Choices (29 page)

“Your job? I thought your job w
as to make sure people behaved themselves?” She snuggled into his arms even tighter.

“That’s my job I get paid for but my job to see you smile, well, that job pays me mo
re than making sure people behave. It pays me in hugs and kisses from my best girl.” He winked at her and whispered conspiratorially as though I couldn’t hear them, “Shh…don’t tell Mommy that you’re my best girl, she’ll get upset.”

“Alright, Daddy, you’re secret’s safe with me. I won’t tell Mommy. I love you, Daddy, you’re the best.” She smiled and hugged him fiercely as fiercely as those skinny little arms could manage.

“I love you too Sugarplum, more than you’ll ever know.” He kissed her and returned the ferocious squeeze.

I blinked back my own tears
and swallowed the bittersweet lump of an innocent childhood too quickly passed as the memory surged through the recesses of my tucked away images.
God, where did the time go? Why couldn’t things stay the way they were? How do things get so fubarred?

We managed to obtain a small section of sidewalk on the Parkway right under the flag of Mexico. The situation was strained and Paul and I were uncomfortable at first, yet we managed to put our hesitancy aside and enjoy our outing for the children’s sake. I guess this was something I was going to need to get used to; Paul as well. We were still parents to three beautiful little people even if one would throw a dagger between my eyes if given the opportunity. Strangely enough we fell into our old comfortable routine as if nothing happened. We looked like a regular, loving family that was still expanding. It was unnerving and comforting all at the same time. Paul was being the Paul I fell in love with- charming, outgoing, lovable like a huge teddy bear, attentive and present.  Alarms were starting to ring and bells were whistling and warmth not attributed to the hot chocolate was starting to spread through my stomach but I chose to ignore the whirlwind of sensations and concentrate on the smiles that spread across my children’s faces.
What is he up to? And why now? He seems better, relaxed even, dare I say at peace.
It’s so confusing intensely loving and yearning for someone half my age that I can’t have and has obviously moved on with his life and feeling forever connected to a man that I once loved just as fiercely.
Will I always have feelings for Paul? Are they feelings I feel for him alone or are they feelings revolving around the love I have for our children and the life we once possessed or for the idea of the family I so craved and tried so passionately to carve out for myself, my husband and my kids? What happened? How did things end up the way they did? Stop, Laurel! You know why and his addiction is not your fault, yet…You’re just moping because your hormones are making you melancholy.
As if my ever expanding belly wasn’t reminder enough. Paul set up my beach chair for me and helped me into it.

“
Here sit down.”

“Thanks.” I said as I checked on the little people to see they were alright and observed the huge smiles that spread across their faces in anticipation of the start of the parade.

“You always did look fabulous when you were pregnant.” He whispered in my ear as I sat down.  My stomach lurched into my feet and my muscles turned to quicksilver. Everything went limp including my brain trying to figure out how to play this situation when really I just wanted the Big Bird float to mow me down and end my painful existence. No such luck. Hmm…deny, ignore, avoid or embrace. Since I didn’t have the energy to deny and ignoring was a very strong possibility giving the noisy situation and circumstances but really not my style at all, I opted for the truth.

“
I never could hide anything from you. It’s that obvious now, huh?” I smiled sheepishly and shrugged my shoulders when I was actually praying for the ground to swallow me wholly and completely.

“Laurel, you forget that I’ve been through three pregnancies with you. Call me what you want but I’m not an idiot and you always did look great carrying a baby.
I guess you lied because you didn’t want him to find out for whatever reason. Come to think of it, why didn’t you want him to find out? I can’t begin to imagine what was going through your mind that night!”
Well, hot damn, wasn’t that a switch! Since when was he ever concerned about my feelings!
He furrowed his brows together and gave me a quizzical look and then quickly turned the corners of his mouth up to smile warmly at me and my insides began to flip-flop. Damn him!

“Do the kids know?”

“Just Vanessa.”

