Captivated (6 page)

“This therapy works specifically on brain tissue and brain chemistry. The treatment is given daily in multiple segments. With Hannah, I’d suggest three times a day. Each will work to speed the healing of the damage to her neural pathways. It won’t cure her. But it should ratchet back the worst of her symptoms. Her time issues should smooth out. Speech centers of the brain will also be affected and if it works correctly, while not totally healed, it should enable her to be debriefed. Give me three sessions a day for this next week and I think we can move her forward several months. Enough that she can do daily tasks without panic attacks and sleep regularly.”

“You said it was experimental. Why?” Daniel asked.

“It’s not fully accredited and approved by the Federation Medical Consortium. It hasn’t been tested long-term. In some very rare cases it has caused irreparable brain damage. In all fairness, that was in the very beginning. And I hasten to add I’ve administered this treatment four times now and have never had any negative results. I’m one of the doctors who pioneered this treatment and I believe in it. Not for all cases, certainly. But this is not a usual scenario.”

V
incenz had been in meetings all day. She’d done her very best to stay in the background and not make any noise or distractions for him. Though the doctor had brought a calendar in and she could see it had only been ten days since she’d arrived, she missed Vincenz if she didn’t see him.

He had taken to working at the table just outside her room. It had
soothed her fear of being left alone while letting her also be away from all the noise and chaos of the main parts of the house.

Sometimes it had felt as if she were wading back into a real life. Dipping her toe in and letting herself get used to it again.

Julian was out training people or doing something similar. He didn’t say a whole lot but always made an effort for her. He was intense and hard, but smiled at her. His smile lit his eyes and softened the sadness lining his face. She liked him and wondered just what put the pain in his features. It felt safe when he was around.

“I thought I’d bring this in here.” Vincenz poked his head into the room after knocking. He gave her a look as he carried a soft, comfortable-looking chair over and placed it in front of the window.

She’d been in the corner. She knew it was bad. Knew it was silly and made her look crazy, but it seemed to be something she did automatically.

He held a hand out. “No need to hide in the corner, beautiful Hannah. I brought you a chair so you could sit in the sunlight. Dr. Pesch says it’s good for you.”

She took his hand and allowed him to help her to her feet. “I’m sorry.”

Vincenz shook his head and tucked her hair behind her ear. “Don’t apologize. I don’t want you to feel bad. I just want you to feel safe enough not to huddle in the corner. No one can hurt you in this house. You know that, right?”

What she knew and what she felt weren’t always in accord.

“Now I’m the one who’s sorry.” He gathered her to his body and hugged her. Just the way she needed and hadn’t even known it. She burrowed into his chest, breathing him in.

“Would you like to break for some food?” He held her back and looked into her face, taking careful notes. She was tired of careful
notes. “Julian is free and we thought we could all eat together and talk a little. Dr. Pesch is also here.”

She didn’t hate the kind-eyed doctor. But she didn’t like being poked and prodded either. She had no need of doctors just then. She’d spent all her time and energy just not going crazy. Had used up all her skills and knowledge to do so and she was … tired.

“I know you’re wary of him. He’s a good man. There’s no way Julian and I would trust him with you otherwise.”

She shook her head and made the extra effort to shepherd her words into the right order. “Not that. Let’s eat.” She didn’t want to talk about it.

“First tell me if you’re all right with where I’ve placed your chair.” He winked and she smiled at his cheek.

He’d put it just exactly where she wanted it. It was in her favorite spot. Just outside that window was a small garden, enclosed by the high walls surrounding the compound where the house was. She’d begun to yearn for that garden. Sometimes she’d lay on her bed and look out at it, imagining herself out there, her hands in the dirt.

As for the chair?
Her
chair? Not as secure as having your back to the wall, but all things considered, it might be a place to perch. The afternoon in the sunshine seemed a very nice thing indeed. “Yes.” She swallowed. “Thank you.”

“Come on then, let’s get you eating.”

In the dining area, Julian had put out a colorful spread for the late afternoon meal. He saw her and lost the look of concentration he’d been wearing. Instead he grinned and moved to her, bringing her into a tight hug. She hummed, happy, hugging him back.

