Cartography for Beginners (24 page)

"We love it," said Micah. "So much history and art and everything."

"Our vacation is centered around Jamie's exhibition opening," said Dune. "There's been a lot of art so far."

"Oh, wonderful. I donated the piece I bought to that. So he's here, too?"

"He is," Dune said. "He's doing an original mural for the gallery."

"Fantastic!" David exclaimed. "I'd love to see him again."

"He'd love to see you again too, I'm sure," Leo said.

"It's Dune and Leo's first trip here," Micah said, his eyes enormous and worshipful as he gazed at David. "We're trying to do traditional tourist stuff today, Westminster Abbey and the Houses of Parliament and Big Ben."

"If you time it right you might see the changing of the guard at the palace, too," David said. "I think the Queen's in residence today." He flashed his smile at the other observers crowding around, some with cameras and autograph books out. "Excuse me, won't you, guys? I have only a few minutes between takes. Oh,
God
, it's good to see you, though."

"Of course," Leo said, and David leaned over the fence once more to hug them all quickly.

"You didn't email me," David said into Leo's ear.

"I thought you'd be busy," Leo said.

"I'm calling you tonight. We need to get together while you're here."

"I'll be waiting," Leo promised and then released him to his fans.

They took another path that skirted around the film set. Dune said as they walked, "You know, since the Rupert thing didn't work out..."

Leo raised an eyebrow at him. "What are you suggesting?"

"David's a friend, you like each other, God knows he's one of the most gorgeous things to walk the Earth -- maybe we're wrong with the boy toy idea. Maybe somebody old is better for you."

"David's ten years younger than I am," said Leo. "But I keep forgetting I'm ancient and decrepit."

"Oh, Dad." Dune put an arm around Leo's waist. "Older. Older than Rupert."

"Mature," Micah put in.

"Mature isn't how I'd describe David, either," Leo said.

When they'd walked as far as they could on empty stomachs they stopped in a pub for a late lunch, and Micah said to Leo as Dune tried his hand at some snooker, "So what about Stuart?"

"What about him?" said Leo. "The Cornish pasties are excellent."

"Something's up there. I can't figure out what."

"Neither can I," Leo admitted.

"So something is going on!"

"A small and confusing something," said Leo. "We've been sleeping together--" Micah yelped and covered his mouth with his hands. "Platonically," Leo added. "The last couple nights. I don't know what it means. I'm not even sure why I want to, except he's nice to fall asleep with."

"So are you dating or what?"

"Or what," Leo said. "I like him and I know he likes me, but it's -- I don't know. He's made it pretty clear he doesn't want anything like a relationship, but fuck me if I can figure out exactly what he does want."

"And you, Leo?" Micah said. "What do you want?"

Leo leaned back in his chair and looked out the wavy glass to the bustling streets. "I don't know anymore. Sometimes I think I want to start over completely. It's exciting to fall in love. But sometimes I think I miss Adam and want him back more than anything."

"But if he wanted to come back, would you go?"

"I wish I knew," Leo said.

Dune came back to the table then, looking preoccupied. "Do either of you have any paper on you? I want to write something down."

"I've got some, babe," said Micah and passed him a notepad and a pen.

"Thanks, sweetheart." Dune sat at the table to write his note. Leo watched Micah watch him, smiling even though it made him feel wistful. They were so easy together, Micah's hand gentle in Dune's curly hair, Dune accepting the touch but not distracted by it until he was done.

Micah would never break Dune's heart. Leo had never worried a moment once he knew they were together, even when the two of them weren't sure what they wanted from each other. Dune was elegant and thoughtful and beautiful, and Micah was rumpled and bouncy and cute, and they fit each other perfectly. Leo had never thought Dune would find stability with a boy like Micah, but he had and he was, despite everything else he had to cope with, happy.

"Where do we want to go next?" Micah said as Dune continued writing. "Is it time to get Stuart to come out and play?"

"I think it is," said Leo, because no matter what else he might want, right now he wanted Stuart's company.

***

Except for the portion of the gallery wall roped off for Jamie to begin his mural, the gallery was close to ready for the exhibition to open. Many paintings were still under protective drop cloths and while the stands for sculptures had only their labels, it was easy to imagine how the room would look on opening night.

