Changing Tunes (22 page)

It’s Thursday night, and Zeke, Nick, Ian, and Austin are all coming over to hang out and have dinner with us. It is the first time we’ll all be together. I’m nervous because I want my friends to like him as much as I do. I know it sounds silly, but I’ve always wanted to have a place where I belonged. A large group of friends where we could all hang out and have fun; like a family, albeit a different form of one.

Mac plops down on the couch next me. “Penny for your thoughts. You’ve been quiet this afternoon, what’s up.”

I glance down, fidgeting, because that’s what I do when I discuss topics that make me uncomfortable.

“Is it your dad?”

I shake my head no. “I haven’t heard from him, yet, which is surprising, but no, not this time.”

I lean my head against the couch. “Truth is, I’ve been thinking about my mom a lot lately. I’ve always missed her, but I’ve been missing her more and more. I think… I think since I met Zeke, who I care so much about, and not having my mom to talk to about him is bothering me. I want so badly to have what others have.”

My lips begin to tremble and can’t stop the tear from falling. “I just miss her, you know? Why did she leave me? Why wasn’t I good enough to stick around?” A couple more tears trickle down and I see Mac take a swipe at her eyes. “I just want to talk to my mom about everything that’s happened to me and everything that is happening. I just want her to wrap her arms around me and tell me that it’s all going to be fine. More than anything, I want to be told I’m good enough and I’ve always been good enough.”

There, I’ve said it. I’ve said out loud what I’ve always thought.

Mac reaches her hand over and squeezes my arm, offering me a bit of comfort.

“I’ve gone so long on my own, not being able to confide in anyone. I’ve kept it all in here.” I fist my hand and hit my chest near my heart. “I’ve hurt here for so long.”

“I know I’m not your mom, but I am your friend. Everything you have been through, good or bad has made you into who you are today. You’ve taken what you say wasn’t a good person and turned her into something extraordinary, and sometimes it takes horrible things to happen to us to teach us we need to change, to be better. I’m sorry you’ve been so alone, but you aren’t alone anymore, nor will you ever be.” Mac swipes her eyes again.

“I’m sorry I got so emotional on you. It’s just been weighing heavily on my mind lately. My father will never give Zeke the time of day; he’d snub him first. Knowing dear old dad, he’s got his idea of the perfect mate all picked out for me. Boy is he in for a rude awakening, huh?”

“First and foremost, Ash, you can always talk to me, about anything. Don’t apologize. Ever.”

I lean over, giving her a hug to show my gratitude, even though I’ve never been a hugger.

An hour later there’s a knock on the front door. I’m in my happy place now, and excited to be spending the evening with Zeke and my friends. I open the door and see Nick and Zeke together. I quirk my eyebrow up in surprise and glance from one to the other. Zeke only grins his half grin and says, “What? We’ve bonded over our hatred of Forrester.”

Well, that explains it.

I smile back, elated they’re chatting away like old friends, even if it’s only because of their mutual hatred for my professor.

Zeke sets the food on the table before grabbing me and pulling me to him. There’s another knock on the door, but I don’t acknowledge it. I’m too caught up in the set of dark chocolate-brown eyes that are so serious and staring intently at me.

“What?” I ask hoarsely.

Let’s face it, if there wasn’t anyone here, I’d be dragging his fine ass into my bedroom and doing a lot of naughty things to him, but I can’t. Mac and Nick and whoever knocked on the door are here as well.

“You’re just so damn beautiful.” He takes a deep breath before continuing, “I can’t believe you’re mine.”

The wave of emotions that pass through me is indescribable and I’m at a loss for words. In this moment there is no one in the room except him and me. A single tear tracks its way down my cheek without me knowing, and he swipes it away with his thumb. It’s almost symbolic to me; like this man before me is capable of wiping every bit of hurt away and making me feel whole again. 

His hand cups the side of my face as I lean into it, and reflexively, I rest my hand over his, holding it in place. He gently, but hungrily, swipes his lips across mine and I can’t help the moan that escapes. He leans back, with a promise in his eyes this will be continued later.

“Are you hungry?”

“Shit,” I breathe, coming back to reality and look around. I notice it’s just the two of us. “Where did everyone go?”

The front door suddenly swings open and Nick hollers, “I’m hungry. Are you two done making disgusting googly eyes at each other so we can eat?”

I throw my head back and laugh, embarrassed, but also touched my friends were kind enough to see a moment between us and respect it. It’s actually quite amazing, which is why I know it had to be Mac that dragged them out. I catch her eye and mouth a thank you.

She nods and smiles, doing a small curtsy, making me chuckle and shake my head.

I say my hello to the rest of the gang, and to Nick’s delight, we eat.

The rest of the evening is filled with laughter, and lots of it. I’ve never had such a fun night in all of my life. Zeke fits right in and it makes my heart soar. As I glance around, watching everyone, I realize I’m not alone. These people are my family. Surrounded by these people, I will never be alone again.

