Burned (20 page)

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don't know about now, darlin.

I can't predict the future.

"But the two of you are all alone. . . ."

She looked at me and grinned.

Not exactly. No, not at all.

404

I
Wasn't Quite Ready to Quit

"Aunt J, I think you should

give each other a chance.

You looked pretty happy

together last night."

We were happy last night.

But we're both lugging

old hurt around, and that's hard to get past.

I could understand

that. Forgiveness wasn't

easy. But they had to try. "Please try."

If it makes you feel

any better, he's taking

me to dinner Friday

night. So I guess we'll try.

Yes! One more thing

bothered me. "I don't

think Ethan knows about the two of you."

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Kevin might feel differently, but I would never ask you to keep secrets, especially from someone you love.

I shook my head. "I

don't want to keep

secrets from Ethan, but

I don't want to tell him."

Mostly because I didn't

want him to know

exactly how terrible

my father could be.

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July Took on a Rhyth

Aunt J and I spent

weekdays warding off the heat wave and trying to keep

things watered.

The garden would

wither without attention in the cool of early

morning. The

simmer of afternoon kept

us basking in front of a big whirling fan.

Hot

thoughts about Ethan

crept into my sick

little brain. I felt

out of my mind with missing him when he wasn't by my

side.

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After the sun drifted

low and bloomed rose, he'd come rolling around for evening visits
,
coaxing my personal

temp well above the one hundred

mark, no matter

what the thermometer

happened to read.

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On Weekends

We'd drive to the lake or take the horses for long morning rides, always bringing the rifles along. I

would never be

unprepared again.

Ethan taught me more about the finer points of marksmanship than I

would ever have

learned on my own.

I was good.

He was awesome.

Making love indeed

became an integral part of our couplehood.

Ethan taught me a lot about that, too, and somehow the more I learned the less guilt I suffered.

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Kevin and Aunt J were seeing each other

fairly regularly.

Ethan didn't talk about that much, so one day I asked,

"Does it bother you?"

A little,
he admitted.

Mom's only been gone for eight months.

But I don't want him to be lonely, and I can't

think of a better person for him than Jeanette.

I couldn't either.

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So with Ethan's Blessing

Kevin was dating Aunt J.

And I was dating Ethan.

They would go out on weekends.

We saw each other whenever we could.

Sometimes we all had dinner.

Sometimes we all saw a movie together.

Most of the time, they went their way.

And, always, they let us go ours.

It was all too good to be true.

It was Cinderella and Prince Charming, squared.

It was approaching happily ever after.

It was Paradise, awaiting Armageddon.

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Toward the End of the Month

A letter came from home. I tore it open

eagerly, to find this, from Jackie:

Dear Pattyn,

I hope your summer has been wonderful. Why

haven't you written? Too busy chasing

tumbleweeds? Ha ha.

Chasing tumbleweeds would be better than how

things are here. Some vacation! All I do all day
is take care
of
the kids. I wouldn't mind so much

if l had you here to talk to. I wouldn't even

ask you to helpl Well, not much, anyway.

Mom is due in October, and she's gained fifty

pounds already. All. she does is sit, eat, watch

TV, and pack on pounds while we kids survive on oatmeal and peanut butter.

You'd think Dad would be happy, what with

Samuel coming and all. But he's not. Friday

nights are worse than ever. Sometimes Dad

gets home, already half-drunk. I always hope

he'll get home totally drunk so maybe he'll

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pass out right away. You can see the anger

growing inside him. Where did all that come

from, anyway? And now it has nowhere to go.

He can't hit Mom because of the baby.

Anyway, 1 miss you. Hope you come home soon.

Love you lots,

Your Favorite Sister

(aren't 1?)

413

It Was My First Real Tinge

Of homesickness, despite the less-

than-rosy picture. I did miss Jackie, did miss the girls, and I wondered

if they had changed as much as I.

Then I had to laugh. It had only been two months. How much

could everyone change? Surely

not nearly as much as I.

I had discovered love, sex, acceptance. I had found a place where I felt like I

counted, a place I belonged.

I had come to think of myself as not bad to look at, not

bad to be with, surely not in league with Satan.

I had come to think of myself as almost a woman, and a woman of value. I had come to think of myself as my own.

414

So why did I still feel such

connection with a place

that made me question my

place in the world?

415

Of Course, When Ethan Stopped By

That perceived connection

severed immediately.

No thought of Carson City as we watched a Caliente sunset.

No thought of Jackie

while Ethan discussed his day

No thought of my sisters

when he took me in his arms.

No thought of home as his lips mastered mine.

No thought of Mom with the slip of my clothing.

No thought of Dad to interfere with the blending of our bodies, the mesh of skin and the song of hearts in love.

416

August Rumbled In

Literally. The first week, each

morning segued into afternoon with the grumble of thunder over western hüls.

The sky seethed with ozone, leaking a scent hot and electric.

The animals scrambled for cover at its steady approach.

