Choking Game (5 page)

SEVEN

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
there's so much I'd like to tell you but it's too late

~What do you have against hashtags? Look at all of your followers! You've got like four thousand already. I bet it's because of my hashtags.~

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
there's so much I'd like to tell you but it's too late #teens #SuffocationRoulette #TheChokingGame #TheFaintingGame #blackout #death

~That's how it's done. Teenagers are curious. You include interesting hashtags, they'll see them and they'll follow you. All kids want to connect, and I think it's a good thing. You guys connected when Stanley died, don't you remember?~

"That was one time I thought having Facebook was the best thing that could have happened to us."

~Is Stanley's page still up? Can we go back and see the posts?~

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea. Every time someone posted something new, I'd bawl my eyes out until I could no longer see the screen."

~I remember that. Yet, the days, weeks and even months that followed Stanley's death were incredible because you all came together.~

"Not all of us."

~Most of you. Sure, there were trolls on the page saying nasty stuff like they always do. Trolls are the necessary evil that comes with the good. But this time, you kids came together in such numbers and force, there weren't enough trolls in the whole world that could have stopped you from grieving, supporting each other, and saying good bye to someone who united you like nothing else, at least for a little while.~

"I was hooked on Stanley's page. I logged in the minute I would get home from school, and I checked it every few minutes for comments. I can't even count how many comments I posted myself. If I woke up in the middle of the night, I'd log back in and see the new comments people posted. I was an addict. I couldn't stay away. I read and re-read the most heartbreaking comments that hurt me like hell and made me feel so much pain, I'd shake, crouch and hold my stomach. I was sick—sick with the most excruciating, unbearable grief. Yet, I could not stay away from torturing myself by the thoughts of the most hollow emptiness, agonizing loneliness, and memories of a real friend that would never be with me again. Facebook was my only way to stay connected, in a way. It sounds crazy, but at that time, I believed that until the very last comment was posted, as long as the page had Stanley's name and pictures, as long as I could log in to it, Stanley was not quite gone."

~I saw what you were doing. I knew that's what Stanley's page meant to you. You were the last one to post a comment. That was exactly six months and two days ago until no one responded anymore. Most kids stopped commenting by the summer when everyone left school and the Facebook page. I'm glad you finally stopped posting. Stanley's gone. Facebook won't bring him back.~

"So why do you want me to log in now? I haven't used Facebook since."

~I don't think you've logged out properly.~

"What do mean?"

~You stopped posting because no one would post back. I want you to read some of the comments now and log out knowing your time on this page expired, once and for all.~

"Look, here's the page."

~No. I want you to read the comments out loud.~

"Where do you want me to start?"

~The beginning, start from the top.~

"NEVER FORGET STANLEY MANNICK PAGE ♥ Current location: heaven. R.I.P."

~Do you know who started this page?~

"No. We never asked. Everyone in our grade got an e-mail that the page was up within a few days of his passing. We logged in and never asked who did it. I still don't know. Why do you ask?"

~No particular reason, just wondering. Can you read it to me?~

"No. I can't."

~Okay, I'll read it for you.~

~ ~ ~

Hannah Bartel:
I can't believe he's dead.

Trevor Davies:
I barely knew him but I already miss him.

Susanne Kelly:
I'm going nuts. I still think he'll show up at school tomorrow.

Akisha Ray:
Is there anyone who didn't like Stanley?

Chris Oldham:
Seriously? That's impossible!

Nikki Cole:
Life will never be the same. I miss you so much Stanley!

Chloe Warren:
How are we supposed to pretend life is as usual?

Hannah Bartel:
It's not and never will be.

Chloe Warren:
Why? Why? Why?

Nikki Cole:
I'm going to bed and cry myself to sleep ♥ I want to wake up from this nightmare ♥

Sydney Crier:
He'll still be gone when you wake up.

Nikki Cole:
Shut up Sydney!

Sydney Crier:
Everyone go to sleep and get some rest. We need to fight this sadness together. Stanley would have wanted us to be happy for him. He's in a better place.

Cody Adams:
Yeah right. What better place could he be than here with us? We miss him soooo much! He was the best guy I'd ever known!

Chloe Warren:
We love you Stanley! We'll never stop loving you ♥♥♥

Jackson Flanders:
I know we all loved him because of all the tears we shed. We all hugged people we barely knew the day we learned this terrible news in the gym. That day will always be in our hearts. That day we were all the same, no groups, no favorites, we were all hurting like hell. We are still hurting like hell. Stanley changed us, let's not forget that!

