Choices (31 page)

“Paul, please, it’s time to leave. I want you to leave. Please, just go so it doesn’t get cruel, mean or nasty. We still have children to raise together and I’ll never take that away from you, never, but please Paul, I cannot and I will not entertain the idea of ever coming back to you. I’m so sorry.” I wiped away a tear that had escaped my eye and turned my back on him.

“BITCH!” He got up and slammed the bedroom door and stomped down the stairs and slammed the front door as well.

“What did you do now, Mom?”  I hitched in a breath and turned to see my oldest daughter, Vanessa, staring at me with eyes as dark as mine and
red hair just as wild, were filled with a hatred that made my blood run cold and, quite frankly, made the hairs on the back of my neck stand at attention. Above all else I was still her mother, whether she hated me or not.

“Go to bed Vanessa. NOW!” I glared at her and what passed between us in that moment really was the death of the mother child relationship. We would never be the same. In that single look I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to soothe her with a lollipop and eventually I prayed to myself that she would understand
.  Right now, though, that gleam of pure hatred in her eyes warned me to stay rooted where I was; no amount of tenderness was going to melt that stare of cold hard steel. I ached to hold her, whisper soothing words of encouragement but that stare; that stare, rushed all my feelings of guilt to the surface and reminded me that I was failing her yet I screamed to myself…
I AM STILL YOUR MOTHER!
I wasn’t backing down. She’s a child really without total and complete understanding of an adult relationship. Hell, I wasn’t sure if I even understood it all either but, in her eyes all she sees is her mother’s unfaithfulness and probably what she heard was her father’s begging of forgiveness that I refused. We stared each other down seeing who was going to win this power struggle. She smirked at me, raised her eyebrows and huffed while she turned to go back into her bedroom, not without slamming her door first; must run in the family. Round one went to me.

A few weeks after one of the least thankful days I’ve ever encountered, the girls and I decided to do a little Christmas shopping and then some lunch. Everyone was going to meet at my house. The kids were in school and I had off. I was putzing through the house, fiddling with decorations here and there, when Bonnie arrived. She looked fabulous as always, absolutely gorgeous with her super straight blonde hair and cornflower blue eyes. Her eyes were always so bright and cheery but today I noticed they seemed distracted and cloudy and she was jumpy. Bonnie, who was always cool and calm as a cucumber, was as jumpy as a Mexican jumping bean.  I waited until she made her way further into the kitchen to give her a hug. I was afraid she was going to jiggle something loose in both of us.

“Hi Bonnie, how are you sweetheart? You okay? You look a little tense. Can I get you a cup of herbal tea or something stronger? Are the boys alright? George?” I smiled and rubbed her arms. It was really getting cold outside. Everything about her was cold. She even smelled cold and that’s just not like Bonnie. She was projecting the exact opposite of everything she
normally was - cool, controlled and strong.

“Laurel, I…” She took a deep breath and then rushed the rest of her words so fast I could have sworn I didn’t hear her correctly. When I saw how upset and shaking she was, I realized I did hear her correctly. I was just trying to figure out a way to scrub what she said out of my ears.

“I had an abortion at twenty weeks when I was a teenager. I was young and stupid and it was the most horrendous thing I’ve ever done in my life. George has no idea. My parents don’t have any idea either. Now, you’re probably wondering why I’m sharing this information with you.” All I could do was shake my head. “I’m telling you Laurel because I want to help you.” Again, I could only nod my head.

Did I hear her correctly? Did she say what I think she just said? God, how awful. I can’t imagine having the courage to go through with that.
She was still speaking.

“I met him before George. We were really young. I was only sixteen, he was seventeen and my parents, well, I could never have told my parents, and so I had to take care of it myself. We were both so young. We both had our whole lives ahead of us. I should have taken care of it
sooner. I know. I just couldn’t do it.” She ran a hand through those glorious long blond locks of hers and paced around the kitchen. It was so painful to watch her. She was just so beautiful and anything that beautiful just shouldn’t be in so much pain. It was an act against nature.

