Caught in Transition (17 page)

Puppy Trip

Sheelagh and I made the three hour drive to the kennel that had the little Havanese puppies “just to have a look at them.” In our hearts, we kind of knew at least one, if not both, would have to come home with us at some point. We loved their look, but we wanted to check out their dispositions and how they reacted to us.
 

Long story short, we fell in love with a little white faced fluffy male puppy. This little one loved being in Sheelagh’s arms and showered her with puppy kisses, and basically fell in love with Sheelagh. Sheelagh was not tough enough to resist the love of the little fluffy, so we were going to have a new little heart beating in our home. We would have to return to pick him up when he became old enough to leave the kennel. It was going to be a long month!

Scottsdale

It was nice to have my happy Sheelagh back because even though we had been home less than three weeks since returning from Hawaii we were now heading to Scottsdale for Christmas. The plans for Scottsdale were made before the plans to go to New Zealand and Hawaii. It was becoming a tradition to go and spend Christmas in Scottsdale.

Our trip down there was easy and uneventful. We went up to Sedona for the first night because we wanted to see the Christmas lights and trees all decorated. We had a wonderful time and enjoyed our hotel room with the fireplace. In the morning we did a little shopping and then headed to the house we had rented for the week in North Scottsdale.

We had to call the owner to figure out how to get into the gated community because we were not sent the complete instructions in the first place. Once we got in, we felt the water in the hot tub which was perfect and then Sheelagh felt the pool temperature and it was very cold. We found the pool remote and turned it to heat and then unloaded the luggage and groceries from the car.

The owner called my cell phone to make sure we managed to get in alright, and I said we had but we had to turn on the pool because it was cold. He said that the house wasn’t rented with a heated pool. Now I was starting to get a little upset with him because the ad for the house specifically said heated pool and hot tub - he said it did not. Sheelagh quickly pulled up the ad on her cell phone and pointed out that was exactly what it said. I told him to read his ad and get back to me, and then I hung up on him.
 

I hated dealing with stuff like this, but since Sheelagh was uncomfortable talking on the phone because she thought her voice wasn’t feminine enough, I ended up dealing with it. The owner called my cell and apologized and said it was a typo and it would take a week to heat a pool that size and way too much money, and that was the reason it wasn’t heated. Now I had looked at a lot of houses and the only reason I had picked that house was due to it having a heated pool. I was furious with him. He offered to cut the price in half, but by that time I was so upset I was nearly in tears and didn’t want to spend a week in a house staring at a pool I couldn’t use, so I told him I wanted a full refund.

He agreed to the refund because it had been his mistake, but now we had to pack up the car again and find a place to stay. I was crying and so frustrated, but Sheelagh was great. She grabbed me in a big hug and held me and told me everything was going to be alright. She said we would go to the hotel we usually stayed at in Scottsdale and see if they had rooms, and if they didn’t we could return to Sedona. It was a good plan.

We ended up at the hotel we usually stayed at and got a beautiful suite on the top floor. As luck had it we were just in time for happy hour so everything did work out okay. During our week there we had a lovely time going to new restaurants and visiting Superstition Mountain. One evening we had dinner at the Mexican restaurant next door to our hotel, and ended up walking back with our arms around each other singing a Monkey’s song. We may have had one too many margaritas!

The week we spent there was perfect, unfortunately the sex wasn’t. Our attempt at lovemaking ended in disappointment and that failure felt like the last small strand of hope had been severed. In my mind I could see GRS rear it’s ugly head again. We didn’t let it get the best of us and made it back home still smiling and talking, and happy to be together.

Transgender Conference

There was a good feeling between us this new year. The time we spent together in Scottsdale brought us closer together. We were good to each other and had fun. The first few days of the new year we talked at length about whether GRS was the right thing to do. An orchiectomy, Sheelagh told me, could satisfy her need to go farther in her transition and still allow us the hope of having a sex life. We had such strong hope, that Sheelagh quickly penned a letter to indefinitely postpone GRS, and contacted a surgeon in Phoenix to discuss having an orchiectomy. I found out later that she didn’t actually mail the letter, but she did write it.

A week later, out of the blue, Sheelagh asked me if I wanted to go to Boston and of course I said, “Yes,” followed by “Why are we going to Boston?”

She said there was a transgender conference there called First Event. Two of the best transgender specializing surgeons in North America were going to be presenters, one of whom she was considering for an orchiectomy. Sheelagh would also be able to hear what they had to say about the benefits of full GRS versus partial GRS. She would be able to get answers from them without having to go to their individual offices in the US southwest.

I looked at the event’s website and the one thing I really liked was that they were also offering workshops for partners of transpeople. I thought I would be able to meet people in the same predicament I was in.

Sheelagh booked everything from the flight and workshops to the hotel, while I found a place for our puppies to stay. On January 23
^rd
, we flew to Boston and made it there for the 11:30 A.M. workshop. I found it to be a real eye-opener. Everyone else at this particular workshop were transpeople. It broke my heart to hear their stories of losing their families, or their jobs. Some had attempted suicide due to being ridiculed and hurt by society in general. No one person
’
s story was the same as another, but Sheelagh
’
s story was so different than most everyone else
’
s - she still had her life, her job and me.
 