Stuart had some business to finish before he could leave for the day, so the boys wandered off to look at other wings and Leo sat on the bench in front of the angel painting. His legs ached a bit from the walking; though the streets of London were far easier on his muscles than the hills of San Francisco, he suspected he hadn't walked so far in so short a time for years.

He took out his phone and called up the email program, and laboriously -- typing with his thumbs would never feel natural -- wrote an email to David, telling him about the other stops they'd made and the interesting people they saw.
We're going out to dinner with Stuart Huntsman tonight,
he wrote at the end.
If you're not working late we'd love to have you along.
He sent the email and looked up at the painting again.

How did it feel to be that idolized?
he thought. Adam had written poems about him when they were first together but had never let anyone but Leo read them; while Jamie proudly displayed this picture every chance he got and even Ben, while he was never quite comfortable with being the best-known model in Jamie's work, always answered questions about it in interviews and even when it came up during competitions.

There were footsteps behind him on the polished wood floor, and Leo said, "Micah says Ben has always been Jamie's angel, and he's Dune's knight in shining armor," as Stuart came around the bench to sit beside him. "Do you ever wonder what archetype you are to your friends?"

"Big bad wolf," said Stuart.

"You're the wise man. You're the mentor, guiding the hero along the way. You're not the bad guy."

"Tell that to the boys," Stuart said.

"I do, when I need to. Jamie doesn't think you're a bad guy. Micah doesn't."

"Jamie thinks I want you," Stuart said.

"Is he wrong?" Leo gazed at Stuart's profile, classically handsome as a bust of a Caesar, eyes as blue as the sea. Even his five o'clock shadow was beautiful, golden-brown against his skin. When Stuart's silence stretched out, Leo sighed and said, "We ran into David Campbell while we were out earlier. He's in London to make a movie."

"As actors often do."

"He wants to get together some night while I'm here."

Stuart finally looked at him, blue eyes steely. "Indeed."

"You don't mind, do you?"

"Of course not," said Stuart. "You can do whatever you like. In fact I'd prefer it. I don't need you hovering over me like I'm one of the boys. They need looking after. They need someone to advise them. While I've had quite enough of your wisdom and I certainly don't want so much as a bedtime story. You can sleep in your own bed tonight."

Leo said, "You know, you can be a real shit sometimes," and turned away from Stuart, his hand pressed to his mouth.

"I know," Stuart said in that same cold tone. "People never fail to remind me."

"I don't mean that," Leo said, and added at Stuart's snort, "Okay, maybe I do. You say people get tired of you -- it's not you they get tired of, it's the fucking attitude. All I want is for you to make up your mind."

"Make up my mind," Stuart said, eyes widening in disbelief. "You're the one crawling into my bed every night as if I'm some sort of teddy bear, but you run into your famous friend and you don't hesitate to desert me for him. Or that boy Rupert -- you wanted him but the moment it became too much for you, it was right back to me -- 'Oh, Stuart, come rescue me, I'm overwhelmed!'" he mimicked. "And you couldn't even admit it. If I'm giving off mixed signals I'm certainly not the only one." He poked Leo in the chest with an angry forefinger. "I will not be settled for."

"I would never settle for you," said Leo.

A muscle twitched in Stuart's jaw. "No. You wouldn't. I'm not safe enough for you."

"That's not--"

"Dad?" said Dune softly from the other end of the gallery, and Leo turned away from Stuart. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah." Leo rose from the bench. "Just two old rams butting heads. Are you ready to go? I'm starving."

Micah said, frowning at them, "Stuart? Are you coming?"

"In a moment." Stuart rested his forehead on his fingertips. "Why don't you all go ahead to the car?"

Leo waited until the boys had gone, and tried again with, "That's not what I meant, Stuart. I don't mean I'd never--"

Stuart didn't look up. "I would really like it if you'd stop talking to me right now."

"Right," Leo said, stunned with how much that hurt, and followed the boys out.

