BWWM Interracial Romance 3: Family Heart (8 page)

“So Chris and I went to taste wedding cake samples today,” Sarah said. Jessica’s sister’s phone calls had been more and more filled with the details of her upcoming wedding, and Jessica was trying to be a good sister—but it was difficult to be as enthusiastic as she knew she should be about her sister’s happiness. Sarah had met Chris shortly after Jessica had met Evan, and the two had gotten engaged only a few months after Evan’s death; there had been an awkward time—when Jessica knew from her mother that her sister was engaged, but Sarah refused to mention it in their weekly phone calls. Jessica would have been glad to hear about the details of her sister’s engagement party, but she knew that Sarah felt guilty for being so happily in love when her sister was grieving. Finally, Jessica had cleared the air, telling Sarah that she was happy—that she knew about the engagement, that she wanted to remain part of her sister’s life.

Jessica and Sarah had been as close as two sisters could possibly be growing up; Jessica had shielded her younger sister from bullies, and they had both teased and taunted each other, passionately fighting the way that only close siblings can until some outside force threatened. It only made sense that when Sarah moved out to Austin after graduating college, their closeness would continue—down to double dates with their respective boyfriends to Six Flags, each challenging the other to the rides that scared them the most. It had been difficult for Jessica not to resent her sister a little bit after Evan died, but once they had found their closeness again, Jessica only regretted that she hadn’t cleared the air sooner.

In spite of the fact that she was genuinely happy for Sarah, Jessica’s recent breakup with Logan made her dread the upcoming wedding. She had RSVP’d to the occasion with a plus one—intending to tell Logan about it, but never getting around to it. Sarah had been surprised to see that Jessica intended to have a date, and had grilled her sister about the new man in her life; Jessica hadn’t quite had the nerve to tell Sarah that it was over, even weeks later. “Oh man, you haven’t lived until you’ve gone cake shopping,” Sarah said, and Jessica summoned a chuckle at the vehemence in her sister’s voice. “It was so much fun, talking to Chris about each of the samples and looking at all the gorgeous pictures of designs.” As Sarah went on, describing the different types of cake, the different fillings, and the frostings, Jessica managed to work up some enthusiasm, but her mind kept going back to Logan.

They hadn’t spoken since the showdown in his front yard. Jessica had been tempted to call him, instead of waiting for him to call her—but she remembered the hesitation he’d shown when asked to choose, when asked to unequivocally say that he wanted to be with her and was done with his ex-wife. She told herself again and again that she had written him off entirely, but she knew it wasn’t the truth. The truth was that she still—almost a week after the confrontation—had a feeling like an open wound somewhere deep inside of her chest, a dull ache that exploded into sharp pain with no warning. It was almost as bad as it had been when Evan had died—the sudden feeling of grief, of loss, knowing that she had had something really special, and now it was gone.

Jessica finished up her phone call with her sister and sat back on her bed, staring up at the ceiling. She didn’t cry, but the dull ache of loneliness rose up inside of her; the thought of her sister, starting her life as a married woman, should fill her with joy—but instead it only underscored what Jessica didn’t have. She couldn’t resent Sarah’s happiness, but Jessica had to wonder if she would ever have anything to match it. Her relationship with Logan had been the first time in a long time that Jessica had even really considered a long-term relationship, and that was gone. Even with Evan, who Jessica had somewhat assumed would eventually ask her to marry him, she hadn’t given the idea any serious thought. She hadn’t considered what it would be like to be a wife, to potentially be a mother; she had only thought of how good their relationship was, how much she enjoyed being with him—when she thought about it at all.

But now, Jessica knew that she wanted more than just to be seeing someone, more than just the casual commitment of a steady boyfriend. She wanted to have a future—she wanted to know that in a few years she would be committing to someone for the rest of her life. She wanted to have the comfort of a stable, steady presence in her life, someone to share the silly details of her work, the frustrations and triumphs. Jessica had had a slightly jaundiced view of marriage when her parents’ relationship had ended, and had put aside the question of whether or not she would ever get married, while being secretly terrified of the idea of taking the plunge and committing herself to someone who might later change his mind. But seeing her sister so confidently radiant, so certain that everything would work out with herself and her husband, had awakened a hunger that Jessica had never really known she had felt. Being with Logan had given her a taste of a kind of companionship that she had only dimly known with any of her previous boyfriends—Evan included.

