Carpe Diem - Jesse 3 (18 page)

“Yeah, but this time it was different, though.”

“Oh really? Different, hmm, sounds like the same MO. Jesse gets jealous, Jesse flies off the handle and somebody gets a bloody nose. How, exactly, is that different? Because I don’t ...”

“Because of these.” He walked into the room and threw a couple of black and white photographs onto the bed. They were quite worn on the edges, like they had been handled a lot. They landed on top of my swatches making for a peculiar kind of collage on my bedspread.

My eyes fell to the pictures and I furrowed my brow as the image I was seeing sunk into my brain. “What are these?” I picked up the one on top to examine it further but I couldn’t comprehend what I was seeing. It looked to me like Gio and I were kissing, but I knew for a fact that we never kissed. Indeed he had wanted to, but it never happened.

I rose from the bed in disbelief. “This looks like...”

“A fake, I know.”

“But where did these come from? First of all, this never happened. Gio and I never kissed or did anything, for that matter. And secondly, how the hell could you even believe that I would do this with Gio?”

It felt like a knife cut my heart into a million pieces. I was beyond shocked. I thought I knew Jesse better than that. No, actually I thought he knew me better than that. I thought our love for each other was true.

A vision flashed through my mind, a vision of me walking quietly over to the window and jumping out. Jesse had assumed I was cheating on him with Gio. I took a deep breath and swallowed the urge to cry. This was too confusing and I still couldn’t understand how these pictures came to be. I shoved both hands through my hair, while pacing the floor, trying to wrap my mind around this whole crazy thing Jesse was telling me.

“Wait, so you’re telling me you saw these pictures, but no one told me, they just mysteriously showed up and the minute you saw them you just believed I was fucking Gio so you go and confront him. Is that right? Why the hell didn’t I know about these photos, Jesse? Why is this the first time I’ve seen these pictures? And, more importantly, why the hell didn’t you trust me? Did our love mean nothing to you?”

“I know. I should’ve come to you first. I’m sorry. Believe me, I feel like a jerk for not trusting you, Niki, but Gio had the hots for you. He admitted it to me the day he came to the jail, when he told me the pictures were fake. And you
know
me. I always act first and ask questions later. It drove me crazy to think of another man putting his hands on you and kissing you.”

“You mean Gio had these pictures the day I came back from running errands and found him bleeding on the floor?” A hot wave of humiliation shot through me. Gio had been using me for his own purposes after all. Was every fucking man in this world a self-centered liar? My mind was whirling with self-deprecating thoughts. Why was I so stupid? Men just wanted me for my body. I would never be taken seriously in my career. I’d only be successful if I used my beauty to get ahead. Is that the lot in life for a beautiful, intelligent woman? And all the “should haves.” I should have known; I should have stood up for myself. I never should have gone to Italy.

Gio was a dog, I already knew that, but I had to ask the question. “Why didn’t Gio tell me about these pictures that day?” I threw my hands up in the air in exasperation.

“I guess Gio ‘conveniently’ forgot to show them to you.” Jesse tipped his chin to his chest and gave me a look. “After I went to his studio to confront him, I was in such a rage I left them there, along with Gio and his broken nose. I sort of left in a hurry.”

“I’m confused. Where did the pictures come from and who tampered with them to make it look like Gio and I were... well, you know.”

“I found them in my trailer that morning. They were just lying there on the table. Anyway, long story short, Gio came to the jail and we straightened things out, he dropped the charges, and a few hours later I was released. “

“So, if Gio didn’t make the pictures, then who did? Who would want to do such a thing?”

“It was Santini. He was trying to get me kicked off the team by doing something stupid and it worked. You know me. He gambled on his hunch and he was right. If it wasn’t for Gio coming forward, I would still be off the team and his plan would’ve worked. But I don’t give a shit about that, Niki.” He moved closer and reached for my hands. “What I’m concerned about... No, what I’m Goddamn scared shitless about, is losing you.”

His eyes softened, filled with sincerity. I was standing so close, I could have kissed him, but instead I took a deep breath and sat down on the bed again, letting my hands slip out of his.

