Authors: Ellen Hopkins
Tags: #Psychopathology, #Psychology, #Family, #Family problems, #Social Issues, #Drugs; Alcohol; Substance Abuse, #General, #Parents, #Addiction, #Fiction, #Juvenile Fiction, #Novels in verse, #Problem families, #Dysfunctional families, #Aunts, #Christianity, #Religion, #Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormon), #alcoholism, #Teenage girls, #Christian, #Self-Esteem & Self-Reliance, #Identity, #Mystery & Detective, #Sex, #Mormons, #Physical & Emotional Abuse, #Values & Virtues, #Nevada, #Religious, #Identity (Psychology)
Ethan Sprinted Toward Me
I think he was yelling something, but I'm not really sure.
Because right about then, the ground
reached out and grabbed me.
Then everyone came running, yelling and asking questions:
What happened? You got him?
Are you all right?
Mark and Mike took charge of the cat corpse.
Aunt J and Ethan took charge of me, or wanted to.
They tried to help me to my feet, but I shook them off, insisted I could take care of myself.
Like
I'd
really proved
that,
hadn't I?
356
I'm Not Sure Why
I felt so angry, but on the ride
home, I didn't sit plastered to Ethan, and I barely said one word.
Finally, he asked,
Okay, what's wrong?
I shook my head. "I just can't
believe how stupid I was. If it wasn't for you ..."
He reached over and pulled
me closer.
Everything's okay.
"No, it's not. I mean, I'm
grateful to you for coming to my rescue, but. . ."
Ethan Turned and looked
me in the eye.
But what?
"But what if you hadn't been there? I should have been able to take that shot."
It was a hard shot, Pattyn,
even for someone with experience.
It was a hard shot, yes.
But, "I wasn't paying attention.
The cat got the drop on me."
357
One thing you have to remember
when hunting predators . . .
"Yes?"
It pays to be a better predator.
358
Ethan Didn't Stay
For dinner that night, sensing my need to be
alone.
I know it may sound
weird, but looking
death
square in the eye
made me question the unknown
What happens after we exhale our last
breath?
Do we really see an otherworldly
light?
Does God send
angels to guide us
home?
Or when our eyes
close, do we forfelt
sight?
And will our earthly
spirits forever
roam?
359
The Questions Ran Deeper
For me, struggling with Mormon doctrine.
According to scriptures, long pounded into my brain,
I was not worthy of the Celestial Kingdom-- the highest level of Heaven.
I had not learned the secret
codes to open that door, and I had no Mormon
husband to let me in.
And did I want the Celestial
Kingdom, anyway, where
women are relegated to polygamy and procreation, gestating new souls to fill
earthbound bodies?
Would I truly become a goddess--
albeit a baby factory goddess--
should I actuallyfind my
way to the Celestial Kingdom?
360
Would my spirit be happier
wandering the Terrestrial
Kingdom--planet Earth--
forever?
Would the almost-sins I'd
already succumbed to condemn
me to the Telestial Kingdom, the place where scumbags go?
Was Heaven something
different from all of the above?
Had that cougar killed me, where would I be now?
361
I Lay on the Bed
My head a jumble of questions that I knew
would find no answers until I actuallydied.
Fear closed in. Fear of the unknown.
Fear of what I'd been taught to be
unshakable truth.
Fear of what I hoped
would prove to be
unspeakable lies.
My very foundation shook, an earthquake in my gut.
I was all new, right?
So why did the old Pattyn
surface now?
I loved Ethan so intensely
I just might die without him.
362
But what if loving him
damned me to death, no chance of life after?
Was loving him now
enough to turn my back on etemity?
363
J
ournal Entry, July 2
I could have died today, probably would have, except
Ethan shot the cougar who had decided to make me lunch.
That made me wonder if 'there 's
one Heaven or three kingdoms, or anything at all after we die.
I have no idea what to believe.
I asked Aunt J what she believes.
She said she's come to think
there is a God, but He isn't like the God Tve been taught tofear.
"God is love," she said. "And He
respects love, whether it's between a parent and child, a man and woman, or friends. I don't think He cares about religion one little bit. Live your
life right, Pattyn. Love with all your
heart. Don't hurt others, and help
those in need. That's all you need to know. And don't worry about
Heaven. If it exists, you'll be welcome."
364
I hope God respects how I feel about Ethan. Because I love him
more than am/thing, even life itself.
365
Having Decided That
I was all smiles when he came over the next morning, pickup
packed and readied for the trip to Beaver Dam State Park.
It's gonna be hot as blazes,
Ethan said.
Grab your swimsuit.
Swimsuit? Good Mormon
girls kept their clothes on. Of
course, I wasn't exactly good, and maybe I wasn't Mormon.
Ethan must have read my mind.
I promise to be a gentleman.
Fact was, I didn't even own a swimsuit. No tanks, definitely no bikinis. "I . . .
I forgot to bring mine."
Ethan smiled.
No problem.
We can go in our underwear.
I wasn't sure about that, wasn't sure I wanted to reveal so much skin--chalk white, except for the arms and legs.
Ethan lifted me up into the truck.
Let's go. It's a long drive.
366
Not so far, distance-wise, only around thirty-five miles. But
most of that was gravel road, and slow, bumpy traveling.
I'm glad you're feeling better
today. I was worried.
"I'm
sorry, Ethan. I don't
know why I got so upset.
Half of me feels so together, the other half so confused."
Confused about what,
Pattyn? Me?
"Not about loving you, Ethan.
Just about what that means."
Did it mean damnation?
Happily ever after?
367
Ethan Was Right
It was hot as blazes.