“How’s she taking the news?”

“Oh my God, can’t you tell or did you think the grunts and daggers were just normal teenage angst?” I managed a weak smile and a snort.

“No, not really.  Vanessa wouldn’t behave like that without provocation. She’
s a pretty happy kid most of the time. What are you going to do?”

“What do you mean ‘what am I going to do’
- I’m doing it. I’m getting ready to have another baby.” I snapped testily, feeling ultra sensitive about Vanessa’s current state of mind.  Man that just sounded waaayy too weird to say that out loud to Paul. It gave me serious goose bumps.

“
Whoa, easy killer. I forgot about the mood swings. You were good at those too.”

“Yeah, well, thanks. Listen
, are you going to insult me or can we just enjoy the parade?” I shifted in my seat and scrubbed my hands over my face and looked up at him wearily.

“No, Laurel, I meant it as a joke. Don’t misconstrue anything by being overly sensitive. You always were like that.”

“Really Paul?  You really want to do this now?” I sighed exasperatedly and raised my eyebrows.

“No, Laurel, I don’t want to do anything but tell you I’m here if you need me for anything, anything at all.” He laid a gentle hand on my shoulder and went to stand with the children. Well, that promptly shut me up. Paul was always the gentleman even wh
en it hurt, always willing to help because it was the right thing to do regardless of one’s inner turmoil and their personal feelings. How could someone so innately good to other people be so awful to himself. I’ve yet to figure that one out and don’t know if I ever will. God, it made me want to scratch his eyes out and then wrap my arms around him and curl up in his lap like a tiny kitten. I hated when he evoked such intense feelings from both ends of the spectrum. It was confusing, frustrating, comforting and completely Paul.

We returned home from the parade with the girls singing Christmas songs and Jake crying because he forgot to add the Beyblade stadium challenge rink to his list and swearing that Santa won’t leave it under the tree.

“What’s all the fuss about?” My mom emerged from the kitchen with her hands engulphed in a
huge mopin.

“Mom-Mom, Santa isn’t going to leave me my Beyblade stadium because I forgot to put it in my letter to him. He cried and huffed some more.

“Jesus, Jacob, stop being such a goddamn baby! You’re such a pain in the ass. You know there are more important things to cry about, you idiot.” Vanessa slammed passed him out of the foyer and into the kitchen.

“Okay, Vanessa, I think that’s enough out of you. Upstairs you go, my dear.” I reached to place my hands on her shoulders and steer her up the stairs but she shrugged me off and went to stand beside Paul. Okay, so this is how it’s going to be. She’s going to try and play one against the other. Well, if that’s the case, he can just go home if he didn’t support me on this one. I met Paul’s eyes and gave him a
practiced wife look that said if you go against me on this one you can leave right now. I’ve produced it for years to no avail but for once, he got it.

“Vanessa, what are you doing?” My mother asked her. “Where is all this anger coming from?” She tried to wrap her in her arms but Vanessa wasn’t having any of it! She rolled her eyes at her, “Isn’t it obvious, he’s a pain in the ass!” Helen sucked
in her breath, “Vanessa, your mouth should be washed out with soap!”

“Alright, Vanessa, I think you made your point. Go on up to
your room for a bit and we’ll call you down shortly.” She looked up at Paul with these huge doe eyes and shrugged, “Okay, Daddy, I’m going.” I was fuming, ‘okay, Daddy, I’m going’ oh, please she’s trying to play me like a violin.

“While you’re up there Vanessa
, write an apology note to your brother and be sure to tell him you love him.” I managed to croak out between clenched teeth. She stopped on the stairs and cast a quick look to Paul, who nodded yes and she replied with a grudgingly ‘alright’.

“Why, thank you angel of mine.” She stomped the rest of the way up the stairs and slammed the door.

“Does she always have to do that?” Brielle asked while she shook her head and went straight for the hug from Mom-Mom that was meant for Vanessa.