“Jesse...” I shook my head and tossed the picture back on top of the other one. I didn’t even want to see what the second one looked like. This was all too unbelievable and disgusting. To think that one of Jesse’s teammates, someone who was supposed to be on his side, would turn against him and use images of me to do his dirty work. And then there was Jesse’s behavior. The same old same old. Always hot-headed and jumping to conclusions. I got it. I understood now why he was angry at Gio, but I was so tired of Jesse’s “bad boy” routine taking my emotions on a rollercoaster ride. Is that what I wanted in a boyfriend? Was this what I wanted for my future? What if one day, down the road, he turned his anger on me? Like he almost did that night after the sponsor party.

“I love you, Jesse, and I believe you love me, too. I know what you’re like and how you react, but that’s no excuse. You can’t just go crazy on people and say, ‘well, that’s just the way I am.’ There are consequences to your behavior. You hurt me, Jesse, and I don’t know if I can keep doing this. This time you beat up someone important to me, someone who was helping me. I’ll admit, Gio also had other intentions. Yes, he was attracted to me, but you tore up his place and broke his nose. What about next time? What if next time it’s my dad who ends up with a broken nose, or me? I don’t want to live in fear of my boyfriend, the one I’m supposed to trust more than anyone else.”

“You’re right. I totally understand. That’s why I just signed up to... to this.” He pulled something out of his back pocket and handed me a slick, brochure. I unfolded it and I read the title.

“Anger management? You signed up for this?”

He nodded. “I had my first session earlier today. The counselor said I have a lot of stuff to work on. We had a one-on-one session, first. This is a group thing I can go to once a week.”

I looked up at him with a glimmer of hope in my eyes. “Good for you, Jesse.” I was truly glad he recognized that his anger issues were hurting his relationships with others; however, I still wasn’t convinced I could forgive him so easily, or if I even should forgive him at all. This new information about some defamatory photographs of me and Gio created a new wound in my already aching heart. Maybe I needed to take a good look at what kind of people I was surrounding myself with in my life. Maybe it was time to get rid of all the drama.

“I just don’t know... this is a lot to process all at once.”

“I get it. Just know that I’m going to be around for a while and I miss you every minute. I will do anything to get you back.” He sat down beside me on the bed, took both of my hands in his and gazed into my eyes with soft blue orbs.

The touch of his hands filled me with a warmth that spread all the way to my toes. I could feel my muscles relaxing as I let out a breath. I looked again into his eyes and they were brimming with sincerity when he spoke. “I can’t live without you, Niki. You’ve got my head spinning. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. You totally have my heart in your hands. I’m all yours. I’m... I’m head over heels in love with you.

“The moment we met and I saw your beautiful smile, I knew in my heart that you were for me. I was drowning in self-pity, going crazy, out of my mind, then you kissed me and I came to life. I felt like with you I can do anything. I’m invincible, I can fly, I can breathe underwater... I’m like Superman and you’re my Lois Lane. I love everything about you. You are beautiful, strong, and intelligent. I love your flaws and your perfection, your ups and your downs, even if I lose you, I feel like I have won something just by knowing you. If you don’t want me, like I want you, then I’ll be content to admire you from afar. But if you decide to give us one more chance, I promise you, I will give you everything. I love all of you, with every ounce of my being.”

Hot tears rolled down my flushed cheeks and I didn’t realize until he let go, how tightly I had been squeezing his hands this whole time.

“I’m not going to sit her and beg you, or plead with you to take me back. I respect that you need space and time to think.” He stood up and let go of my hands, then started walking to the door. I let my hands fall limply into my lap and stared at them for a moment. My breath hitched as I gasped for air. The sobs were coming thick and fast. I lifted my arm and wiped the tears away with the sleeve of my shirt, trying to get control, while my body jerked with each new sob.

I was about to call after him, tell him to stop, say that I forgave him and that I loved him with all of my being too, when my eye caught sight of the photographs still lying on the bed. The words never made it out of my mouth. The bedroom door clicked shut and I was left, sitting on my bed, with those horrid photographs next to me, alone in my room, feeling so small.