She had, since the confrontation in Logan’s front yard, tried to move on. Jessica knew that she wanted to be in a relationship, she was finally comfortable with the idea of loving someone other than Evan—and had made an unsteady peace with the idea that moving on wasn’t betraying her lover’s memory. Evan would have wanted her to find someone new, he would have wanted her to be happy—but after Logan, the few dates she had been on were so unimpressive that Jessica was ready to give up again. Instead of being plagued with comparisons to Evan, with doubts as to whether or not she was moving on too fast, she was constantly comparing every man she met to Logan. No one seemed to be as funny, as sweet, as hard-working and yet carefree as the man she had been with, the man she had loved. Everyone was lacking; one date had been five minutes late to meet her at a coffee shop, and Jessica had nearly walked away from him when he finally appeared. While she had managed to remain civil, she hadn’t made another date.

Jessica picked up her phone from where she had left it on the bedside table, and found Gail’s number. She called her friend, shifting down in the bed until her head was among the pillows, barely holding the phone to her ear. “Hey, beautiful! What’s going on?” Jessica sighed.

“You know about Logan and me,” she said without preamble. Gail echoed her sigh.

“Yeah, I know. Logan’s been going around the office with a face like a thundercloud ever since that night you found out.” Jessica hesitated for a moment, but then explained the confrontation that had followed; she and Gail had both been so busy since the night that Jessica had heard the rumors about Logan spending so much time with his ex that neither of them had had the time or the energy to schedule one of their normal happy hour meet-ups, or even lunch together. They’d exchanged a few text messages and kept in touch that way, but Jessica had been hesitant to call her friend, knowing that Gail would be feeling guilty for having introduced her to the man who she had just broken up with.

“So, how’s your schedule looking?” Jessica asked her friend. “I’m in my head too much these days. I need to go out and have a few drinks with my best friend.” Gail laughed.

“Well, things are still busy, but I will put everything aside for you—especially since I’ve just lost a great deal of respect for my boss.” Jessica groaned.

“No, Gail—don’t jeopardize your job just because things didn’t work out between Logan and me.” Gail laughed again.

“I wouldn’t jeopardize my job. But it is pretty shitty, and I have to admit my respect for him is lower-knowing that he didn’t just kick Rosanna out of his life outright.” Jessica shrugged.

“They have history together.” She couldn’t help but feel awkward, defending the man she had pushed away with such finality over the very issue they were discussing.

“Yeah, well, most of their history together involved Rosanna cheating on him. Any guy who would even think about going back to that kind of hot mess isn’t worth your time.”

“She’s the mother of his child! I mean, I may have been mad—I’m still mad—that he would have more to do with her than he absolutely has to, but I can’t expect them to never speak.”

“Well you’re more charitable than I am,” Gail said.

“I feel like I made a big mistake,” Jessica admitted. “I mean… I guess the ball is in his court right now, because of how that all went down, but I really…” she sighed. “I should call him, but I can’t make myself do it. I mean, if he hasn’t reached out to me, he’s made up his mind, right? And clearly I’m not on it.” Gail temporized, pointing out that things had been busy at the office, and on top of that, Logan probably had a lot to sort out in his life even beyond his feelings for Jessica.

Eventually, once they had mined the topic to death, Gail changed the subject, asking about Sarah’s upcoming wedding; she had received an invitation as well, though she would not be in the wedding party, while Jessica was going to be one of the bridesmaids. She had declined the offer to be the Maid of Honor—insisting that a friend of Sarah’s, who actually lived in Austin, would be a better choice—but she had gone to get fitted for her dress, and was pleased to be a part of it, even if she would be all by herself.

“I’ll just have to tell Sarah that I’m not bringing anyone after all. Or maybe I’ll find someone I can convince to be a date—and not tell Sarah about the change until the week before, when she can’t do anything about it.” Gail laughed at that, and as they made plans to meet up and grab a couple of after-work drinks late in the week, Jessica began to feel a little bit better. She finished the conversation and hung up the phone, resolving to spend the evening pampering herself and to have a productive, full day at work the next day; she had learned from experience that the only way to keep her feelings from overwhelming her was to dive into her work and push all other considerations out of her mind.

