Burned (15 page)

Sorry to say breakfast is more of dinner, only staler. But I'm

betting you two are hungry.

Hungry, why? Exactly

how much did she know?

Surely she hadn't witnessed the vivid scene the night

before! Had she seen us

sleeping head to shoulder?

Ethan excused himself and wandered over behind the deadfall. Aunt J took the opportunity to observe,

Hope you got a little sleep.

It's a decent ride home.

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I scooted out of my

bedroll, drew closer to the morning campfire. So

much I wanted to say, but where to start? I settled

for, "Thanks, Aunt J."

Her eyes, honest, took hold of my own.

Nothing to thank me

for. Just keep on shining

that light. The rest will

take care of itself.

290

Without Cattle to Keep Track Of

The ride home was more

relaxed.

Even Old Poncho

seemed more at ease, swaying his head as he clomped along.

Ethan

kept his black close by my side, and I, for the first time in my life, felt like anything was possible, everything

right.

For five hours, in fact, I

felt so fine I didn't once

overanalyze the perfect

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emotion, budding

inside. The

one

I'd always

feared most.

292

C
losing In on Home

Aunt J reined in Paprika.

Ethan, Pattyn has never really had a taste of a good horse underneath her. Put her on back and give her a dose, would you?

I climbed up behind him, shaking slightly, both at the idea of what was to come, and the idea of cinching

my arms tight around him.

The black didn't much

care for the notion' of double, but Ethan was most definitely in control. The horse

tensed as Ethan said,
Fasten your seat helt.

I did as instructed, wrapping myself around him like duct tape. Aunt J took

charge of Poncho as Ethan urged Diego

forward. Two Steps and we hit a dead gallop.

God, what a feeling! Beneath a layer of denim, the gelding's muscles

flexed and pulsed as we picked up speed.

I buried my face in Ethan's shirt, closed my eyes.

293

I was Aying, no less than an eagle.

I was belly to back with the most incredible

man in the world, a man who had kissed me like I never expected to be kissed. Ever.

I was the luckiest girl in the world.

Deep in my brain, I heard Aunt J's words.

True lovefinds you once, if you're lucky.

Had true love come knocking at my door?

294

Back at the Ranch

Ethan clearly didn't want to leave right away, and Aunt J, bless her heart, said,

I appreciate your help. Least I can

do is offer you a hot supper.

Shouldn't take long.

Ethan and I walked the horses, cooling them down before letting

them eat or drink.

We paced in a large circle, side by side, letting our bodies

touch, loving the touch.

Ethan was warmth in the cooling

night, a lantern in drawing darkness.

Yet my high began to sink.

The events of the last two days had

left me breathless. I wanted more.

Did I expect too much?

Ethan had something on his mind.

I could almost hear the churn of words inside his head.

My heart lifted into my throat.

Everything felt so right.

Would he tell me instead it was wrong?

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As If Reading My Mind

Ethan stopped, took my hand.

Pattyn, hold on a second.

I'm not really sure what came over me . . .

No! Please no? Oh God, not

"had to happen sometime."

My face must have crumbled.

No, no. I'm not saying I made a mistake. Itjust happened so fast.

Fallingfor you, I mean.

Falling? In love? In lust? Where

eise could you fall? Without answers,

I didn't know what to say.

The first time I saw you--at the grocery

störe that day-^-there was something
about you. Something sad, deep down sad. . .

How could I forget that day?

The day my father abandoned me.

The day I would forever thank him for.

But there was also a touch of redemption.

I wondered how the two could coexist in the same soul. I was so sad myself. . . .

How could he have seen all that in just one passing glance? On that

day I didn't feel very redeemed.

296

I wanted to know you. When I saw you
with your Aunt Jeanette, I knew

I'd get my chance.

Ethan pulled me into his arms, kissed

my forehead. I looked up into his eyes and found my answers.

Ijust want you tofeel the same

way. If you want me to hack off, slow things down, I will. .

I shook my head. "Don't back

off, Ethan." I reached up, put

my arms around his neck, and this time
I
kissed
him.

297

J
ournal Entry, June 19

I can't
sleep. Maybe I'll

never sleep again. Does your

brain ever shut down, once

you fall in love?

Am I in love?

It surefeels like love.

Ethan is everything any girl

could ask for. And he promises he wants me. Why nie?

Shut up, Pattyn. Quit asking

that question. Why even

care why he wants you?

Isn't it enough that he does?

I know guys lie.

Enjoy the game.

But I have to believe

Ethan is different.

Do his eyes lie?

His kisses?

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When he kisses me, it's like heing hörn again.

Born where love isn't

just a word, but something

alive, throbbing with life.

That's how Ifeel tonight.

Throbbing with life.

Did Mom and Dad ever

feel like this?

For each other?

I want to believe it.

