Burned (11 page)

We Drove Off in Opposite Directions

Ethan's big Dodge cruised smoothly

south on the asphalt, while Aunt J's

old Ford stuttered north in the dirt, with me, Pattyn (pretty name!), behind the wheel.

Aunt J stared out the window, mired in some daydream. Where her mind

had wandered, I couldn't say.

Anyway, my own mind was glued on Ethan.

How did he and Aunt J know each other?

Who was the woman whose memory

snatched away his incredible

smile? Could someone like me give it back?

Aunt J knew most of those answers, of course. But I sensed she wasn't in the mood to discuss them. And

I wasn't quite ready to admit

my budding infatuation.

212

I found a big, wide turnaround place, did an about-face, and putted back to the ranch house, still stuck on Ethan and how I might get to know him.

Turned out it wasn't hard at all.

213

J
ournal Entry, June 7

Yesterday I thought riding a horse was an accomplishment. Today

I learned how to drive. 1 think

I did pretty good, too. At least,

I didn't run into anything or hlow up Aunt J's pickup.

It wasn't exactly legal, I know.

But Aunt J said it was her property, she'd danin well do as she pleased, and, besides, some laws were meant to be broken--laws made for no

reason but to keep good people in check.

She said the government was like an impatient cowboy--quick to hobble a spirited horse until it wasn't good. for anything but dogfood.

I also met Ethan today. He is by far the most beautiful man I've

ever seen. Aunt J said he's a college

sophomore, which must mean
he
goes
to College. I wonder where.

No "institutes of higher learning"

out here in the sticks, I'll bet.

214

I wonder why l'm wondering about him at all. He's so out of my

league. Ah, who cares? At least

he's giving me something to think about besides the mess I left behind in Carson City.

I've been here eleven days, and they

haven't called once to check up on me, or even just to say hi.

Won't Dad croak when he finds

out Aunt J taught me to drive?

He'll have to lock up his keys.

If he ever lets me come home.

215

On Saturday

After breakfast and chores, Aunt J said she needed to run into Panaca to pick up supplies from the feed störe.

She tossed me the keys.
You drive. Practice makes perfect.

It was my first time on an honest-to-goodness road.

Aunt J played with the radio, looking for country I'llnes.

She barely even flinched the time or two I miscalculated, spinning the tires up the dirt Shoulder, then back to asphalt.

The second time, I said, "Okay, that had to scare you."

She quit fiddling with knobs and looked over.

Fve made it through some god-awful things, Pattyn.

Nothing much can scare me. No sir, not anymore.

She opened the window wide, inviting the wind.

I'd connected with Aunt J in a special way, yet how

little I knew about her. She had trusted me with her truck. Would she trust me enough to confide secrets?

"What awful things, Aunt J? Tell me, please."

I didn't dare take my eyes off the road, but I felt her withdrawal into that distant place deep inside.

We bumped along for several silent minutes, as she settled into the indefinable space where she needed to be.

216

And if we hadn't crossed the railroad tracks, signaling the highway's imminent approach, she might

have broken down and told me everything right then.

Instead she said,
I'd better drive from here.

I pulled over, remembered to push the gearshift into
P
for park. Aunt J came around and took the wheel, and as I scooted my black-and-blue butt across the seat,

I vowed to weasel her secrets, however dark they might be.

217

A
t the Feed Store

I followed Aunt J inside, letting my eyes adjust to filtered light and my nose admire the potpourri.

Leather.

Grain.

Alfalfa.

Aunt J disappeared out back

while I wandered over to a far wall, drawn by a riot of sound.

Cheeps.

Scuffs.

Hisses.

Yellow fluffs under warming

lamps, sifting through scratch and testing stumpy wings.

Chicks.

Ducklings.

Goslings.

Finally, I heard Aunt J. I Turned to see her talking to a guy with a vaguely familiär voice.

Tall.

Built.

Gorgeous.

218

Gorgeous? Ethan! And I hadn't

even brushed my hair! I hurried

outside, hoping he wouldn't see me.

Ha

Ha

219

He
Trailed Aunt J

To the pickup, carrying a fifty-pound sack of cracked com like burlap-wrapped feathers, tossed it in the bed, went back for another.

I dropped my face, so he wouldn't notice

its ordinariness as he passed the window.

I'm pretty sure he glanced my way once or twice, Walking by. Striding by, with long, lean legs, hugged tight by Wranglers.

I pretended not to watch, but the corner of my eye caught every little detail.

The way he moved. How his muscles flexed.

Facial structure. The vrvid green of his eyes beneath a long wave of hair, mink brown.

Justin and Derek could eat their hearts out--

if Tiffany and Carmen didn't beat them to it.

220

Three sacks of grain and a bag of dog food

later, he thanked Aunt J and started off.

At the door he Turned, and I just about died

when he flashed me his should-be-famous

smile and mouthed,
See you soon.

221

See Me Soon?

What did he mean by that?

Did I care?

Considering recent events,

I shouldn't care.

I was going to stay innocent.

Men were evil.

I was going to die celibate.

Men were trouble.

I would not date again.

Men lied.

I would not marry, ever.

Men cheated.

No man would own me.

So why, despite all of the above, was I, so suddenly and completely

fascinated with this man?