As Jessica painted her toenails and lay around reading with a masque on her face, she thought about what she had told Gail. It did feel like a mistake, the way things had ended with Logan. Jessica considered the fact that part of why she might feel that way was because it had been so sudden. If it had been gradual—the way their relationship had developed—maybe, she thought, she wouldn’t feel so jarred by it. But she knew that whether it had ended abruptly or slowly, there would still be that ache, that sense of loss that she couldn’t quite outrun. But Jessica had no idea what to do about it; her pride demanded that she not be the one to reach out—not after the confrontation, not when Logan hadn’t made any effort. She washed her face and turned on some music, continuing to read late into the night and told herself that she should just let go; she should just accept that if Logan had wanted to get back to her, he would have done it already. Whether he needed time or had already decided not to try and salvage their relationship, she had to move forward with her own life, and get back to the routine that she had formed for herself. It would make it a lot easier to deal with the loss, and Jessica would be damned if she would let any man—even Logan—disrupt her life that much. She had managed to keep going when Evan had died; she would keep going no matter what.

Jessica arrived at the coffee shop, still feeling slightly confused by Gail’s insistence that they meet there instead of at their usual bar. “I just feel like doing something a little healthier for our get-together,” Gail had said when Jessica had questioned her choice of venue. “I went out earlier this week with the coworkers, and man was I ever hung over the next day. I’m getting old.” Jessica had agreed finally, more interested in seeing Gail than in having alcohol.

She had buried herself in work with Logan out of her life, just as she had done when she had lost Evan, but with a key change; Jessica couldn’t drive herself the way she used to. She worked hard, she submerged her thoughts and bitter loneliness in getting things done, but Logan had somehow—in the course of their relationship—taught her to take care of herself, to rest when she needed it. Even if she hated the way they had ended, Jessica was sure that she would be grateful to Logan forever for that important lesson.

Gail wasn’t there; but then, Jessica thought, she had gotten to the coffee shop early. If she was going to be late, Jessica knew that Gail would call her—she always did. Instead of worrying, she found a table and sat down, trying to decide what she would get to drink. The funky little independently-owned café was known for interesting and innovative “coffee cocktails,” combining flavors that made them taste like freshly-baked cookies, or even—in one strangely alluring case—a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Jessica looked over the menu, musing over odd combinations like pineapple and cayenne, and ginger and jalapeño with coconut. She thought to herself that she would just take something relatively plain—maybe a hazelnut latte with the bourbon whipped cream.

“Hey sweetie,” Gail called out, walking quickly to where Jessica sat. “I’m sorry I’m running a couple of minutes late—and I’m even sorrier that I have to dash in a minute, but I got you a suitable replacement for my company.” Jessica balked as Gail approached and kissed her on the cheek.

“A suitable replacement? Gail, I wanted to hang out with you!” Gail gave her a hug and looked at her with eyes full of mischief and just a twinge of doubt. “What are you up to?” Gail shook her head.

“Nothing that won’t be for your own good. Now I have to scoot—I’ve got a date to get to.” Gail grabbed a coffee to go and rushed out, and Jessica considered following her friend. For a long moment, irritation consumed her; if Gail had found a date that she wanted to go out with, why hadn’t she called to cancel? It wasn’t like her friend to be inconsiderate. As Jessica was considering making her exit, someone approached her table. Jessica looked up and saw Logan standing a few feet away from her, still dressed in his work clothes, though his hands and face were obviously freshly cleaned, his hair brushed. His dark brown eyes were full of hope and doubt as he stood silently watching her, waiting to see what she would say, how she would react.

“What are you doing here?” Jessica asked, more confused than accusatory. “Are you—shit. Gail.” She waved him over to the opposite seat at the table even as anxiety bubbled up inside of her. Gail had set this up; there was no doubt of it.

“I wanted to talk to you about—everything,” Logan said, picking at imaginary lint on the table cloth. “Gail insisted that we had to talk in person; I’d been wanting to call you but I didn’t know where to begin.” Jessica swallowed the lump in her throat, taking a deep breath to slow down the rapid pounding of her heart. She was glad to see him and dreaded talking to him at the same time.

“I guess I’d be willing to talk,” Jessica said, keeping her voice carefully level. She wasn’t going to cause a scene; she wasn’t going to be the one to make things worse. “I thought… when you didn’t call…” Jessica took another deep breath, exhaling on a sigh. “I thought you’d made up your mind.” She stole a glance at Logan, catching the slight puffiness around his eyes, the look of fatigue and loneliness that clung to him. He wasn’t a man who had reunited with his wife happily—that much was clear.