“I was still caught up in this fairly tale notion that everything would be alright and that we both loved each other. We didn’t love each other! He didn’t love me anymore than I did him. We had feelings for each other, sure.” She stopped pacing and looked me dead in the eye.

“I’m not a slut. I wasn’t sleeping around. Ryan was my first but, we knew nothing about love and commitment and responsibility. It was the first time for both of us. The first time! Can you imagine? Only my stupid luck! Yeah, on the outside everything about my life appeared perfect, wealthy parents, good looking family, great home and education, the world was my oyster and bam! The first time I have sex, I get knocked up!” She giggled slightly hysterically and sighed and ran a hand through her hair again.

“Perfect, huh? We were just so young and playing an adult game. I found out the hard way the consequences for playing a game you’re not ready to play. I dragged my feet and for that I still wake up with nightmares and regret
, but it was the best decision I made. I wouldn’t have George or the life I have now. Yes, I waited too long and that was a big mistake. If I could do it over again I would have taken care of it immediately. I wanted to believe in the fairy tale. But, I’m too practical, too realistic, resourceful and resilient Laurel; just like you are. You’ll survive this. Stop wasting time thinking and hoping Brandon will come back. Take care of it now. The worst part of it is waiting too long. Don’t wait any longer, Laurel; let’s take care of it now. I want to help you since no one was there to help me.” The tears were running down her face now, smearing that beautiful makeup and staining that Dresden-doll skin of hers.

“Don’t let it ruin your life or that of your children’s. We can tell people you had a miscarriage. We can tell Joni and Kristy that too, if you want. We don’t need to tell them the truth. Only you and I will know; if that’s what you want. However, you want to do this, Laurel, I’ll help you. I’ll help you. Just don’t make the wrong choice. I can find a doctor for you who will perform a late term abortion. I already have. Here take his card.” She handed me the card with a shaking hand.

Late term abortions? Wait, does she think that’s what I should do?

“I’m so sorry, Bonnie. I never knew. Does anyone else know?” I sighed and looked at her with tears in my eyes. I reached out to hug her but she stepped away.
              “No, no one else knows, except Ryan and now you.”

I took a deep, long, breath. “Listen, Bonnie, thank you for sharing that painful part of your life with me. I appreciate it and I know you’re a very private person so I know this wasn’t easy for you
. Your friendship right now is so important to me but I can’t do that. Maybe I am being ridiculous, maybe I am wishing and hoping for the impossible with Brandon, but I can’t do it. I just can’t.” She was shaking her head, no, as if I was making a mistake.

“I can see you don’t agree with me. I get that but, honey, listen, I’m not sixteen. I have a good job and my kids will be fine and I really don’t give a good goddamn what people think. Hell, most of them probably think its Paul’s anyway and then we decided to split up. I don’t know whatever they think I can’t control that. The only thought patterns and emotions I can control are my responses to events that happen to me. I can’t worry about what other people think and try to change the world. The only world that I’m focused on is mine. The only things I can control are the choices I make.” I was breathing heavy now and my hands were shaking.

“I know Laurel, you’re so much stronger than me.” She looked down at her feet and then glanced up at me again.

“Hey, wait a minute, don’t you say anything ridiculous like that to me ever again. Jesus, Bonnie, you were sixteen and alone and took care of that whole situation yourself. I’m only able to do it now because I’m older, if I was sixteen I probably would have ruined my life. I probably would have had the baby and forced Ryan into marrying me. Holy cow, kiddo, you’re the strong one in this equation, not me!”

“Maybe. I didn’t feel very strong. I was scared to death.” She hugged herself.

“Well, shit, who wouldn’t be? The important thing is you found yourself in a horrible situation and being the steel magnolia that you are, took care of it
, and by yourself I might add. You’re the strongest, most beautiful person I’ve ever met Bonnie and I hope one day to have just an ounce of your strength.”

