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She didn't say a word in answer. She only walked toward him and took his clothes off one by one, and they fell onto her bed with an abandon that came from having taken one more step closer to each other.

CHAPTER 20

“But how come you're not coming home?” Pam's voice approached a whine when Peter called her before lunch. “You don't have any patients in New York.” She sounded both angry and hurt and her voice was filled with accusation.

“I got delayed at the conference here, Pam. I'll be home tomorrow night.”

“But I'm leaving for camp tomorrow morning.”

“I know. But Mrs. Hahn can take you to the bus. It's not like it's the first time you've gone.” It was odd how one had to defend oneself to one's children, Mel thought as she listened. “This is your fourth year. You should be an old pro by now, Pam. And you'll be home in three weeks.”

“Yeah.” She sounded distant and gloomy and guilt pulled at his heartstrings, more so now that the decision was made and he had made love to Mel for the past two hours. Now it seemed less urgent that he stay, and Pam was bringing his responsibilities at home back into focus again. “Okay.” She was shutting him out and he felt bad about it.

“Sweetheart, it couldn't be helped.” But it could have, which made him feel worse. Had he been wrong to stay? But dammit, didn't he have a right to his own life, and some time with Mel?

“It's okay, Daddy.” But he could already hear how despondent and depressed she sounded, and he knew from experience how unwise it was to upset her.

“Look, I' come up to see you next weekend.” The camp was near Santa Barbara, and he could drive up easily from L.A., and then he remembered that he would be on call all weekend. “Damn, I can't. The next weekend then.”

“Never mind. Have a nice time.” She seemed suddenly anxious to get off, and in New York, Mel watched Peter's face, easily reading the emotions there. When he hung up, she came and sat beside him.

“You can still catch a plane this afternoon, you know.” But he shook his head with a dogged air. “I don't think I should, Mel. What I said before is true. We have a right to some time together.”

“But she needs you too, and you feel torn.” It didn't take a psychic to see how he felt, and he nodded.

“Somehow she always makes me feel guilty. She's been doing it ever since Anne died. It's almost as if she holds me responsible for her death, and for the rest of time I'll have to atone for my sins and I'll never quite make it.”

“That's a heavy burden to bear. If you're willing to accept it.”

“What choice do I have?” He looked unhappy. “She's had every emotional problem in the books since her mother died, from anorexia to skin problems and nightmares.”

“But traumas happen to everyone sooner or later. She's going to have to accept what happened, Peter. She can't make you pay for it forever.” But it looked like she was going to try. At least that was how it looked to Mel, but she didn't say anything further to Peter. He was determined to stay, and to let her make the adjustment. And a little while later Mel called the twins and Raquel at the house in Chilmark.

The twins were both obviously disappointed that she wasn't coming home, Jessica more than Val, but they both said they'd see her the following night, and then turned the phone over to Raquel, who waited until they left the room before she made comment.

“Boy, he must be somethin' else!”

“Who?” Mel's face looked blank as Peter watched.

“The new boyfriend in New York.”

“What boyfriend?” But now she was blushing. “Raquel, you're oversexed. How are the girls?”

“They're okay. Val has a new boyfriend she met on the beach yesterday, and I think there's someone who's interested in Jessica, but she doesn't look too excited.”

Mel smiled. “Sounds like everything there is normal. How's the weather?”

“Gorgeous. I look like a Jamaican.” The two women laughed and Mel closed her eyes, thinking of the Vineyard. She wished that she and Peter were there, and not stuck in New York on a Saturday in July. She knew that, even mountain lover that he was, he would love it.

“See you tomorrow, Raquel. And I'll be in and out of the house here if you need me.”

“We won't.”

“Thanks.” It was always so comforting to know that the girls were in good hands, and as she hung up she smiled to herself, trying to imagine that exchange with Peter's housekeeper, Mrs. Hahn. It was beyond even Mel's imagination, and she laughed as she told him.

“You like your housekeeper a lot, don't you?” he asked.

Mel nodded. “I'm damn grateful to her for all she's done. She's an ornery old bitch at times, but she loves those kids, and she even loves me.”

“That's not hard to do.” He kissed Mel full on the mouth and sat back to look at her. She handled her children differently than he did, spoke to her help in a way he never would, and her life seemed to run remarkably smoothly. For a minute, he asked himself if he would only disrupt it, and she saw the look in his eyes as she got up and stretched. They had had a wonderful morning, and it was like an extra gift, since they hadn't expected to be together, which made them appreciate the time even more.

“What were you thinking then, Peter?” She was always curious about his thoughts, and always intrigued by what he told her.

“I was thinking how well organized your life is, and how long it's all been running on the same track. I was wondering if I'm more of a disruption than an asset.”

“What do you think?” She sprawled on the chaise longue in her room, naked, and he found himself longing for her again. It was amazing how constantly his body hungered for her.

“I think I can't think straight when I see you without your clothes on.”

“Neither can I.” She grinned and beckoned to him with one finger, as he approached and lay down on the chaise beside her, and a moment later he rolled slowly over her, pulling her long thin figure on top of his body.

“I' m crazy about you, Mel.”

She could hardly breathe she wanted him again so badly. “M e too …” And then they made love again, and forgot their troubles and guilts and responsibilities, and even their children.

It was one thirty before they had showered and gotten dressed and Melanie looked like a contented cat as they strolled out of the house into the hot sunshine. “We sure are lazy.”

“Why not? We both work so damned hard, I can't remember ever having a weekend like this.” He smiled down at her and she laughed.

“Neither can I. Or I'd be too tired to work.”