“I have made up my mind,” Logan started. “I realized that I’d been fooling myself. Rosanna hadn’t changed—maybe she can’t change.” Logan shook his head. “The only reason she was coming after me like that is because she’s lonely and wanted attention.” Jessica nodded slowly.

“And you were… you thought she really wanted you, and you were going to try and reconcile.” Logan shrugged.

“I had wondered. I never did anything with her, Jess. I thought I was doing what was best for Zachary—at least looking at reconciling with his mom. But while Zachary needs to have Rosanna in his life, I don’t have to have her in mine. I’m not going to have anything to do with her other than Zachary ever again.” Jessica felt her eyes stinging and wondered if she felt more relieved or concerned, more contented to be in Logan’s company or worried that he would tell her that he hadn’t decided to try and make things right with her.

“I should have given you a chance to explain,” Jessica admitted. She took a deep breath and swallowed down against the tightness in her throat, struggling to keep herself composed. “But you should have talked to me about it, too. If I hadn’t had to hear about it from someone else…” she closed her eyes. “I still should have let you tell me your side of the story, instead of getting mad and letting that rule me.” Logan smiled slowly.

“I was a total ass, Jessica—I shouldn’t have even thought about working with Rosanna when I already knew I was in love with you.” Jessica’s eyes burned and stung with tears she didn’t want to shed. She blinked rapidly to clear them, looking up at the ceiling for a moment.

“You were in love with me?” she asked, her voice breaking in spite of her best efforts to remain composed. Logan nodded, an incredulous look in his eyes.

“Of course I was in love with you—I still am! But I didn’t know how you felt.” Jessica bit her bottom lip, realizing that in pushing him away and then moving closer to him, she had definitely been giving him mixed signals through most of their relationship. They had only been broken up for a couple of weeks, but it felt like an eternity.

“I have to admit,” she said, breathing slowly and steadily. “At first… I felt like I might be betraying Evan’s memory, because I—I was falling in love with you so fast. I thought that I was forgetting everything that Evan had meant to me.” She paused, giving herself a moment to get her wild, tumultuous emotions under control once more. “And then when you didn’t ask if I wanted to meet your son, I thought maybe you weren’t as serious about the relationship as I was. And so when someone started talking about all the time you’d been spending with your ex…” she let the sentence trail off, opening her hands to indicate how hopeless, how hurt she had felt at what had seemed like a betrayal.

“I want you to meet Zachary. He asks about you all the time! I had been putting it off because I didn’t know if you were ready for it.” Logan was smiling, shaking his head. “For how much time we spent together, we sure managed to avoid talking about the things that really matter, huh?” Jessica caught herself echoing his smile in spite of the tears that threatened to fall. She nodded, realizing that—apart from the pain—it was almost funny; everything that had happened between them could have been avoided if they had just bitten the bullet and actually spoke to each other about what was weighing on their minds.

“So then…” Jessica pushed down the burgeoning sense of hope she was starting to feel. “Does this mean that you want to try again?” Logan nodded.

“I was prepared to beg, plead, and get down on my knees — anything you wanted.” Jessica laughed.

“You can still do that, you know. It would be great for my ego.” Logan chuckled and rose from his seat, falling to his knees next to her.

“Jessica, my darling Jessica. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat—I can’t do anything if you won’t forgive me. I’ll waste away. I don’t have that far to go—I’m already pretty skinny. Please say you’ll overlook my many transgressions and take me back into your life.” Jessica smacked his shoulder, laughing at the overdramatic delivery.

“Fine, fine. I’ll give you another chance,” she said, rolling her eyes at his whimsy.

“Then let’s get out of here. I’ve had enough coffee for the day and there are a lot better things I could be doing to convince you that I will always have your happiness in mind.” Logan’s eyes darkened, and Jessica felt the pulse of lust between them. She nodded and stood, more than ready to go wherever he proposed.

