Cartography for Beginners (25 page)

On his way to bed, Stuart paused at Leo's room. The light was on, the door was open, and Dune and Micah sat at the foot of Leo's bed as the three of them listened to music from Leo's phone. Leo looked up at Stuart and said, "If you want us to move to a hotel--"

"Of course not," Stuart said. "Don't be ridiculous." He hesitated, then stepped into the room and put his hand on Leo's shoulder. "I want you--" He inhaled. "I want you to remember I'm your friend." He squeezed Leo's shoulder and left, and Dune said behind him, "What was that about?"

"Nothing," Leo said. "Nothing important."

Exactly,
though Stuart,
nothing important.
Still, he lay awake for half the night, hoping he wouldn't be alone.

Leo didn't come.

Chapter Fifteen

On Sunday, Stuart took them to Bayswater Road to see the open-air art market. They walked among the stalls for most of the morning, and Leo bought a few prints that caught his eye. Micah went into raptures over some silver jewelry, while Dune found a journal made of handmade paper bound in soft, spicy-smelling leather.

"Dad, can I borrow a pen?" Dune said when they stopped to eat at one of the food stalls.

Leo felt his pockets. "Sorry, Dunie, I don't have one."

Stuart passed over a fountain pen. "I can't believe you didn't bring any pens and paper with you."

"Thanks," Dune said as he took the pen. "I didn't think I'd need them. I haven't for a long time." He curled up his long legs on the little chair and started writing.

The other three exchanged looks, and Micah beamed proudly and did a little dance in his chair.

Dune hadn't finished eating by the time the others were through, so Stuart suggested they walk around a bit more until he was done. Micah said he would stay with Dune, so Leo got up from the table to join Stuart, feeling it would be ruder than he cared to be if he refused.

They hadn't been alone since the gallery, and as they walked in silence Leo thought with a sinking heart that they'd run out of things to say to each other. He looked at Stuart, studying his profile, watching his face as he paused now and again to look at someone's work more closely, stopping completely sometimes to talk the artist and leave his business card.

"You love this, don't you?" Leo said after the third or fourth conversation. "You do this a lot."

"Once or twice a month," said Stuart. "I've found some remarkable talent here."

"Why?" Leo said, and Stuart raised his eyebrows. "I mean, why art?"

"I can't paint but I love art," Stuart said. "Those who can't provide means for those who can."

"Altruism."

"And business. Why radio?" he countered. "You love theater -- you could have done anything in the theater world that wasn't as unpredictable as acting."

"You know how I love the sound of my own voice," Leo said, and smiled when Stuart chuckled. "Stuart," he began.

"Don't," Stuart said. "Please. There's nothing that needs to be said."

"I think there is," Leo said. "You are my friend, you know. I've never forgotten that."

Stuart sighed and crossed his arms. "Micah has the excuse that his entire generation is inappropriate and overly personal, but I suppose with you it's that you're Californian."

"We need to talk," Leo said.

"Are we seriously going to discuss our relationship in the middle of Bayswater Road?" Stuart said with a disbelieving laugh.

"Yes, and maybe we can even do it without yelling at each other. I haven't forgotten you're my friend, Stuart. Believe me, I think about it constantly."

"All I meant to do was to help you move on."

"Then why can't we keep our hands off each other?"

Stuart frowned at him, and then looked away with a small shake of his head.

"You didn't plan for that, did you?" Leo said softly and cupped Stuart's face in his hand. Stuart closed his eyes with a sigh. "You didn't plan on wanting me again. I didn't, either."

"I didn't plan for anything," Stuart said and moved his face out of Leo's hand. "You're only here for a few more days. Let's-- let's not, Leo. Please. There's nothing to say. There's nothing to be done, no way to move forward. As people delight in reminding me, I don't deserve you."

Leo gazed at him, saddened. "You think that's true?"

"I don't think it matters, what I think."

"I do," Leo said. "I think the only two opinions that matter in this whole thing are yours and mine." Stuart still didn't answer, and Leo said, "I've been thinking about that a lot, too, and I think love isn't something that people deserve or don't deserve. It's just something they have."

