Choking Game (2 page)

TWO

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
I'll make sure I choose the right family next time I'm born

~Next time you're born? Is that what you think? That there'll be a next time? That you'll be born again after you die? Are you nuts? Is this the reason you think suicide is the answer? You don't like this life, so you'll sack it and wait for another one? I can't believe we're having this conversation!~

"We're not having a conversation, okay? You're the one doing all the talking! And I'm tired of listening to you!"

~You're tired! What do you think I am?! I'm pretty much sick of you! Let me tell you what will happen after you die. You'll be dead! That's what'll happen. There's no guarantee you'll ever come back as someone else. I wouldn't bet on it if I were you.

~Now let's see if I can add some catchy hashtags to this nonsense.~

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
I'll make sure I choose the right family next time I'm born #LifeAfterDeath #BornAgain #parents #family #heaven #hell

~That's better. Let's say you could choose your parents. What would they be like?~

"I don't know. Cool."

~What color is
cool?
~

"Blue. Light Blue. Light blue feels cool but not cold."

~What color is
cold?
~

"Silver. Metallic silver. Like ice. Don't you think?"

~Definitely. So your new parents would be cool but not cold. I wonder how they would look with light blue skin. Ha, ha...~

"You're an idiot. They don't need to look any different than Mom and Dad. They just need to be more like my friends, I guess."

~Your dad tried that. It didn't work out very well, don't you remember?~

"Well, maybe not friends, but at least they would understand me better."

~What's there to understand?~

"What do you mean? Everything!"

~Everything?~

"You know, like what I want to do, what makes me happy or sad."

~Now we're talking! So, basically, your folks are clueless about you. Is that why you're so mad at them? Do you think it's all their fault? Like you're not at all responsible they don't know anything about you?~

"Maybe."

~Maybe! C'mon! It's like pulling teeth! Even I don't know what's wrong with you, and I spend practically every minute right beside you! What happened? What is it that you're so mad about? Is it the last conversation you overheard? They used the
D
word. Is that what's upsetting you?~

"Not really."

~Not really? What color do you see when you imagine your parents'
divorce
?~

"Red, bright red. It's the color of anger at first, and then it bursts into black splatters. The splatters turn the color of dark crimson. They flow towards me, and I run away. They flow faster and all come together, and soon there's dark crimson liquid up to my ankles. I try to run faster, but the liquid gets too thick. It's up to my knees, and I can barely walk. I push forward, but the gush of crimson slams me in the back, and I fall face down. All I see is dark red; my bloody palms scraping the bottom just before I drown."

~Is that how you'd feel if your parents left each other?~

"I don't know. That's how I see it when I close my eyes. It sucks if you can't trust anyone anymore, not even your own parents."

~Wait a minute! This isn't about them, is it? This is about you! You think they somehow wronged you, don't you? The dark crimson color is not as much about a divorce as it is about broken trust. You're angry at your folks because you think you can't trust them. You selfish little you!~

"So what? What's so selfish about trusting your parents to be there for you, to support you? That's all I ever wanted! Haven't you noticed? My whole life, I've been waiting for them to come through, to see the real me! And what did they do instead?"

~What did they do? Tell me.~

"They didn't care."

~Is that it?~

"And they took away the only dream I ever had."

~You mean— Was it—~

"Yeah. My music. Playing my guitar and singing my own songs was like a whole new life to me. It was my own world where I could be free and happy. I had my life all planned. I was going to record my own music one day, and I worked like crazy to be really good at it. Dad would always brag to everyone how awesome my music was, how good I could play the guitar, and what a great voice I had. And then I saw that audition post for the national show."

~Oh, no! I forgot about that. How could I?~

"I didn't. I will never forget what he said when I asked him to take me to the audition.
Every teen who had ever watched the show will be there thinking they can sing or play an instrument even if they stink. I'm not going to stand all day in the line for you to audition just to get eliminated.
"

~Crap. I remember now. I must have blocked it, so I wouldn't.~

"I tried blocking it, but it didn't work. He didn't take me even when I promised to wait on my own and never ask for anything else. He was too damn lazy to give me just one day of his stupid, boring life. All of his
being proud of me and my music
was nothing but a big, fat lie."

~You're really mad, aren't you?~

"Wouldn't you be? It was my dream! He completely destroyed everything I lived for!"

~Did you tell him?~

"Of course not! I was mad as hell."

~So you gave up? Just like that? One missed audition?~

"No. I decided I'd practice even harder. I wanted to be so good no one would ever doubt me again. I'd practice every day after school, but by the time I got home, it was close to five and I had to do homework first. I only had like an hour left to practice and write songs. I knew I needed more time. I asked my mom if I could be home schooled instead."

~I remember! You had it all planned again! You're really into planning everything.~

"Yeah. I asked Mom and she said no. I asked again and again, and I kept asking every day for like a month. Her answer was always that they bought our house in our neighborhood so that I could go to the best public school in the county. It cost a lot of money, but they did it for me. She wasn't going to let me stay home instead of going to such a great school. Besides, she'd always said she didn't have time to teach me."

