Caught in Transition (15 page)

Life has a way of continuing and it was hard to believe that a year had passed since the death of my mom. We bought a red maple tree and planted it out front to commemorate the date. Sheelagh was so sweet, she sweated bullets digging a hole big enough and fertilizing it within an inch of it’s life. Our fingers were crossed that it would survive the winter and grow into a beautiful remembrance tree. We hoped it would be as hardy as the woman it memorialized. The next spring it came vigorously back to life.

On June 25
^th
, Sheelagh found out the results of the interviews she
’
d had at CAMH. She had passed everything and had been recommended for surgery in Montreal. Sex had only worked for her once in the last nine months, so for her, the announcement gave her hope that things could be better. For me, however, this announcement made the possibility of GRS more real, and this reality stung. I just wasn’t going to think about it, because if I did I’d go crazy.

Anniversary 15

The celebration of our fifteenth wedding anniversary was quickly approaching. Fifteen was a big number for both of us. We had both been married before, but the fifteenth anniversary in those marriages was not a happy time. At those times, fifteen was the herald of the impending death of severely failing relationships.
 

For us this was a time of renewal, and we felt that it was a time to commemorate not just the good times we
’
d had, but to celebrate the escape from what was nearly the end of our marriage. Most marriages do not survive the process or consideration of the trial of transsexual transition. We felt we
’
d left the dark days of that threat behind us.
 

How we would celebrate it required discussion. We
’
d committed ourselves to a large expense for our trip to see the Rolling Stones in New Zealand. Money wasn
’
t exactly tight, but we were aware that starting a trend of extravagance could lead to being unable to be ready for the big trip. We wanted to return to the hotel beside the Kingston harbour, and drink wine while listening to the festivities of the annual Busker
’
s festival. We also imagined having a lazy afternoon sipping exotic cocktails in a Queen street bistro we had been to before, but we knew the bill for that holiday would be more than a thousand dollars.

So instead of that we went out and bought our favourite cheeses, wines and nibbles so we could have our own celebratory feast in our home in the forest. We could spend more freely on our frugal festival, because compared to Kingston it would be a bargain. It wasn
’
t all we wanted, but it was all we needed to enjoy the weekend with each other and in each other
’
s embrace.

Our anniversary date fell on a Saturday so we we able to go out for breakfast together. At a small cafe in a nearby town we ordered a simple breakfast. While we ate, Sheelagh presented me with a little box. I looked at her questioningly and opened it slowly. I was surprised to find a necklace with an entwined diamond heart pendant. My heart was touched that she would remember how special a double heart was to me. One heart was one person, a double heart meant two, and that was me and my Sheelagh.

We went back home to celebrate, and that afternoon we had nibbles and a cocktail on our sunny deck. Sheelagh went inside and a few minutes later, I heard her call to me from upstairs. What could she want? I thought she was coming right back out, so I went to find out what the problem was. I trudged up the stairs, down the hallway and pushed open the bedroom door which was ajar. Just as I did, I was grabbed from behind, and found myself pinned against the wall by her body. I was startled and pleasantly surprised to feel her soft lips press passionately to mine. I closed my eyes and melted into her firm embrace. Where was this going? I didn
’
t care as I felt the heat of love between us rise in our hearts.

She kissed me deeply and I returned her kiss with ardor from my own depths. We were quickly on the bed, and both consumed in desire. Our passion took both of us to the heights we longed for, and we collapsed spent and fulfilled on the rumpled sheets.

We enjoyed the rest of this fantastic weekend together, reminiscing and talking about the next fifteen years. There was love for each other, in our hearts, our souls, and our bodies. It was a celebration of what was, as well as what was going to be.

Arthritis

It was around this time that I finally had my meeting with a rheumatologist and I was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA). This is an autoimmune disease in which the body’s immune system - which normally protects its health by attacking foreign substances like bacteria and viruses - mistakenly attacks the joints.

There isn’t a cure for it, basically you try to slow the progression of the disease with drugs, diet, and exercise. Being told I had RA just threw me for a loop. With everything else that I had been dealing with I now had an incurable disease. Sheelagh was worried for me and totally supported the changes I made, including no red meat, sugar or coffee. After I got over the shock of it, I accepted it and altered my lifestyle accordingly. Everything was going to be alright .

Breast Augmentation Revision

Sheelagh
’
s second breast augmentation surgery was just around the corner and we would be driving to Chicago.

I wondered what our stay at the Staybridge Inn would be like, and a week later I found out. Except for the front desk staff none of the other staff seemed to speak English and were not interested in talking with us. The surgery went well and Sheelagh was up and walking to breakfast the next day. Our time there went by fairly quickly
–
it was nice to have our own car. I was able to take her out for rides and we went and saw the marble Baha
’
i temple and Lake Michigan. She wasn
’
t up to walking around very much but she did enjoy getting out of the hotel room for a break. By day five we were heading back home.
 

Unfortunately I had to drive the entire way back. The highways in Illinois were under construction, Indiana was under construction and Michigan had some of the worst bumpiest roads we had ever been on, and should have been under construction. Poor Sheelagh had a great deal of discomfort due to all the bumping and bouncing we had to endure.
 

