Cartography for Beginners (26 page)

"Good enough." David took a deep breath. "I had the worst crush on you that year we were performing together."

"Oh," said Leo, which he knew was inadequate.

David chuckled and stabbed his pie with his fork. "Well, at least you're not upset. You were so head-over-heels for Adam anyway that I didn't feel right about saying anything. I've been wondering lately if I had, if I could have spared you some pain."

"You were-- what, eighteen? Nineteen? Just a kid."

"I was twenty-one when we were in
The Tempest
," David said. "I'm not saying I think I could have been everything to you that Adam was -- particularly with Dune in the picture. I was
not
ready to be a dad then -- I'm not sure I am now. But I still thought about it then, and I've been thinking about it lately, if I could have made things better for you."

"Are you coming on to me?" Leo asked, starting to smile, and David chuckled again.

"Yeah. Can't help myself. Do you remember my friend Noah? He was my roommate my freshman year and he took a lot of pictures of us for his portfolio."

"I've kept up with his work. He's quite talented."

"He is," David said, looking pleased that Leo remembered. "He got married earlier this spring."

"I remember reading about that, to the country singer. They make a beautiful couple."

"They're great people, too," David said. "I've been spending a lot of time with them lately. I directed a video for Sawyer and I was Noah's best man, and they're some of my favorite people anyway. And I've come to realize lately, being around them so much, that I want what they have. I want somebody who loves me even when I'm a jackass," he said with a self-deprecating laugh.

"We all want that," said Leo.

"How do you find it, though? How do you find somebody who accepts you for everything you are? Somebody who loves you enough to make fun of you and call you on it when you're being stupid and loves you no matter how stupid you are? Somebody who isn't intimidated by you or in awe of you, but still respects you? How do you find that balance?"

"It's not an easy thing to find," Leo said. "Not many people do."

"Everybody I meet, it seems like, wants David Campbell the actor. Nobody cares about David the guy."

"It's always going to be harder for you as a public figure. There are a lot of star fuckers out there."

"Tell me about it." At Leo's raised eyebrow he added, "Okay, I'm human, I take advantage of it sometimes. Some of these kids are so
hot
, Leo."

"If you sleep with somebody because they're hot, don't complain that they don't like you for who you really are," Leo said, amused. "You're not seeing them for who they really are, either."

"I know, I know."

Leo paused. "How did it go with that old friend at the funeral?"

"I wouldn't say friend," David said, looking away. "We only met once, when we were students. He remembered me and he knew who I am, but we didn't have time to talk much."

"He must have made a big impression on you."

"He was hot at twenty," David said with that wry laugh again. "He's still hot."

"David," Leo said gently.

David mashed the crust crumbs on his plate with his fork. "I've haven't told many people about this," he said, his merry face more serious than Leo had ever seen it when he wasn't performing, "but I... I took one look at Max that day and knew he was the one for me."

"Why didn't you say anything to him then?"

"He was with his boyfriend, and I'm not a home wrecker." He glanced up at Leo. "God, when you look compassionate it breaks my heart."

"Sorry," Leo said. "I'm concerned for you."

"Yeah, I know. You're my friend, you're concerned, and I still feel like a jerk for making you worry." He paused again. "I didn't ask for his number when we were students. I wonder if I should have, and it's another of those what-ifs, you know? What if I had, but what if I'd been with you like I wanted to be then, would I have even noticed him, or what if-- damn," he said and wiped his eyes with the heel of his hand. Leo reached over to take his other hand, and David closed his eyes and clasped Leo's hand tight. "He's the only person I've ever known to have eyes like that, dark and bright at the same time. Do you know what I mean?"

"Not at all," Leo said. David laughed to himself. "It sounds like you're still smitten with him."

"Smitten's a good word for it. I feel like a teenager with a crush all over again."

"Tell me you got his number at the funeral."

"I did," David said. "But I haven't called him. I don't know what to say."

"'Let's get to know each other' will get your point across," Leo said. "Unless you'd rather keep him as this idealized figure for the rest of your life and never get to know the real him."