"Who said anything about love?" Stuart muttered, frowning at his shoes.

"It was a guess."

"We'd never work, you and I," said Stuart. "Long-distance relationships are impossible to sustain, and you'd never leave California. Your entire life is there."

"I've got a passport now. I can come see you whenever you want."

Still Stuart shook his head. "It would never work," he repeated. "It's one thing to be friends across continents, but being lovers -- and our lives are too different to mesh. You're home and family, and I'm--"

"You're discovering that side of yourself."

Stuart gave him an exasperated look. They had walked nearly to the end of the market, and Stuart turned to lead them back to the food stall where Micah and Dune were waiting. "I'm not like you."

"You keep saying that. I don't think it's true."

"Leo," Stuart said and held up his hand when Leo started to speak. "Let me finish. I'm not what you need. You know it as surely as I do. We'd never make each other happy."

"Is it because I don't need you to mentor me?"

"Don't be absurd."

"Then what is it?" said Leo. "I think you're scared of either me disappointing or you disappointing me -- and let me tell you something, Stuart Huntsman, that I sincerely need you to believe." He stopped walking and put his hand on Stuart's shoulder. "No matter how far you push me away, I'm not going anywhere."

"Why?" Stuart whispered and looked up at him. "Why, Leo? You don't love me. You don't need me. I'm not what you want, I can't give you what you need, I don't know what you want from me--"

Leo took hold of Stuart's face and kissed him. Stuart made a soft, pained sound but when Leo started to pull away he grabbed Leo and didn't let him.

"You feel it too," Leo whispered between kisses, stroking Stuart's cheekbones with his thumbs. "You feel it too, don't deny it."

"I feel it," Stuart said. His eyes were closed and his fingers rubbed Leo's back. He swallowed hard. "You know I do. But what am I supposed to do with it? Take you to bed and never let you leave? That's the only way we'd work."

"We do okay when you're not pushing me away." Leo smiled, and Stuart opened his eyes a slit, his expression stony.

"So it's my fault when we fight."

"Don't start. You know what I mean."

Stuart stepped away from him. "We have nothing in common. We live in different countries. All we are is good in bed, and that's not enough for you."

"That's not all we are."

"You have so many friends," Stuart said. "There are so many people who love you. I should push you to any one of them, any one of them would be more suitable for you than me, but I think about anyone else touching you and I-- I can't--"

"Then no one will," Leo said. "We'll be each other's. It'll be lovely. It'll be--"

"No," Stuart said. "Look me in the eye and tell me I'm who you want. Tell me you want me."

Leo looked at him -- looked him in the eye -- and began, "You know you're important to me."

"Never mind," Stuart cut in and strode away from him, back to the food stall. Leo started to call after him, but then his phone rang. Leo sighed and took it out.

"Yes," he said, too annoyed at the interruption to be polite.

"Leo?"

"David," Leo said and rubbed his eyes. "Sorry. I seem to be spending a lot of time arguing lately and taking it out on the wrong people. How are you?"

"Excellent," said David. "We were filming until about two a.m. so I just woke up. Want to go out to dinner with me tonight?"

Leo looked after Stuart, who had not turned even though Leo hadn't caught up to him. "I would love to go out with you tonight," he said. It would be wonderful to talk to someone objective.

***

Stuart looked away when Leo said he was having dinner with David that night. Micah said, "Let me give you something for him to autograph! Or take my camera to take a picture! We keep running into him without warning and I want something to remember him by!"

"How about we plan to see him at Jamie's show?" Leo said gently, and Micah nodded at that.

"I could get a picture of him by the painting of Jamie's that he bought. That'll give it some nice context."

"We could also ask him to go out to dinner with us some night," Dune observed. "There's got to be some night he's not filming until the wee hours of the morning."

"You're brilliant!" Micah exclaimed and draped himself over Dune. Dune looked up from his notebook -- now a dozen pages covered with his handwriting -- and kissed Micah quickly.

"Don't make nuisances of yourselves," said Leo. "He's a busy man."

