Cathy Hopkins - [Mates, Dates 06] (11 page)

For once in her life,
Mum looked sheepish.

‘How
could
you, Mum?’ I asked. ‘This is really,
really
private.’ Angus got up and
tiptoed out behind me. Mum looked at the carpet. ‘Well, how else am I supposed
to know what’s going on with you? You never talk to me about your life and I’ve
been worried about you lately.’

‘But reading my
diary
. . .’ I felt near to tears. I wrote
all
sorts of stuff in my
diary, mad stuff, thoughts, feelings. It was a way of unloading, and often the
way I felt one day was different the next. It wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone
and it was
horrible
to think that someone had read it. I felt totally
exposed, like I was naked.

‘Come and sit down,
Izzie. Let’s talk about this…’ I turned and headed back up the stairs. I had
nothing more to say to her. If she’s done this, I thought, then she clearly has
no idea of who I really am and certainly doesn’t trust me. There’s only one
thing for it, I decided. I’ll go to my room, put a chair in front of the door so
that no one can get in, and tomorrow first thing, I’m going to go live with
Dad.

‘Hello, love,’ said
Dad as he opened the door the next morning and looked at his watch. ‘You’re
here early. I was just off to college.’

I hauled my bag up the
steps to his flat and into the hall. ‘I wanted to catch you before you left.
Can I come and live here with you and Anna? I’ll sleep on the sofa bed and I
won’t be any trouble, I just can’t take it at home any more. It’s been awful
lately and she’s gone too far this time. She’s driving me mad.’

‘Whoa, slow down, slow
down,’ said Dad. ‘Come into the kitchen and tell me all about it.’

I followed him in and
blurted out everything that had happened over the last few days. ‘I really
can’t stay there any longer,’ I said finally. ‘She’s a monster. I quite
understand why you divorced her.’

Dad smiled sadly.
‘She’s not a monster, Izzie, she’s just… oh dear, Izzie, what are we to do?’ He
glanced at his watch. ‘I’ve got a lecture in half an hour, so I can’t get into
all this now, but listen… I agree your mum should never have read your diary,
but, as for walking out on her… you know she has your best interests at heart…’

‘But she doesn’t seem
to realise that I’m not a little girl who needs constant looking after any
more…’ My voice trailed off. I knew that he was going to tell me to go back.
Part of me had been expecting it anyway, as I knew they didn’t really have
room. I sat at the table and put my head in my hands.

‘You have a nice home
there,’ Dad continued,‘ and your own room. It would drive you mad here, not
having your own space. You know that’s true.’ ‘Can’t I just stay a few days?’

Dad sighed. ‘You’re
always welcome, Izzie, but… where would we put you? Anna’s mum and dad are
arriving from Scotland this evening and will be staying for a couple of days.
Anna and I are going to give them our bedroom and we’re going to camp on the
sofa bed in the front room with Tom. So where would we put you? Listen, love,
let me call your mum to let her know that you’re here, then stay until I get
back at lunchtime and we’ll talk about it some more. I’ll drive you back and
I’ll have a chat with her and see what we can work out.’

‘Promise?’

‘Promise.’

Mum clearly wasn’t in
the chatting mood. It was horrible. Dad had only been in the house five minutes
when they got into a huge argument about responsibility. She was corning out
with the same old stuff about it being her who lay awake at night worrying
about me. I couldn’t bear it, so I slipped into Angus’s study to hide until it
was all over.

After a few minutes, I
heard the front door open. I peeked out and spotted Angus coming back with a
sandwich for his lunch. He cocked an ear at the kitchen door, then when he
realised what was going on, he turned on his heel and dived into the study,
closing the door firmly behind him.

Then he saw me.

‘Hiding?’

I nodded.

‘Good idea. Don’t
blame you,’ he said. ‘Best to lie low in here until it all blows over.’ He
offered me half of his sandwich. ‘Cheese and tomato?’

