Can't Let Go - A Contemporary BWWM Romance (22 page)

Antoine
sat quietly in the chair, gripping the arms tight. He started rubbing his palms
nervously against the sides before standing up. I was sure he was going to walk
to the door and leave and I’d never see him again.

To
my surprise, he headed over towards the sofa and took a seat right next to me.
He stared ahead as he scratched the side of his head and cleared his throat. It
was almost like he had something important to tell me.

“Rashida,”
he began, though it didn’t sound good. “Look. You were my first real
girlfriend. The first woman I ever loved.”

“Oh,
okay,” I said as I sunk back into the cushion.
I was about to
get some sort of rejection speech
,
I could feel it
.

“I
have never stopped loving you,” he said.

I
sat back up, suddenly tuned back in, and turned to face him. His eyes shifted
nervously at mine as he clutched his hands together.

He
took a deep breath, and I braced myself for what was to come next. It was
either going to be really good or really bad.

“I’m
not ready to be in another relationship right now,” he said.

My
heart fell deep into my chest.

“But,”
he continued. “It doesn’t mean that I’m not open to the idea of maybe trying to
figure out if there’s something we can salvage here.”

My
eyes lit up, and I couldn’t hide the smile that was spreading across my lips.

“Is
that something you’d be willing to work with?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

I
nodded vigorously and had to keep myself from throwing my arms happily around
him.

“I
want to take things slow,” he said. “I rushed things with Ayla, and look how
that turned out. You and I had our own issues. I want to start slow and fresh.”

“I
think that sounds perfect,” I said with a grin.

He
shifted closer towards me and reached out to take one of my hands in his.

“Like
I said, I never stopped loving you,” he
admitted
as he
looked me deeply in the eyes. “Even when I proposed to Ayla, there was a part
of me that wished it was you standing there.”

“Really
?!
” I asked.

“Ayla
was a fantasy,” he said. “I didn’t have a future with her. I was just fooling
myself to think that she and I had anything in common. Looking back, we
probably looked so silly together.”

“Don’t
say that,” I said as I swatted his arm. “That’s not true.”

“No,”
he laughed, revealing his imperfect smile. “She was totally out of my league.”

“Kevin
was out of my league, too,” I lamented.

“No,”
Antoine insisted. “Rashida, you’re beautiful.”

I
blushed.

“Do
you know how much makeup Ayla has to wear just to get out of the house? Do you
know how much time it takes for her to look that way?” He laughed. “Have you
ever seen her without makeup?”

“No,”
I replied.

“She’s
just as ordinary as anyone else,” he said. “But you… You have an inner beauty
that Ayla can’t even hold a flame to. And it shows on the outside.”

“You’re
being too kind,” I said to him. “I was not a nice person to you. I hurt you. I
was selfish. I—”

“Rashida,”
he said as he squeezed my hand. “Nobody’s perfect. The fact that you didn’t
want to see me get hurt today means the world to me. You tried to do the right
thing. You tried to warn me not to marry her, and it wasn’t for your own
self-serving purposes.”

“I
guess you’re right,” I said. I wanted to pat myself on the back. I really was
growing up.

“Not
a lot of people would’ve done what you did,” he said. “And the fact that you
reached out to me tonight, in spite of the way I’ve treated you every time I’ve
seen you lately, showed me that you really do care.”

“I
know I didn’t always put you first in our relationship,” I said. “But that was
the old me. I’ll never do that to you again, Antoine.”

He
flashed a quick smile and leaned in towards me. I could still smell his cologne
from earlier that day as it wafted off of his warm skin. Some sort of magnetic
pull was happening between us, and within seconds I found my lips on his.
Thankfully, he kissed me back that time.

His
kiss was sweet, tender, and almost timid in nature. He meant what he said about
not rushing things. He didn’t linger. He didn’t place his hands on me. But I
could feel the love that still remained between us. It was a love that had
never fully gone away.

My
future wasn’t with Kevin. It never was. And I wasn’t even sure about my future
with Antoine. But in the same day that I thought I’d lost all hope, I gained it
all back, and then some.