After lunch I attended a group gathering for partners of transpeople and it was amazing to be able to talk to people about my life and have them understand it, as opposed to looking shocked or horrified at me. I met partners of crossdressers and transsexuals who were all in the early stages of the process. The women (it was open to men as well but only women were there that day) who were there loved their partners and were trying their best to come to grips with what was happening to their lives. Some women were considering divorce, others were hoping it was a phase their partners would pass through. I knew where they were coming from because I had been exactly where they were. Throughout the session there was some laughing and crying, but at the end it was comforting to know that I wasn
’
t the only one out there.

It had been a very long day and that night in our hotel room I looked at Sheelagh and thought we were very lucky to still be together after everything we had gone through. I could easily have left her, or she could have said she wanted to be with other people, but here we were together. We found ourselves that snowy night in Boston wrapped up in each others arms.

The next morning we were up and out to the workshops. That morning I had another spousal/partner session which went very well. Sheelagh attended her own workshop and we met up together for lunch. I remember us looking at each other and feeling so happy - we even ordered a bottle of wine with lunch. Ordering wine out is something we don
’
t do because we resent paying the extra restaurant charges on it but today felt special, almost celebratory. We were surrounded by like minded individuals but we were focused on ourselves because I think we both realized how lucky we were to have each other.

After lunch Sheelagh and I attended the same workshop because it was one for couples. I recognized a lot of women from the morning groups and it was interesting to meet their partners. The women who were so vocal in the morning sat quietly beside their partners as their partners told their story from their perspective. Definitely an eye opening experience, because both sides were so different and many times divided.

One of the women I’d befriended from the morning session was also married to a socially transitioned transwoman. She said it would be great if her spouse and mine could meet each other for this session. Her spouse was a presenter at another workshop, but not one that was happening at the same time as this one.

When the group leader asked whether her partner was coming, she said she was but would be a little late. Her partner never arrived. My friend sat there silently and looked so sad. My heart went out to her. It is so hard to be with a spouse who is different in a world that isn’t quick to sympathize. Now here she was, in a safe welcoming environment, sitting alone. Another promise broken.
 

After the session she wouldn’t meet my eyes and was the first one out the door. I never had a chance to say goodbye. Sheelagh and I were able to say our goodbyes to another friend I’d made. We hugged and left with promises of future emails. To this day we are still in contact.

Sheelagh and I made it to Boston before a snowfall and we made it out before a major snowstorm, which turned out to be the start of one of the worst blizzards in fifty years. I was relieved to get back home and pick up our furry little family.

The GRS Discussion

So many times during Sheelagh’s transition I defined the limits of what I could accept. As far as I could tell, Sheelagh agreed with those limits.
 

Along the way some promises were broken. This could look like intentional deception, but for transpeople such transgressions were sometimes unavoidable. Their destiny was set at birth, and the drive to become themselves often took precedent over promises that were made.

Most life partners of transpeople were never taught the word transgender and all that it entailed. The knowledge of transgendered lives is just starting to be understood. Even transgender people are often lost when they try to understand the motivations behind what they are driven to do. This makes life even more confusing for their partners.
 

Now here we were again discussing another change that Sheelagh had said was off limits, GRS.

At the end of last year she was toying with the idea of having a vulva created, but without a vagina. The surgery to make a vagina was very invasive, so the chances of accidental damage to internal organs and blood vessels would be greatly lowered by not having that part done.

Having a vagina would be an unwanted maintenance problem if there was no sensory value to having one.
 

At First Event she learned from the GRS surgeons, that having a vagina provides access to a very erotically sensitive area that would not be accessible without a vagina. Sheelagh had always been worried that the procedure could result in some sensory loss. She was happy to learn that when a surgeon has done a lot of GRS procedures the odds of any major complications go down.

Armed with all the new information she found out about the chances of having a climax with a vagina versus only a vulva, she chose the full GRS procedure to have both. She was willing to put up with the increased body maintenance in hope that there would be enough sensation overall so she had a chance of being able to have orgasms afterwards.

I certainly did not want her to have GRS. I knew our sex life wasn
’
t ideal but when things did work it was wonderful. I knew I was being selfish because I knew Sheelagh was extremely unhappy not being able to orgasm, if she had the surgery she had a better chance of having an orgasm. It wasn
’
t that she hated her penis and wanted it gone, it was more like it
’
s not really working anymore so why should it be kept.

She also wasn
’
t comfortable with her bottom half not matching her top half, this was a big stumbling block for her with regards to obtaining medical care. I also believed it affected her confidence and how she saw herself in the world.

Sheelagh and I had a heart to heart talk about our sex life, or lack thereof. She no longer believed spending eight thousand dollars on having an orchiectomy was a good decision when she would probably end up having GRS anyways. She made it clear she needed the operation to complete her transition.

I knew this talk was coming, so I can’t say I was surprised. I had now approached my line in the sand. There was no escaping from it.

To me this surgery would be so final. The true end of any semblance of heterosexual sex. I didn
’
t want to have to deal with the intricacies of sex with a woman, I just wanted to keep the status quo. (Yes I know sex with a transsexual is not the status quo - but it was for me.) In the end I knew it really wasn
’
t my decision to make because it wasn
’
t my body. Sheelagh had her path to follow and that looked like it would include having GRS, and I guess I either accepted that as part of my life or I left and continued on without her.