***

It was a quiet, awkward supper, the conversation carried by Micah and Dune, and Leo went to bed as soon as they were back at the house. Stuart tried to read as the boys played a card game, their music soft on the stereo, but finally gave up and put the book aside to go out into the garden. The light was still soft as the sun sank low, enough that Stuart could see the slow-moving boats on the river.

He took out his mobile and scrolled through his contact list. Tallis had given him the number to her mobile as well as her hotel room, and he thought about calling her though he didn't know what he wanted to ask her. For Jean-Claude's number, for Joelle's, but what would he say to either of them? What would be the point? He'd lose them the same way he was losing Leo, the same way he had lost them before.

Stuart put his mobile away again. He looked up at the house and the window of Leo's room. The light was on -- reading, Stuart supposed, or using the internet.
Emailing David Campbell,
he thought and felt the sharp bite of jealousy again.

The garden door opened and he looked back to see Micah. "Mind if I join you?" Micah said and plopped on Stuart's knee as if he knew he'd be welcome there. Stuart put an arm around his waist to keep him from slipping.

"Would it matter if I did?"

"Nope," said Micah cheerfully. He put his arms around Stuart's neck. "Tell me what's wrong."

Stuart sighed. "David Campbell is very handsome."

"Yup. Hot, too. Don't say you're upset about him -- he loaned a painting to the show. You must have some kind of relationship."

"We've corresponded about the painting," Stuart said with a nod. "But he and Leo, they're good friends."

"Because they've known each other since Dune was, like, eight." He leaned closer, looking into Stuart's eyes. "Is this why you and Leo aren't talking to each other? Because of David?"

"Leo thinks I have a terrible attitude."

"You can be controlling," Micah said and Stuart snorted. "That's why you like us young guys, isn't it? Because we like being told what to do."

"There's nothing wrong with appreciating youth and beauty."

"While Leo just has beauty." Micah frowned at him. "Oh, my God, Stuart! You rascal! You didn't tell me you wanted Leo!"

"I don't," Stuart said, and when Micah made a disbelieving noise Stuart said, "All right, I do, but I can't have him."

"Why not?"

"Because he's -- he wants Adam. Or if not Adam, someone like Adam, someone he can have a family with."

"You're a family man," Micah pointed out.

"Badly," Stuart said. "Reluctantly. I haven't been a father for twenty-five years."

"But you're a father anyway," Micah said. "And now you're a grandfather."

"What does that mean, being a grandfather? I haven't even seen the boy."

"But he's here. He exists because of you. And you want to see him, don't you?" Micah followed Stuart's gaze as he tried to look away. "You can tell me. I won't tell anyone."

"I do," Stuart admitted and Micah laughed with delight.

"I knew it! You want him around. You want all of them around. You want to go to that wedding and you want to play with Gabriel."

"What good does it do me, though? What's the point of wanting to be near them if they don't want to be near me?"

Micah sighed in frustration. "Love is a two-way street, you know. They're already making the effort. Everything from here on out is pretty much up to you." Stuart looked away again, and Micah added, "Like with Leo. Two-way street."

"Leo doesn't want me. He just wants someone."

"Why can't you be that someone?"

"Because I don't want to be just someone. I'm like everyone else, Micah-child. I want to look into someone's eyes and know I'm everything they want -- not that I'm the least amount of compromise they could make." He looked over his shoulder at the house again.

Micah said, his face solemn, "What do you see when you look at him?" Stuart didn't answer, and Micah said, "Jamie and I have talked about you, you know. I think this whole plan of finding him some random guy to sleep with is a bad idea. I think it's not Leo. Jamie disagrees -- he thinks Leo needs somebody new, entirely new, like he needs to start over. Jamie thinks you look at Leo like you want to take everything he has."

"And what do you think?" Stuart whispered.

Micah smiled. "I think you look at Leo like you want to give him everything." He hopped off Stuart's knee and bent to kiss his hair. "I love you, you know."

Stuart looked up at him, his eyes full. "I know."

"I don't know what you need more, getting used to hearing it or getting used to saying it. Good night, Stuart."

"Good night, Micah-child."

"I'm twenty-four," Micah called over his shoulder.

"You're still a child," Stuart called back, and smiled to himself as Micah laughed.