Can't Let Go (18 page)

And so she boarded the first flight heading west.  She climbed aboard the plane and stared straight ahead, unwilling to chance even just a glimpse. 

If she had, she would have seen Logan standing at the window of the terminal, his heart broken, his hopes lost.  She would have seen him fall into a chair and hang his head in his hands, empty—just as she had been all those years ago when she’d woken to find the same note. 

But Abby didn’t look.  She stared straight ahead the entire flight to Phoenix, an emptiness filling her that she knew she would never be able to part from. 

Because the place deep down inside her that imagined a future with Logan—that recognized the love they had—that place was barren now.  And it was no longer his fault—it was hers.  It was all on Abby.

~*~

It was a long flight home.  The flight from Phoenix to Los Angeles had about a two hour layover.  But Abby didn’t care.  She was finally, at last, numb. 

She thought about calling Eric, but she couldn’t.  She needed some more time—just a bit longer to get herself together.  When she finally arrived in Los Angeles, she wandered through the airport just as mechanically as when she’d departed.  A taxi took her home, and she was grateful to find the apartment empty.  It would be easier this way.

Her luggage had been lost among all the confusion, which she had almost expected—so all she carried was her carry-on.  She walked up the stairs and dropped the bag in her bedroom, continuing on to the bathroom and immediately turning on the shower.

His scent still clung to her.  The feel of his mouth on her skin was still there.  She was aching to be rid of it. 

But even as she climbed into the shower, she knew it would be impossible.  Because though she could wash away the physical remnants, she couldn’t forget their night together.  She couldn’t forget the frenzied passion or the sense of completion she felt, laying peacefully in his arms.

A quiet sadness settled over her and she leaned back against the shower wall, her head spinning.  Abby wanted to cry, but for the first time in a week, she found there were no tears left within her.  She was finally all cried out. 

She sunk to the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest.  And she mourned.  She mourned her friends. 
Mourned Logan.
  And she mourned herself.  Because she knew, from here on out, she would never be the same again.

She spent the day keeping busy, trying her hardest to keep
herself
distracted.  After most of her simple cleaning tasks had been completed, she decided to go grocery shopping.  Mindlessly, she walked through the aisles, adding various items to her basket without much care. 

When she returned home to find that Eric still hadn’t arrived, she put the groceries away and set to making dinner.  She heard the phone ring and she sighed, crossing the room to answer it.  Her heart was hammering loudly in her chest and she wondered if Logan may have somehow gotten her number.  She’d been careful throughout the week not to give it to him. 

A sigh of relief escaped her as she realized who it was and she picked up the phone, holding it to her ear.  “Hi Dad,”
  she
said quietly. 

“It’s so good to hear your voice, Abby.”  She smiled sadly, settling herself on the couch.  “How was your flight?  I saw there
was
all sorts of bad weather—”

“We were grounded somewhere in Kansas—just made it home not that long ago.” 

“You sound exhausted—didn’t get much sleep last night?”  A fresh wave of guilt passed through her. 

“Haven’t gotten much sleep this whole week, Daddy.”
  Her tone grew much quieter as she sniffed. 

“That’s understandable, dear.  You had to do something this week that you never should have had to do.  I’m sorry, Abby.”  She felt the now familiar ache in her chest, wondering now if there was some sort of double meaning to his words.  She knew he could only be talking about Hayley and Blake, but in her current state of mind, it almost felt as if he was talking about Logan.  “Even in the face of such unexpected loss, though, you somehow managed to stay—oh, I don’t know the word.  You were luminous, Abigail.  It reminded me so very much of your mother.”

“Dad—”

“No, I mean it.  The day of the funeral, I was seated toward the back when you arrived.  I heard your laughter.  I haven’t heard you laugh like that in ages.  Of course you were sad—but you still shined so brightly.”  Abby felt her heart swell with longing.  There had been a reason she’d laughed like that—a reason she had shone brightly at all.  One reason and one reason alone. 

Logan’s smile materialized in her mind. 

