Chance of the Heart (13 page)

“It was just dirty. I felt like I was doing something wrong. Period. Like I was dirtying you and myself.” It had been almost overwhelming. He was definitely the first guy he knew of who’d cried after his first time, though he’d never hurt her by telling her that.

“It’s not like we had gay people around as kids for you to really have an idea
why
you might feel so… wrong. I don’t want to talk about you being with someone else. I’m not there yet, but I’m guessing it didn’t feel wrong with them?”

He simply shook his head and she let out a sad sound. She hugged him again. “I’m sorry, too. That you went through that. Expectations blow. And I got to get away for four years and learn so much about myself. You’ve been here, staying stagnant.”

“Are you disappointed?” He knew that was a stupid question, but he felt horrible. She looked so sad.

“One day, we’ll be able to talk about this and laugh. Like I said, I’m not there. Just like you, I knew you were who I’d marry. I’d teach at Hope Springs and you’d work the ranch. Maybe we’d have kids, maybe we wouldn’t. Now it’s all so… muddied.” She shook her head. “But I’m so happy we found this out now. Ten years from now would have been horrible.”

“You’re tellin’ me.” He shuddered to think. “I wouldn’t have cheated.”

“I know.” She definitely seemed certain of him. “You’re a good man. You would never have done that to me. But it wouldn’t have been fair to you. Or to me. We deserve to be with people who have
passion
for us. I guess I’m still just really sad it’s not you.”

“You’re taking this awfully well,” he said.

She smiled shakily. “Not really. Honestly, I want to be mature about it. I’m not
angry
. I’m just disappointed. But it’s the twenty-first century. I have plenty of gay friends from school and they’ve kind of helped me... prepare for this. And I know it must have been hard to tell me. I don’t want to be unsupportive, because I know it’ll suck telling your parents, but I can’t hold your hand through that.”

“No, I know!” He hugged her fiercely. It was strange how different she felt in his arms after that, how the pressure was gone, how the world was on a different axis. The colors were different and so was he but no one other than Chance knew it. “I wish I could be what you need. I do care about you. We’ve been friends forever. And I’m scared shitless, so I appreciate you only slapping me.”

She leaned back and sniffled. “I did that because you thought I’d tell, not because you’re gay, you asshole.”

“Oh,” he said. He did feel bad for that. He should have known better. But like she’d said, it’s not like they’d had anyone openly gay in their lives that he could have seen her with to know
how
she’d react. Their parents sure didn’t talk about it. He’d heard the hellfire thing in church a few times but he’d been so convinced that didn’t apply to him since he was with Caitlin.

“So, what do we do?” he asked. She hummed, looking slightly uncomfortable.

“I’m assuming you’re not coming out right yet?”

He snorted. “Uh, yeah… It’s gonna be a while. This is the first time I’ve even
said
the words ‘I’m gay’.” He still felt weird hearing them fall out of his mouth.

The sympathy in her gaze made him feel like such a dick. But she was right. It wasn’t something he’d been consciously aware of, nor had he been using her to cover it up. But he felt like a jerk for hurting her either way.

“I’m sorry… You know… for making you feel less than…” he said.

She pinched the bridge of her nose with her thumb and forefinger. “Let’s just not talk about it now. We have a party with like two-hundred guests to get through and it won’t do for us to keep going in circles over something we can’t change.”

He nodded. He couldn’t blame her. He didn’t even know what to think of this revelation he’d made. God, he did
not
feel like dealing with the party tonight.

“Can I ask something terribly selfish?” she asked.

“Anything.” And he meant it. He felt he owed her.

“I wasn’t sure about teaching here. Salaries are better in other counties, so I’d sent out my resume just in case things went down between us like this. So while I’m trying to figure out my next move, can we keep it on the DL?”

“Um, well I already said I wasn’t coming out?” He was confused.

“No. I mean, just let them think everything’s okay. And before you ask, I won’t even tell Jeri. I know she’d tell David faster than she could hang up the phone. We don’t have to make a big deal of it and be seen around or anything we just won’t tell people we split up.”

“Okay. I guess that’s cool.”

She looked pained. “I know it’s a lot to ask. Especially if you’ve found someone you’re interested in. But this works for both of us because there’d be so many questions and they’d nag us about getting back together. This way we can focus on getting our shit together
before
we announce it.”

She had a good point. It’d definitely keep some heat off him while he figured out how to handle this new Big Gay Revelation.

“Okay. It’s a deal,” he said. They shook on it, which made them laugh. It was nice to have that moment of levity.

“Um, please don’t tell me about the boyfriend yet, okay.” Discomfiture was etched of every inch of her face as she said the words.

“No worries. Not that there is one. Just… a friend.”

She held a hand up. He gave her a high five to lighten the mood, but she didn’t seem impressed.

“You’re gonna have to wipe the frown off your face if you don’t want them to know there’s trouble in paradise,” he said, batting his lashes.

She glared at him then put on an exaggerated fake smile. “Of course snookums. We have a party to survive.”

