Caught in Transition (6 page)

On Monday, February 6
^th
, Sheelagh was showering herself as well as dressing herself. I was still doing that deep tissue massage and feeding her, but the pressure to be all things to her had lessened. I was able to relax a little bit. Sheelagh
’
s face and neck were still bruised and swollen and she still tired extremely easily, but she was up for a visit from a transwoman she had met online who lived in the area.

This woman arrived at 9:30 A.M. and the two of them visited in the breakfast room for a couple of hours. It was interesting to me to meet a transwoman who wasn
’
t having FFS and to hear how her coming out to her wife ended in divorce and coming out at work ended in her being fired. Such a very sad and different outcome compared to Sheelagh. It made my heart break to hear she was banned from seeing her children because she had been told she would confuse and upset them. She wasn
’
t sad, but she wasn
’
t terribly happy either. She was resigned to the fact that that part of her life was over. When Sheelagh
’
s friend left it was like someone had popped her balloon, she just deflated. After a small lunch and some pain medication she was off to sleep.

My friends and family were quite often mentioning how brave and courageous I was, but that
’
s not how I felt. Most of the time I felt scared and apprehensive, and hoped that the love the two of us shared would be enough to whether all the changes taking place.

The next couple of days went by with a feeding, cleaning and massaging routine in place. When Sheelagh rested I went out to the Jewel-Osco supermarket and bought groceries and had her prescription for Vicodin filled. Finally we made it to February 9
^th
, and Sheelagh was going to the clinic to get the staples taken out of the incision in her forehead. It sounded worse than it was and the best part (and the scariest for me) was that we were leaving for home the next day.
 

Antonio

I had to use the hotel’s shuttle for everything from grocery shopping to picking up prescriptions. I saw the same people there day after day and I became friends with a few of them. One of the young fellows who drove the shuttle was quite nice. He was twenty one years old and told me all about his family and his want to go to school. Unfortunately he had to work to bring money in because his father was gone and his mother was sick. One day he actually said to me,
“
I hope you don
’
t mind my saying this but we
’
ve had women here for girls nights out and things, but they never looked at each other like you and Sheelagh do.
”
 

I said,
“
Maybe that
’
s because they were friends but Sheelagh and I are married.
”
 

He thought about that for a moment and then told me he didn
’
t believe in homosexuality because he was a good Christian. He also asked me if I was afraid I wouldn
’
t get into heaven when I died. The whole conversation seemed a little surreal so I just said that my god is a loving and forgiving god and I don
’
t have any worries. He then smiled at me and said that I was a very nice person with a kind heart, even if I was gay.
 

Returning Home

At the end of our two week stay there, Antonio made a point of coming to say goodbye to us both, and to wish Sheelagh a quick recovery. To this day I think of him and wonder if maybe he is able to see gay people not as an abomination against his religion, but as people who can be kind with good hearts.
 

Having been with Sheelagh for so many years before she began transitioning, I was used to being looked after by a man and helped through airports. This time I was the one in charge. I didn
’
t sleep well the night before imagining all the terrible things that could go wrong; like getting lost, Sheelagh fainting, dealing with all the stares of strangers wondering who had beaten up the poor woman. I even believed that if she got on that plane she would have an embolism. When morning came I think I was the one who could have used the Lorazepam!
 

The car service picked us up and took us to O
’
Hare airport. I had called ahead and we were met by an airport employee with a wheelchair - that was a huge relief - now if Sheelagh fainted she wouldn
’
t hurt herself. I kept Sheelagh hydrated and medicated because this trip was extremely hard on her. She made it through the flight mostly by sleeping and she didn
’
t even die of an embolism
–
things went well.
 

We landed in Toronto and we were met at the gate by another employee with a wheelchair. That was the only time we breezed through customs, who knew that people in wheelchairs didn
’
t have to wait in line! The baggage claim was the worst experience because I had to lift two heavy suitcases off of the luggage carousel
–
luckily a kind man showed up and helped me lift the second one. Once all the luggage was corralled, the employee took us right outside, hailed a taxi and helped Sheelagh into it. This was absolutely wonderful because by this time I was feeling totally overwhelmed.
 

We took the taxi to the hotel where we had left our car. I loaded Sheelagh and the luggage inside and now I got to drive us home. This was another thing I never had to do before, so more pressure to get through Toronto
’
s rush hour and get home without hitting anything or falling asleep. A trip that would normally take one hour took nearly two hours, but we made it home safely. By the time I got Sheelagh inside and settled in bed and all the luggage in, I felt like I
’
d just finished running a marathon. Thank heavens that was over and we were home. I was so exhausted I think I fell asleep sitting up on the couch
…
again.
 

Home Recovery

Sheelagh was so happy to be home, back where we belonged. She did not return to work until the beginning of March. The month of February was spent healing and waiting for the swelling to go down. Her pain was being handled well with the pain killers she was taking until she reached the three week mark. That was when the nerves started to reconnect in her forehead; she went from feeling just uncomfortable to experiencing real pain.
 

