Caught in Transition (4 page)

So now, some people would be wondering why the hell did you stay with Steve? Where was your self-respect? Where's what you want? It took a lot of introspection, visits with my therapist, talks with my sister, and spending time on my own. Was this relationship really one I wanted to continue in? Could I be happy? Even with all the changes and upheaval this caused, when it came right down to it - when I looked into Sheelagh's eyes - I was still looking into the eyes and soul of the person I married who I still loved more than anything.
 

We were married in 1999 and had a history and a love together I had never shared with anyone else. When it came right down to it, if Steve had developed cancer or some other debilitating disease - would I have left? The answer was always a no.
 

I am not a fool with my head in the sand. I now knew gender dysphoria was not a disease, it is something you are born with. Unfortunately the end product was still the same; a huge physical transformation of the one I loved. One very interesting thing I learned was that I also had to go through a transformation of my own.

SO? What?

One evening I was really at loose ends and feeling very alone and isolated. In the evenings Steve spent most of his time on the computer researching information, and spending time on transgendered sites corresponding with other people experiencing the same things. I mentioned to him that it was good that there were other people for him to be in contact with, but what about the partners or wives of the people who were transgendered. Why wasn
’
t there a support group for us. That
’
s when he told me that there was a chat room on one of the transgender websites for SO’s. I had to ask what the heck was an SO, and found out it meant Significant Other. I must admit I wasn
’
t thrilled going from wife to SO, it felt demeaning, but In thought I
’
d log in and give it a try.
 

It was one of the best things I ever did, I met other women whose husbands or partners were transgendered. In that chat room there was a lot of disbelief, anger, and resentment; especially from people who had just found out about the change that was going to affect them forever. The women who were the most helpful to me were the people who had been dealing with the transition longer and who had made peace with it and their partners. Some of them had ended up divorcing while a few others were still together .
 

It was here I could express my doubts and concerns and get good logical answers from people who had crossed the bridge before me. To this day I am still in contact with two of the women I met, and I doubt they will ever really truly understand how they saved my sanity when I thought I
’
d lost it forever.

Last Arizona with My Husband

In September I remember feeling very sad and depressed because this would be the last time I would be traveling with my husband. We were going on what had become our yearly trip to Sedona, Arizona.
 

The last time Steve and I would fit in within the heterosexual world in which we live. I was past being angry, I just felt sad for what I was losing.

The trip went well but it also contained a surprise - while we were there Steve went and saw a doctor in Phoenix who dealt with transsexuals. He had contacted the doctor before we left for the trip and made arrangements for this visit. I wasn't happy having to lose a day traveling to Phoenix for this, but it was important to Steve, so I couldn't stand in the way. Fortunately, I was able to spend a few hours at one of the shopping malls in north Phoenix while he saw the doctor.
 

Steve was thrilled because this doctor provided the first "legal" prescription for contra-hormone therapy. We went right to Walgreens and got everything filled. He was so happy, while part of me just felt dead inside. I felt so divided because I knew this was a path he had to take to keep his sanity but some days I felt like I was losing mine.
 

The rest of our time together in Sedona went surprisingly well. We went hiking around Bell Rock and through the Sonoran Desert. We had lovely dinners out, and many soul baring discussions sitting on the balcony in the dark, drinking wine and listening to the coyotes off in the distance. I think in talking together we became more understanding of each other’s positions with regards to the transition, this in turn led to an afternoon of wild passionate love making.

Even though the trip itself was great, when it was over and we were leaving through the Phoenix Airport, different thoughts kept going through my mind. I was thinking; this was the last time we'd eat there together, and it would be the last time we'd pass through security together, it was the last time we would be us. The tears were very close to the surface.

Name Change

Before leaving for Arizona Sheelagh initiated the name change on her birth certificate. In November 2011, she received her name change certificate and a new birth certificate. The gender marker was still marked as male because GRS had to be proven in order for the gender to be changed.
 

She had already had her driver's license gender marker switched to female. She was able to do that with a note from her doctor that said it was appropriate to have the gender marker changed, so therefore the government could change it on her license.
 

Wait times for specialists in Canada take a long time, and it was in November that Sheelagh finally got to see an endocrinologist who took over from where the Phoenix doctor left off. I was happy Sheelagh was in good hands but I vacillated between being happy for her and sad for me.
 

By the time December 2011 rolled around Sheelagh had updated her name on all accounts, the property deed, and the will. I have to hand it to her - it wasn't easy to go in there and change everything from Steve to Sheelagh. She was so motivated and so pleased with finally getting to live a real life as a woman, she sucked it up and spent many long hours writing emails, letters, filling out forms and waiting on hold for customer service agents.

I have absolutely no recall of Christmas that year. It was a quiet affair and one that has disappeared within the recesses of my mind. By the end of the year 2011 while I was still coming to grips with the reality of being married to a woman instead of a man, Sheelagh was busy setting up her future life as Sheelagh Tara May. The following is a taped interview we did with regards to her being seen as a woman within our society.
 

ME: When did your name change on your birth certificate come through?
 