Trevor Davies:
It's amazing how one person could bring us together like this. Maybe this is an opportunity to be more like him, a great, funny, awesome person.

Maddie Swanson:
I will always ♥ Stanley! R.I.P. :-(

Brenna Greer:
I don't know what to say. I'm too shocked, too sad, too mad... Nothing makes sense anymore!

Ryan Weston:
Let's make today Stanley Mannick's Day

Chloe Warren:
Stanley is a memory that can never be taken away. He may be gone but he is now immortal in our hearts.

Nikki Cole:
This hurts sooooo much!!! How can I stop it?

Jackson Flanders:
You can't. Maybe it's a good thing. The more it hurts the longer we'll remember how sad Stanley's death was. Seriously, let's never forget this!

Nikki Cole:
So we're supposed to hurt forever?

Akisha Ray:
In a way, I guess. I think it'll never be pain free when you think of him. But you can make peace with it, some day.

Ryan Greer:
That's heavy, Kish.

Akisha Ray:
What? It's true!

Chloe Warren:
Akisha's right. We'll find peace if we remember how great and funny and nice and cool and cute and......he was....

Nikki Cole:
I'd give anything to be able to say IS instead of WAS!

Trevor Davies:
We all would!

Maddie Swanson:
I had a dream Stanley was here but when I woke up he was still gone. I miss you so much Stanley! I'm bawling my eyes out as I type this ♥♥♥

Nikki Cole:
Everything happens for a reason. It was God's will to show us that we are only human and will not live forever. Stanley has taught us that we need to cherish our friends, family and special moments we have with each other. We ♥ u S.M.

~ ~ ~

"Stop! Stop it! I can't listen anymore. These posts bring so many memories back, I can't take it."

~Here, let me hold your heart again. It aches so much, it's shaking under my invisible touch.~

"Why did you make me listen to that?"

~So that you remember how intense, raw and painful his death was at that moment in time. All of you kids, even those who didn't know him, mourned his passing. For weeks, you were all alike—shocked, crushed, distraught, heartbroken. You came together supporting one another with your posts, glances in hallways, half-smiles full of sadness, looks that said it all without uttering a word. Your young lives were impacted so deeply, you thought you'd never recover. For once, your social media came to the rescue. Your chats were your outlets. You were free to express your sadness to each other. What color do you think
Stanley's page
was to you all?~

"Rainbow popping out of a rainy sky. That was the only colorful thing we had. Our comments were like a rainbow. When you read them, you'd feel sad, happy, alone, connected, everything at once like a rainbow. Outside the rainbow was nothing but dreary, gray, rainy sky."

~Stanley's page was a good thing on one hand, and a bad thing on the other.~

"Why would it be a bad thing?"

~After a few months the school year ended and the summer came. People dispersed, going places, doing things you cannot do while at school. You had other things to think of. The posts slowly stopped, and now, a year and a couple of months later, no one even thinks about posting a comment, not even reading an old one.~

"I never stopped thinking about Stanley, not even during the summer."

~I know that, but you never told your mom or dad how much it still hurts you. You poured your hearts out on the Internet, but you never told your parents. They were hurting, too. Maybe you all needed to talk.~

"Why didn't you read any of
my
comments on that page out loud?"

~They were too sad to read. Even I have my boundaries.~

"You still didn't explain why you wanted to log into Stanley's page."

~To show you how everything eventually fades away. Even the death of your best friend hurts less now that time has stepped in and brought new events and memories along. You can't stay in the past. It's gone, done. You can never bring it back, and you can never bring back Stanley. He is in a different place now, and you must let him go.~

"What if I don't want to?"

~You don't have a choice. Time is moving forward, and no one is yet able to reverse its flow. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing you've got is now. Stop brooding over what could have been because it did not happen. It's time to bury Stanley deep in the grave of your heart and say good bye. Kiss his memory and honor it not by following his senseless death but by living a life he never had.~

EIGHT

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
go insane, go insane, throw some glitter, make it rain

~What the—?~

"You don't like my tweet?"

~It's stupid.~

"You're stupid! Stop judging every freaking word I say!"

~I know what you're tweeting.~

"Tell me. I'm curious."

~It's all about you again. You're imagining when you die people will feel the same way they did with Stanley. The world becomes one rainy day, and you'll get your own page full of posts like a rainbow popping up every few minutes when people write what a great kid you were and how much they miss you.~

"You think you're some kind of a shrink? Then tell me why the
insane
part."

