Chance of the Heart (12 page)

Chance held Rocket steady. They both were focused, staring down at the barrels. “Okay, Rocket. We’ve done this a thousand times. Keep it steady, burst hard.” He patted Rocket’s side, the horse was ready and tense with excitement. His own heart thudded in his chest.

He may just be in the practice paddock, but he could hear it in his head, the sound of the announcer over the speakers. “Up next, rider number fifteen. Two time boys’ southern division champion Chance Becket and Becket’s Hey Rocket.” The smell of manure was as strong as any place they’d been. All they were missing were loud speakers and spectators but the way they both readied themselves, Chance could see them in his head and knew Rocket could hear their cheering too. They’d both always enjoyed the thrill.

“Yah!” he said, and they were off. The wind whipped around him. He let himself fall in tune with rocket, judge the speed, ready the first turn. And he leaned. Right barrel first. Zoom, they were around it, then on the left barrel. Around in the opposite direction. Zoom. And up to the third barrel in the opposite direction around the top of the triangle. Zoom. They were headed home.

As he galloped Rocket to a stop they both breathed heavily and his face was aching from grinning. He dismounted and David came over whooping. “That’s your second best time since you retired, buddy. You two should definitely not be retired.”

Chance started leading Rocket around, allowing him to cool off and for Chance’s own heart to slow. God, he did miss this. It had been fun once. A fun hobby on the weekends. All he had to focus on was him and the horse.

Ever since he and Bradley had talked about it, he’d been itching to get back out. And with the party tonight, he needed all the distraction he could get. He’d cooked until they’d done everything but the barbecuing, which Caitlin’s dad would insist on handling. So he’d recruited David to help him while they waited.

“Nah. This is just for fun, right boy?” he asked, patting Rocket’s side.

“You two are still in damn good shape, buddy.”

“Yeah, we still got it,” he said. David hung the stopwatch he’d been using around his neck and ran off to the cooler on the side of the paddock. Chance unhooked Rocket from his lead rope and followed, jumping up to sit on one of the side rails.

“You ready for your girl to be back? Jeri says you guys haven’t talked much.”

“Jeri says a lot.”

“Hey, hey. Curious minds, man. She’s your girl’s best friend. You know that shit ain’t gonna stay private, unfortunately.”

Chance took the cheap beer David offered him. He hated the swill, but it was a beer. He’d admit he probably needed the fortification tonight. He wasn’t honestly sure what he felt. David wasn’t wrong. He and Caitlin had talked maybe four times in the last six weeks. Mostly because they were busy, but also partly because they always seemed to dance around trying not to ask if the other was getting their brains fucked out by someone else.

“The whole point of a break is to be on a break, Dave-O,” Chance hedged.

David made a
pffft
sound. “For the sensitive one in this friendship, you sure don’t know nothing about women-folk. Don’t you know she probably hoped you’d show up on your horse, hat to your chest and flowers in hand telling her you could never take a break, you love her entirely too much?”

Chance blanched.
Holy shit
. Dave probably had a point. It hadn’t even occurred to him. “You were the one who was all ‘go out and get laid, Becket. You’re the last single one, Becket.’”

David sighed dramatically. “And now you start listening to me?”

Chance frowned. “Yeah.” He
had
taken that advice, when he rarely ever listened to the bonehead.

“Hey, man, don’t get down. If you ask my wife, I’m usually onehundred percent wrong, so she probably didn’t want that. She had her pick of some of them city-slicker fraternity boys. And she
was
pretty straight up.”

He smiled at his friend’s exaggerated accent when he’d said
city-slicker.
“She usually is.”

“Don’t worry. So you did. So what? That’s why you took a break. No questions and all that, right?”

“Right. But—”

“Chance, come in Chance,” came his brother’s voice from the walkie-talkie that rested on top of the cooler. David leaned down to retrieve it then handed it to Chance.

“Yo,” he said.

“Where y’all at?”

“South pasture at the practice paddock.”

“Which one’s the new practice paddock?”

“By the old breeding paddock.”

“Ten-four, good buddy.”

Chance and David both cracked up at his brother being so lame. “God, I think he takes himself seriously enough that he wasn’t joking by saying that,” David said, still laughing.

“Sadly, I think you might be right. Good buddy.” They both guffawed.

Chance hopped off the fence. “That’s probably our cue to pack it in. People get here in a couple hours and I should shower and get Rocket tucked in for the night.”

“Uh, y’know I think I’ll get him settled in for ya,” David said with a goofy grin. “Your shower buddy has arrived.”