I shook my head and
sat on the floor by the bookshelves. I felt miserable. Dad didn’t want me at
his house and I didn’t want to live here. I didn’t belong anywhere.

Angus looked at me
with concern. ‘Been having a tough old time lately, haven’t you?’

I felt tears prick the
back of my eyes. I blinked to make them go away. The last thing I wanted to do
was cry in front of Angus. But too late. He’d seen and was handing me a tissue.

‘There, there,’ he
said. ‘Have a good old blow.’

I blew my nose into
the tissue, but it didn’t help. Tears were spilling out of my eyes and down my
cheeks. I pointed at the door. We could still hear raised voices in the
kitchen. ‘I didn’t mean this to happen. I didn’t mean any of it to happen.
Just… everything seems to be going wrong lately. Everything I touch turns into
a disaster. Mum doesn’t understand me and now I’ve caused a row between her and
Dad…What’s wrong with me?’

Angus chuckled.
‘Nothing. You’re a teenager.’

‘I bet Claudia and
Amelia never did anything wrong,’ I said. More perfect girls you could never
hope to meet. Both polite, both in good jobs, both married to accountants.

Angus laughed out loud
and got up and went to one of his shelves. ‘Those two girls made my life a
living hell,’ he said. ‘Want to see some pictures of them in their punk days?’

‘
Punk
days?
Amelia and Claudia? Never!’ My stepsisters were straighter than straight -
blonde, tidy, the kind of girls who looked like they never had a bad hair day.

Angus passed me the
album. Two girls with wild black hair and a ton of black eye make-up stared defiantly
out from the photographs, Amelia with the full spiked-up works, Claudia in a
tiny kilt, rubber basque and chains. Both had green lipstick on. Underneath the
photos, Angus had written, ‘Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.’

I burst out laughing.
‘
Excellent
.’ That’s one for Lucy’s slogan collection, I thought. She
spent the summer making T-shirts with cool slogans on them and had asked us all
to keep our eyes out for good lines.

Angus shook his head.
‘It got to a point where my wife and I were afraid to go away for fear of what
they might get up to in our absence. One time, half the neighbourhood came for
a party and trashed the place -motorbikes on the lawn, police cars at
midnight…’

‘I’m stunned,’ I said
as I stared at the photos and thought about the girls now. One a lawyer, the
other an accountant, neat and demure in their Jasper Conran outfits. Both had
homes with matching towels in the bathroom…

‘So was I,’ said
Angus. ‘It took me
years
to recover.’

‘Looking at these, I
can’t help but think, so what’s Mum’s problem, then? I mean, no offence, but
I’ve never been this wild.’

Angus sat at his desk.
‘Your mum cares deeply about you, Izzie. You must know that. I know you’ve got
to grow up and be independent, but you’ll always be her little girl, just as
Amelia and Claudia will always be my little girls, whatever age they are. Don’t
forget a few years ago, you were all cuddles and wanting to be with her. It can
be hard - suddenly she’s being shoved away as you want to be more adult and make
your own choices. It’s a difficult time of adjustment for parents as well. I
remember when my two didn’t want to hug me any more. If I ever went to embrace
them, they’d push me away. And if I ever went to pick them up from anywhere, I
was asked to stay out of sight round a corner because they were ashamed of me.
They didn’t want to be associated with an old fogey like me. I was out of date.
Only years before, they were a pair of real daddy’s girls. I was their hero,
they followed me everywhere. Then suddenly, they didn’t need or want me any
more. The rejection was tough to take.’

I flicked through his
album, taking in pictures of the girls as babies, then toddlers, then eight,
nine, ten, holding their mum and dad’s hands, smiling at the camera. Then they
turned into a pair of sulky teenagers with dyed hair and mad clothes.

‘I guess,’ I said. I’d
never thought about parents feeling rejected before. To me, Mum was just Mum,
always there. But I suppose I had shut her out lately and there was a time when
we used to hang out together a lot. And it was true, I couldn’t even remember
the last time I gave her a hug. ‘Hmmm.’ I smiled at Angus. ‘How about you talk
to her? She
can
trust me, you know. Just ask her to chill out a bit.’

