Casanova Cowboy (A Morgan Mallory Story) (22 page)

             
“Hey, Bo” I said, scratching the back of his head. “Why’s Bo still here, Mom?”

             
“Ryan didn’t pick him up last night. He probably got busy or something. I don’t mind, he’s a good dog,” Mom answered.

She reached for her
cigarettes and I reached out pushing the pack away. I’d had enough smoke last night in the bar. She pulled her hand back in resignation.

“Did y
ou girls have a good time?”

             
“We did. Liz and I aren’t that great at line dancing, but we still had fun, and we laughed at ourselves a lot. Karen gets it, like that,” I said, snapping my fingers. “Kind of sucks. Then we ran into a guy I dated at Palomar, and Karen thought he was cute, so they ended up dancing together.”

             
“Was it someone I knew?” she asked.

             
“No, I only saw him one time.”

             
“Um.”

“
Karen wanted to stay, but I get tired of the same ol’, same ol’ bar scene crap, the pickup lines, the bullshit, so Liz took me back to my car. Those guys are out to get laid, and that’s it,” I said.

“I’m sure there are men looking for love too.”

“I don’t know how any girl ever finds a decent guy,” I mused. “I think I’m going to be single the rest of my life.”

Bo
kept pushing against my hand, so I rubbed his head some more.

“Where’s your
dad?” I asked him.

My mom smiled as he
cocked his head and looked at me with his big brown eyes. He knew I was talking to him.

             
“Maybe you’re not looking in the right places. At the right men,” she said.

             
I figured she was talking about not finding good men in a bar. She’d told me I wouldn’t find someone I should marry in a bar.

             
“Okay, Mom, where are the right places and the right men? Fill me in and maybe I can give it a shot,” I said sarcastically.

             
She frustrated me on the dating subject. Like there was a lineup somewhere of good men, and that I just couldn’t find them.

             
“I don’t know. Aren’t there some nice guys at school?” she suggested.

“I’m sure there are.
I’m so damn busy running from class to my jobs to home and back again, when would I have a chance to meet them, and where? Should I stand in the middle of campus and yell
I’m available
?” I joked.

             
“Certainly not, I would think there are some guys in your classes that you at least talk to,” she said.

             
I knew she was trying to be helpful, and we both knew she was failing miserably. As open-minded as she had become on the man front, she was still a bit old-fashioned. She thought my life needed a man.

“Don’t worry about
it, Mom. With my track record with men, single is not so bad. I do miss the sex, though. One-night-stands aren’t much fun anymore; they make me feel lonely,” I said.

             
She gave me a half-hearted smile. She worried about me. Not in the way of worrying that I didn’t attract men, but that I wasn’t attracted
to
them, to dating.

“More coffee?” she asked.

              “That would be good,” I said, handing her my cup.

             
I closed my eyes and tilted my face up towards the sun.
Maybe I would lay by the pool today and read. Get some over-the-top romance novel from Mom and do nothing until my shift.
I heard Ryan’s van pull into the driveway at the same time Bo bolted to the gate.

             
“Hey, bud,” I heard him say to Bo as he came through the gate, who was barking at him in excitement.

             
I didn’t turn around instead just waited for him to come around the corner. He smiled at me as he lowered himself into the chair across from me.

             
“How come you’re here?” he asked, scratching Bo’s head.

             
The dog was panting as he wiggled as close as he possible could to Ryan’s chair.

             
“Same back at you,” I grinned.

             
“I needed to get my dog,” he said.

             
It appeared he was in the same clothes from when I saw him at Sadie’s last night.

             
“Rough night?” I asked with amusement.

             
He gave me a blank stare, realizing it had just hit me. It came out loud, the laughter bursting from me faster than I could tame it. I laughed until tears ran out of my eyes. Ryan sat there, looking at me like I’d lost my mind. Every time I looked at him, I laughed harder. When I finally could get it together and contain myself, I sat back in my chair.

“What was that about?
What’s so funny?” he asked trying to pretend I hadn’t figured it out.

             
I pushed my hair back with both hands and leaned forward towards him. He stared into my eyes.

“What’s so funny?”
I asked, completely amused with my discovery.

I lea
ned closer to him, and he moved uncomfortably in his chair.

“What’s so funny is that you’re s
leeping with Sadie. I thought it was odd that you were there last night having a beer with her. I took you at your word that you were checking on the tile. Then I saw Bo here this morning and thought it was odd you hadn’t picked him up as usual. When you walked through the gate, I thought the clothes looked familiar. It was the tennis shoes that threw me for a minute. You had your cowboy boots on at Sadie’s,” I said.

Ryan
kept petting Bo and didn’t answer me. I laughed again.

“Oh my
god, Ryan, you’re sleeping with Sadie,” I said as I pictured the two of them on the couch.

I
t became crystal clear in my mind—Sadie liked the young men, I knew that from the ordeal with Karen’s boyfriend and there had been other young men since. Mom came out the back door with our coffee.