~Yeah.~

"That's a bunch of BS! She was home! She didn't work! She had all the time in the world!"

~You sure about that?~

"Who cares? It's too late now! I gave up playing. I never touched that guitar after that."

~You're right! You never did! How did I miss that?~

"Everyone did. Dad never asked me why I wasn't playing. He probably didn't even notice. Mom asked me a few times, but I said I wasn't into it anymore. She never put two and two together."

~Now I get it! When you said before that your parents did nothing, you really meant it, right?~

"Exactly. When I needed them most, they were too busy doing
nothing
for me."

~That's a shame. Your music was really good.~

"Didn't make much difference. First, I thought Dad just sucked at trying to be my friend, but he only did it because he wanted to be on my good side. In reality he was too lazy to give a damn about me. Mom didn't turn out to be any better."

~Why didn't you try harder? Why didn't you explain to them how much your music meant to you? Maybe they just didn't understand how serious you were.~

"It was useless. Mom got her job shortly afterwards. Maybe it wasn't so that she could buy me a new cell phone and a computer. Maybe she started working so that she wouldn't be home, and I couldn't ask her to home school me."

~You might be onto something. So, you never told anyone how much you cared about your music.~

"I did."

~Who?~

"Stanley."

~Oh, my gosh. I am so, so, sorry.~

THREE

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
today is exactly 13 months and 27 days since my best friend died

~Why aren't you asleep yet? Are you still crying?~

"Leave me alone."

~You're still crying for Stanley, aren't you? Here, let me help you.~

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
today is exactly 13 months and 27 days since my best friend died #friendship #death #TeenDeath #anger #grief #help

~You wanna talk about it?~

"Not really."

~It might help.~

"Help with what? I'm not changing my mind!"

~You don't have to. But why would you want to die if you haven't buried your best friend yet?~

"What? Buried my best friend? He's gone! We went to his funeral, remember? Last time I checked, people get buried right after their funeral."

~You know damn well that's not what I meant!~

"What did you mean then? Hmm? If you're so damn smart, tell me how I'm supposed to just forget about him!"

~You're not. You're not supposed to forget about him.~

"So what do you want me to do?"

~Let go. Let Stanley rest in peace, and let someone else fill his space. I'm tired of being the only one you're still talking to.~

"What's that supposed to mean?"

~Just look at yourself! Here, come here! Look at yourself in the mirror! See how pathetic you are? You're a loner! You barely talk to your folks. Granted, they're not model parents, but who is? Have you ever done the parenting thing? Maybe it's not the easiest job. You're not helping either. You get pissed and stop talking. Well, that's really helpful.~

"You're such a sarcastic jerk!"

~What do you want me to say? That I'm wrong? You know I'm not. But that's beside the point. I want you to tell me about Stanley.~

"You knew him."

~Not like you did.~

"What's the point?"

~I'd like to get to know him better.~

"It's too late now."

~I'd still like to get to see him through your eyes because if I do, maybe I'll understand you better. You do want me to make sure we don't miss any reason for you to stay, don't you?~

"Fair enough. Stanley was the greatest kid I've ever known. What else is there to say? I wouldn't even know where to begin."

~Okay. Was he cute? Smart? Was he good at sports? What kind of friend was he?~

"Girls were crazy about him. So, yeah, I guess he was cute. He was smart and an awesome tennis player. He had a lot of friends. Everyone liked him, and still he was nice."

~He was
nice
?~

"Yeah. I know it sounds cheesy, but he was
nice
. Stanley would never talk behind your back, and he'd never sneer or belittle you. It didn't matter if you were popular or no one knew who you were. Stanley would make you feel like he was on your side. He just didn't have a mean bone in his body."

~I see. He really was nice. What is the color of
nice?
Do you know?~

"Turquoise."

~Turquoise?~

"Isn't it a nice color? It's like a warm, wide open ocean. Have you ever met anyone who didn't think the color turquoise was nice?"

~I like it. I think it's nice. Did hanging out with Stanley feel like swimming in a warm, wide open ocean?~

"Kind of. You were free to be yourself with a lot of wiggle room. He kept the sharks at bay."

~Were there a lot of sharks?~

"There are sharks at every school. Middle or high school, it doesn't matter. Sharks are everywhere, and they'll eat you alive if you're not careful."

~Have you ever been bitten by a shark?~

"Yeah. I have a few battle scars, I suppose. Once I was running late from third period. I didn't have time to zip my backpack, and as I ran from one hallway to the next, my backpack slid from my shoulder, tilted, and my old cell phone went flying out. It slid across the entire atrium and right under Brenna Greer's foot."

~You mean the tall, totally popular Brenna Greer?~

"That one."

