Challenging Depression & Despair: A Medication-Free, Self-Help Programme That Will Change Your Life (26 page)

6 Have a heart to your talk
. This contains all the important information and ideas – not just a list. Use evidence to substantiate your comments.
 

7 Make your conclusion
. Sum up your main point for easy memorising. Signal the end by saying ‘Finally’ or ‘Before I draw to a close’. Then finish with something punchy.
 

8 Get your timing right
. Less is more, and never overrun. Build using seven-minute blocks. You must control time – make sure you can see the clock.
 

9 Rehearse but not parrot-fashion
. Use key words and prompt cards. Never, ever just read a speech. Audiences will turn against you and regard you as dull and spineless.
 

10 Get personal
. Make eye contact with people in the audience. Give your preparation individual touches that could only come from you. Keep to your own personal style and include things that amuse you.
 

11 Finally – love your subject
. Enthusiasm is contagious and people admire speakers with motivation.

FLYING BY THE SEAT OF YOUR PANTS

Of course, you may not want to prepare a set talk like this at all! Having chosen your subject and the general points you wish to convey, you may prefer to make it up as you go along. If that’s the case, then you will need to practise – not practise
your talk,
but practise
flying by the seat of your pants
. So here’s what to do.

Photocopy the following list of ‘problems to be solved’ and then cut them into narrow strips, one problem per strip. Roll the strips up tightly so that you can’t read them beforehand, and put the little paper pellets in a lid or bag. Now in front of somebody
else
, pick out a ‘fortune cookie’ at random (you can let them have a turn, too, or they may refuse to cooperate). Finally, without
even giving it a moment’s thought
explain how to solve the problem you have just unwrapped. You can’t possibly ‘do this wrong’: chances are you won’t know how to solve any of these problems
at all
. So you’ll just have to make something up on the spot. Good luck – you won’t need it.

Fortune cookie problems

1
How to be a good Kenneth Williams impersonator

2
How to tell a small child where it came from

3
How to sell your new invention of floating soap to a sponsor

4
How to predict the weather

5
How to persuade a scientist to believe in horoscopes

6
How to avoid trouble with a visitor from another planet

7
How to handle a New Age Traveller parked in your garden

8
How to make a traffic warden tear up your ticket

9
How to feed the five thousand

10
How to have a good time with Robert Mugabe

11
How to cheer up somebody whose horse came in last

12
How to fish for compliments

13
How to avoid dust mites in your bed

14
How to look for a silver lining

15
How to hide a pimple on your nose for a TV interview

16
How to win sympathy from the Inland Revenue

17
How to manage on a desert island with only a lizard for company

18
How to dance the polka

19
How to dive off the 10-metre board

20
How to sell fish fingers to the French

21
How to sleep in a haunted house

22
How to sell Big Ben to a Texan billionaire

23
How to deal with somebody who keeps following you about

24
How to ride a motor bike with no hands

25
How to persuade the Tate Modern to exhibit your old fridge

26
How to teach ski jumping for beginners

27
How to shear a sheep

28
How to get a bee out of your bonnet

29
How to teach a dog to bark up the right tree

30
How to help a colour-blind driver at traffic lights

31
How to give Henry VIII the slip in Hampton Court Maze

32
How to travel light

33
How to make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear

34
How to race pigeons

35
How to find the lost city of Atlantis

36
How to see round corners

KEEPING A RECORD  

When you have completed your challenge, keep a record here of what happened so that when you do other challenges you can compare methods you used and find out which worked best for you.

MY PERFORMANCE CHALLENGE

Congratulations
! There was, incidentally, no way not to succeed at this. If you plucked up the courage to attempt it, then you have achieved something wonderful and worthwhile that will stand you in good stead for trying other things. The only failure is not to have tried.

WHAT PANEL MEMBERS THOUGHT

Katey

‘I knew you’d pick on me for this! OK, I didn’t do a gig or anything. It was only a karaoke evening at the pub where I’ve been before with my mates. But I did sing
two
songs – as I got an encore. The first one I made a couple of mistakes with the lyrics but then I got into my stride and I was like –
look at me, mum!
I haven’t done anything like this for ages. I had a strange feeling that I was meant to do it. Not because I’m amazingly talented or anything, but I just felt – this is
what I do,
so bring it on. That’s going to sound really big-headed. Can you take that bit out?’

Susanna

‘My God, I thought, I’ve never got up on a stage in my life. So my friend Anna, who is a teaching assistant, and her colleague and some of the kids agreed to be my audience and I did a piece I got from a book by Richard Louv, about a little child playing in bad weather. Except that it gradually got more elaborate in the planning, and in the end I illustrated it with photographs and props, including a costume, a mud pie and a piece of plastic guttering that I poured water down with a jug so I got completely soaked. But when I finished they gave me a huge round of applause. It brought tears to my eyes to think I’d done such a strange rewarding thing. I don’t know if I could perform in front of a
real
audience but you never know till you try.’

Adrian

‘I did an actual departmental seminar presentation. I do these with dread. But it went extremely well actually. I didn’t follow the set rules but I did prepare to some extent beforehand as I get terribly nervous. What surprised me was my ability to think “on the hoof”, as it were, as I don’t normally leave any breathing space for myself and do wall-to-wall preparation that is ultimately very restricting. I think it would have been far less interesting than the experience I had. I would recommend this for anyone who is depressed – not formal presentation necessarily, but some kind of performance. It makes you think outside the box and gives you a glow of inner satisfaction that you had the guts to get up there and do it.’

George

‘Following on from the Restart course my partner and I asked if we could go round to the local care home just before Christmas and we gave a little show, based on Dame Edna and a couple of other bits and pieces. It was absolutely bloody
fantastic
. They made such a fuss of us that we agreed to do it next year as well. I think they got us drunk actually but I took a lot of photos and it was one of those things that you look back on and get a catch in your throat.’

20

Eight: the creative challenge

Having gone through the earlier challenges, you will have learned something about human psychology that no book can teach you.
The word ‘peril’, and the words ‘experience’, ‘experiment’ and ‘expert’, all derive from the Latin
experiri
, meaning ‘to try thoroughly’ or ‘put to the test’. Negative emotions including fear and tension are part of the rich cerebral process that makes possible our creativity, our peak experiences and our joy. We don’t achieve
expertise
in anything unless we are prepared to be put to the test. We don’t achieve understanding or mastery of our feelings unless we are willing to
experiment
. We don’t
experience
anything either, apart from useless anxiety and despair that haunt our lives.

The Creative Challenge is one of the best and most rewarding challenges of all. It is one that can haul someone out of the well of despair like a cat being winched up in a bucket. If you imagine that you are not creative, you are wrong and we can prove it.