liu's article had circulated throughout the entire nation, it finally returned to Liu, appearing in a provincial paper, though this time the headline had been upgraded to "Billionaire Crying Out for Love." When Baldy Li read this, he laughed modestly. "That is a bit of an exaggeration."

Writer Liu had never imagined that his article would be reprinted so many times—the number of newspapers it had appeared in was almost as large as the number of women Baldy Li had slept with. After all these years Writer Liu finally became famous and was finally able to vent his long-standing frustration at having no one know who he was. With a broad smile he walked down the main street of Liu Town waving a money order and telling everyone he met, "Every day I receive a money order and have to go to the post office." Then he sighed loudly. "It's exhausting being a celebrity."

After the article made Writer Liu famous, Poet Zhao regretted that he hadn't also gone to the courthouse to observe the proceedings and that he hadn't been the one to write an article about Baldy Li. Poet
Zhao pointed to the part of the article describing the young Baldy Li in the public toilet and resentfully told the townspeople, "That was my story to tell! Writer Liu stole it from me."

Liu's two Men of Talent were bound to run into each other eventually and they finally did at the opening ceremony of Blacksmith Tongs supermarket. By that point, Blacksmith Tong already owned three stores, but seeing newfangled stores known as supermarkets pop up all over China like bamboo shoots after a spring shower, he advanced with the times and opened a
32,000
-square-foot supermarket of his own. He then set about orchestrating a truly extravagant opening ceremony. Unable to persuade County Governor Tao Qing to appear in person, he instead settled for the county governors secretary; and similarly unable to persuade the bureau directors, he instead settled for inviting the section chiefs. Baldy Li, who was occupied with his business and interviews, was also unable to come, but he sent an enormous floral arrangement. Yanker Yu was aboard the Eurostar train en route from Milan to Paris at the time, but when he crossed the Swiss border, he sent a congratulatory telegram, asking Popsicle Wang to read it aloud at the grand opening. Wang, however, discovered that he wasn't able to read it, since two lines of text were in a foreign language, and he didn't even know whether it was Italian or French. Blacksmith Tong excitedly took the note from him and waved it to the crowd, saying, "Even foreign friends have sent congratulatory telegrams!"

Blacksmith Tong also invited Liu Town's two society notables, Writer Liu and Poet Zhao. When Zhao spotted Liu, his face turned dark, while Writer Liu was all smiles. The two stood side by side without saying a word. For a while they coexisted peaceably in this manner, but as Blacksmith Tong was introducing his honored guests, he inadvertently opened up a can of worms. Tong first gestured to Writer Liu and said, "This is the author of the famous ‘Millionaire Crying Out for Love.'" The crowd erupted in applause, and Writer Liu beamed.

Blacksmith Tong then introduced Poet Zhao: "And this is Mr. Zhao, a pivotal figure in ‘Millionaire Crying Out for Love.'" The crowd sat on their hands, instead greeting Zhao with a chorus of snorts and laughs.

Ever since he had been cast as "a certain Mr. Zhao" in Writer Liu's article, Poet Zhao had been absolutely furious, and now that Blacksmith Tong had introduced him in this way, Zhao found that he
couldn't restrain himself any longer. Pointing at Writer Liu, he complained bitterly, "If you had any guts whatsoever, you would simply have written ‘Poet Zhao,’ but since you are a total coward, you hid behind the vague ‘a certain Mr. Zhao.'"

Writer Liu smiled broadly and urged Poet Zhao not to get angry: "Be careful about getting so upset at your age. You might have a stroke."

Liu's thinly veiled barb made Zhao's formerly pale face flush red with fury. Poet Zhao accused Writer Liu in front of everyone, demanding, "This was clearly my story, so what right did you have to write about it?"

"What do you mean, this was your story?" Writer Liu feigned ignorance.

"Baldy Li's peeking at women's bottoms in the public toilet was clearly my story to tell." Poet Zhao pointed at the assembled crowds and added, "All of Liu's men and women of a certain age will surely remember that I was the one who caught him, and that it was I who marched him through the streets."

"You are correct." Writer Liu nodded. "Baldy Li's peeking at women's bottoms was indeed your story to tell. But I didn't write about that. I wrote about Baldy Li's search for his dropped key—and that was
my
story."

The crowds burst into laughter and agreed that Writer Liu had a point. Poet Zhao was left speechless, and his face drained of color once again. Observing the two squabbling with each other, Blacksmith Tong became anxious that they not ruin his grand opening, so he gestured for the fireworks to start. With one loud blast of the fireworks, the crowd promptly forgot Writer Liu and Poet Zhao and ran over to watch the display.

Writer Liu's article made Baldy Li famous throughout the country, and countless newspaper reporters and television personalities descended upon Liu Town. As soon as Baldy Li opened his eyes in the morning, he found himself having to give interviews; and when he lay down to sleep at night he was awakened by a distant reporter calling on his cell phone for an interview. At the height of the media frenzy there were four cameras filming him, twenty-three flashbulbs flashing, and thirty-four reporters crowding around, asking him questions.

Baldy Li was as excited as a little dog finding a pile of juicy bones.
He recognized that this was a once-in-a-century business opportunity, and therefore in answering the reporters’ questions about love, he opportunistically switched the subject back to his businesses. After making a few grand pronouncements about love, he immediately changed the topic to his tragically impoverished youth. He explained that the reason he was nicknamed Baldy Li was that his mother would always tell the barber to shave him bald, because the family was too poor to afford frequent haircuts. In describing his childhood, Baldy Li would always start crying. Wiping his tears, he thanked Deng Xiao-pings Reform and Opening Up Campaign, thanked the Party and the nation, as well as all of his compatriots. After offering his thanks, he launched into the tale of how he got his start in business and how he had created the magnificent empire he had today. At this point he put up his hands and modestly explained that he by no means thought of his own business empire as
magnificent
but, rather, he was simply echoing the language the press had used in describing it.

From that point on, whenever Baldy Li appeared in the media, it was no longer as a man forsaken by love but as the very model of a business titan. He proved himself worthy of his reputation and soon had twisted all the papers in the country around to the subject of his business ventures. In this way, his corporation also became famous, and countless investment checks followed closely on the reporters’ heels, followed in turn by countless business partners. Millionaires from throughout China, from Hong Kong, Macao, and Taiwan, and even from overseas Chinese communities, wanted to invest and open new factories and companies with Baldy Li. All levels of the government also enthusiastically supported him. Whereas before it would take him a year or two to get a new venture approved, now he could get permits issued within the month.

During those heady days Baldy Li would sleep only two or three hours a night. Between interviews and business dealings, he would hand out and accept dozens of business cards. In the past, many of the people who came to do business with him turned out to be swindlers, but Baldy Li could tell at a glance who genuinely wanted to collaborate with him and who merely wanted to get their hands on his money. His eyes would often narrow to a squint when he did business, to the point that people would think he had fallen asleep, though in reality he was more clearheaded than anyone else. He was willing to collaborate with
anyone but on the condition that they first deposit their collaborative capital in his own corporations bank account. Anyone imagining that Baldy Li would allow his own capital to be accessible was delusional: He wouldn't let the swindlers get close enough to smell his farts, much less touch his money.