222

Aunt J Knew, Too

He's cute, huh?

Cute did not define it. "I guess.

Who is he, anyway?"

Ethan is the son of an old friend.

Ah. Things were getting clearer.

But. . . "His mom or his dad?"

Both, but mostly his dad.

We were almost on a roll.

"So, um ... he lives around here?"

Just outside of Caliente.

We lived just outside of Caliente.

"Near the ranch?"

Right down the road. Why?

Why, indeed? "No special reason except he said he'd see me soon."

He will. He's helping us move the cattle.

Oh brother. I felt like a total

dolt. "Oh, okay."

Ifigured someone with experience couldn't hurt.

Someone without a bruised butt, she meant. "Probably not."

Especially someone cute.

223

Was she playing matchmaker?

I smiled. "When's he Coming?"

Next Sunday. It's his day off.

Next Sunday? Eight whole days

away? "Not tomorrow?"

He and his dad have plans.

I decided to fish a little. "Don't you

ever go to sacrament meetings?"

Not this ol' bird.

You're free to go.

Free not to go was more accurate.

"But you're Mormon, aren't you?"

Was once. Gave up on it, though.

The ice had been broken--chipped, anyway. "How come?"

Long story, one you

maybe shouldn't hear.

One I had to hear, now. "I want to know, Aunt J. Need to know."

Maybe öfter supper.

I have to unload thefeed.

224

I
t Seemed Like Forever

But after dinner, we settled into chairs on the porch.

The dogs parked at our feet, and cats rubbed up into our laps as Aunt J spilled her tale.

You might think Fve never been in love, but you'd be wrong. I was seventeen,

Kevin was eighteen. And he wasn't Mormon.

I was so much like you, Pattyn.

Füll of life, füll of hope.

And I fell desperately in love with a man neither my family nor my church would ever accept.

Intergenerational dejä vu?

My stomach churned.

I kept right on seeing him anyway.

We planned to marry, just as soon as I graduated high school. He even

wanted me to go to college.
Said any

girl as smart as I was should have a calling

other than kids. We were only kids ourselves, of course, and like most kids that age, our love moved way beyond kissing.

No wonder she'd hesitated to come clean.

225

Ely was--and still is--a very small town.

Word got around tili it reached your grandfather.

Heforbade me to see Kevin, but love was more powerful than fear. I was just

five months shy of my eighteenth birthday

when your father caught Kevin and me

parked near Burnside Lake. Stephen

pointed a .45 right between Kevins eyes and ordered us to get out of the car.

The picture rolled clearly into view.

He made us both kneel in the dirt.

The pistol swung my way. "Father sent a message," he said. 'You are not to see

this man again, or both of you will die."

I started to cry and Kevin reached for me.

Stephen cocked the hammer. "Don't

touch her or I swear Fll shoot you dead."

Stephen was home öfter his first tour in Vietnam. He'd done plenty of killing.

We had no reason to doubt he'd do more.

I didn't doubt it either.

"What did you do?"

I begged Stephen to leave us ahne. Asked

how he'd feel if Father demanded he leave

226

Molly. He laughed and told me to get in his car. When I refused, he put the gun

harrel against my cheek, pulled it gently toward my temple. "I'll use this," he said.

"One more would mean nothing." A crazy

Fire flickered in his eyes. I believed, then as now, he could have killed me as easily as he slaughtered innocent Vietnamese.

And have yet another

ghost to haunt him.

I stood and started for his car, afraid for my life, for Kevins life. I heard Stephen

tell Kevin, "If you ever so much as glance at my sister again, I will hunt you down like a dirty coyote." Then he brought

that .45 hard against Kevins jaw. Cracked it wide open, but that wasn't enough. Stephen

beat that man tili I thought a bullet would've been kinder. So now you know why Stephen and I didn't speakfor so many years.

One piece of the puzzle.

"But what about the church?"

Stephen damn near laid Kevin in his grave.

But when Kevin tried to press charges, Sheriff

Steele claimed there wasn't enough evidence.

227

See, he was also our bishop at the time. Church

law before any other, you know that. I suffered his "court oflove," admitting asfew dirty details as they'd allow. When I Turned eighteen, I did go
off to College
.
And I never sat through another

Sunday from hell. Kevin moved away.

I kept hoping he'd write. He never did.

228

I
Was Stunned

I mean, I knew my dad could be

cruel, but this went way beyond anything
I'd
ever witnessed.

After a few shocked moments,

I got up, went over and put my arms around Aunt J's neck. "I'm sorry."

She tensed, as if she'd never been hugged before. Then her shoulders

sagged.
It was a long time ago.

I came around and sat at her feet.

So much sadness in her eyes!

Why hadn't I noticed it before?

"Did you ever see Kevin again?"

She nodded.
But by then it was too

lote. I'd already married Stan.

"But you did fall in love again, didn't

you? With Stan?" You had to fall in love to get married. Didn't you?

229

Aunt J stared toward the hüls, crimson in sunset.
Real love

finds you once, if you're lucky.

"But what about. . . ," I started to say. There was so much

more I wanted to know.

Some people never find love at all,

Pattyn. Count y ourseif hlessed

if it ever Happens your way.

230