We arrived home on a Monday and Sheelagh had to be back to work on Tuesday, and she figured she would be just fine. She still had to take pain medication and was expected to work a regular eight hour day. The first two days back she was so exhausted that three times she almost drove off the 401 on the way home, and once almost didn
’
t make the corner coming into our driveway. She wasn
’
t in a position where she could only work half days, so for a week I drove her to work and went back and picked her up eight hours later. It took one hour there and one hour back in the morning
–
then another hour there and another hour back in the afternoon. I lost four hours out of my day.
 

I was working for myself but by the time I looked after the dogs, the chores and groceries there weren
’
t many hours left in the day. I was able to help her out for one week and by then she was able to taper off the medication and was feeling more awake behind the wheel. Thank goodness!
 

Sheelagh ended up being very happy with the results of the surgery. To this day she has not experienced any pain and can wear a bra without underwire. That whole first experience was scary and caused the loss of a huge amount of money (approximately twenty thousand dollars Canadian). It was a damn shame she hadn
’
t gone with Dr. Z in the first place.
 

It took until September 2014 to fix the unhappy outcome of the operation that began back in June of 2013. Throughout this time I felt bad for Sheelagh and tried to be supportive. I really hadn
’
t wanted her to go for this surgery in the first place so at times I found myself feeling angry and frustrated with her. This transition was affecting our lives a great deal more than I ever could have imagined.

Ladies Night

A few weeks later our local Home Depot was having
“
A Ladies Night
”
and Sheelagh said we should go. They would be having some workshops and free food as well as surprise draws, so I said sure even though I did not want to go. We showed up with about sixty other women and were underwhelmed. The roses we were given upon entering were a nice touch, but we thought the workshops would be places where we would learn something, and actually do it, and then take home a finished product. That was not the case. They had someone talking about how to plant bulbs, someone else talking about how to caulk things, and someone else from LG wanting to sell washers and dryers.
 

Sheelagh felt uncomfortable because she was the tallest person there and already knew everything they were teaching, and I was bored because I didn
’
t care about the things they were talking about. We put in a good forty-five minutes and then called it a night. The best part of the evening was when we got to eat Home Depot
’
s cake! (Just a little bit of sugar!).

GRS Reconsidered

We were watching television on the night before Hallowe
’
en when Sheelagh
’
s mobile phone buzzed. She reached over lazily to check it. The message was from the Montreal Clinic - last August they had booked her for GRS on March 10
^th
in 2015. Her eyes widened as she mouthed an expletive.
 

“
What is it?
”
I asked.

“
They
’
ve changed the friggin
’
date!
” she exclaimed.

The date change was a minor one, just one day, from the 10
^th
to the 9
^th
, but the 9
^th
was a Monday. Since the failure of her initial breast surgery, which took place on a Monday, she swore she would never ever have another surgery on a Monday. She responded quickly to Montreal telling them that the date wasn
’
t acceptable. The email exchange continued over the next couple of days.
 

At the end of it, she had lost her confirmed surgery date, and had now completely decided against having GRS in Montreal. She was beginning to question whether to have GRS at all. This huge disruption of plans that had been in place for months seemed to her to be an omen that her decision for GRS may have been a wrong one. Sex still wasn
’
t working for her, and hadn
’
t in months, so she still believed something had to change - but what?
 

She began to explore information on all the other GRS surgeons that she had identified as prime candidates back in March after she
’
d had her intake interview at CAMH. She was also trying to figure out how surgery in a foreign country could be financed. Some surgeons in Thailand would be available in early 2015, and with a stretch she could probably finance it herself. The prime US surgeons might be available as well, but their wait list was much longer than the Thai doctors. Orchiectomy (removal of the testes) might still be an option, since that would allow her to stop taking the strong anti-androgen medication that threatened the health of her liver.

New Zealand

This was our time for living outside the box
–
we were going on a two week trip
–
one week in New Zealand and one week in Maui. We were going to New Zealand to see the Rolling Stones! That is the only reason. I
’
m sure to some it sounds elitist and others may have thought we were crazy but to us it made perfect sense. I was worried about my future of living with rheumatoid arthritis and Sheelagh was also worried about me, on top of that she was worrying about whether to get GRS and the effect it would have on our relationship.
 

Therefore we thought we would throw caution to the wind and do a once in a lifetime trip. It was between Perth, Australia and Auckland New Zealand, those being the two places the Stones were playing that we could get to. Sheelagh picked New Zealand because their attitude to gays was more favourable than that of Australia. We bought the Stones tickets online and I spent three hours in a CAA travel office working out times, flights and hotels with our travel agent. I had no idea we would be flying through six different airports in fourteen days. It is a hell of a long ways to go to New Zealand
…
Who knew?!
 

The day finally came when we dropped our puppies off at their kennel and we were off. First stop was Toronto and then on to Los Angeles. Thank goodness Air New Zealand had an amazing lounge because we landed there at 11:15 A.M. and didn
’
t depart until 11:00 P.M. that night. It was a pretty good day because we had comfy seats, free Wi-Fi, free food and alcoholic drinks. The time passed relatively quickly and then we got to board Air New Zealand to fly to Auckland. The plane was lovely, we had great seats and I took a sleeping pill and woke up six hours later with only five more hours left to fly. Sheelagh got in some sleep as well and we arrived in Auckland at 8:30 the next morning.