By the time we reached the lake, around noon, the temperature
had soared well into the nineties.
The lake was blue and very small, too small for boats, so it wasn't
nearly as crowded as I'd expected.
We found a secluded place to park, hiked up under a thick stand of trees, and spread a thick blanket on a pine-needle carpet.
Ethan opened an ice chest
filled with soda and beer.
I could have chosen Coke.
I didn't.
Beer had never been my favorite, but it tasted fine, ice-cold, on such a torrid day.
Only one problem--I had
skipped breakfast. Before I knew
it, my head felt füll of bubbles and my tongue five inches thick.
368
Not that Ethan hadn't brought
food. He had--huge deli Sandwiches, carbs and protein to fend off any impending hangovers.
But that day, that hour, that moment, a blossoming buzz felt too great to fight with food.
369
So When Ethan Suggested Swimming
I didn't hesitate to Sprint down to the water's
edge. The sun attacked and my head spun and the sand threatened to blister my
feet and it all encouraged me to shed every stitch and dive into the cold, clear water.
I didn't think to do a toe
test and surfaced, sputtering.
Ethan laughed and caught me in goose-bump-covered arms, hugging
me close. All hints of self-consciousness
dissolved, and my nakedness felt delicious
wrapped in Ethan's water-chilled skin.
I love
you,
he said,
and I don't know what that
means either, only that you're the most
important thing in my life. And I
don't want to be without you.
Then he kissed me with a passion he'd not before revealed. I tasted heaven. No
doubt of this heaven, no worries about which kingdom I'd attained, only the certainty that heaven, indeed, existed, right there in our perfect union.
370
No, We Didn't Make Love
Right there in the water, but we did merge in a powerful way.
That connection, skin to skin, no barriers, touched
brain as much as body.
It was more than a physical
awakening, more than the pulse of human closeness.
Ethan felt like part of me, something that couldn't
be excised without bleeding.
Our love was beginning to feel like "forever" love, a love to carry to the grave.
And, buzzed as I was,
I knew in my heart it wasn't just the beer talking.
371
P
eople Walked By
And I could sense their eyes, trying to pry beneath the water.
I didn't care one bit if they managed to see some forbidden something.
When they were out of sight,
Ethan and I dashed for our clothes.
He put on his boxers, I put on my long
T-shirt, nothing more except sandals.
Cool and wet, we wandered back to our blanket, hand in hand.
We both had another beer, thinking
we should postpone the inevitable.
Finally, I flopped down on my back, inviting his kiss . . . and more.
If I kiss you, I won't want to stop, don't know ifl could.
372
"I know, Ethan," I whispered, scared and excited and uncertain and not unsure at all.
And so he kissed me, everywhere, making me want to say yes even more.
And he wanted me, too, and he showed
me how to make him want me more.
It all felt so right, so how it should
be, that I begged him not to stop.
But he paused, long enough to find the protection he'd brought along.
While I waited, every nerve shouted
out to be pacified. And when he did . . .
373
I Cried
It wasn't that it hurt
because, except for a brief flash of pain it all felt perfectly
wonderful, perfectly
right.
Our bodies meshed, one, incredibly in sync.
In Ethan's arms,
I knew no
fear, in this ultimate act of giving, no
foreboding.
I cried for what
I had
lost, my best-kept
secret, given away.
374
I cried for what
I had
gained, the knowledge of Eden, irrevocably
learned.
375
I
n the Aftermath
I lay shivering, bathed in oppressive heat.
Ethan's promises soothed, every syllable sweet.
He held me tightly, as if he thought
I'd
fiee.
But I could never run
fast enough to break free of the demon
I'd
unleashed.
I loved Ethan just as much as
I had a few minutes before.
In the light of what we'd shared, perhaps I loved him more.
But when I closed my eyes
I didn't see Ethan's face.
Another Silhouette appeared in that dark and dappled space.
It resembled my father.
376
Couple More Beers
Made Daddy's face disappear, but mostly because the rest of the day is pretty much a blur.
We took another icy dip, washing away evidence.
Still, I didn't feel exactly clean.
Ethan insisted I try some lunch, great deli sandwiches
that tasted like cardboard.
Then we settled down beneath low, lacy branches for a nap before driving home.
I woke, minus the buzz, plus a pounding headache. In fact, I ached in places I never knew could ache.
Yet there was Ethan, beside me, looking more incredibly beautiful than ever.
He whispered a drowsy
7
love you.
377
And I settled into his arms, minus the buzz, plus a pounding headache, and I
said, "Make love to me."
378
J
ournal Entry, July 3
Okay, we did it. Ethan and I
made love. Twice. The first
time it kind of hurt, and maybe
I had too much beer to really
understand what a big step it was. Huge.
Nothing can ever again be
exactly the same.
The second time it was better, even if I didn't feel so hot.
(My first hangover--ugh!)
Ethan is so gentle, so caring.
Derek would have attacked, done the deed, and disappeared.
I'm so glad it was Ethan.
There were a couple of bad
moments--tobe sorefor days.
And tonight the guilt train is rolling right across my brain.
When we came through the door,
Aunt J took one look and I swear
379
she knew the whole score.
That woman is psychic! Or maybe
our body language gave it away.
Tm not worried about Aunt J.
But Dad is a whole other story.
380
The Fourth of July
Dawned warm and bright.
I stayed late in bed, Covers kicked
off, not asleep but thinking about the day before.
Where did it leave Ethan and me? Would we have to make love every time we
saw each other?
Maybe I wanted that? I
did and I didn't. I mean,
I didn't want that to become