“It’s our lovely Hannah.” He kissed her forehead and pulled her chair out. “Sit.”

Dr. Pesch sat across from her. She nodded her hello.

Once they’d all gotten seated and plates had been filled, she realized it wasn’t just that Dr. Pesch happened to be there but that he had something to say. It agitated her that they hadn’t just told her up front.

And she said so. Licking her lips and grasping her words tightly. “I am not feeble. If you have something to say …” She looked down and the brush of hair against her cheeks helped. “You should tell me that.”

Julian took her hand, entangling his fingers with hers. “So fierce. We’re not trying to be sneaky. It was time to eat and we wanted to talk with you about something. No harm in doing both at once.”

“Tell me.” After squeezing Julian’s hand she managed to swallow past her fear and anger to take a few bites. It seemed like all she’d done since she’d arrived in Mirage was to eat and sleep.

“We’re at war. I know you have heard part of what’s going on.” Vincenz helped himself to another spoonful of roasted vegetables, putting more on her plate too.

She had known something was wrong. Clearly soldiers didn’t just show up in a lab with helicopters on the roof, start a firefight and blow the place up on leaving. But she hadn’t known it was war.

“And you need something from me.” Fear ate at her. But for them, she’d get through.

“Yes.”

Dr. Pesch broke in. “You’ll heal. Over time the emotional upheaval you’re drowning in will ease. You’ll remember how to react to non-emergency situations in appropriate ways.”

“Will the anger ever stop?”

Vincenz’s mouth hardened.

Dr. Pesch sighed, sorrow threaded through the noise. “It’s healthy to be angry, Hannah. What they did to you was outrageous. If you weren’t angry, I’d be worried. But it will lessen, yes. Over time.”

Her thoughts were so scattered, it took an immense amount of will to force herself to stay cogent.

“Time you don’t have.”

He nodded. “There’s a new treatment for people who’ve been through harrowing ordeals like the one you experienced. You understand of course that the physical damage is one thing, but the emotional and mental toll is harder to address. It takes time and counseling. This treatment speeds some of that process.”

“Invasive?” Her hands shook so she put them in her lap and made fists.

“It would be three times daily. You’ll be unconscious when treated.”

“D-drugged?” Her heart beat so fast she was sure her skin throbbed in time.

“Sedated. So your brain waves are where we need them for the treatment to work. There’s a small cap fitted to your head. Tiny electrical nodes that would be attached to monitor your physical situation.”

“They had you for almost a year, Hannah.” Julian moved his chair closer and took one of her fists, slowly unfurling her fingers to kiss her palm. He … disarmed her. So gruff all the time and yet when he turned his focus on her all that dropped away. He touched her like she was precious and that helped her listen. “They didn’t kill you. If you were a prisoner, they’d have made to trade you or they’d have killed you. We need to know why they kept you alive.”

Didn’t they think she’d wondered that too? Had wondered if her life had come at some expense she didn’t understand? “I don’t know anything!” The rage boiled up and through her system. They’d kept her and hurt her over and over for no reason she could understand. “I studied viruses. I wasn’t political at the foundation. Do you think I’d betray my Universe?”

The words shot from her mouth like bullets.

Julian’s worried look faded a little. “I think that’s the most you’ve said since Vincenz brought you home.” He winked and she laughed. Just a gritty huff of sound, but it felt so very
good
to do.

“Even better, a laugh. No, we don’t think you betrayed us. If you had, they’d have let you go, not kept you penned. But we need to question you about what they did to you and why they might have done it. And you are not in any shape to answer those questions much less dwell too deeply on what happened in that cell.”

“We need to know what you know. You may not even know what it is. We have methods to help people go through these sorts of events. I’m trained to help you find what you may not know. But there is simply no way Julian and I would agree to such a debrief right now. Even if you could withstand it.”

“And you couldn’t.” Dr. Pesch interrupted. “The kind of trauma you’ve endured is quite simply, more than most people could have survived with their sanity intact.”

