Captured Secret (The Captured Series) (38 page)

“I’m confused,” Zoey interrupts. “Do you guys like one another or not? Neither of you would be this upset if the answer is no.” We just stare at one another. It seems as though neither will admit either way. “Okay, answer this. Stella, did you have sex with Jason tonight? I thought shark week started?” Zoey asks.

Ty points at me. “Oh trust me…I was between her legs tonight, and she was not on her period.”

“I thought you said it started.” She looks confused at me.

“It did, at dinner. And no, I did not have sex with Jason. I have never chosen Jason, not even tonight.”

“Ty, what do you want from her, just sex?” I can see Zoey’s eyes well up with tears.

“No. Yes. We agreed to casual. I needed you tonight, Stella. You walked out on me.” He’s calm and I can tell he’s sincere, but what would have come of talking? I probably would have screwed up and told him my true feelings. I love him.

“I’ve needed you too. I care so much for you, Ty. You’ll never know the extent of my feelings. You’ll never let me in. It’s hour by hour with you, Ty. Hour by hour, you decide if I’m enough. I’m not. I get it. You said you can’t. Well, neither can I.”

I walk to my bedroom, and hear Ty shout, “She didn’t even finish me, Stella! She wasn’t you! The bottom line…is…she wasn’t you!” I assume he’s talking about his girlfriend from last night. I close my door and lock it, head into my bathroom, close the door and lock it. Strip my clothes, start the shower and get in. I sit, hang my head and cry. Really cry. I will call this a disgusting display of emotion as I see it. I’m bawling like a baby. My heart is broken. He’s drunk and being mean and I was just as mean back…destructive.

It’s all so simple, and a neon sign is flashing the solution to all of this. End it. He’s worried I’ll stray and he won’t give me anything more than casual. I’m not enough to hold his body, mind or heart. Why force it any longer? It’s all so simple on how to end our misery. Just end it for good.

We aren’t, and never were, truly a couple. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t feel that way a lot. So why does this hurt so bad?

The answer…There is one thing I can’t deny. I love him, and all I ever wanted was for him to love me.

I wanted to be with him. I should have never gone out with Jason. I went for all the wrong reasons. I wear every poor decision on my shoulders, and in an instant, I switch it back and put it all on Ty. I feel so confused when I think of him clinging to me tonight asking me not to go. What would the outcome be if I didn’t go? What would he have told me? What would he have said if I told him I love him? I wince, thinking of his reaction.

I know they all want in. I can hear them banging, but I just need to be alone. I turn off the cold shower and wrap up in towels. My bed is warm and the tears still fall uncontrollably. I wish the fist squeezing my heart would ease up. I allow my mind to go day by day of being with him. So many ups and downs and ultimately we both wanted different things, day in and day out. Him, just wanting some companionship and sex with no strings attached. And me, completely opposite, I wanted it all. I wanted him and me. I wanted love.

I know I will have to go through the range of emotions. Right now, it’s sadness and my body is heavy with it. A soft knock lands on the door and I hear Zoey’s gentle voice. I get up, turn the lock and lie back down. She enters and slowly slips on my bed. Lying on her side, with her head propped up on her elbow, she rubs through an exposed part of my hair. “They left. Pierce went with them to drive them home. They both reeked of alcohol. Pierce just called and Ty is still drinking but has at least calmed down to where they aren’t fighting him to keep him from coming back over here to you. He is still insistent that he needs to talk to you.” I don’t speak a word. My eyes are fixed on a button on her shirt. “You don’t want him to come back over, right? I told them absolutely not.” I shake my head no. “Oh, friend, why didn’t you tell me? I’ve always been there for you. Why did you do this alone? I would have understood. I mean I know I told you to have sex with him, but I saw from both of you that it was not just sex. I knew not to push more than the physical attraction. Pierce told me Ty doesn’t do relationships.”

I croak, “He doesn’t, and I’ll never try again either. I just need to shut down this heart that has so many feelings and live everyday not worrying about love. I know I was settling, but you make sacrifices for the ones you love. And Zoey, I love him.”

“That saddens me, Stella. It really does. Does he love you, friend?”

“No,” comes out on a whisper and all the bits of my crushed heart blow away in the wind. We lay in silence. Zoey falls asleep before me. I tuck into her chest and at some point, after hours of crying, my eyes close.

I realize Zoey’s gone. I pee, wrangle my still wet hair into a bun, and throw on a tank and panties. As I slide back into bed and pull the covers over my head, I beg my mind not to think. I called out of work today and plan to sleep all day so I don’t have to feel. Don’t have to deal. Don’t have to face how inadequate I feel. The weeks of never stopping, and my brain being on emotional overload, sends me back into a deep sleep.

My phone dings, and when I emerge, I see it’s four in the afternoon. I pick it up and I didn’t think my heart could hurt any more, but it does when I see Ty’s name.

Ty: Stella PLEASE!! I need to see you! I need to know you are okay! I need to apologize! God, please, Stella…talk to me.