“You
ready, kiddo?” my dad asked as he linked his arm out towards me.

We
stood in the back of the church, me in a gown so tight it almost sucked the
life out of
me and my father
in a suit and tie that
perfectly coordinated with my flowers.

“You
okay?” he asked. He must have noticed I wasn’t myself.

The
walk to the altar suddenly felt like a death sentence as I peer up through my
veil towards a smiling Antoine. If he only knew the conversation I’d just had
with Rashida moments before.

As
the Wedding March began to play and our guests stood up and turned, all eyes
were on me. I plastered on the biggest T.V. news anchor smile I could muster
and fought the hot tears forming in my eyes. I refused to let my guard down. I
was going through with this. It was too late to back out now.

As
my father gave me away and placed my hands into Antoine’s, I couldn’t help but
notice how happy he was. He and my mom had been this happy once, he had told
me. My mom was the love of his life until she passed from cancer when I was
eight.

I
wished more than anything in the world that she was there with me in person on
my wedding day. I wondered what kind of advice she would’ve given me. She was
so worldly and adventurous, or so I’d always been told. I didn’t remember her
much. All I had were pictures of her and a closet full of her clothes. I knew
she was pretty—no, not just pretty. She was drop dead gorgeous. I knew I
had her eyes, her mouth, and her long legs.

Julianne
and I were close, but she always had such high expectations for me. Everything
had to be perfect all the time and we never talked about feelings. She was an
overachiever in the biggest way, and I suppose it trickled down to me as I grew
up with her as my mother figure.

I
looked over at Antoine, and I could tell he could sense the anxiety pouring out
of my every fiber. He mouthed the words “I love you”, but I couldn’t say them
back without getting teary, so I said nothing at all. I lowered my eyes and
stared down at the ground, at his shoes. I couldn’t even look at him.

He
squeezed my hand as if to tell me everything was going to be okay, but that
only made things worse. I felt it in the pit of my stomach. I knew I was making
a mistake. We had rushed things. We should have waited another year. I
shouldn’t have gotten so caught up in weddings and babies and diamond rings.

I
shouldn’t have ended things so soon with Kevin. I was wild about him. We had a
fire and ice relationship. It only lasted a few short months, but it was
magical. Every day was different and every date ended with fireworks. We could
hardly keep our hands off each other, but for the life of us, we could never
get on the same page.

Sometimes
he ran cold while I ran hot, and vice versa, and for whatever reason, neither
one of us trusted each other. I think we were both insecure, but it was nothing
that we couldn’t have fixed had we ever tried.

Instead,
I broke up with him on a whim, thinking he’d fight to get me back. He didn’t.
He didn’t even send a single flower or text or anything. At my lowest point
after our breakup, I’d gone out to the bars by myself.

That
was the night I met Antoine. He seemed easy and obtainable. He was low-hanging
fruit. Most of the guys I tended to go for were afraid to even approach me, so
I always had to approach them. Antoine was definitely approachable.

Once
I got to know Antoine, I couldn’t believe how sweet he was. He was different
from anyone else I’d ever dated. I knew he was special and that I’d be stupid
to let him go. He waited on me hand and foot. He was drama-free and
straightforward. I never had to read between the lines with him, and being
together felt good.

Then
Kevin moved into my building. Seeing Kevinhim while I was with Antoine gave me
a rush. I loved shoving my happy little relationship in his face and showing
him what he was missing out on. It gave me great pleasure and satisfaction to
watch him eat his heart out, but I guess I got a little carried away.

Before
I knew it, Antoine had proposed to me, and I couldn’t say no. My family was
crazy about him. He fit in so well. He was so kind, and I knew he’d make an
amazing husband.

I
could hear the pastor speaking, but it all sounded like Greek to me. I couldn’t
focus on his words. I couldn’t focus on the beautiful
ceremony
taking
place. All I could do was close my eyes and pretend I was
marrying Kevin.

I
knew then and there that I wanted a relationship with fire and spark and
passion, even if it wasn’t always perfect.

