Castles (34 page)

“Mother Superior didn't mention that fact.”

“No, I don't imagine she would,” he countered.

“I would like to make sense out of this bizarre mating ritual,” she announced.

“Why?”

“So that I can understand,” she replied. She leaned up to look at him. His eyes were closed and he looked very peaceful. She thought he was about to fall asleep. Alesandra decided to let the matter drop. She cuddled up against her husband and closed her eyes. Her mind wouldn't cooperate, however, and one question after another raced through her thoughts.

“Colin?”

He grunted his reply.

“Have you taken other women to your bed?”

He didn't immediately answer her. She nudged him in his side. He let out a sigh. “Yes.”

“Very many?”

He almost shrugged her off his shoulder. “Depends on who's doing the counting.”

She disliked that answer intensely. Was it two others, or twenty? The thought of Colin being intimate with even one other woman made her stomach tighten. Her reaction wasn't at all reasonable. His past shouldn't concern her. It did, though. “Was it lust or love that made you want them?”

“Alesandra, why are you asking me all these questions?”

He sounded irritated now. Realizing that made her annoyed as well. She was feeling vulnerable, but her insensitive husband was too obtuse to understand.

Her burst of anger vanished almost as soon as it appeared. How could Colin understand when she didn't understand herself? She wasn't being at all fair with him—or logical.

“I was just curious,” she whispered. “Did you love any of those women?”

“No.”

“Then it was lust?”

He sighed again. “Yes.”

“Was it lust with me?”

Or love, she'd wanted to ask. She'd been too afraid to add that word to her question, fearing the answer wouldn't be what she wanted to hear. Oh, God, she wasn't making any sense at all. She knew Colin didn't love her. Why then did she have this consuming need to hear him tell her so?

What in heaven's name was the matter with her?

Colin wanted to put an end to her inquisition. She was prodding him to answer questions he wasn't ready to think about. Hell, yes, it had been lust when he bedded her, he decided. From the moment he'd first seen her, he'd wanted her in his bed.

Yet putting Alesandra into the same category with the other women he'd bedded seemed an atrocity to him. Making love to her had been completely different, and much, much more fulfilling. No other woman had made him burn the way she did; no other woman had made him lose himself so completely.

There was more than lust involved. Colin admitted that much to himself. He cared about Alesandra. She belonged to him now and it was a natural inclination for a husband to want to protect his wife.

But love? Colin honestly didn't know if he loved her or not. He didn't have enough experience to draw upon to know what the hell love was anyway. His gut reaction to the nagging question was that he wasn't capable of letting himself love anyone with real intensity. He remembered the agony his friend and partner, Nathan, had gone through when he'd fallen in love with his wife. Colin blanched over the mere possibility that he wasn't any stronger emotionally than Nathan was. He hadn't believed it was possible for such a tough-skinned giant to fall so hard. Nathan had, however. He'd become damned vulnerable, too.

Colin forced the dour thoughts aside and reached for his wife. She was trying to scoot over to the far side of the bed, away from him. He wasn't about to let her go. He pulled her into his arms, gently pushed her onto her back, and then covered her from head to toes with his body. He propped his weight with his arms and stared down at her. He frowned with concern when he saw the tears in her eyes. “Did I hurt you again, sweetheart? When I'm inside you I go a little crazy. I . . .”

His voice was gruff with emotion. She reached up to stroke the side of his face. “I went a little crazy too,” she confessed. “You made me forget all about my tenderness.”

“Then why are you upset?”

“I'm not. I was just trying to sort things out in my mind.”

“Sort out things like love and lust?”

She nodded. He smiled. “Sweetheart, I've lusted after you for a long, long time. And you've lusted after me,” he added with a nod.

He thought his admission would please her. She surprised him with a frown. “Lust is a sin,” she whispered. “I will admit I found you very attractive, but I certainly didn't want you in my bed.”

“And why the hell not?”

She couldn't believe he was getting pricked over her admission. The man's ego was involved, she supposed, and she'd just inadvertently stomped on it.

“Because I didn't know what would happen there. No one told me how wonderful making love would be. Now do you understand?”

He grinned, looked sheepish.

“Do you know, Colin, I've just worked it all out in my mind,” she announced. “I couldn't understand why I was feeling vulnerable but now I know the reason and I'm feeling much better.”

“Explain it to me,” he ordered.

“It's because this intimacy is new to me, of course. I didn't have a clue it would be so magnificent, and I didn't realize I would become so emotionally involved.” She paused to smile up at him. “If I'd had your experience, I probably wouldn't have felt vulnerable at all.”

“It isn't a sin for a wife to feel vulnerable,” he announced. “It doesn't make any sense in your situation, however.”

“Why doesn't it make sense?”

“Because you certainly realize I'm going to take care of you and you therefore have no reason to feel vulnerable at all.”

“That's an extremely arrogant thing to say, husband.”

He shrugged. “I'm an arrogant man.”

“Do husbands ever feel vulnerable?”

“No.”

“But, Colin, if . . .”

He didn't let her finish her argument. His mouth covered hers, cutting off all conversation. He thought only to take her mind off the bizarre topic, but she opened her mouth for his tongue and put her arms around his neck and he was suddenly caught up in a burst of passion he didn't feel like squelching.

He made love to her again, tried to be gentle and take it slow and easy, but she waylaid his noble intentions by responding with abandon. Although it didn't seem possible to him, each time was better, even more fulfilling. His own climax almost killed him, and when he felt her tears on his shoulder, he believed he'd really hurt her.