They fell into bed together, pulling at each other’s clothes in desperation, kissing everywhere their lips could reach, touching every stretch of newly-exposed skin that they could find. Jessica opened her eyes, unaware of when she had closed them, and in the late afternoon light of Logan’s bedroom, she marveled at the way that their bodies seemed to fit together, at the play of light and dark as her hands trailed over Logan’s bare back. Zachary was at Rosanna’s house for the weekend, where Logan’s parents had dropped him off after school; there was no need to hurry—but the desire they both felt made their exploration of each other’s bodies more and more urgent as clothes fell away, tossed across the room or dropped right next to the bed. Logan buried his face against Jessica’s full, ripe breasts, nuzzling and kissing, bringing his hands up to cup them and bring each of her nipples in turn to his mouth. Jessica writhed, moaning and arching into his touches as Logan worshipped her body, his cream-pale skin a sharp contrast against her burnt caramel tones. “God, I’ve missed these,” he mused, pulling back only slightly before returning to his attentions, kissing the soft, sensitive under-curve of one breast and then bringing his lips back to hers.

One of his hands dropped down between her thighs, cupping and then rubbing her slowly but steadily, the constant pressure and friction against Jessica’s pleasure center making her moan out aloud with pleasure even as she kneaded and caressed his shoulder and back. She could feel the weight and heat of him pressed against her hip, reminding her constantly of what was to come, even as Logan’s lips slipped and slid along her body. He trailed kisses down from her lips, along the column of her throat, lingering for a few moments at her breasts before tickling her abdomen. Jessica whimpered slightly in need as Logan’s hot breath brushed along her inner thighs, before he tugged her underwear down and began to devour her, burying his mouth against her.

In seemingly nothing more than moments, Jessica was writhing, twisting under the impulses that his lips and tongue created. Her pleasure was growing more and more intense by the moment as Logan explored her, tasting her, teasing her until she almost couldn’t bear it. She was moaning his name, grabbing at his shoulders, her fingers tangling in his hair as they moved together, as Logan brought her to greater and greater heights of sensation. How could she have even tried to forget how good—how right—it felt to be with Logan?

When Jessica was on the edge of climax, Logan pulled back, kissing his way along her body to her lips and sealing her mouth with his own. Jessica trembled with need, writhing and squirming underneath him with her body on fire, tingling from head to toe with lust. “Logan, Logan,” she moaned, clinging to him tightly. “God, I need you—Logan, please!” Logan pulled her around, tumbling onto his back onto the bed and maneuvering Jessica on top of him. She straddled his hips, looking down at the man she knew she loved with the deepest hunger she could ever remember feeling for another human being in her life.

“Now, Jess, now!” Jessica held herself up, balancing on her hands above his shoulders and pushing her hips down against his. As Logan thrust up into her, Jessica leaned down, kissing him. He filled her up slowly, working his way deeper and deeper, moving past her yielding defenses of her body and holding still for a long moment before they began to move together. Jessica felt her pleasure building up faster and faster as she rocked her hips, rising and falling on top of Logan, feeling him deeper and deeper inside of her body.

She leaned in and kissed him hungrily as they both reached their climaxes as almost the same moment, clinging to each other in need as pleasure washed through them both in waves. Jessica sagged against Logan’s body, burying her face against his shoulder and neck, kissing him lazily as the haze of orgasm washed through her. For a long moment, she couldn’t make herself move—couldn’t do more than enjoy the tingling warmth of aftershocks. Then she shifted on top of Logan, moving to curl up alongside him in the bed as they both continued to pant. She draped her arm over his chest and smiled to herself at the sight of her dark skin against his pale, the splay of her fingers along his ribs.

“We’re doing this again in just a minute,” Logan said, turning onto his side and wrapping his arms around her. “Just as soon as I can breathe again. We have all weekend.”

The next day, however, they took a break; Logan woke her in the morning with coffee and French toast and a kiss, and told her that he had decided there was no time like the present. “I want you and Zachary to meet—are you ready?” Jessica didn’t hesitate; she went into the bathroom and took a shower, and grabbed some of the weekend clothes that she had somehow managed to forget she’d left in Logan’s closet.

They went to Logan’s parents’ house, to meet them for lunch; it was a safe first meeting choice, Jessica thought. Just long enough that Zachary could get comfortable with her, but not so much that it would strain anyone’s nerves. The little five-year-old was the spit and image of Logan, with his curly, short dark hair—faintly red-tinged—and dark eyes, a lean, almost bony body that would doubtless mature into the lanky slimness that Logan possessed. “Dad told me you work at a magazine,” Zachary said politely, squirming in his seat with impatient energy but managing to keep his face composed, his dark eyes focused on her.