‘I will. Of course I
will. Just try to meet her halfway,’ said Angus. ‘I bet you’ll find that it
makes a world of difference. Now, how about half that sarnie while the cast of
EastEnders
finish fighting it out in the kitchen.’

I took the sandwich
this time. ‘Thanks, Angus.’

He smiled. ‘You’re welcome,
Izzie.’

After talking to
Angus, I went to my room and ripped up the song I’d written about hating Mum so
much. In the light of what Angus had said, it seemed really harsh, and although
I was mad with her at the time, I would have hated for her to ever find it and
think that I really meant it. Writing it was just a way of letting off steam. I
guess I’ve got to find a way to express the times when she doesn’t wind me up
as well, I thought.

As I was ripping the
sheet of paper into tiny pieces, I heard the front door open and close. I
looked out the window to see Dad leaving. He looked up at me, smiled and gave
me the thumbs-up. Phew, at least that’s over, I thought as minutes later I
heard his car drive away.

Moments later, I heard
Mum’s footsteps on the stairs. I took a deep breath and resolved to be nice to
her. It wasn’t hard when she came in, as she looked strained after the
conversation with Dad. I was sorry I put her through it.

‘Er, Izzie…’ she
began.

‘Me first,’ I said. ‘I
want to say I’m sorry for… er, taking off this morning. It’s not that I don’t
appreciate everything you do and I know you worry about me and I’ll try harder
in future not to upset you.’

Mum’s face relaxed and
she sat on the end of my bed. ‘Did you really want to leave and live at your
dad’s?’

‘Not really,’ I lied.
I’d love to live at Dad’s, if there was room, but I wasn’t going to tell her
that. ‘I don’t think I’d last a day without my own space. I’m sorry I put you
through that.’

‘Me too. I’m sorry we
haven’t been getting along lately. I can’t help worrying about you, but I’ll
try not to be too much of an over-anxious mother. So, what are you going to do
this afternoon? Oh…’ She laughed. ‘I’m not checking up on you, only asking…’

I laughed as well. ‘I
may do some homework,’ I said. ‘And I may go up to Muswell Hill to get some
things from Ryman’s that I need for school - if that’s OK. Do you want me to
call you from Muswell Hill?’

Mum looked up at the
ceiling and smiled. ‘No. I trust you to go to the stationary shop. Honestly. Am
I really so bad?’ She glanced at the clock. ‘Oh… got to dash. They’ll be
wondering where I am at work, wandering off in the middle of the day…’

‘Sorry about that,’ I
said, looking at the carpet. I did feel a bit ashamed. I’d caused chaos today -
Dad having to leave college and Mum having to come home from work on her lunch
hour.

Mum looked at me with
concern. ‘So, are we all right now?’

I nodded.

She looked at her
watch again. ‘
Oh
. Got to go. Oh, and… I’ll be back late tonight. There’s
a work’s function I can’t avoid. It’s such a nuisance, these dinners always
come at the most inconvenient times. I’d rather come back and have a proper
chat about things, but it’s not something I can get out of. Angus will be
coming with me, so… will you be all right on your own this evening? These
things tend to go on a bit. I might not be back until it’s gone midnight. I can
ask Angus to stay if you like. He doesn’t really need to be there.’

‘No, don’t be silly.
Go. Have a good time. I don’t need babysitting.’

‘Only if you’re sure.’

‘I’m fine, Mum. And we
can chat another time,’ I said, feeling slightly relieved. Then I put on a
stern expression. ‘And if you’re going to be in past midnight, I expect a call.
I lie awake worrying if you’re not in.’

Mum raised an eyebrow
in surprise. ‘Don’t push it,’ she said as she went out the door. But she was
smiling.

At last, everything’s
back to normal, I thought after she’d gone.

But there are
twenty-four hours in a day and Thursday wasn’t over yet.

Best
and Worst