“These days, I’m afraid so, pumpkin.” Helen patted her head and smiled at her.

Dinner started out uneventful until the sisters arrived.
I was sort of dreading this moment because I really didn’t think it was going to be pretty. My sisters, well, let’s just say that my sisters aren’t ones to hold their tongues, never were, never would be and I was the baby sister so you know I never really had much say in the matter. I just did what I was told when fire and water was in the room together. Liz was like water - ever changing, volatile and unpredictable. Lisa was like fire - quick, fast and furious and Helen, well, was Mother Earth - ready and willing to love us all regardless of our genetic hardwiring.

“Paul,
it’s always a pleasure to see you. I’m actually disappointed to not see you swaying!” Liz came to him and enveloped him in a hug that surprised Paul.

“Oh, Paul are you actually staying and engaging in conversation with us this evening?
Will you be able to do that sloshed or sober? Hmmm…my guess, just by looking at you, would be sloshed!” Lisa smirked as she bypassed Paul and gave our mother Helen a hug and a kiss.

“Oh, l
adies, it’s always wonderful to see the two of you and feel the love that radiates from the bottom of your black hearts.” He stood his ground. I rushed over to Liz, whispered in her ear to behave herself because I hadn’t mentioned to the younger children the reasons for the divorce.

Jake jumped up to give his aunts a hug and sensing the tension in the room managed to ask quite sweetly as only a little boy could, “Can we have fun tonight? It’s been a long time since everybody sat in the dining room
and had a big family fun night.” He smiled his best wiggly tooth smile and helped us all ease into the evening from hell!

We managed to get as far as saying grace
before all hell broke loose when my oldest sister, Lisa asked a simple question to Brielle about the parade.

“Well, Brielle, what was your favorite part of the parade? I know you love the marching bands.” She smiled sweetly at Brielle. Brielle was just about to answer when my oldest piped up with her response to a question that wasn’t even directed toward her.

“You know Aunt Lisa; it would have been so much more enjoyable if my parents didn’t argue the entire time.” She pushed her chair back and slung her arms across her chest.

“Really?
Well, unfortunately, sweetheart that’s not surprising, considering your Dad’s…” Lisa raised a questioning eyebrow in Paul’s direction and I promptly kicked her in the shin.

“Ouch! I’m going to let that go because of your current condition.” She muttered quietly through clenched teeth.

“Now, why the hell are
you
looking at me like that? What did I do but take my family out to see the parade?”  He drew his eyebrows together in consternation and was turning a slow, molten dark pink around the edges of his jaw, while he directed his gaze toward Lisa.

“
We all know how interesting a day out with Paul can be…all stimulating conversation and emotional goodies not withstanding.” She shrugged her shoulders and Liz stifled a giggle. Helen shifted uncomfortably in her seat, laid a hand on Paul’s arm to quiet him and leveled a stare at her oldest daughter that only a mother could that communicated “that’s enough of that”  without uttering a word and said, “Why don’t we start out dinner this evening by telling everyone what we’re thankful for.”

“Oh, good Mom, good idea!” I muttered and then more loudly asked Brielle to start.

“No, I want to start!” shouted Jake.

“You always get to start! Just once can I be heard
first?” Brielle countered.

“Yes, Brielle, go ahead, and Jake zip it and lock it and…
” He actually cut me off by putting up his hand!

“Yeah, I know, I know, put it in my pocket!”
He sighed.

“Good! Now do it!”
I narrowed my mother eyes and meant business.

“Really, what I’m thankful for is that even though my parents aren’t together anymore we can still celebrate the holidays together.” She smiled sadly and shook her head. Well, if that didn’t put a knife in a mother’s heart I don’t know what would…little did I know!

“Yeah, I’m thankful that everybody loves everybody!” Jake spread his arms wide and then gave his Aunt Liz a hug.

“Oh, see this is going well.” Helen clapped her hands lightly and asked Liz to continue.