By a Thread (24 page)

Millie put her arm around Stella. “But isn’t the saying right that it’s better to have loved and lost than never loved at all?”

“No. That saying is bullshit.” Stella had all of her Jamie feelings in a little box in her brain. She never opened it anymore.

“Oh El. I thought George was pulling you through all this. You were acting like a real live person.”

“George helped me, but I’m not there yet, Millie. May never be.” Stella pulled her bathing suit up on her breast to cover up more of herself. “I always act like a real live person,” she said sarcastically.

“Oh sweetie, no. The first year I knew you it was clear you were fucked up. You acted like a Zombie.”

“Shit, you should have seen me the year before. I thought I was better.” The first year after Jamie died was a blur of pain and alcohol. Her first year of law school was a blur of reading and alcohol. The second year a blur of sex and alcohol.
Is there a theme,
she thought.

Sitting on the back porch facing the ocean, Patrick, Millie, and Stella watched the sun set while sipping their drinks.

Millie turned to Stella. “Did you hear back from Jessie?”

Patrick looked at Stella, a question in his eyes.

“Yes, I told him we would get together later.” Stella looked at the waves.

“I thought that was a one-time thing?” Patrick asked.

“It’s just sex Patrick. We both know it.” Stella took a sip of her wine.

“You’re cool with being one of many?”

“We used a condom, of course.” Stella scoffed at Patrick’s tone, she was always careful.

Stella had been on birth control since she was sixteen and used condoms, always. She and Jamie had given up condoms after being tested. Condoms were still piled high in the drawer next to her bed from her relationship with George. “It’s actually better that way. There is no pressure on either of us. We know what it is. “

Patrick looked down at his hands, “Isn’t that the same agreement you had with George?”

Stella looked at him stunned and a little speechless. He was right. “I don’t plan on doing anything with Jessie on a regular basis.”

“Patrick, leave her alone.” Millie looked at Patrick, “if she wants to fuck someone else to get over George, so be it.”

“I just don’t want you hurt,” Patrick pushed himself off the chair and walked over to where Stella sat. He leaned over the railing.

“I’m pretty sure that is what I feel on a consistent basis, Patrick. I don’t know what happened with George. He wore me down, made me feel again. I needed it. I was totally broken and didn’t feel anything until he elbowed his way into my life. Did it hurt like hell when he left? Yes. Do I regret it? No. He made me stronger. My hurt is not going to change if I fuck some football player in his big swanky hotel room.”

“Okay, you’re a big girl. You do what you want anyway.”

“Correct,” Stella answered, her gaze never leaving the water.

The next morning, Patrick was in the ocean with what look like a surfboard, but he was standing and paddling his way out to sea. He had been paddling out there for over an hour.

“So, I’m a pretty patient person Millie, but are you going to tell me what is going on with you and Patrick?”

Millie signed and shielded her eyes when she looked out at where Patrick was in the ocean. “I’m pretty sure he is going to propose to me,” she said with seriousness. Then she looked at Stella’s mouth hanging open and burst out laughing. “I’m just kidding. We are just hanging out, having sex, taking it as it comes.”

“That sounds familiar,” Stella said looking back at her book.

“Hmm. I have no idea what you mean,” Millie’s voice dripping with fake innocence.

“Ya’ll are exclusive?”

“Yes.”

Before she could ask her next question her phone beeped. She started looking through her bag for her phone.

I’m in D.C. for the weekend. Let’s get together.

Stella looked at the message again, not knowing the number, and then she began laughing. “This is priceless.” She showed it to Millie.

“Are you kidding me?” Millie said incredulously, “Is that Jesse McIntyre?”

“I believe so... I don’t know anyone else from Atlanta that would want to get together with me.”

“El, you are so lucky.”

Stella’s face fell a little before she replaced it with another big smile. “Whatever.”

“What are you going to do?” Millie asked giggling like a twelve-year-old.

“Nothing, I’m not in DC right now so we cannot get together.” She responded quickly to his text that she was out of town for the next few days. His reply was quick.

Next time

“Okay, should I come up with something charming to say back or just leave it?” She looked at Millie, who was watching Patrick with a look of desire on her face.

“Ewwwwwwwww, keep that face to yourself. Did you hear me? What should I say back?”