Ugh. He did
not
feel like dealing with all those people
and
both of their families. He was so emotionally drained. But this was her graduation party. You only graduate college once. Maybe she was right. One day this would be a funny story. He didn’t see how, but maybe.

As they got on the ATV and started toward the house, he did notice one thing. Things felt uncertain but he didn’t feel like he was gonna explode from it. In fact, just clearing this part up, dropping some of the baggage, he felt freer. And he knew she would too. He hoped.

Bradley’s gut was roiling. He did not want to be at this party. He’d sat in his Jeep twenty minutes after arriving, pretending to be busy on his phone before his sister had come to drag him out. “They’ll only wonder if you don’t go inside. I brought food and you two have been hanging out so it’ll only cause questions.”

He knew she was right but that didn’t make him any more eager to go in. Not to mention while he’d changed his shirt for the thirtieth time, Carson had tried to call him twice. He had no idea what his ex could want after all these months but the last thing he needed was to fight with that asshole tonight of all nights.

So he’d followed his sister behind the house where there had to be at least a hundred or more people. The night was cool enough for a May night, but not quite cool enough for the large bonfire they’d lit. But that was typical of parties on the Red River, from what he remembered. The Beckets always threw parties, and this one looked like a big enough shindig.

He was grateful that his sister made a beeline for the liquor tent. Two large canopies with mosquito nets housed three long folding tables covered in hard liquor and coolers with ice and beers.

“There is a God,” he mumbled to Heather who snickers and elbowed him playfully.

“Don’t let any of Daddy’s flock hear you say that. If it gets around to him, he’ll use you for a televised exorcism.”

At his look of shock she rolled her eyes. “Oh, lord, Bradley, he hasn’t gone absolutely insane. Yet.”

“You never know with him.”

She looked unsure for a minute then shook her head as if convincing herself the Reverend would never go that far.

“Where is the Good Reverend, anyway?”

“Not coming,” she said as she finally selected a bottle of vodka and poured some in a plastic cup. Such was the way of the bonfire party. Eighty dollar vodka in a red Solo cup. He followed her example, taking the tonic water she’d also topped her drink off with. “He had a commencement ceremony in Arizona tonight.”

“Like I said, there is a God.” He took a chug of his drink.

“Well, Bradley Heart, as I live and breathe.” Bradley turned to see Quinn Jones. Well, Quinn Becket now, since she’d married the elder Becket son, who was standing behind her, looking at him a little too closely for comfort.

“Hi, Quinn,” he said as she came in for a hug. While she hugged his sister, Keith held out his hand to shake.

“Been a while, Heart.”

“Yeah. I haven’t seen you two since high school graduation.” And he hadn’t liked them much then, either. Quinn had been nice enough, if a little fake. But Keith had always seemed like he had a burr up his butt, eying Bradley like he was now. It was neither menacing nor friendly. But it was definitely uncomfortable.

“You just dropped off the face of the earth for a while, there.” Quinn was fishing and Keith was listening hard for his response.

“You know college life. Busy, busy,” he said, lamely.

“He’s just being modest. He interned with, then went to work for, a big time company in their financial department for a few years. He’s just here helping out until we could find the church and Daddy’s ministry a new business manager and such.” He shot his sister the same look he always did when she embellished the truth.
You lie real nice for a preacher’s kid.
Her answering smirk said
damn straight.
It was often true what they said about preachers’ kids. And they’d perfected the art of covering their asses long ago.

“Really? Big plans for after?” Again Keith seemed too interested in his answer. Did he have suspicions about Bradley’s friendship with Chance? Chance had told him about the dig Keith had made about his sexuality.

“Probably headed to Dallas. There are some bigger firms I’ve seen looking for fresh meat.”

Keith looked pleased by the response, Quinn giving a fake “Oh, no.” But his sister. She looked downright floored. Oh, had he forgotten to mention that? He shrugged and got a scowl in response. Yes, they’d be talking about this later, he was sure.

“So the prodigal daughter has returned?” his sister asked.

“Oh, yes. She’s graduated and all. Lookin’ good too. She’s got fancy new clothes and such.” Quinn was gushing and Bradley did
not
see the appeal of the dumb country girl routine. She was as country as the Statue of Liberty, having moved to Hope Springs from San Diego when they were fourteen. It had taken her less than a year to tease her fake blond hair and hit the tanning bed when she realized that’s what the ranchers’ sons were after. And she’d nabbed herself one of the wealthier ones, for sure.

When cheers erupted, their attention was directed to the back door of the sprawling main house. Bradley’s heart jumped in his throat, his sister placing a hand on his lower back to steady him. He’d never admitted to anything going on between himself and Chance, but his sister knew them well enough she’d obviously known the score since that first day. His breath shook as the very gorgeous, and definitely grown up Caitlin Forrester—soon to be Becket, he had no doubt—descended the steps from the back deck, arm in arm with Chance who was dressed in his Sunday best.

Bradley’s knees almost gave out from both grief and love as the object of his wildest dreams disappeared into the crowd. He looked so good and together they were a handsome couple. She with a modern pixie cut, wearing a form fitting hunter green cocktail dress that was perfect with her flawless complexion. He wore a matching hunter-green silk button down, crisp black jeans, a pair of his best boots, and a black bolo tie with silver accents. His olive skin tone was accented perfectly, tan and healthy. His smile was perfect and he looked… content.