Aunt J and I would sit on the porch, watching carbonated

clouds bubble and blacken the sky like a spül of cola.

We could use the rain,
Aunt J

would say,
but dry lightning is a monster no thirsty patch of desert wants to nieet.

I didn't know what she meant until the day I saw the greasy smoke, off in the distance, signaling

sagebrush burning.

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I've heard a high-rise fire is a terrible thing, flames gulping down buildings, one story at a time, like a twenty-course meal.

But a brush fire is almost unconquerable.

Not enough hoses in all of Nevada to stop a blaze fueled by drought-

drained sage and fed by a furious wind.

Took five days of 'copters and tankers and 'dozers, working almost round the clock, plus one day of blessed

pounding rainfall, to do that monster in.

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Both Ethan and His Dad

Were volunteer firefighters.

Aunt J and I saw them only

if they happened to be there

when we delivered food and water to the fire line.

All the men would trundle

in, faces smudged with soot, bodies in need of rest and spirits sagging. We did our

best to cheer them up but smiles were in short

supply that week.

Even Ethan's unflagging

cheerfulness had dissolved in a sea of exhaustion.

I saw him twice in five days.

Both times he said the same thing.

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I can keep going, but I need to hear one thing and only

you can say it.

So I did. "I love you, Ethan.

And I'm very proud of you."

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The Old Pattyn

Might have seen the events of that week for what they were.

An omen.

The gut-wrenching stab of Separation, with Ethan

away for five days, was a sign of things to come.

But the improved Pattyn

couldn't intuit even a whisper of impending implosion.

Happiness, you see, is just an illusion of Fate, a heavenly sleight of hand

designed to make you believe in fairy tales. But there's

no happily ever after.

You'll only find happy

endings in books.

Some books.

421

The Rest of the Story

Began with another Ietter from home:

Hey,

I shouldn't be writing this, and I can

only hope that whoever gets the mail

there isn't a busybody. Ijust don't know

where eise to turn. Not that I expect

you to do anything. Please don't.

It would only make things worse.

I need someone to know what's going on here, Pattyn. I need to believe someone

cares. If anyone does, it's you. Remember

I told you Dad doesn't hit Mom anymore, because of the baby? Well, he hasn't

exactly quit his Friday night boxing

matches. Only now his opponent

isn't Mom. It's me.

Remember how we wondered why she didn't tell anyone? Now I know.

It isn't only fear. It's embarrassment.

You can't show your face in public without feeling like you've done

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something wrong. Something you

needed to be punished for. Not only that,but

everyone knows youve been bad.

Somehow, youve been bad.

But 1 havent done anything wrong.

Haven't been bad. So why do I

feel guilty? Am I sick, or what?

Miss you, Jackie

423

Anger Sweated

From my pores, acid, I could

picture Jackie, going to sacrament

meeting wearing sunglasses.

Was that a lie too, Bishop Crandall?

Or maybe Dad was too smart to leave bruises on his teenage

daughter. Maybe he planted his anger

where no one was likely to see it.

Not that anyone would look hard

enough to take notice until school

started again in September. Teachers were trained to notice, weren't they?

But what if he really hurt her? J

ackie didn't have near the padding

Mom did. And who could she turn to if he did? Who cared but me?

I didn't know what to do.

If I confided in Aunt J, she'd want to do something, call someone--

Dad or the cops.

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Jackie was right. If Dad

knew she had told anyone, even me, maybe even
especially
me, who knew what his reaction might be?

I stared out the window, shaking with anger and frastration.

Then I crumbled and cried, sinking in helplessness.

425

The Letter Ate at Me for Days

It seemed like I could do something, should do something. But what?

I didn't dare call the police. I had no

solid proof and Dad would just deny it.

Besides, I no longer trusted the law, nor those who had swom to uphold it.

I couldn't call Bishop Crandall. In his eyes,

Jackie was just another of Dad's possessions.

Anyway, he probably already knew the truth through one of Dad's sicko confessions.

I wanted to tell Ethan. But what if he said something to his dad? What evil memories that would stir!

No way could I stand the idea of becoming a wedge between Kevin and Aunt J.

I hated my dad. Every time I thought my

life was okay after all, pretty good, in fact;

426

every time I believed I had escaped the gravity . of his terrible sphere, he reached out, whatever the distance between us, grabbed

hold and shook tili my teeth rattled.

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Between That

And starting my period,

I was half puppy, half bitch for several days, seesawing from tucking my tail between my legs to howling at the moon, the sun, and everyone close by.

Poor Ethan and Aunt J didn't

know quite what to make of me.

Aunt J had seen me mad before, but Ethan hadn't. And I wasn't

just mad. I was furious, with no reasonable way to vent.

Hormones and hatred do not a manageable team make.

Anyone other than Ethan

would probably have

written me off right then and there. He didn't.

Finally, after an over-the-top

snappish episode, he put

one hand on each of my

cheeks and asked,
What

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