A month has gone by without incident, and oddly enough, no call from my father, either. Just several short texts, verifying I am, indeed, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, which I continuously roll my eyes about, are the extent of the contact from him. As if I wouldn’t go to class. Please. I may want full reign over my decision-making and life, but I’m not stupid enough to jeopardize my classes. I’ve met with the campus counselor and filled out every available grant and scholarship application form I could possibly find. Turns out, because of the Warden pushing me so hard academically I’m eligible for several. Paperwork has been filled out, and now I wait. I’ve been assured it won’t be a problem, and approval is really just a formality. Thankfully, I’ll be on track and on my own to decide my fate for sophomore year.

Classes have gone well, and for the most part Forrester has left me alone. I still get looks my way, and he’s certainly called on me in class enough times. I see the intent on his face. What he sees is a tall blonde who couldn’t possibly know the answers, typical stereotype. I’m not to be underestimated, and I’m always paying attention. The look on his face when I’ve answered a question he thought for sure would trip me up is priceless. What he doesn’t realize is this class comes easy to me. Now chemistry, that’s a whole other enchilada.

Thankfully, I’m able to spend a lot of time studying with Zeke. Yes, we study. There’s a lot less fooling around and loads more studying. He’s serious when it comes to helping me. Again, my GPA is my ticket to freedom, and we both take it seriously, knowing I’m done with this class after this semester. That makes me sad, but excited. I will definitely miss having class with Zeke, but chemistry can suck it. Fortunately, my other three classes come a hell of a lot easier and don’t pose a problem. I just have to finish this year.

Even with all the studying, I still have time for my friends. God, the word,
friends,
has such a nice ring to it. We’ve implemented Taco Tuesday and everyone comes over and hangs out. It’s usually me and Mac, or me and Zeke in the kitchen preparing the tacos, with Nick being a dweeb and snatching up the grub before it’s ready. I’m still curious why Mac hasn’t given in to Nick, but I respect her wishes. If she’s not ready, then she’s not ready. If anyone knows that, I sure do. You can’t push anyone to do something they aren’t ready to do. I also can see how it could be detrimental to their friendship, and the hurt it could cause Nick. I know Mac certainly doesn’t want that. I just want to see her happy. It could blow up to a big huge clusterfuck and we’ve grown accustomed to our group of friends.

Ian has also told us, as of next year Ryann will be transferring here, which we’re all excited about. Mac and I are stoked; another woman to add to our group. We’ve spoken to her on the phone many times now, but she amazes me. She has so much trust in Ian; it bewilders me sometimes. She accepted us so easily, without meeting us in person, and never gives him issue with hanging out with us. It’s funny, but a year ago I wouldn’t have been excited about having another chick hang with us, or having any friends for that matter, but now it couldn’t be any more different.

Zeke has spent the last two weekends out of town with his family and it’s hard. I want so badly to spend it with him, but I understand his need to spend it with them. I just wish he would bring me along. I try to tamp the doubt that creeps into my head. Is he embarrassed of me? What is it? I’ve never been self-conscious before, but I’ve never felt the need to be either. I’ve never cared enough about a person to give two hoots about what they thought of me. Normally, the thought of meeting someone’s parents would terrify me, but it doesn’t; not his. He’s told me a lot about them and his eyes smile when he mentions his mom. I can tell Zeke comes from a good family. His parents run a farm a couple of hours away, not too far from a horse farm I’ve visited before. Small world, huh?

Self-doubt begins to rear its ugly head, and I find myself doubting his feelings for me. I don’t like this feeling at all. Mac sensed it and decided some retail therapy is in order, getting out and not being cooped up in the apartment. Sitting around too much only makes me miss him more. We spoke this morning, but it was short. A little while later I did receive a text message from him that got my blood pumping, especially down in the nether regions, but it’s still not the same. One day soon I hope he’ll invite me to go with him and meet his family. I heard a woman’s voice in the background holler out the name Lara.
I didn’t know he had a sister?
I put it in the memory bank to ask him about later.

Mac and I are headed to the mall on the outskirts of town, which I haven’t ventured to since arriving at college. I’ve decided to take advantage of the warden’s credit card before I’m cut off for good. A year ago, being cut off would have sent shivers down my spine and probably would have made me physically ill. I know, dramatic right? Now, not so much. In fact, it’s beginning to feel liberating, knowing it won’t be too much longer until I have complete control of my own life. For now, I figure Warden can contribute to some of my growing independence.  I want to re-do my bedroom in things I love that don’t remind me of my father’s house. This is a new me, and a fresh start.

I went into my room, sitting on the bed and began surveying my surroundings. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve loved sunflowers. They’ve always been my favorite flower; you might even call me a bit obsessed with them. They remind me of my mother. I remember my mom buying a bunch of sunflowers for the kitchen every week. It always made it so inviting and cheerful. I used to consider anything that reminded me of my mother a bad memory, but not anymore. I’ve decided to incorporate something from my past and mix it into my present, so I’m decorating in green and yellow, which reminds me of a sunflower and a bit of my mother. It’s bitter sweet. My personal change for the better has also meant I needed to come to grips with my mom leaving. Deep down, I know she loved me. I’d felt it in every smile, every book she read to me, and in every hug. Whatever the reason for her leaving me behind, I know she loved me then.