“You do Laurel, you do. And you are made of the same steel I am, maybe even stronger. You’re going to have four kids!” We laughed.

“I just wanted to offer help. The help and shoulder to lean on that I didn’t get.” She moved toward me and gently placed a tentative hand on my shoulder. I squeezed her hand and drew her into a huge hug. She bristled at first and then relaxed and accepted the hug.

“I know you only want to help and thank you. I am going to need your help. I’m having a baby and at the age of forty. Shit! I’m going to need all the help I can get!”  We giggled and cried and stayed in that embrace in my kitchen for what seemed like hours.

January 31
st
, New Year’s Eve, a time to reflect and a time to revitalize. I hate New Year’s Eve - so much pressure to make changes and stick to them. I always believed that if you wanted to make a change you didn’t need to wait until New Year’s Eve to do it, no time like the present, I always said.  I’ve been celebrating this holiday like all the others with Kristy and her family for the last two decades. This particular New Year’s Eve is a little different for me and I’m trying to wrap my brain around it and slug through my emotions. My kids aren’t with me and that’s incredibly difficult but knowing that Paul was going to be completely alone, I at least had Kristy, I suggested that the kids stay with Paul. He promised no drinking and after seeing him at Thanksgiving I trusted him to be on his best behavior and I let them go. For everything Paul put me through I knew he wouldn’t hurt the children and he was trying so hard to piece his life back together. I couldn’t be so cruel as to keep his children away from him. I knew I would be surrounded by my good friends and be in touch with my sisters, Paul would have been alone. I was afraid that with him being alone he would slip and spiral back down into his drinking again. I really am proud of him; I just don’t want to pretend I love him anymore. It makes me cringe and I feel guilty for not adhering to my marriage vows which I did take seriously but, there comes a time when you say enough is enough. I needed to tend to my own needs. That thought makes me chuckle too…my own needs…yeah look where that got me. Okay, deflect that…you’re going to be a mother again and at the age of forty and everyone is healthy, how wonderful is that. I’m constantly reminding myself that I’m a good person, my kids and the people who are important to me are healthy and I have friends and family that love me. The only enemy I have is myself.

We were enjoying a lovely evening of hearing the kids squealing in delight, chasing after one another and playing with all their
favorite presents from Christmas and still singing Christmas carols by the fire, when one of Kristy’s many announced that the snow had started falling.

We were all in the kitchen helping Kristy with the dishes. She was unloading the dishwasher and I was clearing off the counter with Joni and Bonnie when we heard the oddest noise. I turned to see what was going on with Kristy and just about slipped onto my backside.

“Is that what I think it is?” I heard Joni ask with a nonchalant calmness.

“YES. IT. IS. SHIT!” Kristy bit out with an angry staccato rhythm.

“Wait a minute, you’re early. Kristy you never go early and never on your own.” I called for Mitch who was supervising bed time with George and Marc.

“I know. Damnit! I have nothing together; the crib isn’t fixed, the sheets aren’t washed, I don’t have any of the baby clothes together. I still had two weeks. Two weeks! You know how much I can get done in two weeks! I can get a lot done in two weeks!” She was starting to panic and she started waving her hands around frantically. I was afraid she was going to slip and fall.

“Whoa, hold on there. Let’s just all take a deep breath and call an ambulance and we’ll figure out everything else later. First things, first! Laurel, call the boys back in here. Obviously they didn’t hear you or their selective listening ears weren’t turned on.” Thank God for Bonnie and her ability to take charge. “Kristy sit down and breathe, Joni call 911. Kristy don’t worry about all that other nonsense, we’ll help you. The girls and I can have it all done by the time you come home with the new baby. Promise.” Bonnie rubbed Kristy’s arms to get her to calm down.

“Thank you, Bonnie. I have the best friends. I’m scared, Bonnie. It’s early. I want to scream for Mitch but I don’t want to scare the children.” Kristy breathed through a contraction.