Changes (47 page)

She walked through Chinatown the next day, and then drove to Golden Gate Park, and wandered through the flowers. It was almost May … May … she had met Peter almost a year before, and now here she was, and when she got back to the hotel, she took her little phone book out of her bag, dialed 8 for long distance, and called Raquel. It was eight o'clock in New York and they hadn't heard from her in months, Mel didn't even know if she had a job. Or she could have been out, but she picked the phone up on the first ring.

“Hello?” She sounded as suspicious as she always did and on her end Mel grinned.

“Hi, Raquel, it's me.” It was like calling home from far away in the old days, and she had to remind herself not to ask how the twins were. “How are you?”

“Mrs. Mel?”

“Of course.”

“Is something wrong?”

“No, I just thought I'd call and see how you were.”

“I'm fine.” She sounded pleased. “How are the girls?”

“They're wonderful.” She wouldn't tell her about Val. She was all right now. “They like their school, everything seems to be working out.” But as she said it, her voice trembled and tears filled her eyes.

“Something's wrong!” It was an accusation this time, and Mel felt tears rise in her throat.

“Absolutely not. I was in San Francisco for a few days and I got lonely for you.”

“What are you doing there? You still working too hard?”

“No, it's not as bad. I only have to do the six o'clock.” She didn't tell her what an agony the job had been. “And I'm just here to take it easy for a few days.”

“Why? You sick?” She had always been to the point and Mel smiled. What was the point of fooling her?

“To tell you the truth, you old witch, I ran away.”

“From who?” She sounded shocked.

“Everyone. Peter, the kids, my job, myself.”

“What's happening to you?” It was obvious that she disapproved.

“I don't know. I guess I just needed some time to think.”

“About what?” She sounded angry at Mel now. “You always think too much. You don't need to think.” And then, “Is your husband there?”

“No, I'm here alone.” She could just see Raquel's face, and she wondered why she had called, but she had wanted to hear a familiar voice and she didn't want to call home.

“You go home right now!”

“I will in a few days.”

“I mean now. What's wrong with you? You going crazy out there?”

“A little bit.” She didn't want to tell her about the baby yet. She still needed time to make a decision about that. And there was no point telling anyone if she was going to get rid of it. In L.A., she could always say that she lost it because she worked too hard, and no one knew at work yet.” I just wanted to know if you were all right.”

“I'm fine. Now you go home.”

“I will. Don't worry about me, Raquel. I send you a big kiss.”

“Don't kiss me, go home and kiss him. Tell him you're sorry you ran away.”

“I will. And write to me sometime.”

“Okay, okay. And give my love to the twins.”

“I will.” They hung up then and Mel lay on the bed for a long time. Raquel didn't understand any better than they did. In her mind, Mel belonged at home, no matter what they said or did. It was her place. And the truth was that she thought so too.

She ordered room service that night, had a hot bath, and watched a couple of hours of TV. She didn't feel like going out. There was nowhere she wanted to go, and at eleven o'clock, before the news came on, she dialed, got a long-distance line, and held the phone in her hand for a long time. Maybe Raquel was right … but she didn't want to call unless she wanted to … She dialed the number, not sure yet if she'd hang up or speak to him, but when she heard his voice, her heart leapt as it had almost a year before.

“Hello?” She could tell that he hadn't been asleep yet. And she hesitated for one beat.

“Hi.” It was a cautious sound.

“Mel?”

“No. Chicken Delight. Yeah, it's me.”

“For God's sake, are you all right? I've been worried sick.”

“I'm okay.”

He didn't dare to ask, but he had to now. “The baby? Did you … did you get rid of it?”

She sounded hurt.” I told you I wouldn't do that until I told you what I'd decided to do.”

“And did you decide?”

“Not yet. I haven't really given it a lot of thought.”

“Then what the hell have been you thinking about?”

“Us.”

There was a long pause. “Oh.” And then, “S o have I. I've been a real sonofabitch, Mel. The kids think so too.”

“No, they don't.” She smiled. He had been breast-beating while she was gone, and that really wasn't the point. “That's silly, Peter. We both had a lot of adjustments to make.”

“Yeah, and I let you make them all.”

“That's not entirely true.” But it was in part, and he knew it now. She didn't totally want to take the truth from him. “One of us had to move, ourselves, our kids, had to give up our old lives. And it was impossible for you. It was my choice.”

“And I let it go at that. I let everything fall on you. I even expected you to step into Anne's shoes. It makes me sick when I think about it now.”

She sighed. He wasn't entirely wrong, but there was more to it than that, and she knew that now. “And in a way, I think I expected to continue my old independent life, to make all my decisions for myself without consulting you, bring up my kids the way I want, and coincidentally yours too. I expected you and your children to throw out all your old ways at once because I told you to. And that wasn't right.”

“It wasn't wrong.” He sounded desperately contrite and she was touched.

“Maybe we were both half right and half wrong.” She smiled.

He wasn't smiling yet. She wasn't home. And he still didn't know where she was. “Where does that leave us now?”

“A little wiser than we were.”

He wasn't sure what she meant. “And you, Mel? Are you going back to New York?” He heard her gasp.

“Are you crazy?” And then, “Are you throwing me out?”

This time he laughed. “I don't know if you remember this, but last time I looked you ran away. In fact, I don't even know where you are.”

She smiled at that. She had forgotten to tell him when she first called. “I'm in San Francisco.”

“How did you get there?” He seemed surprised.

“
I
drove.”

“That's too far, Mel.” He was thinking of the pregnancy, but he didn't want to tell her that.