For a split second, Chance thought he’d meant Bradley, but seeing as no one knew
that
little detail, he realized the moment of truth had arrived. He turned to see Caitlin approaching on one of their ATVs. He’d figured she’d come before the party. He just hadn’t quite prepared himself for seeing her. This is when real life resumed and the last three months were just another “remember that time.” And rather than get butterflies or feel relieved when he saw her, his chest ached and his stomach hurt. Neither in the way he’d felt when he saw Bradley, but in the way they always felt when he saw her. He’d always thought this feeling had been the caring he felt toward her. But this… it was pressure. The pressure to be a good son, a future rancher and family man.

She pulled up to the paddock, waving as David passed her by, leading Rocket. When he was well on his way she bound toward Chance who caught her in his arms and hugged her tight.

He’d forgotten how soft she was. The smell of her curly raven hair was sweet. When her lips pressed to his the taste of strawberries burst in his mouth, and he immediately thought of that sunny day by the river with Bradley and their lunch with strawberries and blueberries. He remembered pouring his heart out to Bradley, words he’d never spoken to
anyone
. He said them for the first time to a person he held stronger feelings for than anyone.

And the most distressing part, as her tongue went in for the kill, he instantly felt guilty. He’d never once felt guilty for anything other than not feeling guilty when he kissed Bradley, made love to Bradley. He couldn’t remember a time kissing or being intimate with this girl that he didn’t feel just like he did now. Wrong. Dirty. It didn’t fit.

He set her down, blinking at her. She tilted her head in confusion. “Oh my God, I’m gay.”

She blinked back at him.

Shit. Had he said that out loud?

“What?” She blinked more. They must have looked ridiculous standing their blinking at each other like startled owls.

He rubbed the back of his neck with one hand as he knelt to pick up the hat she’d accidentally knocked off his head. If anybody deserved the truth it was Caitlin. They’d been friends too long, and he was hurting her. He just hoped she didn’t…

“Oh shit! Please don’t tell anyone!”

She slapped him hard across the face and stood, glaring up at him. Five-foot-four, exactly eight inches shorter than him, and a good fifty pounds lighter, but that slap had nearly put him on his ass.

“How the fuck could you think… Oh my God!” She stomped off to the ATV, shuddering. He didn’t know if he should approach her or not. After a beat, he saw her shoulders go up slowly, then down. He really hoped she wasn’t crying.

But when she faced him again, her face was dry, make-up still intact, pretty as ever. But looking mighty pissed. “I’m sorry?” He wasn’t sure why he’d made it a question.

She came back to him and hugged him, which he’d flinched away from at first, assuming another slap was coming. When she stepped back, her eyes were brimming, but not shedding the tears. She looked so very sad.

“Oh, God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for this…”

“Of course you didn’t,” she said, waving him off. “I’m just glad you finally fucking got it.”

“Wait.” He was confused.

“Yes, I kind of had figured out that even if you weren’t gay, you didn’t want
me
anymore.”

“Why would you think I was gay first?”

“Well, bi was an option. But I knew you hadn’t had a chance to do anything.” She sounded clinical in her assessment of him and that made him slightly uncomfortable. “Oh, don’t look like that. I’m kind of relieved that you’re gay because I was getting seriously insecure. Then I was with this guy…”

“Hey! You said no questions...”

“If you finally found your way out of the closet it wasn’t because you found some porn over the last few months, I’d assume.” Her level gaze made him blush.

“I may have met someone.”

Her eyes widened. “Met someone?” Her voice was shaky.

“That’s the part that bothers you? Not that I’m gay, but that I met a guy rather than just fucked a guy?” He couldn’t believe he’d said the words out loud for the first time to someone other than Bradley. But shit.

“It’s just… real,” she said, walking over to the ATV and sagging against the side. “I guess I wasn’t ready for the realness of it.”

“I honestly never wanted to hurt you. I kind of knew something was off, but I didn’t realize it was…” He waved his hand up and down at himself.

“Oh, I do adore you. I guess part of me hoped. But… meeting people, talking to people not from here, about you and us. Things started to feel even more off than they always had.”

He didn’t know how he felt about her having talked about him to strangers but he didn’t interrupt as she continued. “Chance, if we’ve been together eight years and I can
count
the numbers of time we’ve actually had intercourse... hell I can count the last time we did it with the word ‘year’ behind it. Something is wrong somewhere.” She must’ve noticed his surprise because she said, “Yes. Year. Eighteen months. And you were drunk that time and didn’t...” She made an obscene gesture with her hand, symbolizing spurting. Chance was mortified.

“Okay, okay. Shit.” He felt like a dick already. The last thing he wanted to hear was how bad he sucked in bed.

“I always thought you found sex kind of dirty because we were doing it outside marriage. I knew you were a traditional kind of guy. But you weren’t that into church. It was just weird. It’s like…”