“Hey
, Ryan,” she said, acknowledging his arrival and setting my cup down on the table. “You are obviously making Morgan laugh this morning, which is more than I’ve been able to do. Are you going to let me in on the joke?”

“Ryan?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.

             
He shot me a look, and I gave him a cheesy smile.

“
It wasn’t that funny, Patty. Morgan just thought it was. Forget it,” he said.

             
He would get shit from me on this one for a long time. Sadie Sharp, now he’d had the mother too.

             
“Coffee, Ryan?” Mom asked.

             
“I’ll get it, Patty, sit down,” he said, starting out of his chair.

             
“No, I’ll get it,” she insisted, moving toward the house.

             
“I’m not sleeping with her,” he protested quietly.

             
“Liar, the cowboy boots gave you away. To think if I hadn’t stayed here last night, I might not have put it together. Bad luck for you, me figuring it out. Sadie?” I said, pondering. “She’s what, twenty-something years older than you? You’ve slept with both her daughters and now her? What the fuck are you, some wanna-be Casanova Cowboy?”

             
I said
wanna
like he’d said it to me many years ago in Park City, before I even moved there.

             
“Enough,” he said as Mom came out the door.

             
I had to fight to suppress my laughter.

Chapter 26

“Have you talked to Ryan lately?” I asked Mom over the phone.

“He’s been by for Bo
, and we chat. Why?” she asked.

“I haven’t seen or heard from him in a couple weeks.
Is he dating someone new, do you know?” I questioned.

I hadn’t told her about Sadie.
I thought she might think less of him for some reason, if she knew. The age difference was weird, and the fact that Mom knew he’d slept with Karen and Jackie too might bother her. He wouldn’t tell her either and no doubt hoped I felt exactly like I did.

“Not that he has mentioned, but I haven’t asked,” she answered.
“Why haven’t you called him?”

“I don’t know.
When he and Julie broke up, he started coming around again. We’ve been friends so long, and he’s so easy to be with. I enjoyed having someone to pal around with, have dinner with, catch a movie. I kind of miss him, Mom,” I confided.

“That’s a new one,” she teased.
“Call him if you miss him.”

I wanted to tell her about Sadie, talk to her about it
, but I couldn’t. Not when I knew that my putting the pieces together had obviously made Ryan uneasy. I eventually heard through Mom that he’d finished his remodel at the Sharps’. And I wondered if he was still seeing her.

I said
yes
to a date that amounted to me trying to make small talk when I didn’t want to. I decided I was better off at home with a good book or a movie. It was one of those nights when Ryan stopped by unexpectedly. I was alone, curled up on the couch with a glass of wine, reading a
People
magazine when the doorbell rang. When I opened the door, I was surprised to see him.

I stared
at him, feeling my blood race and the anger growing in me.
Who was he to show up without even calling, after weeks of silence?

             
“Hey,” he said.

             
I stood with the door partially open. He finally looked past me.

             
“I’m alone,” I said.

             
“Can I come in then?” he asked, holding out a pack of Good and Plenty candy.

             
I tugged open the door, not taking the candy from him, and walked back to my spot on the couch. I watched him shut the door and then stand uncomfortably in my entry. He had his hands clasped in front of him his legs apart slightly. It was like he didn’t know how to start. I let the silence linger, not helping him.

“Get a fucking glass of wine and sit down
,” I said finally as I tucked my legs up onto the couch.

             
He set the Good and Plenty down on the shelf by the door and moved toward the kitchen. I watched as he helped himself, knowing where everything was while I wondered what prompted his visit. I knew my anger was foolish, as I hadn’t reached out either. He came into the living room and debated about where to sit, first looking at the chair and then the couch, finally deciding on the couch next to me. I remained silent.

“I don’t know why you’re mad at me
,” he said.

             
Was I that obvious? Was I mad at him specifically?
I guessed I was. Mad that he had taken his friendship away. I reached inside myself and couldn’t identify my exact feelings. I missed him, and yet now that he was here, I was mad. I didn’t know how to respond.
What was it exactly I was mad about?

             
“You lied,” I said.

             
“About Sadie?” he asked.

             
“Yes, about Sadie, and because you didn’t want me to know, you went away. If you didn’t talk to me, you wouldn’t have to discuss the relationship, answer any of my questions. You haven’t called me in weeks. I don’t care what you do, Ryan, and you acted like I was judging. You want to be a Casanova Cowboy, have at it,” I said.

             
“It’s over with Sadie,” he said reservedly. “I guess she was my Mrs. Robinson. I don’t know, it just happened.”

             
I sat up straighter on the couch, it didn’t just happen, Sadie made it happen.
What should I say? I really didn’t want to know too much.
For the first time, this one bothered me.

“
Ryan, what you do is your business,” I said calmly. “Sleep with whoever and whenever. I don’t care. I missed you, that’s all.”

             
“I’m sorry,” he said.

             
I looked into his eyes, and could tell he didn’t want me to be mad at him.

             
“So how was Mrs. Robinson?” I mocked.

He chuckled
, embarrassed by my question. I let it hang there a minute.