But I can't.

299

Ethan Started Stopping By

Every evening on his way home.

June was a hazy blur of days with Aunt J, mostly spent in nervous anticipation of evenings with Ethan.

Aunt J never said a disapproving

word, but after a week or so, she did offer an obligatory warning.

You two seem to be getting

serious. I can't expect you to keep saying no. But I hope

you know how to be careful.

Up till then, I hadn't had to say no.

Ethan treated me with nothing but respect. But things had definitely heated up.

A time or two, cradled in his lap, kissing until his desire became

obvious, I had almost wanted to.

But even though most of me

300

was a new, liberated Pattyn, traces of the old, conservative Pattyn

lingered, hard to shake off.

The next-to-the-last diing I wanted was a baby. The very last thing

I wanted was ever having to tell

my dad I was pregnant.

301

Thursday, June 29

Kicked off the extra-long

Fourth of July weekend.

It also happened to be

my seventeenth birthday.

I truly expected a card from Mom and Dad.

Never arrived.

Never even got a call.

To be fair, Jackie sent a card a few days late.

Said girls' camp was entertaining, especially

when they tried to freak

everyone out with scary

stories about Satan

dropping in overnight.

She said Mom was about as big as a dairy cow,

'Lyssa had her first period,

Teddie had her first crush,

Davie got straight A's,

Roberta lost her two front teeth,

Georgia still sucked her thumb, and Dad was meaner than ever.

302

Everything pissed him off.

The window he had to pay

for, the ER bill he had to pay for, tithing 10 percent

when everything was up

10 percent and he had a new baby

Coming. Diapers were up 10 percent.

And Johnnie was up 20 percent.

I wanted to write her back, tell her none of that mattered, that out here in the real world were people like Aunt J. And

Ethan. I wanted to tell her everything about him.

But I knew any letter from me

would never get past my dad.

303

Back to My Birthda

What a celebration Aunt J planned!

We would drive into Cedar City, Utah,

(the nearest "big city") for a shopping

spree. Later, Ethan would join us for dinner and a movie. A movie!

Wal-Mart served as Cedar City's

unofficial "mall." And that was close

enough for me. Stuff. Tons and tons of stuff. Just looking at all that stuff made me kind of delirious.

Sure, I'd been to Wal-Mart before, but never after weeks of feed stores and mini-marts. Aunt J planned on stocking the pantry, and I planned on having a great time helping her.

We strolled along the clothing aisle, commenting on summer fashions.

Aunt J insisted I model blouses and shorts and jeans. Anything I

liked went into the Shopping cart.

304

I couldn't believe it. Store-bought

clothes were like gold in my house.

Owning Wally's was as good as owning Old Navy or even Macy's.

And, hey, they carried Wranglers.

But there was more. Books. Music-- a small CD player and discs to go in it. Pricey shampoo and sweet-

smelling lotion. Makeup. I tried to protest, but Aunt J wouldn't listen.

It makes me happy to see a smile on your face. Besides, Fve got money

growing mold in the hank. Might as well spend a little before I die.

305

We Spent More Than a Little

I won't confess exactly how much, but I'd never before seen a register

ring up a total like that.

(Not even a week's worth

Shopping trip for a family of nine!)

On the way to dinner, I slithered into a new pair of jeans--my very first.

Is there anything quite as wonderful as developing a relationship with brand-new jeans?

Above them went a crocheted shell, soft turquoise in color. Even I had to admit it looked great over the tan of my arms.

(Not to mention muscles, newly

defined by yard work.)

Above that went a light brush of coral blush

(Aunt J said the color went best with my skin tone) and a stroke or two of soft black mascara.

306

Somehow I managed it with only the tiniest smear.

And when I stepped down from the pickup,

I felt a year older. A decade wiser.

Prettier than
I'd
ever believed I could feel.

That's how Ethan saw me when he found us at the restaurant.

307

They Say the World Sees You

As you see yourself, and that night I saw myself in a different way.

Pretty. Almost desirable.

Ethan's eyes told me I was both. And more.

He kissed me. In front of the whole restaurant.
Happy birthday, Pattyn.

We had so much fun at dinner--authentic Mexican cuisine, the real deal.

Before that night, Taco Bell

had defined my total experience with Mexican food.

I let Aunt J order for me.

"Anything but tacos, please. I want to try something new."

Steak fajitas arrived at the table, sizzling and steaming in a cast-iron skillet.

I polished them off and just

I finished up, our waitress plopped a sombrero on my head.

308

Another waitress joined her, carrying three plates of flan. One had a candle in the middle.

They sang "Feliz Cumpleanos," the Mexican equivalent of "Happy Birthday," and everyone clapped.

And as we left for the movie, it crossed my mind that 1 didn't really need a birthday card from home.

309

Aunt J Surprised Me Agai