We still had a nightly routine of massaging her face and neck. The hardest part was the nose squeezing which hurt the worst. We did nose squeezing because there
’
s the incision below the nose and the broken bones within the nose and if massaging was not done she would end up with a big bulbous nose. Massaging pushes the extra moisture under the skin and helps it to drain into the lymphatic system and drain away, otherwise it accumulates in that tissue and a person would become disfigured.
 

Emotionally Sheelagh was feeling grounded and pretty good because she had survived the surgery. I was happy she had survived but wasn
’
t thrilled with all the constant massaging which took nearly an hour every night and made my fingers ache.

Sheelagh Back to Work

It was in August of 2011 that Sheelagh spoke to human resources at her place of work about transitioning on the job. The woman she spoke with was very professional and helpful, she said she would deal with it and talk to Sheelagh’s district manager about the transition. Sheelagh was extremely lucky to be working in a place that was supportive of the transition.
 

Sheelagh was going to go back to work for the very first time ever as a woman. Her company had brought in a transgender education consultant to do a seminar on transsexuals while Sheelagh was away from work getting FFS.
 

We had the following taped conversation about her return to work.
 

ME: Why did you have FFS? (Facial feminization surgery)
 

SHEELAGH: Well, I was such a darn gorgeous guy but a darn gorgeous guy doesn't necessarily make a good looking woman. I needed some surgical tune ups to my face so that people wouldn't get cognitive diffidence between the way I was living in the world and the way I may appear to them.
 

ME: Was it worth all the pain and everything you went through to be who you are now?
 

SHEELAGH: Absolutely worth it. I'd do it again in a heartbeat.
 

ME: When you had to go back to work for the very first time as a woman how were you feeling?
 

SHEELAGH: Apprehensive, absolutely apprehensive. I did know that there had been that consultant brought in to talk to people I worked with about transitioning. I also knew it was voluntary attendance, so that meant to me that people who were overworked or looking for a break must have attended.
 

ME: Oh come on – not necessarily.
 

SHEELAGH: And the people who may have felt that god doesn
’
t believe in that stuff wouldn
’
t have attended.
 

ME: So you work with a lot of people who are like that?
 

SHEELAGH: No, not really, there
’
s just one on my floor who seems like that.
 

ME: So what was the very first day like for you?
 

SHEELAGH: I was brave
–
I was in a brave mood
–
I went in there feeling I was in my power and I felt good. I don
’
t know what I would have done if someone would have given me a really hard time, but I believe I could have stood up for myself.
 

ME: Did anyone give you a hard time?
 

SHEELAGH: No, actually the people were kinder and more connecting with me than they had ever actually been before. One of the men came over and was going to give me the big speech. He said I was going to give you a big speech and tell you what I originally thought about this big change of yours. When I first heard about your change it shocked me and I was put off by it, but I thought about you and how you would have treated anyone else who was in the same situation, and I realized that you, being such a kind person, were worthy of consideration and I considered that. That
’
s when I cut him off and I said I just wanted a normal day. I didn
’
t want any approbation. I didn
’
t want any highs, I didn
’
t want any lows, I just wanted it to be a regular workday.
 

ME: So this was a person who knew you as Steve in the past and was treating you with a lot of respect.
 

SHEELAGH: Yes I was impressed by it. I hadn
’
t really worked with him all that much but we
’
d talked a few times and got along. I thought it was really cool but I just didn
’
t want a big speech about it, especially when some of it was him not being okay with me. I work a seven hour day and I just wanted to get through that one and I didn
’
t want to hear about how enlightened you are because you
’
re okay with me. Honestly I don
’
t need anybody to be okay with me, do your job, I
’
ll do my job and then the day is done. Actually the biggest thing that made a difference that day was that there was a general section meeting and Bob came over to me as the meeting was ending. He put his hand on my shoulder and said you look good. That made my day. Especially since I knew I didn
’
t look that good.
 

ME: You were still swollen, but you did look good.
 

SHEELAGH: I looked very good for the bride of Frankenstein.
 

ME: No, that’s not right.
 

SHEELAGH: The good thing was I didn
’
t have hair with bands of black and white in it and it wasn
’
t frizzy and tall.
 

ME: That’s just silly.
 

SHEELAGH: I had to go and get a new ID picture taken and when I look at that picture it makes me shudder.
 

ME: I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You looked better than just Steve in a dress; you were still swollen that’s all.
 

SHEELAGH: Well yes, it takes months and months before that kind of surgery settles down.
 

ME: So going back to when you started working again, was it stressful or not stressful?
 

SHEELAGH: Well, it definitely was stressful. I went in the there expecting the worst and I was prepared for the worst because when I left I was one person and when I came back I was another person and I wasn’t sure whether that was going to fly or not going to fly. I
’
d worked there for four years and I was hoping I wouldn
’
t have to deal with something extremely negative which could have happened, but it didn
’
t. When I was done that day I didn
’
t feel like I
’
d been through the wars, I actually felt like I was blessed because it could have been so much worse. As far as an environment to transition in I probably had the crème de la crème of it.