Ouch.

“Everybody gather round. Gather round now.” Chance’s mom was directing this show, no doubt. That’s when Bradley got a glimpse of Chance’s dad for the first time in years. The man was old and weathered, much more so than his wife. When the old man stood, she had to assist him a little, but other than a slight lean to his posture, he didn’t look to be in horrible health. He didn’t look well, though. Not like the imposing man Bradley remembered from his youth.

“Hello everyone. I’ll make this short and sweet because I know our Caitlin’s folks will want to take a moment. And we all know how long-winded her daddy Johnny can be.” He smiled to show he’d said the latter in jest. Caitlin’s dad raised a beer in salute, laughing with the rest of the crowd. Bradley’s sister shuffled them closer.

“We’re so grateful to have our not-so-little Caitlin back from college. A graduate, no less. She makes our son happy and that’s such a beautiful thing to see. Young love.” Bradley wanted to leave more than anything. His insides were on fire with humiliation and jealousy. Why had he come? Fuck the questions. They’d have been Chance’s problem. He knew that wasn’t nice, knew the score. But that didn’t make this hurt any less.

“So,” Chance’s father continued. “We would like to give a gift to celebrate her return and help them get started out on the right path.” He was a little unsteady as he took a tube of papers from his wife. Bradley felt the blood leave his face as it dawned on him what that must be. He saw the moment Chance and his girl figured it out, too. They both seemed to flinch, but recovered well enough.

“Since I’m too mean to die, I figured y’all might want some place other than that old bachelor pad for those future grandkids of mine. Wink wink.” More laughter. “So we’ve broken ground on the far east pasture to build a fancy house. We figure it’d make a right nice place for newlyweds to start.”

“Hint hint,” a guy in the crowd hollered. Bradley recognized him as Chance’s best friend David. Everyone laughed a little more, but he noticed how stunned the happy couple was as they glanced at one another. Well, seemed the whole town was gonna make sure they knew their place.

“We love you kid,” Chance’s mother said with finality. “We wish the best for you. And here’s a toast to a bright future.” She raised her beer bottle and everyone followed suit.

“I would kill my parents,” Heather whispered. “They could at least wait for him to put the rock on her finger.” Bradley watched another moment as the couple smiled brightly, got hugs from everyone and their mother. He’d been so out of it, he hadn’t even realized the couple had been shuffled their way by the crowd until Heather let out an audible, “Oh, shit.” Her hand returned to the small of his back and under her breath said, “Fake it, sweetie. Like you’re on the receiving line after one of Daddy’s sermons.”

That’s about the instant Chance saw Bradley and a miserable moment of despair passed over Chance’s face. When they shook hands, Chance seemed to be trying to convey some message to him, but Bradley was almost certain as he pulled out his best fake smile that he really didn’t give a fuck.

“Oh my gosh! Bradley! I had no idea you were back in town.” Caitlin threw herself bodily into the hug. He’d forgotten what a friendly little thing she’d always been. He wanted to toss her to the ground but he didn’t have it in him to blame her for falling for a man he knew would never be his.

“Congratulations,” he said, still trying for cordial.

Something passed through her eyes he didn’t quite catch but, again, he didn’t care because her blinding smile made him want to yell. “Thank you. I’m so glad for all the schooling to be over.” She hooked her arm through Chance’s again. He wasn’t looking at Bradley, but nodding to his sister who was also giving a very fake, almost passive aggressive smile that he knew Chance hadn’t missed.

“Now it’s time for real life,” Heather said, almost accusatory. Again the tiny twitch gave away that Chance knew what she really meant.

“It’s daunting. But I’ve got this big lug here.” She looked at Chance. “It’ll definitely be a whole new adventure.” Something passed between them. She looked back at Bradley, gaze snapping. Bradley saw her fingers dig into Chance’s arms.
Oh shit.

“Don’t let us hold you up,” Heather said, obviously having caught the same thing Bradley had judging the
uh oh
expression she tossed his way.

He was clearly fucked if she’d found out. But that they were so obviously still together meant the boom wasn’t going to fall on Chance. It must have been what he was trying to communicate earlier, that he’d been found out and probably Bradley would be the one screwed here.

When they walked off his sister faced him. “What was
that
about?”

“Do you think…”

“Oh, yeah,” she said, ominously. He felt his good face slipping. When Heather glanced back at him she grimaced. “Oh, sweetie, I think we best get you the hell out of dodge because anyone who sees you now is going to know exactly what’s happening in that pretty little head of yours.”

“I think that’s a good idea,” he choked out.

She’d insisted they go say goodbye to the hosts, since they’d invited him personally. He was able to pull out a passable farewell. Chance’s mother was too busy to notice other than to say he definitely looked as unwell as he claimed to be, telling him to go get some sleep and don’t forget one of the grab bags on the way out. The
Caitlin <3 Chance
grab bags.

He didn’t take one.