Millie slowly turned her head to face Stella, “Nothing. It will drive him crazy.”

“Not really trying to drive him crazy, but I don’t have a problem with nothing.” She threw her phone back in her bag and picked up her book.

“You know it won’t end well, right.” Patrick was her best friend, her brother, and she would have liked nothing more than her two closest friends to get to fall in love and live happily ever after. She just didn’t see it happening. Being the alpha male that he was, Stella couldn’t see Patrick being okay with Millie making more money then him.

Millie breathed out, “Yep. I’m aware.”

“You ever heard the expression you don’t shit where you eat?”

“Yes.” Millie answered shortly.

“Don’t be pissed at me when my house becomes a battle zone when it goes down.”

“You’ll just have to come to my house then.”

“Well, you just have an answer for everything, don’t you.”

“Pretty much.” Millie smiled and went back to admiring Patrick.

Throughout the months of June and July, Stella maintained a routine of studying, throwing up, studying, and running. Her brain was so fried every night when she left school, she couldn’t complete full sentences. Turning her brain off after 7:00 every day and running with Cooper was mandatory for her not to lose the delicate grip she held on sanity.

Before July 4th, Stella and Millie took a mock bar exam. The mock exam took four hours and at the conclusion of the test Stella sat on the Metro grading her test and cried. She’d failed miserably. Taking the weekend off from studying, she drank heavily and felt sorry for herself. Then she headed right back into the library on Monday to her study group with Millie and Davis.

Time for the actual exam finally came. It seemed like no time had passed since her graduation, but each day had also seemed endless. Stella’s mother surprised her with a massage the day before the bar in order for her to relax. Stella ate lunch at Cosi and then went to the spa across the street. She took off her clothes and lay on her stomach, waiting for the masseuse to come in and work magic.

“Okay Stella, you’ve come in for some relaxation today. Anything in particular?” the man asked in a low relaxing voice and he rubbed oil on his hands.

“I’m taking the bar exam tomorrow and just trying to relax.” Stella replied with her eyes closed.

“Really?” The rubbing on her back stopped and her eyes popped open. “I got arrested the other day because someone hit me in a bar fight at Finnegan’s. I think it’s bullshit, I was defending myself. What should I do?”

Are you fucking kidding me, Stella thought. My masseuse wants legal advice?
This is classic
.

“Needless to say, my massage was not relaxing,” Stella was telling Millie about her bizarre massage over dinner. They were sitting in the restaurant of their hotel in Norfolk, Virginia, where the Virginia Bar was being conducted. The entire bar process was the most ridiculous thing Stella had ever voluntarily done to herself. The application process took months to complete and after today she wouldn’t know if she actually passed until the end of October.

“That would only happen to you.” Millie’s eye was twitching, and had been for several hours. They had gotten adjoining rooms so they could relax tonight before they attempted to sleep and make sure they got up on time. “Two days and it will be over.”

“Can you believe it?”

“Not really, I’m so stressed I don’t know how to deal with it.”

“You should just throw up like I do. I feel much better after that.” Stella smiled weakly, taking a big bite of her hamburger.

Two days later Stella exited the huge ballroom where over 400 graduates were taking the Virginia Bar exam and fell on the floor in exhaustion where Millie was stretched out waiting for her.

“Holy shit, I guess I need to go ahead and sign up for the February exam. That kicked my dumbass.” Stella scratched her head and looked at Millie. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

“Agreed,” Millie replied as she pushed herself off the floor. “What did you think about the question on Riparian rights?”

Stella put her hands over her ears, “No. We never talked about exams in school and I’m not about to start now. We can’t change our answers, so it doesn’t matter. “

The ride home was mostly silent, as Millie and Stella were drained. Millie dropped her off at the curb in front of her house, “You not coming in?”

Millie shook her head, “I just want to sleep.”

Stella leaned back in the window of the passenger side of Millie’s Volkswagen. “You okay?”

“As okay as I can be, I guess. We’ll talk tomorrow... And drink. Let’s drink tomorrow,” Millie said.

“Sounds like a plan. See you tomorrow.” Stella walked toward her house and saw Cooper jumping at the door. Opening the door, Stella stuck her head in and Cooper jumped up on her, putting his huge paws on her chest. Cooper never failed in showing her how much he loved her; she needed that.