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m proud of you, Abigail.  I’m proud of the woman you’ve turned into—and no matter
what,
I will
always
feel that way.”

She wondered if he would still agree if he knew she’d cheated on her fiancé. 

“Thanks, Daddy,”
  she
whispered, suddenly needing to end the conversation.  She couldn’t talk to him—not like this.  “Listen, I’ve got—I’ve got dinner going, I should really—”

“Oh, of course.”
  He sounded a bit
disappointed,
as if there had been more he wanted to say.  “We’ll talk later.”

“Sure—later,” 

“I love you, Abby.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”  She repeated, pushing the button on the phone to end
  the
call.  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, telling herself that she had made the right choice.  Leaving had been the only option.

She didn’t deserve him.  She didn’t deserve the man he’d become—not when she felt so empty inside.  He deserved someone light and airy. 
Someone free.
  Abigail Lewis was not that girl anymore.  She hadn’t been for a very long time.

Except for last night.
  Last night, she’d stepped back in time—she’d become the girl in the photo from the baseball game who hadn’t a care in the world.  Oh, how incredible it had been. 

But she’d made promises to people.  She’d given her word to a man—promised herself to him.  And he was a good man.  Eric really was.  Maybe he wasn’t exactly the type of man she had seen her life with—but he loved her.  And she would make a new life. 

It was too late to go back. 
Too late to change things.
 

An echo of Logan’s words the night of the funeral sounded in her ears.
“It’s
never
too late, Abigail.  When are you going to wake up and see that?”

But he was wrong.  He had to be.  Because, looking back now, Abby had no idea how she would be able to go back and change things. 
Even if she wanted to.
 

And so Abby rose to her feet and returned to the kitchen, finishing the dinner she was preparing especially for Eric.  Chicken
alfredo
was his favorite.  She knew he would appreciate it.

When he walked through the door not too much later, she felt a bit of panic well up inside her.  Would he be able to tell?  Would he notice the change in her?  Because, now more than ever, she was certain it was there.  Something had changed within her—some quiet little detail, but it had changed the entirety of her being. 

“You’re home,”
  his
voice was pleased as she greeted him in the foyer.  She smiled nervously, unsure of how to behave.  He crossed the way and placed a kiss on her forehead.  “I’m glad.  I missed you.”  He told her and Abby closed her eyes, ignoring the fact that nothing stirred deep within her.  “Is that dinner I smell?” 

“I went shopping.”

“Well, you’ve gotten quite a lot accomplished today.”  If only he knew.  She’d cleaned the apartment, gone grocery shopping, made dinner, and finally let go of the man she’d been trying to forget about for the last six years, all in one day.  That, she mused sarcastically, was quite an accomplishment.  “Shall we?”  He asked and she nodded, leading him into the kitchen.  The meal was laid about on the table, already waiting. 

“I have some news, Eric.”  She said halfway through. 

“Oh?”  His eyes, for just a moment, grew nervous.  “Good news, I hope.” 

Abby nodded, swallowing.  “I’ve resigned from
Rumor
.”  His eyes lit up and she could tell he was truly pleased by the information.  Something within her was slightly disappointed at the reaction. 

“That’s excellent news, Abigail.  Now you can use the next few months to concentrate on the wedding.” 

“Well, I had planned on looking for another job—”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Abigail.  Take some time off.  You never know, you may come to enjoy it.”  The memory of Logan’s claim that Eric didn’t know Abby fluttered into her mind.  Would he ever understand that Abby didn’t want that lifestyle? 
That she was more at home in some chaotic environment than she was sitting around and idly passing time?
  “At least wait until after the wedding.  If you
do
find another job, who’s to say they’ll give you the time off once the wedding gets here?”

She sighed, nodding quietly as she took a bite of food. 

This was her choice. 

Time went on.  Abby created a new routine—nearly the complete opposite of what she had grown used to prior to her friends’ deaths.  There was no
Rumor
.  There was no Hayley.  It was an empty routine, composed of various meaningless interactions. 