“Who says it is?” She rubbed her free hand over her face, leaving her hair there for long moments. Julian kept her other hand in his.

“You’re the sanest person I know.” Julian brushed a kiss over her cheek and she laughed again.

“You must not know a lot of people.”

Vincenz tutted and waved that away.

Dr. Pesch spoke again. “This
will
help you. It won’t cure you. But it’ll get you to a place where you don’t pass out from fear every time you see my instruments. I’d be the one to do the treatments, though Julian and Vincenz have both volunteered to learn how to administer the treatments as well.”

Could she do it if they were with her?

“Tell her why it’s experimental.” Vincenz had wariness in his
voice, and a little anger. She was glad he asked and more than a little curious as to why he responded that way.

The doctor told her about the newness of the process and the lack of long-term studies. He told her it might result in irreversible damage to brain tissue.

“I want to emphasize the rare part. The longer we do this, the better we get at it. I’m good at what I do, Hannah. Let me help you. Let me help you help us all.”

She understood. Better than they thought she did. “I don’t need a … guarantee. I know how this works.” Her brain. Well, her brain had always been her strongest asset. If she damaged it …

“There is a chance that the treatment won’t help at all. Though I’ve never had that result with a patient. In the end it’ll take longer to heal with more aggressive medication to normalize.” He shrugged. “I wouldn’t be recommending this if I thought that would be the case. This is extreme. Much as your situation was extreme. But all my patients and those treated elsewhere have had forward momentum. Even if it was very small. You’re a doctor; you know how this all works. I can’t cure you with this treatment. But I can help you find a way to process what happened. And I can help you get to a place where you can help your fellow Federated Universes citizens by being debriefed.”

“What do you think?” she asked Julian.

He grimaced and it made her feel better that he wasn’t so superhuman he could hide his emotions in every situation. “I think it bothers me that you’d be manipulated into an experimental brain treatment by using patriotism. I don’t like what happened to you.”

“Do you think I should do it?”

“I think you should do it only if you want to. I believe Dr. Pesch is a good doctor, good at what he does, and I think if you plan to go ahead, he’s the guy to go ahead with.”

She narrowed her eyes, frustrated. Turning to Vincenz, she caught him watching her and Julian. “What do you think? And don’t say only if I want to.”

Vincenz laughed and he and Julian shared some private, intimate thing, and yet she felt part of it, not apart. “I don’t like the experimental thing. You’re a brilliant woman with a history of doing things that have helped others. I hate the idea that you stand a chance to lose that ability in the future.”

She pushed from her chair and moved to the sink, looking out the window.

“You don’t have to make the decision right now.”

She turned slowly. “I appreciate that, Vincenz, but we know that’s not true. This is rush-rush and my brain is broken. Too broken to be pok—” She wrestled back a sob and hated that weakness. “I’ll do it. Let’s get started so we can be done.”

Her hands shook and all she wanted to do was be well enough to be alone so she could cry in peace.

“I know you’re scared.” Julian stood and moved to her. He slid his palms from her shoulders down her arms, holding her hips. “And I can’t tell you not to be. I’d be scared too. But you’re not broken. And you’re brave. So very brave.”

He hugged her, and she knew she got the front of his shirt wet from all the tears, but she couldn’t help it. Momentarily, Vincenz was there, hugging her from the side. “We’ll be with you. Every step of the way.”

“I
’m going to take this slowly.” Dr. Pesch sat next to her bed. Vincenz had opened the window coverings wide to let the sunlight stream into the room, but it was his presence that held back the darkness. He sat on her other side, squeezing her hand.

Dr. Pesch had already given her the sedative and she felt the cottony numbness fill her from the outer edges to her center. The fear wasn’t so hard to manage. She needed to be grateful it wasn’t the same heart-pounding terror she’d wrestled with only a few hours before.

But it wasn’t enough. As much as she wanted otherwise, what had happened to her still lived inside. The memories fresh enough that she flinched and made an animal sound when Pesch held up the cap. Vincenz kissed her wrist, and Julian rubbed his hands up and down her legs where he’d settled at the foot of the bed.