Stella had been sitting in her office on her second cup of coffee when Stan had stuck his head in and tell her to come with him to a meeting. This, she’d determined, was not uncommon. Younger attorneys were pulled into many sorts of meetings with the other more seasoned attorneys for all kinds of reasons. Reasons ranged from being eye candy to taking notes. No matter the reason, young attorneys were not prepared for these important meetings, but had to catch up during the meeting itself. It seemed to be a form of hazing.

She pressed her palms down her grey trousers and looked around at the conference room where they waited. The windows spanned the entire length of the room giving a great view of the Potomac River. She was nervous and trying not to show it by talking to Stan too much. He was pleasantly sipping his coffee. He looked at her, “Stop fidgeting,” he ordered.

“I’m not,” Stella answered. She took a sip of coffee as the door opened and an older African American woman walked in wearing a black pantsuit followed by a grey-haired man in a cheap-looking brown suit. She sat back in her chair, then in came a disheveled guy with long matted hair and a ratty beard. He walked in with his head down and didn’t really look at her or Stan until he sat down, directly across from her. She thought she was having some sort of mental breakdown until his eyes went wide at the sight of her. She closed her eyes and it was like fireworks went off behind her lids, she took a deep breath and then opened them again, hoping she was just hallucinating. She wasn’t. She pushed back her chair abruptly and mumbled something about the bathroom. She ran from the room, down the hall and made it to the first stall before she vomited. She kept throwing up, over and over.

Not sure how long she had been in there, she sat on the floor and leaned her face against the cool tile wall. She did not believe it. It was Jamie. He’d lost a significant amount of weight and his hair and beard were disgusting, but it was him. She would know those eyes anywhere.
What the fuck,
she thought
, he’s ALIVE
. Stella could honestly not wrap her brain around what she had just seen with her own two eyes. A knock came at the door. Stan pushed it open a bit.

“Stella, you okay?” Stan poked his head in.

“Shit, Stan, I must have food poisoning. I’m so sorry.” Her voice shook a little, but she assumed that would be normal given how much she had just thrown up. He sighed and shut the door.

“Holy mother of fuck,” she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She pushed herself up and went to the sink. She looked at her face, she kind of looked crazy. Maybe she was crazy. She splashed water on her face and swished it around in her mouth.

She pushed the door open and Stan was waiting for her, “You got any gum,” she asked.

“You better not be pregnant.” He turned and they walked down the hall. “I’ve been briefed. I will share everything with you in the car.”

She sat, numb and shocked, in Stan’s car as he filled her in. The ATF wanted the FBI’s cooperation with a four-year undercover operation that had gone bad. The operation was out of Montana and involved the undercover agent that was sitting across the table, a Jamie or Jimmy or something, Stan couldn’t remember.

“So what is it exactly they want us to do?”

“When we get back to the office I’ll check to make sure with Jeff, but I’m pretty sure you will be able to handle this one yourself. The ATF has already done our work for us, with the exception of fucking it up, and you just go and be the DC presence with the FBI team out of Montana that is already there. They just need you to go and gather intel for us and work under the FBI attorney from the Montana office.”

Shocked. “Okay.”

“Like I said, I got to check it at the top, but I’m pretty sure you leave tomorrow. It will probably be for a few weeks, or months, depending.”

Weeks, or months? What the fuck did it matter
? Her entire world just imploded. She was not going to mess up the only good thing in her life, her job.

“Listen, I know you are sick so I’ll drop you off at the Metro before going to headquarters. Keep your phone on and start packing. I’ll get you all the deets later.”

“Okay.”

“This is going to be easy, a cake operation,” he said smiling at her, mistaking her quietness for nervousness. “You don’t need to have passed the bar. Pretty cool first assignment, though, right?”

She nodded. “Very cool. I’m just trying not to throw up in your car right now.”

“Appreciate it.” He pulled over at the McPherson metro station. “Stella, if I don’t see you before you leave. Good luck. Be in touch.”

“Of course.” She started to close the door, then leaned back in, “Thanks, Stan.”

She turned and walked in a daze into the Metro station.