“I stopped in Santa Barbara and Carmel on the way up.”

“Do you feel all right?”

“I'm fine.” And then she smiled as she lay on her bed at the Stanford Court. “I miss you a lot.”

“Well, that's nice to hear.” And then he finally dared to ask. “When are you coming home?”

“Why?” She sounded suspicious again and he groaned.

“Because I want you to clean the place and mow the lawn, you horse's ass. Why do you think? Because I miss you too.” And then he had an idea. “Why don't you stay there for a few more days, and I'll meet you there.”

Melanie's face suddenly burst into a smile. “That's a nice idea, love.” It was the first time she had called him that in a long while and he beamed.

“I love you so much, Mel. And I've been such a fucking ass.”

“No, you haven't. We've both been. So much happened in so little time. And our work puts so much pressure on us both.” He couldn't disagree with that.

“What do you want to do about the house? Do you still want to move? I will if you want us to.” He had thought about it a lot in the past few days, and he didn't want to give up the house he loved, but if it meant that much to her, and there really wasn't enough room for the twins, unless maybe they exchanged rooms with Pam, and he knew she'd have a fit. “What do you think?”

“I think we should stay where we are for a while, and let everyone settle down before we make any more changes at all, and that goes for Mrs. Hahn too.” He was relieved at what she said and he thought she was right. They all needed time to settle down now. So everything was resolved, except her miseries at her job, and what to do about their unborn child. “Do you really want to come up here?”

“Yes, I do. I feel like we haven't been alone for years. We even took the kids to Mexico on our honeymoon.”

She laughed at that. “Whose idea was that?”

“All right … mea culpa … but anyway, a romantic weekend sounds fabulous to me right now.”

“I'll do my best. Keep your fingers crossed.”

She did and he called her back the next day. He had gotten two surgeons on the team to split the weekend and cover for him. It had taken a little negotiation, but he had been so intense about it that they had both agreed.

“I'll be there in two days,”

“Good.” And she needed that much time to herself to think about whether she wanted an abortion or not. She really wasn't sure. “How are the kids, by the way?”

“Fine. And really beginning to appreciate you.” And so was he. He could hardly wait to see her on Friday night. It was like the days when she was living in New York, only worse, because he knew what he was missing now. And he told her so. “I miss you too, Mel, more than you know.” It had been a ghastly week for him. And Iris Lee had died that day, but he had expected it, and he didn't tell Mel that. They had their own problems now, without adding another thing. He was more worried about her, than his patients now. “Are you feeling all right?”

“I'm fine.”

And he didn't ask her if she'd made up her mind yet. And the next day she took a long walk in Muir Woods, and tried to think about what she wanted to do. Again and again she came back to what she had told Val … “I don't know if I could have done what you did …"I t was not a condemnation, whatever Val might have thought at the time. There was something about aborting a child at her age, married to a man she loved, with plenty of money between them both. There was no reason for it, no way she could explain it to herself, and perhaps there would be no way she could live with it. “But do you want the child?” she asked herself, and that was where she got hung up. She wasn't sure. But what an ugly luxury to dispose of a life because she wasn't in the mood, it didn't fit in with her job, it annoyed her other kids … and there they were again … the all-powerful others in her life, husband, children … what she owed
them.
What did she owe
herself!
And suddenly she heard her own voice in the woods. “I want this child.” She was so startled that she looked around, as though to see who had spoken those words, but she knew she had. She felt a thousand-pound weight lift off her heart and she smiled. She looked at her watch. It was time for lunch. She had to take care of the baby if she were having it …
I want this child
… the words had been so strong and sure, and so was she as she made her way back to her car, walking through the woods.

CHAPTER 31

As she stood at the gate waiting for him, Mel felt the dampness in her palms, and the same nervousness she had felt a year before. It was like starting all over again, except that it would be better this time. He was the third one off the plane and she flew into his arms. It had been an endless week.

“Oh, Mel…” Tears filled his eyes and he was beyond words as he clung to her. He didn't even care what she did about the baby now. He wanted her and only her … and no more so than she wanted him.

“God, I missed you so much.” But as she pulled away from him, smiling and with tears in her eyes, he saw that she looked better than she had in months. She looked rested and relaxed and the frown between her brows was gone.

“You look wonderful, Mel.”

“So do you.” And then she looked down at the zipper in her slacks that had barely closed and was straining now. “I've gained a little weight here and there.” He wasn't sure what to say and she smiled at him. “I've decided that …” She felt strange saying the words. Who was she to decide about a life. It was what she had said to him a long time ago. God decided that, he didn't, and neither did she. “The baby's going to be fine.”

“It is?” He wanted to be sure he understood what she meant.

“Yes.” She beamed.

“Are you sure?”

“I'am.”

“For me?” He didn't want her to do that. She had to want it too, and it was a lot to ask, given the fact that they had five others at home, and the ultra-demanding job she had.

“For myself, for you, for us … for all of us …” She blushed and he took her hand. “But mostly for me.” She told him what had happened when she was walking in the woods and tears filled his eyes as he pulled her close to him again.

“Oh, Mel.”

“I love you.” It was all she could say, and arm in arm they walked outside, and shared a weekend like no other they had ever shared.

They started the drive home slowly Sunday afternoon, and took Route 5 so it wouldn't be quite as long, and by ten o'clock they were home, and as she looked at the house, Mel felt as though she had been gone for years. She stood outside for a moment or two and just smiled, but Peter took her hand and walked her inside. “Come on, kiddo, let's get you to bed. That's a long drive for you.” He was treating her like Venetian glass and she smiled at him.