~Easy. First, you can't help yourself. The rhyme is too obvious. You write songs and lyrics, how can you not put
insane
in that obvious rhyme? Second, you know as well as I do what the posts might be like. Insane could become an over-used word. Admit it, you little freak, you'd get a kick out of it!~

"Do you wanna know what color
insane is
?"

~Sure.~

"Purple."

~Purple?~

"Yeah. It's the whole spectrum between red which reminds me of anger and blue which is more calm, soothing. Purple is all of that jumbled together. When you're insane you're never just angry or calm or crazy or smart or calm or oblivious. You're a human jumble of everything you can think of. You're purple."

~I must say, you'd look really interesting with a purple face.~

"You've never seen anyone so mad his face turned purple?"

~You're onto something. I guess I have. Let's see what hashtags I can come up with.~

Teenage Revenge
@TeenageRevenge
go insane, go insane, throw some glitter, make it rain #mental #asylum #rainbow #RainyDays #GoingCrazy #insanity #help #follow

"An asylum? Do you think I belong there?"

~Why not? Doesn't everyone planning their own death belong there?~

"Of course not!"

~Give me one good reason why not.~

"I already did. I'm tired—tired of hiding, of living alone. I'm tired of my own lonely existence. I'm tired of looking at my shit pile stacked up so high it's about to tip over. There's your reason!"

~Oh, so now we're angry again. You must be leaning more towards the red on your purple spectrum then. That's good.~

"I'm tired of you. Leave me alone. I can't listen to you anymore. We're done."

~No, we're not! I'm just getting warmed up! I've listened to your bullshit for months! Now it's time you listened to me! You want to hear the comments people will post on Twitter? Yes, Twitter, because you will not have your own Facebook page. It was just a fad. Nowadays it's all about 140 characters or less. You won't get rhymes or sob stories like Stanley did. No one has time for that anymore. People's attention has shrunk. It's no more than 140 characters, my friend. And this is what they'll tweet:

~ ~ ~

who was this kid
I don't know
Stanley's friend
you mean Stanley who died a year ago
more like a year and two months ago
who's counting
I am
anyone else
I'm counting too
how can we forget Stanley
we did! guys we haven't mentioned Stanley since this past summer
does he still have the Facebook page
I think he does
we should check it out
I just did I posted a comment
I did too
gosh I still miss Stanley so much
how could we have forgotten
we never did we just went on with our lives
hey guys let's make today Stanley's day
we already had Stanley's day
but we never observed it
I'm in
okay − today is Stanley's day~

~ ~ ~

"Shut up! Shut up!"

~What? What did you think people are going to post? How great you were? How much they miss you? Nobody knows anything about you! Kids hardly know your name! You're the one who made sure of that! What did you expect for crying out loud?!~

"Ahhh...."

~Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crying isn't gonna change a thing. Even if you die, kids will still think of you as nothing but Stanley's friend. Why? Because that was the only time you allowed them to see you. It's not their fault. You did it to yourself. You got what you wanted.~

"Fine. Then I might as well end this. You said so yourself—I don't mean a thing to anybody, so why bother sticking around?"

~Exactly! Go ahead! Where are your pills? Do you have enough?~

"Here!"

~What is this? Sleeping pills? Six? That's all you've got? That's not enough to kill yourself!~

"Mom didn't get a refill yet."

~You've been planning this for so long but you couldn't make sure you had enough pills before your mom gobbled them all?~

"I had to be careful not to make her suspicious. She'd figure something was going on."

~It doesn't matter now. When she finds you dead, she will figure out something went on all right. What difference does it make at this point? Go ahead, check her room. She must have some pills left.~

"Are you—"

~What are you waiting for, you chicken?~

"I'm not a chicken! Let's see what she's got."

~Nothing. You make me wanna puke. I know you waited until she ran out so you'd have an excuse to wait again.~

"I did not! Be quiet! Here, see this?! I'm taking them, one, two, three, four..."

~Hm, that'll do it. You'll sleep the whole night and day, nicely rested and dazed.~

"Stop mocking me! Just shut up and leave me alone!"

~I wish it was that easy.~

"All right. You want to see me do it? Do you?"

~Can you?~

"Here. Where is it? Here. Now we'll see who's the chicken here."

~What are you doing?!~

"What? You're scared or something? Well, I'm not. I got to hurry before I fall asleep. It'll be a perfect, long, very long sleep. It'll last forever!"

~Stop! Stop! Stop it, all right!~

"What? You pushed me, so what do you want now?!"

~I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't think you would...~

"Ugh, ugh..."

~Oh, my God! Stop it! Don't pull! Ease the rope! Ease the rope! Hear me?! Ease the rope you're falling! Oh, my God!~

"Uhh...."