"Ah, my own words used against me," said David, casting his eyes to the ceiling, and Leo smiled.

"I don't know how to turn off my 'give advice' switch."

"I don't mind. I think I've needed to hear that." He squeezed Leo's fingers and let them go. "You're one of the few people that the better I get to know you, the more I like you. I mean, you're the genuine article. You're exactly what you appear to be, and that is so rare -- at least in my line of work."

"Thanks," Leo said, touched. "I don't know how else to be."

"You're good for me," David said. "I've been thinking lately about the people in my life who are good for me, and getting away from the ones who aren't. I'm not sure yet if Max is one or the other."

"You won't know until you give him a chance."

"I know," David said. "It's stupid to be scared, isn't it?"

"No, it's human," Leo said. "It's hard to take a chance, and you have to ask yourself how worthwhile that chance is to take." He inhaled, trying to find the words to explain. "I know everybody thinks Adam was terrible to me all those years and I should be well rid of him. But the fact is, we were happy a lot more than we were miserable. If we hadn't had those good times I wouldn't miss him so much now."

"You miss him?"

"So much," said Leo. "Sometimes my body literally aches for him. I hear a voice that sounds like his and my heart skips a beat. I see someone who looks like him from a distance and I want to call out his name." Now it was David's turn to hold his hand, and Leo clung to it gratefully. "If we hadn't been happy at all I'd say good riddance to him like everybody says I should, but I can't. I loved him. I still love him," he added quietly and David made a sympathetic sound. "But I also acknowledge that we had problems, and those problems drove him away from me."

"If he wanted you back, would you take him?"

"I don't know. Things have changed since he left. I don't feel like I'm the same person anymore."

"How so?"

"Do you remember my English friend, Stuart Huntsman? We're staying with him here."

"Blond, tall, amazing jawline? Looks like he should be sailing in a longboat?"

"That's the one," Leo said, smiling. "I've never thought of him as a Viking but that suits him. I usually think of him as Greek god."

"I can see that."

"Anyway, he, um." He hadn't talked about this with anyone but Frances, he realized, and the words were harder to find than he expected. "He's been looking after me since Adam left, but since the funeral we've-- oh, hell, David, we've been sleeping together since the funeral."

David sat back in his chair, nonplussed. "Wow."

"I know. It's not a development I expected, ever. I'm too old for him. He and Jamie were pretty serious for a while when Jamie was younger, and he even had a fling with Micah when Micah was doing his Europe grand tour after he graduated."

"He's a cute kid. I can see the attraction."

"But that's my point," said Leo. "Stuart usually likes them young and malleable. What he's doing with me I can't figure out, except the sex is fantastic and we're still friends during the day, most of the time."

"Only most of the time?"

"He has a habit of pushing me away with one hand while pulling me closer with the other."

"It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants -- or he doesn't know what you want." David regarded Leo seriously. "What
do
you want?"

Leo looked down at his now-empty plate. "I don't know. I don't know if I feel that way about him. I like him. I always have. He says the boys tend to treat him like he's the bad guy, but I've always known he was more than that, even when all I knew about him was that he'd broken Jamie's heart."

"You see him the way you see everybody else," David said. "For what they really are."

"It's not the gift it may appear to be," Leo said. "If I had to choose between Adam and Stuart, I don't know who I'd choose. But it's hypothetical anyway. Adam is happy with Raphael and Stuart can't make up his mind from one day to the next what he wants from me. You know," he added, "the boys brought me along to find me some sweet young thing to get me over Adam."

"Have you?"

"I went out once with a friend of Jamie's but I couldn't go through with it. It felt wrong."

"Because of Stuart?"

Leo looked at David, astonished. "I never thought of it like that, but maybe it was."

"You sound smitten yourself," David said. "Even I don't get compared to gods."

"Instead you're a poster boy for the Scots," Leo said. "All you need is a kilt and a shillelagh."

David chuckled. "I look damn good in a kilt, too, though I don't know how I'd do tossing a caber." He drained his coffee cup. "Look at us, nattering on about these ridiculous relationships. Maybe you and I should hook up and forget about everyone else."