Me: I’m crushed.

Ty: Fuck! Can we talk please? Meet with me! Talk to me on the phone…anything. Text me. I’ll take anything Baby.

Me: Sure lets text and make it short and sweet. You were right. I was wrong. It always comes to an end at some point. This is the end. It hurts and then you have to rebuild. And I’m most certainly going to have to rebuild.

Ty: Told you I speak the truth. Sorry. Sorry for everything Stella. :0(

And the tears return. I grab a box of Kleenex and head out on the balcony. I need a change of scenery to let all this drip from my eyes. I want to grab my phone. I want to call him and meet him. I want us to wind up having sex. I want to hear what he wanted to talk to me about. I want to know what he would have said. Not knowing is driving me to the brink of insanity. I fucked this up. I agreed to casual and pushed for more. This was all my fault. I get up and run to the front door to make sure it’s locked. I panic thinking he would come over after our text. I just can’t see him or talk to him. Oh God. My mind gets like this when I’m stressed. A million thoughts a minute and they all crash together. I feel like I’m going to explode! Too many bombarding me at one time! I find allergy medication that I know will knock me out. Two pills down along with Ibuprophen for my cramps and about fifteen minutes later, I lay on the chaise, numb, and fight my eyes.

“Stella, Stella.” I pry my groggy eyes open to see Pierce with a bottle of water. “Hey, I wanted to see if you want to move to your bed. You’re all balled up on the chair. I got you water, too.”

I sit up; I can only imagine what I look like. I take the water and realize it’s been, like, twenty four hours from the last time I ate or had a drink. “Thank you, and no, just leave me. I’m just sleepy.”

“I really wish you guys would have at least told me and Zoey. Maybe none of that would have happened if you guys would have had a sounding board. I mean, it was obvious you both let everything fly out last night. It’s very obvious you both care about one another or none of that shit would have bothered either one of you.”

“I almost told Zoey one night, but there really wasn’t much to say. She would have had a million questions and I didn’t have any answers. I owe her an apology. We tell each other everything. Sorry you all had to see that last night. That has never happened. I think it just all came to a head.”

“You have no idea. The last time I saw Ty that crazy mad was the time he found Lacey with the neighbor. His mom makes him that crazy too. I want to apologize for some of the things he said. I was floored some of that came out of his mouth. He never talks to anyone like that, much less a woman he cares for. I think I stayed quiet because I was in shock you guys were together, and I couldn’t believe the shit coming out of either of your mouths, especially his. He would kick his own ass for speaking to a woman like that if he was right in his head.” He tucks a wild strand of hair behind my ear. I sip the water and snuggle back down into my blanket.

“Sorry I made him that way, Pierce. Some of it was my doing. Some of it wasn’t. It never should have gotten to us showing our asses like last night. I rarely ever said anything about our arrangement… neither did he. I just want to get back to normal. I hope we can be cordial to each other one day.”

“Me too, how long has this been going on?”

“About a month. We’ve spent a lot of time alone, Pierce.”

“Wow. He doesn’t stay with women that long.”

“Really? Or does he just not tell you?”

“No. If you think about it, Stella, Zoey and I are new at dating. I was with him all the damn time. The women were one night. Maybe two. And they were very fast and uncomplicated.” My tears well and fall. “Damn, I don’t want to make you cry, Stella. I just want to understand better. You guys kinda blindsided me, Zoey and Max. Jaxon admitted to us that he knew.”

“I already miss him, Pierce. I miss our friendship. His voice and the way he smells. I always looked forward to going over there. You have never seen it, but we are very comfortable in one another’s company. Now, without him I feel very alone.” I wipe at the spilling tears.

“We are here for you both. It’ll get better, and easier, I promise. We will all work on it, okay?” I just nod yes, but that feels so very far away.

Addicted - Saving Abel

Locked Out Of Heaven - Bruno Mars

Falling In - Lifehouse

Long Day - Matchbox Twenty

Numb - Linkin Park

Clarity - Zedd

I Don’t Want To Love Somebody Else - A Great Big World

Say Something - A Great Big World ft. Christina Aguilera

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Wow…where to begin? So many people have supported me through this roller coaster ride of ups and downs. Captured Secret is finally published, so I would first like to thank my amazing husband and adorable boys for dealing with me while my head was in the clouds as I typed away. Thank you for just listening when I had a smile on my face that I couldn’t contain and not judging when I cried and put my laptop down angry or frustrated.

I also want to thank my family for that night we sat in Chili’s and I said, “So I’m going to write a book.” No one looked at me like I was certifiable and you all were confident I could succeed. My dad pushed me daily to publish and get my story out there.

My biatches…you all know who you are. Thank you for listening to all my “crazy”, yet I never really told you anything because I wanted you to read the book and not hear the story from my mouth. You guys were my cheerleaders through all the times I cried with doubt….you beta read and were honest. I love you girls to pieces.