I
forced myself to look up at Antoine and flash him a smile. I didn’t want to
hurt him. I loved him, but I wasn’t in love with him. I had no business
marrying him. He deserved a nice, boring girl. Not someone like me who thrived
on attention. The past year had been great, but it had also bored me to death.
I couldn’t imagine a lifetime of that.

As
the pastor asked our guests if anyone objected to our marriage, I squeezed my
eyes tight and hoped and prayed for a miracle. I knew it wouldn’t happen. Those
sorts of things never happened, and especially not when you wanted them to.

I
heard gasps from the pews and the creaking and shifting of people moving around
in their seats. I turned my head and looked out, only to see Kevin standing in
the sixth row.

“Who
invited him here?” I yelled,

My
words sounded angry, but on the inside I was relieved. It was nothing short of
the miracle I’d just prayed for.

“What’s
going on?” Antoine asked me. I couldn’t answer him. Not there. Not then.

Next
to Kevin was Rashida, the girl who worked for my mom. She had a lot of nerve
bringing him there, especially when I’d recently told her about how we’d once
dated.

“Get
him out of here!” I heard my father snarl. Within seconds, two security guards
headed towards him to escort him out of the church.

Kevin
and I locked eyes, and it was like we both knew.

My
hand loosened from Antoine’s and I ran after him. I didn’t even think about it.
I just did it. I probably looked silly, running down the aisle in a poufy white
dress after the man who had just objected to my wedding. I was going to have a
lot of explaining to do, but I didn’t care.

“Kevin!”
I yelled after him as I saw him slip around the corner.

He
spun around, and his expression softened when he saw me.

“Ayla,”
he said as he walked towards me. He slipped his hands around my waist.

“What
are you doing here?” I asked him.

“I
came with a date,” he said. “I’m sorry. I didn’t expect to stand up at your
wedding. Something just came over me.”

I
was secretly glad he did what he did, but I didn’t want him to know that. Not
yet anyway.

“Why
did you do that?” I asked him.

“Because
I still love you,” he replied.

He
leaned over and softly kissed my lips, and it only confirmed what I’d been
feeling. I still loved him too. I wanted to be with him and only him.

“I
missed you so much, Ayla,” Kevin continued. “This last year has been the worst
year of my life.”

“Yeah,
but you moved on,” I replied. “You’re dating that girl from my mom’s work.”

“She’s
not you,” he said. “No one could ever be you.”

He
leaned in and kissed me again. His hands traveled down my hips and pulled me
closer.

“Do
you still love me?” Kevin asked. “Be honest.”

I
paused for a second before responding with a simple, “Yes.”

“It
killed me seeing you with him,” Kevin said. “Watching you day in and day out.
Watching someone else steal my happiness. Our happiness.”

“I
couldn’t trust you, Kevin,” I said. “You couldn’t trust me. That’s why I ended
things.”

“I’m
a changed man,” Kevin replied. “On my father’s grave.”

“I
want to believe you,” I replied.

I
leaned into him and rested my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my back and
held me tight. I’d missed this so much.

“Believe
me,” he said as he pushed me away and cupped my face in his strong hands. “I
want you back, Ayla. I will do anything. I love you. I can’t imagine spending
my life with anyone else but you.”

“Why
did you have to wait until now?” I whined. “Why are you doing this today of all
days?”

“I
had to stop you from making the biggest mistake of your life,” he said. “I knew
you didn’t belong with him. He’s not good enough for you, Ayla. No one is. But
I’m going to try to be if you let me. I promise you that.”

“Oh,
there you are, Ayla.” It was Rashida. “I’ve been looking for you.”

Kevin
and I stepped back away from each other. Our magical little moment had just
been so rudely interrupted.

“So,
um,” she said. “People are wondering what the heck is going on.”

Kevin
and I exchanged looks.

“So
what are you going to do?” she asked.

“I
can’t marry Antoine,” I said as I turned towards Kevin. I knew he’d been dying
to hear those four little words.