             
“No, don’t tell me. I don’t really want to know,” I said waving a hand at him. “Do the girls know you slept with their mom?”

             
I started laughing and so did he. He didn’t have to answer. He was generally tight-lipped about his love life, except to me, so unless they had also figured it out, they didn’t know.

“Can I take you to dinner?” he asked.

              “No,” I said, looking down at my T-shirt and sweat pants. “I’m not dressed to go out. I’m dressed to sit on my couch and relax. I’m happy to have you buy pizza if you want to stay for dinner, though.”

We ordered pizza
, and Ryan went and picked it up. We talked and talked, as if we hadn’t seen each other in years instead of weeks. He asked if I was seeing anyone, and I told him about my recent dating disaster.

             
“I can’t do the small talk anymore. Like ‘what are you taking in school, where do you work, do you have any brothers or sisters, what do your parents do?’ I don’t want to answer those questions anymore; I don’t want to ask them either. It’s not exciting to me. Karen likes dating; I hate it. It’s easier to stay home alone, save the effort,” I said, taking a bite of my now-cold slice of pizza.

             
“You make it sound awful,” he said frowning.

             
“It’s painful. I’m so over it,” I laughed. “I like the theory that there can be some special person who comes along, and it all works. I would like to believe Cinderella rode off, and the glass slipper never broke, but I don’t anymore. I have become disenchanted with the
love
factor. It’s really sad. Even my parents relationship isn’t the happy-ever-after,” I said, ending with a sad feeling.

He gave me a pained look
, and yet his blue eyes sparkled, and I flashed back to the night when Ryan sat and talked to Mom and me by the fire in The Club. She’d commented on his eyes.

             
“Do you ever wish that you and Mathew, or you and Max, had made it?” Ryan asked.

             
It was sort of an out-of-the-blue question. I reflected back on the two relationships and what they meant as I rubbed my chin lightly. Ryan had asked me a similar question the evening we sat under the cypress tree in Carmel on the trip back from San Francisco without Karen. I think then his question was about
love
, being in love. I wondered why it mattered to him.

“I
haven’t thought about either in a long time. With Mathew, it was such a convoluted love. When I think back now to how intensely I loved him, it wasn’t sensible. We had a connection that neither of us could refute, but it wouldn’t have worked in real life. You know, day-to-day life. Mom said we ran too hot and would burn out; she was probably right,” I said.

             
“How so?” Ryan asked.

             
“Our physical attraction was explosive. He could look at me and make me want him, and he knew it. On the emotional side though, I didn’t think he could give enough of himself. I think he loved me, but wasn’t
in
love with me. That he was trying to be, but only in a halfway kind of way,” I said as I thought about it.

             
He looked thoughtfully at me like he was trying to process what I was telling him.

             
“I don’t want anyone to have to force it,” I said. “I think you feel
love
or you don’t.”

             
“And Max?” he asked.

             
“Ryan, why are you asking me this? Who cares about this shit?”

             
“I want a woman’s perspective as to why it doesn’t work, why relationships end,” he said.

“Are you talking about Sadie?” I asked.

              “No, just in general. Sadie and I were never going to last. We both knew it and took it for what it was,” he contemplated.

             
I cocked my head at him and flashed him a goofy smirk.
No, that one wouldn’t have lasted.

             
“What I felt for Max was different. Not desperate. At one time, it was good. I thought we wanted the same things, but we didn’t. We fought a lot. When I went to Park City, I knew we were on different tracks. I thought my leaving would derail us, but we kept trying to make it work, out of habit, I think. Mathew was still in and out of my life, and my feelings weren’t always clear,” I said.

Ryan
was concentrating on what I was saying, like he could gain some insight into my head, and it made me feel self-conscious.

“
I feel like you’re having me psychoanalyze my love life. Neither worked out, and that, obviously, is how it was meant to be. Look at you; you haven’t been so fortunate either. You’ve pined over Carrie for years, trying to fill the hole in your heart with other girls. Julie was the first girl I’ve seen you stay with for more than a few dates. You got your heart broken once, get over it,” I said.

             
“You’re right, Ms. I Don’t Want to Date. Carrie was my first love, and I thought we would always be together. I was young and unrealistic,” Ryan mused.

             
He furrowed his brow and I could almost see his thoughts go back in time, trying to recollect what had been. What he imagined would be. While I waited, I got up to get the wine bottle out of the refrigerator.

“Well
, this conversation has gotten depressing. Was that the idea? To come here and make me feel bad? Dredge up old memories?” I joked from the kitchen.

I came back into the living
room and poured us more wine. When I did, I noticed Ryan had on his cowboy boots. I smiled.

“
No. The idea was to come see you,” he said.

“My
mom ask you to, or was it on your own?” I asked.

The wine had gotten to me, the
conversation too. I’d really missed Ryan’s company and friendship. Over the years we had known each other, he hadn’t cut himself off from me so severely, no matter who he was dating. I wondered if Sadie knew I knew and asked him to stay away, keep the relationship off the radar for her girls’ sake.

“Why would your
mom ask me to?”

“Never mind,” I answered.