Burned (7 page)

I Thought Dad's Rant Was Bad

I mean, he went on and on about

"what boys want" and what should happen to boys if they manage to get what they want.

(A very ugly--not to mention painful--picture.)

Then he took away my rifle and told me it would be a warm day in Antarctica before I left the house again.

But Bishop Crandall, sitting smug behind his tall teak desk, made me want to scream. After an hour of his reminding

me of a woman's role,

I couldn't stand it anymore.

So I interrupted, "Is it a woman's role to keep silent when her husband hits her?"

If I was looking for shock value,

I was looking in the wrong place.

Violence is never right. But a man

has a duty to keep his wife in check.

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In check? Like Mom had ever asked to go anywhere or do anything other than wait on Dad and us kids?

He nailed me.
I hope you're not

accusing your father of such thing

His tone made me waver. But I

didn't quite buckle. "What if I am?"

He leveled me.
Then Tel call you a liar, with nothing to gain and everything to lose.

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Censored

I went home, withdrew to my room, sulked

all afternoon, stressed over what life

would be like emptied of Derek, drained of laughter, strangled by rules I'd

happily broken.

Depressed,

I put my pillow over my head

Forgetting

tears were out of bounds and let

myself cry.

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J
ournal Entry, May 7

Life isn't fair.

I finally find

someone special and they want to take him

away from me.

Mom says I

should have a boyfriend.

Why does he have to be

Mormon?

Dad says I

shouldn't

even think about boys.

Yeah, right.

What am I, brain-dead?

Bishop Crandall

says one day

I'll have to obey

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my husband.

No talk of love.

Can "love and obey"

possibly go

together?

All I know

is, I'm old

enough to make my own

decisions. They won't

take Derek

away from me.

I won't let them.

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turned Out

Derek gave me no other choice.

I saw him at school the next day, smiled and waved him over.

He half-waved back, turned, and walked off with Justin.

I ran to catch up with them.

"Derek? Can I talk to you?

What's the matter?"

' He spun.
The matter is you and your crazy father.

"I don't think he acted so crazy."

Even if he did, what did that

have to do with me?

Give us a minute, okay, Justin?

Derek led me to a deserted corner.

I'd never had a boyfriend before, so I'd never been dumped before.

But I knew where this was headed.

Patty, you know I care about you.

But your dad made it very clear

that I'd better leave you alone.

I shook my head. "I never heard

anything like that, Derek."

Tears dammed up behind my lashes.

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He came over to my house, Patty.

He said if I ever "hother" you again, he'll kill me. And I believe him.

The tears leaked out. Derek

tried to hug me, but I pushed him

away. "So that's it? Just good-bye?"

Has to be. Any way, it was bound to happen sooner or later.

Sorry, Patty. See ya around.

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Dismissed

I'm quiet-tempered by nature, but anger boiled up inside me.

I didn't know who to be

angrier with--Dad, or Derek.

What did he mean,

"bound to happen"?

Was it something he'd

planned all along?

Who eise knew?

I'd never used a cuss word

before, but two or three

popped into my mind and I chose the worst.

"Fuck you!"

Derek just shook his head and kept on Walking, and that only made

me angrier yet.

"I said, FUCK YOU!"

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Everyone anywhere within shouting distance turned to stare at Pattyn

Von Stratten, gone completely nuts.

Derek turned the corner, slithered right out of my

life. And it was all

my dad's fault.

Wasn't it?

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I Wasn't in Love with Der

So why, all of a sudden, did I

feel like I couldn't live without him?

Why did I feel like
I'd
just taken a cannonball to the gut?

Why did a sudden urge to hurt something

become so overwhelming?

I picked up my backpack, weighty with books, did a 180 and let it fly.

In my wildest imagination, I could never

have guessed the trajectory it would choose.

Thunk! Tinkle . . . tinkle.
My backpack went

straight through the library s picture window.

Good thing no one was on the other side.

Ms. Rose came running.

She saw me, tears reflecting my disbelief.

Her own eyes held pure shock.

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"I'm so sorry, Ms. Rose ..." I blubbered.

"I didn't mean ... I mean . . . it just slipped .

She told me she was sorry too, then

escorted me to the office.

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I' d Never Been to the Office

Except to turn in absence notes or take a phone call from home.

But never like this.

Never in shame.

And when Mr. Scoffield called

my mom, she couldn't believe

what he told her.

What she was hearing.

And when she passed on the news to my dad--that he would be buying a $500 window--he flipped.

Lost it completely.

For the first time ever, he slapped me, hard, like he'd done to Mom a thousand times.

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Defiance rose up like vomit.

I swung back and yelled,

"Don't ever do that again!"

He caught my arm.

Held it midair, and I found in his eyes conflicting emotions--

something almost like apology, and something very much like satisfaction.

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Communication

Was never big in my house.

We sat down together over dinner, but the only sound

you'd hear was crunching and chewing and the little

ones asking for more, please.

We lived, all boxed up in invisible Containers. We

hardly knew the people

we called sister or father.

ackie and I were the exceptions to that rule.

But now even she and I were afraid to reach out to each other. I couldn't

blame her. Associate, with a pariah, you become an outcast too. Don't you?

Dad always lived angry.

Now he lived furious.

Mom settled for passive; she withdrew further into

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her shell. The girls sensed the need for quiet play.

As for me, I barely

said one word. Not at home. Not at school. For sure

not at seminary.

My little box

grew smaller and smaller, until there was only part of me inside.

The sad part.

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A
Week Went By

The school year was drawing to a close. Usually, I couldn't wait for summer vacation. But what

did I have to look forward to this year?

Jackie would be off to girls' camp, not a pleasant experience for me, but she was jazzed, which only made me more

jealous that I'd be locked up at home.

Not even the desert to take refuge

in, unless I could somehow convince

Dad to loosen the reins. No stallions near this mare's pasture. Not anymore.

Every time I saw Derek at school, laughing with Justin or Brent, while refusing to even acknowledge

me, I got mad. Royally pissed.

Then came the day I saw him with Carmen, arm possessively around her waist. As I watched, she reached up and kissed him.

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A flare went off inside my head.

I swear, my eyes filmed over, red.

Bishop Crandall told me Satan was to blame for the things I did with Derek.

Satan had nothing to do with that, of course, but he may have had something to do with the utterly evil feelings

that rose up inside me. Seeking escape.

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I Followed Carmen and Derek

From a safe distance, of course. I waited until they split up. Derek went into a classroom. Carmen

started toward the gym.

I caught up to her, fell in beside her. "I thought you and Derek were history."

She stopped short.