~NOOOOOOO!~

"Uhh..."

~I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't think you'd do something like that. I'm so sorry.~

"Egh, egh..."

~Cough, cough some more. It'll help you breathe again.~

"My head's spinning."

~Can you throw up the pills?~

"I got to go to sleep."

~Throw them up! Please! Stick your damn finger in your mouth!~

"I got to go to sleep."

~Stick it in there! You need to puke! PLEASE!~

"Uh, uh, uh—"

~Good. I'm sorry. You did good. Have some water, you'll feel better.~

"I still need to go to sleep."

~I know you do. I'll watch over you if I can stay awake, which I don't think I—~

"Death is not final. I am the beginning of life. Life thereafter. Feel my hollow lips, I'll kiss you gently, pulling you in within my empty realm. I'll take your breath away, one shallow breath at a time. You breathe out, I'll inhale. You'll breathe in, I'll steal your air away. Until there's no more air inside of you. Your lungs are empty, lifting, collapsing back. Your beautiful mind is asleep. I am your sleep; I am your forgetting. I'm peaceful and kind. I'm silent and patient. You wander off and I'm holding you in my empty arms forever. I feel your heart weaken, skipping a beat, one at a time. Skip, skip, skip... I love this slow, uneven rhythm. I'll wait till it doesn't beat at all. I'll patiently wait until the magical silence enwraps you and me for eternity. I am not final. We will remain together in the time of thereafter."

~Wake up! Wake up! Hey! Wake UP!~

"Ugh—"

~What was that?~

"I had a wild dream."

~I did too! Except it was way too real!~

"What do you mean?"

~Gosh, that was creepy! I swear I was watching you. I…I wasn't in your head. I know this may sound crazy, but I swear I was hovering or something over you and watched you sleep. And yet, I was dreaming at the same time. I was dreaming about your death. It was so creepy.~

"I bet I had the same dream. I didn't really see it, but something was talking to me about death. It was almost exactly like I described it in my journal. I felt like this invisible thing was stealing my breath and slowing down my heart rate and taking me away and—"

~That was exactly when I suddenly was out and watching you passed out below me. You were close, my friend, awfully close.~

"Do you think those pills…I mean, I didn't puke them all out?"

~I think it was because you choked yourself senseless. That freaking choking game of yours is deadly, and you almost made it. If I weren't so scared and worried you'd do something stupid again, I'd scream at you every single profanity I could think of.~

"This may sound weird, but it wasn't all that bad."

~What do you mean it wasn't all that bad?~

"If that was really me dying, I didn't feel much. You know, like anxiety or pain or—"

~Shut your mouth! This is no joke. Granted, I went a little too far pushing you to take the pills. All I wanted was for you to show me whether or not you were serious enough. Evidently, you were. I had no idea you had a backup plan and the rope in your closet. You can't do this to me ever again, do you understand?~

"No, I don't. What did I do to you?"

~You surprised me. You hid the rope, and I never saw you do it. From now on, I want to know everything you do.~

"No, you don't."

~Oh, yes, I do. We're in it together. You may be the crazy ego that does the killing of your demons, but I am your heart and soul, and you'll kill me, too. I have the right to know when it's coming.~

"Why are you so scared of dying? Haven't you read somewhere that the soul is eternal? That the soul never dies? If that's the case, you have nothing to worry about."

~Yeah. I wish. The problem is the phrase
If that's the case
, which, of course, we don't know the answer to.~

"This is a stupid conversation."

~You know what else is stupid?~

"What?"

~The way you were going to do it in the end. Total copycat. You were about to choke yourself to death like Stanley did in the choking game. Can you imagine the tweets if you succeeded?

~ ~ ~

that crazy kid pulled a Stanley
couldn't even come up with something original
this choking game's getting old
only desperate kids do it now
do you think that kid was desperate
more like insane
or bizarre
I still miss Stanley
at least he didn't want to kill himself he just played
I know accidents happen
I wish it did not he'd still be here~

~ ~ ~

"That's enough!"

~I know, but do you see how wrong it'd be if you choked yourself? You want to make a statement not ridicule yourself. As far as I'm concerned, I won't encourage you again. I don't want to be the one responsible for your death. That's your choice. My job is to make sure you know what you're doing. So no more experimenting. We have not finished our discussion yet.~

"Do you like listening to yourself? It seems to me you do because I already told you several times, I'm tired of this discussion. What else is there to discuss?"

~The good pile.~

"The good pile? I didn't know there was one."

~Come here. Take a look in the mirror.~

"What for?"

~Just do it.~