Candide (10 page)

He was about to continue when he felt himself struck speechless at seeing the two girls embracing the dead bodies of the monkeys in the tenderest manner, weeping over their bodies, and filling the air with the most doleful lamentations. “Really,” he said to Cacambo, “I didn’t expect to see so much generosity of spirit.” “Master,” replied the knowing valet, “you have made a precious piece of work of it: you have killed the lovers of these two ladies.” “Their lovers, Cacambo! You must be joking; it cannot be; I can never believe it.” “Dear sir,” replied Cacambo, “you are surprised by everything; why do you think it so strange that in some countries monkeys obtain the good graces of ladies? They are one-quarter human, just as I am one-quarter Spanish.” “Alas!” replied Candide, “I remember hearing my master Pangloss say that such things used to happen in former times; and that from these mixtures arose centaurs, fauns, and satyrs; and that many of the ancients had seen such monsters; but I took all that for fables.” “Now you should be convinced,” said Cacambo, “that it is very true; and you see what is done with those creatures by people who have not had a proper education. All I am afraid of is, that these same ladies will get us in real trouble.”

These judicious reflections led Candide to leave the meadow and hide in a thicket. There he and Cacambo ate; and after heartily cursing the Grand Inquisitor, the Governor of Buenos Ayres, and the baron, they fell asleep on the ground. When they awoke, they were surprised to find that they could not move. The reason was, that the Oreillons, who inhabit that country, and to whom the ladies had given information of these two strangers, had bound them with cords made of tree bark. They saw themselves surrounded by fifty naked Oreillons, armed with bows and arrows, clubs, and hatchets of flint; some were making a fire under a large cauldron; and others were preparing spits, and all were crying out: “A Jesuit! a Jesuit! We shall be revenged! we shall have excellent cheer; let’s eat this Jesuit; let’s eat him up.”
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“I told you, master,” cried Cacambo mournfully, “that these two wenches would play us a dirty trick.” Candide, seeing the cauldron and the spits, cried out: “I suppose they are going to either boil or roast us. Ah! what would Pangloss say if he could see how a state of nature is formed? Everything is right. It may be so: but I must confess it seems harsh to have lost dear Miss Cunégonde, and to be spitted like a rabbit by these barbarous Oreillons.” Cacambo, who never lost his presence of mind in distress, said to the disconsolate Candide: “Do not despair. I understand a little of the jargon of these people; I will speak to them.” “And be sure,” said Candide, “you make them aware of the horrid barbarity of boiling and roasting human creatures, and how un-Christian such a practice is.”

“Gentlemen,” said Cacambo, “you think perhaps you are going to feast upon a Jesuit; if so, excellent idea; nothing can be more agreeable to justice than to treat your enemies so. Indeed, the law of nature teaches us to kill our neighbour; and that’s why we find this practised all over the world; and if we do not indulge ourselves in eating human flesh, it is because we have much better food; but for you, who do not have our resources, it is certainly agreed to be much better to feast upon your enemies than to throw their bodies to the crows of the air, and thus lose all the fruits of your victory. But surely, gentlemen, you will not choose to eat your friends. You imagine you are going to roast a Jesuit, but my master is your friend, your defender; and you are going to spit the very man who has been destroying your enemies. As to myself, I am your countryman ; this gentleman is my master; and far from being a Jesuit, let me tell you he has just killed one of that order, whose robe he now wears, and that’s why you dislike him. To prove that I’m telling the truth, take the robe he has on, and carry it to the first barrier of the Jesuits’ kingdom, and ask if my master did not kill one of their officers. There will be little or no time lost by this, and you may still keep us to eat in case you find that I have lied; but, if you find that I told the truth, you are too well acquainted with the principles of the laws of society, humanity, and justice, not to let us depart unhurt.”

This speech appeared very reasonable to the Oreillons. They sent
two of their people to inquire into the truth of this affair, who performed the task like men of sense, and soon returned with good news for our distressed adventurers. Upon this they were both freed, and those who were so recently going to roast and boil them, now showed them all sorts of civilities, offered them girls, gave them refreshments, and led them back to the border of their country, crying all the way, in token of joy: “He is no Jesuit, he is no Jesuit.”

Candide could not help admiring the cause of his deliverance. “What men! what manners!” he cried; “if I had not had the good luck to run my sword up to the hilt in the body of Miss Cunégonde’s brother, I would definitely have been eaten alive. But, after all, pure nature is an excellent thing; since these people, instead of eating me, showed me a thousand civilities as soon as they knew I was not a Jesuit.”

W
hen they got to the frontier of the Oreillons, “You see,” said Cacambo to Candide, “this hemisphere is not better than the other; take my advice, and let’s return to Europe by the shortest possible way.” “But how can we get back,” said Candide, “and where shall we go? To my own country? The Bulgarians and the Abares are slitting everyone’s throat; or shall we go to Portugal? There I will be burnt; if we stay here, we are always in danger of being spitted. But how can I bring myself to leave that part of the world where my dear Miss Cunégonde lives?”

“Let’s go towards Cayenne,” said Cacambo; “there we will meet with some Frenchmen; for they go all over the world; perhaps they will help and God will take pity on us.”