"Smooth pick-up line," Leo said.

"I'm out of practice. Usually all I have to say is 'Hi, my name is David.'"

"I already know your name. Try harder." He smiled and finished his coffee too, enjoying this.

David leaned his head on his hand. He said softly, "Come home with me."

"Are you being serious?"

"Yes," David said. "I want you to come home with me tonight. I know I'm not a Greek god like Stuart Huntsman, but on the other hand I do have a good shillelagh."

Leo laughed, though he was still uncertain. "That's not your best line, either."

"Okay," David said, "no line. I want you to come with me. I want to spend the night with you."

"I'm an old man with a grown son," said Leo.

"You're a good man with a kind heart," David said. "You see the best in everybody, but you don't even value what's best about yourself. And you have no idea how attractive you are."

The atmosphere at the table felt charged with possibility, and Leo shivered. David would be less complicated than Stuart -- their history was long but simple, while his with Stuart only felt more knotted and tangled with each passing day.

Nonetheless he said, "Thank you, David. I mean it. I'm sure you look amazing in a kilt." David laughed ruefully. "But I think you should call Max instead. Take a chance on something real, instead of something convenient."

David nodded, looking away. "Will he be good to you, do you think?"

"Who, Stuart? I don't know. He's the kind of person who'd rather buy you something than say he loves you. Some people like that kind of relationship. I don't think I'm one of them."

"But would he be good to you?" David pressed.

"He'd be as good as he knows how to be," Leo said. "He might surprise us all."

***

David drove Leo to Stuart's house and whistled at the sight of it. He kissed Leo good night, a comfortable kiss that felt neither wrong like Rupert's nor electric like Stuart's, and promised to see Leo at Jamie's opening night before he drove away.

Leo let himself in and saw Stuart reading in the lounge, his reading lamp the one light on in the entire house. "We abandoned you tonight, didn't we?" he said with a twinge of guilt.

"The boys went out dancing," Stuart said, turning a page. "I decided I'd rather get things ready for tomorrow."

"Are you excited to have your girls here?" Leo sat in the armchair beside Stuart's and stretched out his legs, feeling himself unwind from head to toe as if he were in his own home.

"I don't know that excited is quite the word for it. Apprehensive, perhaps. Everything feels so fragile right now. One misstep and I'm out of their lives again."

"I'm sure it's not as bad as that."

"Time will tell." He closed his book and looked at Leo. "How was dinner with Mr. Campbell?"

"Good. The place had good pie and we talked about a lot of important things." Leo paused, unsure if he should say anything more. "He asked me to spend the night with him."

"And you turned him down?"

"Yes," Leo said. "I don't feel that way about him."

"Micah will be disappointed in you."

"Even if I did sleep with him," Leo said, annoyed, "I wouldn't blab about what he's like in bed, even to Micah."

"Joke," said Stuart and Leo looked at his shoes.

"Oh," he said. "Sorry."

Stuart opened his book again.

Leo looked at him, at the perfect slope of his nose, the fullness of his lips, the glint of his earring and the way his hair brushed against his neck. He was a gorgeous example of manhood in his prime, strong and mature, and Leo wanted to climb into his lap, push the book out of his hands and the reading glasses off his nose, and then start with his lips and see where it took them.

"Have you ever worn a kilt?" he said and Stuart looked up from his book with a confused wrinkle between his eyebrows.

"Yes. There's no Huntsman plaid, but my father had some Gordon ancestors and I've got a kilt in their colors. Why?"

"I was wondering what your legs look like in a kilt."

"Indeed," Stuart said, no less confused.

"Ever tossed a caber?"

"Not since I was a much younger man. Highland games are for the young and reckless. Is this line of questioning going anywhere?"

"Probably not," Leo said and smiled at the ceiling. "We're alone. The boys won't be back for hours, I'm sure, and I want you."

"You... want me to put on a kilt."

"I wouldn't say no. I've never fucked anyone who was wearing a kilt."