Caught in Transition (9 page)

After I saw the letter I was so proud of Sheelagh and how she had so beautifully put her feelings and reasons out there for all to read. My only other thought was my family had better be kind and accepting of her or they would have to deal with me.

The Naples Trip

We were planning a weekend trip to a bed and breakfast in Naples, New York State and part of me was looking forward to it and the other part wanted to hide out at home. What would it be like with Sheelagh and the other people? Would crossing the border be a problem? Will this trip make her happy or anxious? Society is tolerant of gays as a concept but don
’
t want to see open displays of affection in front of them because then it is too real. Gay in theory is one thing, reality is another. I think I was that way at one time; I still am occasionally taken by surprise if I see two men kissing.
 

The day came for us to leave for Naples New York. The puppies were boarded at the kennel and we headed to the border in our Nissan 350-Z. It was a fun little sports car but again it felt strange to me to be traveling in a sporty convertible with another woman instead of a man. I worried about people being intolerant of two gay women together, scared that they could harass us when we had the top down, or slash the top when it was up. Some people take issues with gays while others couldn
’
t care less. I just had to let it go and believe everything would be okay. Crossing the border at Kingston was extremely easy, and we had a lovely time shopping at Destiny USA before heading down to Naples.

Our room was very pretty with a huge four poster bed and a beautiful large bathroom with a giant Jacuzzi. After we got settled in we went out looking for a place to eat. We ended up in a Chinese restaurant and had a lovely meal. No one looked at us twice and everything was fine. At breakfast the next morning there were three other couples besides us and we all had to eat at one big table. I knew Sheelagh
’
s anxiety level was high but she did really well. No one asked us about our kids
–
maybe because we were a same sex couple they thought we didn
’
t have any. We did talk about dogs and politics. Everyone there hated Obama, but Sheelagh was good and didn
’
t enter into a debate about the merits of Obama with a bunch of diehard Republicans. I did feel better once breakfast was over.
 

That afternoon we had a wine tasting tour lined up and had a great time. After a few stops I stopped worrying what people thought when we shared our taste testing glasses. The power of a little alcohol! We ended up buying quite a few bottles to take home with us. That evening we sat outside and drank some wine, watched lightning bugs and talked.
 

Our last night there Sheelagh drank a lot of wine and basically went to bed around 10:30 P.M. She awoke around 4:00 A.M. sighing and moving around a lot until she woke me up. I had her put her head on my shoulder and asked if there was anything she wanted to say and she said no, but kept on sighing. This sighing continued and eventually I got her to open up a little. She was sad and disappointed about things from her past (she gave no elaboration) and also said she was upset about not having sex. I knew that was coming
–
on Friday we arrived late after a long drive and shopping all day and were exhausted. Saturday night Sheelagh kept drinking and couldn
’
t possibly have had sex. On Sunday I gave her a choice of staying inside and having sex or going out and feeding the animals. (They had horses, sheep and a pig where we were staying). And she picked feeding the animals.
 

Sex can be hit or miss when you have someone taking estrogen daily with little or no testosterone in their system
–
a lot of times it
’
s a miss. I felt her frustration but found it hard to believe she thought she would always be able to maintain an erection without testosterone. I don
’
t know if it was wishful thinking or something she had read, but this was one thing that truly bothered Ms. Sheelagh.

We had a lovely drive home and had time to stop at an outlet mall. I enjoyed shopping with Sheelagh instead of having her just sit in the car and read, which is what happened before her transition. I find it
’
s nicer to shop together because I loved helping her pick out clothes and seeing her excitement when something fit and looked amazing. We both were able to find a few things and enjoyed the sunny ride home.

Emotions

With each passing day I was finding handling Sheelagh
’
s emotions easier. I still found her reactions to things peculiarly disconcerting. I had grown used to the calm, rational Zen-like responses that were typical of her before she began transitioning. Now I was finding that Sheelagh could be quick to react and respond to me the way I did to her. She was a quick study in learned behaviour, mine.
 

Sheelagh spent a lot of time feeling bad about past transgressions and past problems. As far as I was concerned the past is in the past and you can
’
t change anything so why dwell on it. Perhaps she was trying to get things in perspective or just getting used to being a woman, I
’
m just not sure.
 

The one thing I noticed was that Sheelagh was more talkative after her transition than she had been before it. One night after copious amounts of wine Sheelagh told me she might want to have GRS (Genital Reconstruction Surgery). I think she wanted or expected me to just say okay go for it, but I just couldn
’
t do that. Obviously I wanted her to be happy but I didn
’
t think that would make me happy.
 

I knew our sex life was hit or miss when it came to orgasms for her, but I wasn
’
t willing to compromise any further. I told her all of this and with the late hour coupled with the wine, the discussion quickly escalated into an argument. I remember her saying,
“
Fuck you!
”
and then she stormed up to our room. I followed her and laid behind her on the bed and grabbed her in a hug and held her until she settled down.
 