“Good. Maybe I need to keep you too tired to work, so you don't think of that fancy job of yours all the time.”

She was surprised at his comment. “D o I do that?” She wasn't aware of thinking of work all the time, and wondered what he meant by it.

“Not really. But there's a certain awareness that you have another life, not just your kids and your house, and a husband.”

“Ah.” Understanding was beginning to dawn. “You mean I'm not just a housewife. Do you mind that?”

“No.” He shook his head slowly, thinking about it, as they wandered down Lexington Avenue with no particular destination in mind. It was just a hot, sunny day, and they were happy to be together.” I don't mind. And I'm very impressed by what you do, and I respect who you are. But it's different than if you were just…"H e looked for the words and smiled down at her. “An ordinary mortal.”

“Bullshit. What's different about it?”

“You couldn't just leave for Europe with me for six months, could you?”

“No, my contract wouldn't exactly melt into thin air, not without a hefty lawsuit. But you couldn't do that either.”

“That's different. I'm a man.”

“Oh, Peter!” She hooted. “You are a rotten chauvinist.” “Yes”—he looked down at her proudly—“I am. But I still respect your job. So long as you stay as feminine as you are and can manage all the womanly stuff too.”

“What does that mean?” She was suddenly vastly amused by him. From anyone else it might have annoyed her, but it didn't from him. “You mean like wax floors and bake cheesecake?”

“No, be a good mother, have babies, care about the man in your life, without putting your work first. I was always happy that Anne didn't work because it meant she was there for me. It would bother me if the woman I loved weren't.”

“No one's there all the time, Peter. No woman and no man. But if you care enough about someone you can juggle things most of the time, so you're there when they really need you. It's a question of good organization, and a sense of priorities. I've been there for the girls most of the time, in fact almost always.”

“I know you have.” He had sensed that about her from the first. “But you haven't wanted to be there for a man.”

“No, I haven't.” She was honest with him.

“And now?” He looked worried as he asked the question, like a little boy who was afraid he wouldn't find his mommy.

“What are you asking me, Peter?” There was a sudden silence between them. There was a potential which they both sensed, which still frightened them both, but Peter was bravest about pointing to it, and now he suddenly wanted to know where Mel stood, but he didn't want
to
scare her off. Maybe it was too soon to be asking these questions. She sensed his concern and leaned toward him. “Don't worry so much.”

“I just wonder what all this means to you sometimes.”

“The same thing it means to you. Something beautiful and wonderful that's never happened to me before. And if you want to know where it's going, I can't tell you.”

He nodded. “I know. And that bothers me too. It's like in surgery, I don't like to wing it, I like to know where I'm going, what's the next step.” He smiled at her. “I'm a planner, Mel.”

“So am I. But you can't plan these things.” And as she smiled at him, the mood lightened between them.

“Why not?” He was teasing now and she grinned. “What do you want, a contract from me?”

“Sure. A contract for that gorgeous body of yours anytime I want it.”

They held hands and swung their arms, and Mel looked at him happily. “I'm so glad you stayed for the weekend.”

“So am I.”

They went to Central Park then, and wandered around until five and then walked up Fifth Avenue to the Stanhope Hotel and had a drink at the outdoor café. And then they walked the few blocks back to her house again, ready to sequester themselves again in her comfortable little house. They lay on the bed and made love, and sat watching the sunset at eight o'clock, and then they showered and went to Elaine's for dinner. The place was mobbed and Mel knew half the people there, even though most of the people she knew left town for the weekend in summer. One instantly sensed how much a part of her life this was; the celebrities whom she knew and who knew her, the recognition, and the whole electricity of New York seemed to suit her. There was a milieu like that in L.A. too but it had never been a part of his life. He was too busy with his own doings, his family, and his patients.

“So, Doctor, what do you think of New York?” They were walking arm in arm down Second Avenue, back toward her house.

“I think you love it, and it loves you.”

“I think you're right.” She smiled happily. “But I happen to love you too.”

“Even though I'm not a talk show host, or a politician or a writer?”

“You're better than all that, Peter. You're real.”

He smiled at the compliment. “Thank you. But so are they.”

“It's not the same thing with them. They only touch half my life, Peter. There's another part they never come near. I've never really found anyone who understood both halves of my life before. My family life and my professional life are both important to me, and they're so diametrically different.”

“You seem to manage both.”

She smiled, and nodded. “It's not always easy though.”

“What is?” He was suddenly thinking of his daughter's reaction to his staying in New York, and he suspected that she'd make him pay for it when she saw him again. She always did.

But Mel looked at him then with a smile and they turned west on Eighty-first Street, and went back to her house to lie in bed and talk until two in the morning.

The next morning, they had brunch at the Tavern-on-the-Green, and then they went down to Greenwich Village for a street fair. There wasn't a great deal to do in New York in the summertime, but neither of them seemed to care. They just wanted to be together, and they walked for hours, talking of their pasts, their lives, their work, their children, themselves. It was as though each couldn't get enough of the other, and at five o'clock they regretfully went back to Mel's house, and made love for a last time. At seven o'clock they took a cab to the airport. And suddenly the time moved all too quickly. It seemed only moments later when they had to say good-bye and they clung to each other at the gate for their final moments.

“I'm going to miss you so much.” He looked down at her, infinitely glad he had come to New York. He sensed that it had changed the course of his whole life and he wasn't even afraid anymore. He put a finger under her chin and tipped her face up to his. “You promise, you're coming to Aspen?”

She smiled and fought back the tears she felt welling up in her throat. “We'll be there.” But she still didn't know how she'd tell the twins.