SHEELAGH: The name change on the certificate came through in November 2011 and that made it possible to change the name on my driver's license. I changed that first since it's the primary source of identification. I went to Service Ontario and had to fill out a form for that and at the same time I decided to get the name on my social insurance number updated as well.

ME: Was it easy to do?
 

SHEELAGH: With the driver's license I had to stand in line for about twenty minutes while other people came and went. The staff had never had anyone come in to change their gender marker before. The counter person had to find the big book of rules and then had to run it by her boss. When they finally came down to discovering their special rule, they said “yes we can do that.” They took a new picture of me and two weeks later I received the new driver’s license with the female gender marker shown on it.
 

ME: That must have made you feel good.
 

SHEELAGH: Yes it did. I felt a bit triumphant and affirmed.
 

I had to go to a different counter for the social insurance number change. There they basically just took all the information, typed it in and gave me a new card.
 

ME: That was it?
 

SHEELAGH: That was it - they didn't ask me a single question. It was very easy, so on two government records I felt that I became a woman that day.
 

ME: What about your health card?
 

SHEELAGH: I took a form into Service Canada and they sent me a new card. The passport I changed in Whitby, and it went very smoothly. The credit cards were easy to change because no gender or picture were shown on the cards.
 

ME: When you were changing these cards did you ever think they were looking at you funny or judging you?
 

SHEELAGH: I was going to do it so it made no difference what faces they made or reactions they had. I did have butterflies in my stomach with everyone I talked to. The first bank I changed my accounts with was the Royal Bank and they were pretty good. I went to the one in Bowmanville and filled in many forms, I felt awkward but I was treated with respect. The TD bank was great to deal with as well. On the phone I had a little difficulty because some of the places I called to change my name insisted on calling me Sir, but when they typed in the new name and clicked the button, they began calling me Ma'am - because in their mind until that button was pushed they were still talking to a man because the computer told them they were.
 

ME: Were you feeling more anxiety having to deal with all the legalities, or more freedom because you were getting closer to being the real you?
 

SHEELAGH: It was definitely the freedom, because that happiness was carrying me forward and energizing me while I went through the huge list of everything that had to be changed, because there were probably about sixty places where my name had to be changed. I thought there were only ten or fifteen. I made a spreadsheet and wrote down all the places and it was a bit harrowing. It took most of November 2011 to get to the point where all the notifications had been given.
 

ME: How did you learn how to dress like a woman?
 

SHEELAGH: That was something I knew by my twenties so I probably picked that up in my early teens from magazines, catalogs and television. It was a matter of imitating and experimenting.
 

ME: So you learned how to do make up just by looking at pictures?
 

SHEELAGH: Yeah, that and experimenting with makeup.
 

ME: How did you learn how to behave as a woman in this society?
 

SHEELAGH: That's probably a matter of imitation as well. I spent a lot more time with women when I was small, and a lot of it was observing women without judgment and just absorbing it and running it through my mind. It was also a matter of recognizing that I had a womanliness within myself, so a big part of that behaviour thing wasn't so much layering something on, as much as letting the masculine part go. It was a process of dismantling the outer shell and behaving like a woman which quickly became natural.
 

ME: So once the male body armour was gone, what fears if any do you have now as a woman that you didn't have as a man?
 

SHEELAGH: I still feel pretty confident. In a way there's an exclusion where there's mostly males - like in the workplace - I'm never going to be one of the boys. I thought about it and I realized I never have been. Other males saw me as Steve, as one of them, but I was not seeing myself as one of them. I didn't relate to them. Their culture had always been foreign to me and my inclusion in it depended upon me acting a part, so I could be included as one of them. Now I don't have to put on a mask to be part of that group which I never actually felt I was a part of. I have more freedom now.

New Year’s Eve

New Year
’
s Eve 2012 was a quiet time for us. We usually liked to stay at home and have some wine and snacks and watch the ball drop in Times Square. It had become a tradition for us and to me it was nice to have that consistency. With a great deal of love and support from Sheelagh and support from my family and friends I was feeling pretty contented. I had resigned myself to the fact that the love I felt for Sheelagh superseded everything else that was happening. If Sheelagh needed to be, then I was going to be there and be supportive.
 

To be honest I really did consider leaving once or twice, but when I asked myself - do I really want to live a life without this person in it, my answer was again a no. Our minds and hearts were entwined and I wanted to make our marriage work. I knew none of this was happening
“
just to bother me
”
or
“
just because Sheelagh felt like it was a choice, and she wanted to live her life as a woman.
”
No, I knew that Sheelagh could no longer live a lie.

Over the last few years living as Steve, he no longer laughed and he drank more than usual. I guess it helped to dull the pain. I had come to realize the truth, it wasn
’
t a choice to be a transwoman, it was a necessity. Gender dysphoria does that to people and that was what Sheelagh had been diagnosed with. I couldn
’
t quite picture my life with Sheelagh but I knew I couldn
’
t picture it without her. So on that New Year
’
s Eve we toasted to new beginnings and new adventures together .