It was not so easy to get to Cayenne. They knew roughly which way to go; but the mountains, rivers, precipices, robbers, savages, were dreadful obstacles in the way. Their horses died from fatigue, and their food was gone. They subsisted a whole month on wild fruit, till at length they came to a little river bordered with cocoa trees, the sight of which at once revived their drooping spirits, and supplied nourishment for their enfeebled bodies.

Cacambo, who was always giving as good advice as the old woman herself, said to Candide: “You see there is no holding out any longer; we have travelled enough on foot. I see an empty canoe near the river-side; let’s fill it with cocoa-nuts, get into it and float with the current: a river always leads to some inhabited place. If we do not meet with agreeable things, we shall at least meet with somethingnew.” “Agreed,” cried Candide; ”let’s let Providence guide us.”

They rowed a few leagues down the river, the banks of which in some places were covered with flowers, in others barren; in some parts smooth and level, and in others steep and rugged. The stream widened as they went farther on, till at length it passed under one of the frightful rocks whose summits seemed to reach the clouds. Here our two travellers had the courage to commit themselves to the stream, which, narrowing at this point, hurried them along with a dreadful noise and speed. At the end of twenty-four hours they saw daylight again; but their canoe was smashed to pieces against the rocks. They had to creep along from rock to rock for the length of one league, till at length a spacious plain came into sight. This place was ringed by a chain of inaccessible mountains. The country appeared cultivated for pleasure as well as to produce the necessaries of life. The useful was joined to the agreeable. The roads were covered, or rather adorned, with carriages formed of glittering materials, in which were men and women of surprising beauty, drawn with great speed by red sheep of a very large size, which far surpassed the finest horses of Andalusia, Tetuan, or Mecquinez.

“Here is a country,” said Candide, “that’s better than Westphalia.” He and Cacambo landed near the first village they saw, at the entrance of which they noticed some children, covered with tattered garments of the richest brocade, playing quoits. Our two inhabitants of the other hemisphere amused themselves greatly with what they saw. The quoits were large round pieces, yellow, red, and green, which cast a most glorious lustre. Our travellers picked some of them up, and they proved to be gold, emeralds, rubies and diamonds the least of which would have been the greatest ornament to the superb throne of the Great Mogul. “Without doubt,” said Cacambo, “those children who are playing quoits must be the king’s sons.” As he was uttering these words the schoolmaster of the village appeared, to call them back to school. “There,” said Candide, “is the tutor of the royal family.”

The little ragamuffins immediately dropped their game, leaving the quoits on the ground with all their other playthings. Candide gathered them up, ran to the schoolmaster, and, with a most respectful bow, presented them to him, giving him to understand by signs, that their royal highnesses had forgotten their gold and precious stones. The schoolmaster, with a smile, flung them upon the ground; then examining Candide from head to foot with an air of admiration, he turned his back and went on his way.

Our travellers took care, however, to gather up the gold, the rubies and the emeralds. “Where are we?” cried Candide: “The king’s children in this country must have an excellent education, since they are taught to show such a contempt for gold and precious stones.” Cacambo was as much surprised as his master. At last they came to the first house in the village, which was built in the manner of a European palace. There was a crowd of people around the door, and a still greater number in the house. The sound of the most delightful instruments of music was heard, and a delicious aroma came from the kitchen. Cacambo went up to the door and heard those within talking in Peruvian, which was his mother tongue; for Cacambo was born in the village of Tucuman, where no other language is spoken. “I will be your interpreter here,” he said to Candide “let’s go in; this is an eating-house.”

Immediately two waiters and two servant-girls, dressed in cloth of gold, and with their hair braided with ribbons, invited them to sit down at the table. The dinner consisted of four dishes of different soups, each garnished with two young parakeets, a large dish of bouille that weighed two hundred pounds, two roasted monkeys of a delicious flavour, three hundred humming-birds in one dish, and six hundred fly-birds in another; some excellent ragouts, delicate tarts, and the whole thing served up in dishes of rock-crystal. Several sorts of liquors, extracted from sugar-cane, were handed about by the servants who attended.

Most of the company were merchants and waggoners, all extremely polite; they asked Cacambo a few questions with the utmost discretion and circumspection; and replied to him in a most obliging and satisfactory manner.

As soon as dinner was over, both Candide and Cacambo thought they could pay very handsomely for their entertainment by laying down two of those large gold pieces which they had picked off the ground; but the landlord and landlady burst into a fit of laughing and held their sides for some time. When the fit was over: “Gentlemen,” said the landlord, “I clearly see that you are strangers. We are not accustomed to meeting foreigners; therefore pardon us for laughing when you offered us the common pebbles of our highways in payment for your dinner. No doubt, you don’t have any of our currency; but there is no need for any money at all to dine in this house. All the inns, which are established for the convenience of those who carry on the trade of this nation, are maintained by the government. You have found but very meager entertainment here, because this is only a poor village; but in almost every other of these public-houses you will be given a reception worthy of your merit.” Cacambo explained the whole of this speech of the landlord to Candide, who listened to it with the same astonishment with which his friend communicated it. “What sort of a country is this,” said the one to the other “that is unknown to all the world, and where nature itself is so different from our own? Possibly this is that part of the globe where everything is right, for there must certainly be some such place. And for all that Master Pangloss said on the matter, I often perceived that things went very badly in Westphalia.”