A cab stopped in front of the house as they were making lunch, bearing Jamie and Ben from the train station. Dune took one look at Jamie's face and wrapped him up in his long arms. "Was it terrible?" he said softly, and the rest gathered around him in the front room, Micah rubbing Jamie's back, his expression concerned, and even Stuart hovering nearby without any dark looks from Ben.

"We didn't see them," Jamie said. "No one was home. One of their neighbors said they were on holiday." He took a deep breath. "I should have called first."

"We can always try again," Ben said and took Jamie's hand.

"Maybe," Jamie said, and Dune hugged him.

"I can't even imagine what that's like," Dune said. "I'm not saying that to be smug, either, I seriously can't imagine what that's like."

"It's about what I expected," Jamie said. He leaned his head on Dune's shoulder a moment, and then got up from the couch. "I want to get started on the mural."

Ben still held onto his hand. "Baby, are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," he assured Ben and bent to lightly kiss Ben's mouth. "You blokes go out or something tonight. I've got work to do." He went upstairs.

Dune said to Ben, "Okay, how is he?"

"I don't know," Ben said. "Usually his emotions are right there but he's either okay with this or he's gotten a lot better at hiding things. I hope he doesn't think he has to hide things from me."

Micah chewed a thumbnail. "Or maybe he is actually okay. I mean, he was all keyed up to see them but now he has to wait, and maybe if he's better prepared it'll be easier to deal with when he finally does see them. If they haven't mellowed about him being gay, maybe it'll be better to find that out over the phone instead of face-to-face."

"But they're his parents," Ben said, hands clenching on his thighs. "They've got to miss him."

"They're from a different generation," Dune said.

"So are mine!" Ben exclaimed.

"Jamie's parents are more like Dad's parents," Dune said, gesturing to Leo. "Or Stuart's parents."

"Thank you," Stuart said.

"So much," added Leo.

"You know what I mean. Plus your parents live in San Francisco," he said to Ben, "they were there when Harvey Milk was alive. We're talking about Manchester, a working-class city, and Jamie's father was a cop. They're not known for being progressive and accepting. I think we're spoiled from living in the city, to be honest. We forget how it is in the rest of the world."

There was a pause. Micah stroked Dune's hair, and finally Ben said, "Wow. That's the most impassioned speech I've heard you give in a long time."

"I worry about Jamie," said Dune, "I worry a lot."

Jamie's feet thumped down the stairs again and he peered into the room, his work bag slung over his shoulder. "I'm off. Don't expect me until late. Go out and--" He waved a hand. "Do things tonight."

Ben rose and went to him, held him by the shoulders and kissed him. "Are you sure you're okay?"

Jamie smiled up at him. "Don't look so worried." He patted Ben cheek. "I'm going to work."

"I know. Go make some art," he said, and Jamie kissed him and left. Ben rubbed the back of his neck and turned to the others. "I'm worrying too much, aren't I? He's okay."

"He seems okay," Leo said. "Micah, where's your guidebook? Let's find something for you boys to do tonight."

Micah got up to fetch the guidebook, and soon the three of them were tangled on the couch, discussing the merits of this club versus that restaurant. Leo left them to it, and went upstairs to get ready to meet David.

***

"This place is famous for their pie," David said as they were seated at a table in the upper balcony of the restaurant, where they could see the main dining room but were mostly hidden from view. The maître d' had greeted David by name, and while the look he gave Leo was nonjudgmental, Leo still wondered if they saw a parade of David's friends or if eating with company was a remarkable event.

"I do love a good pie," was all Leo said as he opened the menu. "How's the movie going?"

"I'm having a great time," David said. "Playing second banana is more relaxing than I remembered, and I still get the girl in the end."

"Not the boy?"

"I'm not always cast as the token gay character. It doesn't happen often enough, does it? The second banana getting the boy. Maybe I should find a script with that." The waiter came then to take their orders, and they chatted lightly about David's movies and what Leo had seen in London so far, and the conversation meandered pleasantly as they ate.

Over pie -- and it was delicious, worthy of being the restaurant's main selling point -- David folded his fingers together and rested his chin on them. "Can I confess something to you? And promise me you won't get offended?"

Leo's fork paused on the way to his mouth. "I can promise I'll try not to get offended."