~What did she do?~

"You'd think someone that popular would have at least an ounce of
nice
in them. But no, not Brenna. She turned out to be the great white. She picked up my cell phone and called out,
OMG what is this? Is this some kind of an alien contact device? It can't be for human use, they stopped making phones that looked like Frisbees like a hundred years ago!
All I could see were her sharp shark teeth as she laughed while everyone around laughed with her. She didn't bite off my arm, but I was hurting like crazy anyway. My face was burning, and my heart was racing. I had no comeback line. My mind was totally blank. The pulse in my ears was so intense, I didn't even hear Stanley talking to Brenna. I finally noticed him after he pushed the cell phone into my hand."

~So you don't know what he said to her?~

"I think he thought I was all shook up because we walked together to the fourth period. I guess I never noticed it before, but we had fourth period together all along. I was still in a daze, but at least I could hear him speak to me.
Don't worry about her, everyone knows she's mean. People are afraid to stand up to her because they think she's popular. They'll laugh at every stupid thing she says.
I told him I was so upset, I didn't hear a thing he said to Brenna; but Stanley told me what he said to her.
You don't even recognize a European antique? I thought you knew what's trendy and what's not. I wanted to get one on our vacation, but these are ridiculously expensive. You better give it back because if you break it, you're gonna have to pay like eight or nine hundred bucks. I think that's what they go for these days.
We were both laughing like crazy, and I wondered if Brenna believed him. Stanley just waved his hand as he dismissed her.
She's so self-absorbed she didn't dare to argue with me. I mean, what if I was right and she didn't know the phone was some super expensive European gadget? That would ruin her reputation, and you know Brenna Greer! Her reputation is everything!
We both burst out laughing again. Stanley patted my back as we walked into the fourth period."

~You're right. Stanley was probably the nicest kid I'd ever known.~

"Not probably. He WAS the nicest kid we'd ever known."

~When did you two become such good friends?~

"Shortly after the cell phone incident. I don't know if I was his best friend, but he was mine. I went to his tennis matches, we hung out, and he helped me with math."

~What was the best thing about your friendship?~

"Being Stanley's friend meant no one would bother me at school. We sat together in the cafeteria; I would not have to worry about finding a study group; I could walk down the hallway without people looking at me funny. I lived under the radar. It was great. I could finally breathe freely without constantly looking over my shoulder."

~What is the color of
friendship?
~

"Blue. Baby blue."

~Why baby blue?~

"Stanley's friendship was like a security blanket over me. Safe and warm. I could relax, kind of like a baby."

~And it all started with your old cell phone. Wait a second! It really wasn't the computer you wanted. You snapped because you hated your phone, didn't you?~

"Every time I was with Stanley, I remembered the phone incident. I can't even tell you how many times I relived the embarrassment in my head. I hated the fact that I couldn't stand up to Brenna Greer. I hated myself. My old phone reminded me of how weak I was."

~You really thought that if you had a better phone people like Brenna wouldn't pick on you?~

"I wanted to believe it. It was the easiest thing to believe."

~That's why you snapped and blamed your mom.~

"She was partly to blame, wasn't she? I mean, she didn't need to be home anymore. She could have gone to work, and we all could've been better off. That's what happened anyway."

~I guess.~

"What do you mean you guess? That's what happened!"

~Let's say you were right. You had a crappy phone, and kids made fun of you. So you got a new, cool one. Did they stop picking on you?~

"Sure."

~No! Don't kid yourself! That's not what happened! They stopped picking on you because you were friends with Stanley! It had nothing to do with your phone, you liar!~

"Why are you calling me a liar?"

~Because you tell all these stories about this and that, and how everyone's to blame for your misery, and then you believe your own lies. Is that supposed to make you feel better?~

"What's gotten into you? Why are you so mean?"

~Why? I'll tell you why. I'm tired of listening to your whining. Seems like everything that happens to you is everyone else's fault but yours. Have you ever asked yourself why you're so miserable? I don't mean sad because your parents argue or because your best friend is dead. I mean, why is it that you don't want to connect with anyone anymore? Not even me!~

"Because it's not worth it."

~What's not worth it?~

"This whole thing—this life. When Stanley was around, I'd get up in the morning and see so many colors. It was as if I had my own flock of unicorns. I'd have to laugh because the intensity of colors was so great, it would tickle my eyes. And then Stanley was gone. And just like that, all the unicorns ran away, except one. It turned to look at me and, for a moment, I thought I saw Stanley's reflection in its eye. But it was just a tear—one huge, sparkling tear. The teardrop freed itself and slowly ran down the unicorn's cheek. It began to change color. The see-through, colorless teardrop darkened; and before it dropped to the floor, it was dark gray. It fell with a thud, and soon one teardrop turned into a million unicorn tears that flooded my room, my heart and my mind. I'd never been lonelier in my entire life. From then on, all I could see when I got up was gray. There was so much gray, I thought every day I'd rather stay in bed. I struggled to get up and pretend my life was normal as usual."