Jesse

T
here was the sound of sputtering air as I moved the spigot forward and nothing but white foam dripped out of the spout. The keg under the bar was out of beer and needed replacing. It felt like an eternity since I had been working at Rookies with Kenny and Chase. So much had happened in Italy that the entire experience seemed like it happened a million years ago, but the pain of losing Niki was still fresh in my heart.

The daily chores that I used to do now seem foreign and I moved stiffly through the motions of replacing the empty keg. It was late morning and the California sun was doing its usual thing, shining without fail. Kenny and I were getting ready to open the bar for the day.

I squatted down behind the bar to loosen the valve that connected the keg to the tap apparatus. Kenny came out from his office in the back and picked up a clean bar towel. Several beer and wine glasses sat upside down on the counter outside of the glass wash sinks and Kenny began wiping the spots off the glasses, one by one.

We had been talking all morning as we worked, getting caught up on what had happened here in Santa Monica while I was away and I filled him in on all the crap that happened to me in Italy, both the good and the bad. It felt good to be able to talk to him so openly. Despite the years that we were apart, it was amazing how quickly we fell into a comfortable relationship when I first came to California to help him with his bar. It really did feel like we were father and son.

So we chatted, to pass the time while we worked and the bond grew deeper.

“Hey, Kenny. When I was in Italy I saw a lot of Ferraris on the street in Milan. The Italians are crazy about them. Do you like Ferraris?”

“Those are nice cars, alright. But you know me, I’m a Camero man. Love the old muscle cars.”

The white bar rag paused, as Kenny thought for a moment then said, “It’s nice to have you back, son.”

“Oh we’re back to that, are we?” I chuckled and stood up, finished with swapping out the beer kegs. A mischievous smile curved my lips and I said, “So I noticed since I’ve been back that Mom has moved out of the spare bedroom and into yours.”

“Yeah, I want to talk to you about something.” He set the cleaned glass up onto the shelf behind the bar with all the others and tossed the towel onto the work station area.

He had a serious look on his face when he spoke. “Since Emily’s dad, your grandfather, is no longer around to ask, I want to ask you if I have your permission to marry your mom?”

“Whoa. A lot really has happened while I was in Italy. Kenny, that’s great.”

Kenny pulled a dark blue velvet ring box out of his pants pocket and opened it to show me the ring. I didn’t know much about engagement rings but this one looked cool. It was simple, with one large diamond set on a gold band, yet impressive. It sparked in the reflection of the overhead bar lights so I figured Mom would like it just fine. But was she ready for this? It was a big step and she had been hurt so many times in the past.

“Moving kind of fast, aren’t you?”

“I’m not getting any younger, you know, and who knows if she’ll even say yes? I know she’s fragile, but I truly hope she does say yes. I know it’s probably hard for you to think of your parents this way, having romantic feelings, but I’ll tell you Jesse, as you get older it never changes. You still want that ultimate connection with someone. I didn’t think it was possible. She makes me feel young again. I even surprised myself. It’s amazing how the heart flourishes when you meet the right person. The body may get old and have problems that can’t be fixed, but the heart can always be mended.”

“Looks like I might have to call you Dad, after all. Oh great, one more issue I have to work out in my counseling sessions.” I smiled and gave him a light punch on the upper arm “You know I’m kidding.”

“You can call me whatever you want. You don’t need to call me Dad. I want to tell you something though, if you don’t mind me giving you some advice. Jesse, I know you’re hurting over Niki and I really hope it works out, but no matter what happens, there are people here who love you very much. And you should be proud of this— I will always be grateful to you, not only for the bone marrow thing but for bringing your mom and me together again. I would be dead by now if it weren’t for you. You made it all happen. You made it possible for me to have a future.”

“Don’t get all sappy on me. That’s what anyone would do, especially a son.” I felt something softening in my heart. It was like the Grinch in the Christmas cartoon I watched every year when I was a child. My heart opened and felt like it expanded. This was a new sensation for me. Other than Niki, I had never realized a person could feel like this toward their father, since my own father, the man who raised me, had been a drunk. He wasn’t the best at handling his emotions. That’s why he drank, I suppose. Growing up with a crazy home life only taught me the mistaken idea that men drink away their problems.