Many times a day, she found her thoughts turning to Logan, despite her attempts to separate him from her life.  She wondered where he was and what he was doing.  She wondered if he felt the same emptiness inside him that she felt inside her, growing deeper and deeper on a daily basis. 

A small part of her wished him to be just as unhappy as she was—but she knew it was only a selfish desire.  She really did want him to find happiness, whatever it took.  If it was a new love he required, she hoped he would find it.  He deserved that much.

She wondered
,
if he did find someone new, would he be happy?  Would he be able to forget how strong their connection had been? 

Or would he feel the same as she did, knowing her relationship was nothing more than a lifeless shell in comparison to what they’d had?

Her thoughts would often shift to her own future at this point, and she would contemplate her own impending happiness, attempting to convince herself that she could have it with Eric.  He was a good man—he could give his wife a life to be dreamed about.  A nice house, a comfortable living, luxurious vacations…

Anything but a family, anyway.
 

Because, even if he said that someday he wanted one, she knew he was lying.  He was only trying to placate her.  Only trying to give her something to hold on to, something to hope for.  It wasn’t his fault, really.  She knew what she was getting herself into, and she was going along with it. 

Something inside her was convinced that, if Logan wasn’t going to be in her life, then it wouldn’t be such a disappointment not to have a family either.  Whenever she closed her eyes and pictured her future children, there wasn’t a single one that didn’t have his dark disheveled hair or his intense gray eyes.  She imagined little boys with his devilish grin and little girls with his perfect smile.

Being with Logan had reminded her of everything that she had once hoped for.  And without him, she felt as if her dreams had gone too.  The future was something not to look forward to, but to simply survive. 

Whenever she began to think like this, she would scold herself.  She had gone through the same thing the first time she and Logan had broken up.  She knew exactly what it was that she suffered from—she’d dealt with it before, she could do it again.  Getting over a broken heart had been difficult, but it hadn’t been impossible.

Of course, it had helped to have Hayley.  Hayley, who had routinely called and forced Abby out of
bed
.  Who had, day after day, encouraged Abby to
breathe.
 

And now she had no one.  Sure, she had other friends—but none who had known her as well as Hayley, Blake, or Logan. 

She had asked one of her bridesmaids to be her maid of honor.  Jenny had grown up with she and Hayley, as had most of the girls in the wedding.  They had never been all that close, but Jenny had been the only one not to turn her back on Hayley after she’d married Blake.  That was enough for Abby. 

The months had passed, the wedding quickly approaching.  Abby found herself concentrating more and more on the details so as to distract herself from the reality surrounding her.  It was almost torturous, she thought, having so much free time to try and waste away.  So much time to sit and think
,
to ponder the possibilities, to imagine different realities.  No matter how many trips to the caterers and dress fittings she scheduled, there was never enough to do. 

Abby sighed heavily as she stood in front of the mirror, Jenny standing behind her, pulling the zipper upward.  It was to be the final fitting before the wedding, which was taking place in less than a couple short weeks. 

“Whoa, Abby—have you been doing some enhancement exercises?”  Jenny exclaimed and Abby stirred herself to the present. 

“No—what—”

“Well, whatever you’ve been doing, I want in on it.  Look at those things!”  And for the first time, Abby actually
looked
in the mirror.  She almost laughed—Jenny was right.  The dress felt a bit tighter than it had the last time she’d tried it on and she had definitely developed cleavage that she hadn’t previously had. 

“It’s probably just the bra—I got something with a little push-up.”  Abby did giggle then, covering her mouth with her hand.  “I didn’t think I’d get this much, though.”

“Well, remind me to get the info from you.  Sean would just die.”  Sean was Jenny’s husband—they’d been married nearly a year now.  “Should we have it taken out a bit?” 

“Does it look bad?”  Abby watched as Jenny’s eyes roamed over her reflection. 

“Well,
I
don’t think so.  I mean, isn’t the wedding a bit more on the conservative side, though?”  Jenny had a point.  “You could just try a different bra.”  Abby considered it for several long moments, staring at her reflection.