After she fell asleep I laid there wondering where my life was going to go from here. If she went through with the operation and we both hated our sex life, and ended up resenting each other, then maybe things would be over between us. If I could continue to roll with the punches we would both be okay.

I love Sheelagh. It
’
s something visceral that I feel deep down inside. I never felt this type of connection with my first husband. I guess that
’
s why this whole thing made me feel so sad, it was a big snowball that just kept on rolling and picking up speed and kept getting bigger. I loved our plans for the future and I
’
d just got my glass studio set up the way I liked it, but if I had to leave I would. I would just pack everything up and move back to St. Catharines where my family lived.
 

My heart would be broken
–
all I wanted was for Sheelagh to love me as much as I loved her
–
that
’
s not asking for the moon or maybe it was, I don
’
t know anymore. I know she had to be true to herself, but I also knew that for our relationship to work we both had to be happy. I truly believe everything happens for a reason, so was this to push me away and encourage me to return to St. Catharines or was it to increase my patience and empathy
–
I
’
m still not really sure of the answer.
 

One night I heard the coyotes and they sounded so forlorn out there. I no longer felt hopeless or helpless, but I did feel a bit forlorn. I hoped Sheelagh could just be happy without GRS. I don
’
t know how I would relate to her sexually if she had the operation. I have heard that the amount of healing and aftercare is huge with that type of surgery and in the end would it make her happier? Did she feel driven to have GRS so she wouldn
’
t feel at odds within herself? I can
’
t even begin to think what that must feel like, but the ball was in her court and I just had to play the wait and see game.

It was the middle of May and Sissy wanted a break and therefore was coming up to visit for a few days. This was always fun as we would go antiquing and shopping together. Sissy and Sheelagh always got along famously; Sissy has always been one of Sheelagh
’
s biggest supporters. The two of them think along the same lines and sometimes it
’
s kind of scary what the two of them come up with. Sissy saw a huge change in Sheelagh
–
physically the puffiness and swelling had gone down considerably to reveal her beautiful face, but she thought Sheelagh
’
s heart had grown and she was more relaxed and happy.
 

It was nice to get that input from an outside source because I was too involved sometimes to see Sheelagh in the bigger picture as a happy woman, as opposed to someone who was radically changing my life in ways I didn
’
t want changed.

Most days I found myself quite happy but there were times I would throw myself a pity party and feel bad for how my life had changed so dramatically now that I found myself married to a woman. The bond, or connection, Sheelagh and I share is so strong I feel like we can get through anything, other times I find myself asking,
“
Why did this happen to me?
”

Motorcycle

Sheelagh had been talking about getting a smaller motorcycle to replace the beast we currently owned. She wanted to get a white Harley Davidson Sportster with pink flames on it. I thought it would be very uncool to be seen driving that, but she didn
’
t think so. She wanted it because it was pretty
–
sometimes she drives me crazy.
 

We did have to sell the bike we had, it was a Suzuki Boulevard C109R, 1800 cc. A bike that was now much too heavy for Sheelagh to handle. It was clear to me that the machine was dangerous because even before she started CHT, she tore several disks in her back when the bike nearly slid down an embankment.

I no longer wanted to be her motorcycle passenger because I didn
’
t think she could safely keep herself, me and the bike upright since she
’
d lost some of her muscular strength as her testosterone levels dropped. This was going to be the end of the motorcycle chapter of my life. I took motorcycle lessons a few years before to try driving my own bike, but failed miserably.
 

For the past six years we had gone out every weekend and shared motorbike adventures together. The ending was bittersweet
–
part of me would miss the closeness and the feeling of being free spirits together, and the other part of me felt it was time to put away my leather jacket and helmet. We had a nasty accident in 2002 and another one a couple of years later. I no longer wanted to tempt the fates.

Sheelagh, on the other hand, wanted to trade in the Boulevard for a lighter and more manageable bike. After much researching and sourcing out bikes she bought herself a 2011 Triumph America 860 cc. She told me that this was nearly a clone of her first big bike. She had always wanted this style of bike again, but it had gone out of production long ago. She could buy one now since she didn
’
t have to worry about carrying a passenger, and the company had started building a new improved version of her old Triumph. The America was a lovely blue and sparkling white bike - very feminine looking without being over the top. She was extremely happy with her choice. I couldn
’
t really see her going off by herself on the weekends to ride, but I could be wrong. We would see.

We had been talking for awhile about replacing my 2004 RAV4 with a newer model
–
used, but new to me. We went to look around the lot on a Sunday when it was closed. Sheelagh walked up to a white Matrix, walked around it and said,
“
I
’
m going to get this one!
”
 

I couldn
’
t believe it. She had just bought a brand new motorcycle and had a red truck that was only a few years old. She went on to tell me she wanted a sporty car, not a big hulking truck. She wanted to separate herself as far as possible from who she was before. Since we live in the country mostly men drove pickup trucks
–
so I got it. We went home and crunched numbers and decided to trade in the old RAV4, the truck and the Nissan 350 Z for a newer RAV and a Matrix.