Colin lit the candles and turned back to her. He took her into his arms and soothed her with honeyed words. She promised him he hadn't injured her, but she couldn't explain why she'd started crying.

He didn't prod her into another conversation. Her lusty yawns told him she was exhausted. Odd, but he was wide awake now. The scare that he might have harmed her jarred him and he knew it would take more than just a few minutes to relax again. Her lists drew his attention when he turned to blow out the candles. On the top sheet were two names. Lady Victoria was first, followed by Lady Roberta. Alesandra had placed question marks after each name.

Needless to say, his curiosity was caught. She was just drifting off to sleep when he nudged her.

“What is this all about?”

She didn't open her eyes. Colin read the names to her and asked her to explain.

“Can't we discuss this in the morning?”

He was about to give in to her request when she muttered, “There might be a connection between the two women. Both have disappeared, after all. After I've talked to Lady Roberta's husband, I'll explain everything to you. Good night, Colin.”

“You are not going to talk to the viscount.”

The tone of his voice cut through her sleepy haze. “I'm not?”

“No, you're not. The man has enough to deal with now. He doesn't need you grilling him with questions.”

“Colin, I . . .”

He didn't let her finish. “I forbid it, Alesandra. Give me your word you won't bother him.”

She was astonished by his high-handed attitude—angry, too. She wasn't a child who had to gain her parent's permission to pursue an interest or a worry, and Colin had best understand she had a mind of her own and could use it upon occasion.

“Promise me, Alesandra,” he demanded again.

“No.”

He couldn't believe what he'd just heard. “No?”

Because her face was still tucked under his chin and he couldn't possibly see her expression, she felt it safe to grimace. Lord, he sounded surly. His arm tightened around her. A good wife probably would try to placate her husband, she supposed.

She guessed she didn't have it in her to be a good wife, however, for no man—not even Colin—was going to direct her actions.

Ask his permission indeed! She pushed herself away from him and sat up. Her hair covered half her face. She brushed it back over her shoulder and matched him glare for glare.

“Marriage is new to you, Colin, and so you will have to take my word when I tell you . . .”

“Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't we been married the exact length of time?”

“Yes . . .”

“Then marriage is just as new to you too, isn't it?”

She nodded.

“New or old, Alesandra, the vows haven't changed. Wives obey their husbands.”

“Ours is not a usual marriage,” she countered. “You and I settled upon an agreement of sorts before we spoke our vows. You've obviously forgotten and for that reason I will not take exception to your outrageous command. I will remind you, however, that we both agreed not to hover.”

“No we didn't.”

“It was an unspoken promise we gave to each other. I told you I didn't want a husband who hovered and you admitted you didn't want a wife who hovered, either.”

“What the hell does that have to do with . . .”

“By hover I meant someone who interferes,” she told him. “You've made it perfectly clear on several occasions that you don't wish my help or interference in your business affairs and I would now like to take this opportunity to insist you not interfere in my affairs.”

She couldn't quite look into his eyes. His incredulous expression made her nervous. She turned her gaze to his chin. “My father would never have forbidden my mother anything. Their marriage was based upon a foundation of mutual trust and respect. In time I hope we can achieve the same kind of arrangement.”

“Are you finished?”

She was pleased that he didn't sound angry with her. Colin was going to be reasonable about this after all. He had listened to what she had to say and hadn't allowed his arrogant nature to get in the way.

“Yes, thank you.”

“Look at me.”

She immediately lifted her gaze to his eyes. He didn't say another word for a long minute. His stare made her worry, though. His expression didn't give her a hint of what he was thinking and his amazing ability to mask his thoughts and his feelings did impress her. She was a little envious, too. She wished she had that much control.

“Did you want to say something to me?” she asked when she couldn't stand the silence a second longer.

He nodded. She smiled.

“You will not talk to the viscount about his wife.”

They were right back where they'd started. Colin obviously hadn't heard a word she'd said. She felt like kicking the stubborn man. She didn't, of course, because she was a lady, and her impossible husband was never going to know how furious she was.

God's truth, he could make Mother Superior curse in vexation.

Colin forced himself not to smile. The issue was too important to turn into a laughing matter, but, dear God, her expression was priceless. She looked like she wanted to kill him.

“Give me your promise, wife.”

“Oh, all right,” she cried out. “You win. I won't bother the viscount.”

“This isn't about winning or losing,” he countered. “The viscount has enough on his mind. I don't want you adding to his misery.”

“You don't trust my judgment at all, do you, Colin?”

“No.”

That answer hurt her far more than his high-handed command. She tried to turn away from him, but he reached out and grabbed hold of her chin. “Do you trust my judgment yet?”

He fully expected to hear the same denial. She didn't know him well enough to give him her complete trust. In time, of course, when they had both learned the other's ways, she would begin to give him her trust.

“Yes, of course I trust your judgment.”

He couldn't contain his surprise or his pleasure. He grabbed her by the back of her neck, pulled her toward him, and leaned up at the same time to kiss her hard.

“I'm pleased to know you have instinctively put your faith in me already,” he told her.

She leaned back and frowned at him. “It wasn't instinctive,” she said. “You had already proven to me that you can upon occasion use sound judgment.”

“When was that?”

“When you married me. You used sound judgment then. I understand now, of course, that you knew something I didn't.”

“And what did I know?”

“That no one else would have you.”

She'd deliberately tried to prick his temper with that remark, for she was still irritated with him, but Colin wasn't at all offended. The slap at his arrogance went unnoticed. He either didn't know she'd just insulted him or he didn't care, she decided when he burst into laughter.